This morning we all woke up on time and in good spirits, we got off to a good start for the first day of school.

As the kids entered the car my oldest son closed his door without looking back just as his little brother was boarding behind him.  Son #2's hand got trapped in the closed door.  I was overcome with terror as I saw the little one screaming with his hand trapped.  I imagine bones crushed and flesh ripped.  I yelled at my older son to open the door which he frantically tried.  When the boy was freed I checked him and didn't see any blood or dangling fingers.  Nevertheless I yelled angrily at the big brother and hit him on the chest.  My wife was hysterical at this point yelling at me that it wasn't his fault and to console him while she consoled the little one.  The big brother was sobbing with tears at this point.  I realized that he just had a careless moment that anyone could have.  I realized that I overreacted and needed to get control of my feelings.  Even though I felt bad for him, I had to let him go through his feelings for a moment.  Seeing that the little one miraculously did not seem injured I checked the door and found that the door is designed with a gap where it comes together with the body.  After things settled for a moment I pulled the older brother over and showed him the gap and assured him that little brother was not seriously hurt.  I apologized for losing my temper and tried to give him words of comfort and understanding.  I felt bad for both boys but they were both able to go on and have a great day.  I had to pray for forgiveness and self control.

I had an appointment to report in for work study at school.  As  I drove there, I began to rethink the whole proposition and concluded that it may be untenable and a poor choice.  I called my wife to discuss it with her.  She immediately launched into a tirade about being tired of working her ass off and she hung up on me.  She called me back and we were still not able to communicate civilly.  I did go in and sign up for an interview and Worked through my uncertainty.  I came away with a feeling of optimism and new ideas of how the experience will be of benefit despite the financial inefficiency.  By the end of the day my wife and I made nice with each other.

I was grateful that my kids had a great first day at school.
I am grateful for financial aide for my books.
I am grateful that my dad bought shoes for my kids.
I am grateful that I got to spend one on one time with my older son on an errand this evening.
I am grateful that my wife has a forgiving attitude to me.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I had to exert myself to stick to my prayers.  My mind wanted to bounce from thought to thought chaotically.  It seems that I have drifted into this pattern over the last few days.

I was disappointed that I didn't wake up on time and neither did the kids.  I had to catch myself and resist chastising them and take responsibility for it myself.  We weren't terribly late but if it had been a school day we would not have been on time.  I started out the morning with depressed feelings about lacking energy and initiative.  But I drew a sense  of encouragement from having completed my prayers with effective meditation on my virtue goals.  Then, after breakfast, the realization came that Wednesday was a physically and emotionally exhausting day, that's all.  I did not back slide, I just was having a little understandable fatigue.

After we got going, it turned out to be a productive day.  I was grateful to get the kids active outside in the morning and then get some school support service tasks in order.  I had a good talk with my daughter's pre-school director.  My wife took the older kids to their "meet the teacher" appointments.

All day I had to catch myself griping at the kids and work to handle things systematically.  There was a point where I was too harsh with my words to my oldest son when he was whining.  But he seemed to respond to it and later we made amends.

In the evening my parents took myself and my kids to buy shoes for school.  We had a nice dinner back home and watched the 2003 LLWS quarter final game.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This Thursday morning I had a hard time getting started.  I did get us going, we walked to the park. There was a moment when I was teaching my older daughter how to throw a disc properly and she was insisting on throwing it with her non-dominant arm.  She was very stubborn and threw a fit and cried that she did not throw it that way.   I found myself getting irritable and impatient.  I almost got very harsh with her but instead sent her for a cool down.  After a bit we tried again and she was able to get it.  But I realized that I had been throwing with her before and had not realized that she was throwing right handed.  I was able to be more sympathetic, patient and aware of the smaller increments of the process that I had to teach her.  I was able to do so and she responded.  Later this made me think more generally about how often I have seen this in my life in various settings where the necessary increments of training are neglected.

After the park trip and some yard work, I was never able to be very productive (aside from feeding the kids) the rest of the day.  My wife worked all day so I was home alone with the kids.  I had an aimless feeling at times but I was able to get things done.

We talked again about the loss of our dog and how much she meant to our family and how she is in doggy heaven which the kids now call "Rainbow Bridge."

Thanks be to God.

This morning we rose fairly early in keeping with my plans for this week.  The kids are home again for this last week of summer and I want to keep them active and on schedule for school next week.

Around noon I had to practice patience as my wife had friends visit.  My house was full of people when I didn't really want it to be.

I did some batting practice with my oldest son and I cleaned the area in the back corner of my yard behind the fence to park our boat.  I am journaling this because I felt aimless and unproductive later in the day but it was not true.  I also had to do a lot of cleaning and cooking as my wife didn't rise with us in the morning.

I did feel some fatigue and took a long nap in the afternoon.  I think I may have a bug as I have had some congestion the past two nights.  Again I log this so that I don't overdo the sense of not doing enough.

I had to watch for the arousal of resentment today when reviewing the deed restriction violation of having my boat parked in the yard on the side of the house which I received from our neighborhood management services.  I am grateful to have a house.  I think I need to sell the boat.

Over the past few days I thought some again about the problem of the will.  I've had some ideas about this that I believe to be at the core of the addiction problem.  I believe it to be the main reason why the 12 step program is so effective.  The right words finally came the other day.  But now I can't remember them.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This Tuesday morning I had a dream sometime.  In the dream I was living in my addiction.  I don't remember the details, I just remember chopping and lining out blow and chasing more and constantly slaving to keep it up.

This Thursday I got the kids up on time and we went to the park all morning again.   Then my sons played with their friends outside the rest of the morning.  I felt successful at keeping them active.  It even rubbed off on me as I was motivated to do extra yardwork all the way to lunchtime and never felt unproductive today.

In the afternoon after the kids settled in during the heat of the day, one of their friends came to the door on his bike.  After I informed him that the kids would be out again later, he rode his bike through my freshly watered yard creating a huge trough.  I ran back outside and griped at him to get out of the mud.  He then continued to ride through it.   Later, I looked out the window and he was doing it again for fun.  I had to practice patience and tolerance while assertively scolding him for it.

Every time I went outside and saw that my yard and driveway looked like a dirt bike track I had to resist my anger.  I caught myself calling him a little F@#%head in my head and I had to stop.  After several iterations of this, I had to imagine him as Jesus.

This Wednesday morning I had a dream that I was smoking pot.  I don't remember any details but it was worth noting that I had this dream. In thinking back to it, I believe that this may be evidence of the effect of long term behaviors to create psychodynamic forces.

This afternoon I had a thought about proof of the existence of God and supernatural power.  It was prompted by a story about a boy who came back to life after drowning and being dead for 15 minutes.  I recalled that I could not believe even when I wanted to, or at least knew that I needed to.  I see now that I could not believe because I demanded proof of miracles.  I needed incontrovertible proof of defiance of the physical laws of the universe.  But in my quest for faith I realized that the type of...(thought never completed.

This evening I went to a very interesting meeting.  It was a new 12 step meeting on Wednesday night, something I had been wishing for for a long time.  It was great to be there until I started to encounter the fellows who were getting it started and they gave their spiel as to the vision of the meeting.  In short they are trying to create a meeting in which people do it "right". They made a list of "suggestions" for their meeting.  These are guidelines and rules which seem to address the wrongs they see in some meetings and to cultivate a sort of 12 step utopia they have envisioned.  Some of this is well intentioned but they come across as rules.  It reminded me of all the times I have been involved in this sort of endeavor and how it is typically unnecessary and sometimes dysfunctional.  In the twelve step fellowships "we do not govern."