This Wednesday morning I started researching some information about the science of behavior. I found a great website that had an educational tutorial. I is really well done and informative. I was a very good review and I felt like I relearned some stuff that I already knew better. But, then it went south. I began to encounter what appears to be a political agenda and a bias. The main principle that I disagreed with was the idea that behavior does not originate in people. That behavior is initiated in the environment. That their is no point in trying to change a person's mind. That there is no "miracle mind" just a locus of variables, hereditary traits, history of conditioning, and current environment.

I felt that this view fails to consider the nature of memory. That the psyche is the history of conditioning, history of experiences, and a complex accumulation of logic.

It's been two full months since I last did a written evening review. I have not stopped taking my inventory. I just have not been able to write it. Fortunately I have not seen a drop in effectiveness.

Every night when I put my sons to bed, we pray and review our days. When I retire myself I think back a little more carefully. Sometimes I review in the morning just as with my writing.

It's not that I don't want to write my review anymore, it's just that I have to write so much for school and I am always behind so anytime I touch the keyboard during the semester, I have to be doing that. Thank God that the semester is over. Perhaps I can resume my practice.

I have also noted that personal examination comes a lot more natural now. I am not so sure that I must write to be thorough as I did in the first half dozen years of sobriety.

I am grateful that my mom offered financial help to get through this month.
I am grateful that I got to talk to a friend in sobriety today.
I am grateful that I got to get a lot of errands done and items posted for sale.
I am grateful a sponsee called me yesterday.

Thanks be to God.

Last night I had a very vivid using dream.  A doctor was giving a series of injections to a group of people I was with and he was allowing us to add cocaine to them. I recall much anticipation to get mine. I recall waking up and thinking about redoubling my efforts.

Today I worried about getting school work done.  My group therapy class drained me emotionally.

It was a beautiful afternoon that I got to spend with my children. My parents came for a surprise visit and brought us a special tamale dinner.

Thanks be to God.

Today was just golden.

I woke up still feeling woozy from being sick.  I caught myself spiraling into anxiety and worry. I made myself stop over valuing the things that I was afraid of not doing right. I turned to prayer and resolved to think of God with me at times throughout my day.

We had baseball games early.  I pitched for my middle son's team and he went 3-3.  My daughter had a tee ball game and got a compliment from her coach afterwards about her running.  She got to play pitcher and made an out. I got to watch her slide into home.  My oldest got invited to play as a substitute on another team and he made all 3 outs in the first inning.  He hit well in both his games including a towering fly to the outfield for a triple.  We all had fun outdoors together and by noon I felt completely healed from my illness.

My wife and I never lost our tempers with each other today. Even when we got sidetracked from and our middle son got separated from his equipment bag.  Even when I let my son and his cousin ride bikes to the school alone and the cousin barked his elbow.

One of the best things about faith is that there are moments all of your dreams come true.  One of the common problems I have is that these moments are so captivating that I forget to think about God while they are happening.  God, I am thinking about you now.  I love you and I thank you for all that you are.

Today I am grateful that I got to meet with the head of our dept in school and get appropriate guidance.  I feel secure in my educational path.

In my group therapy class i found a better outlook on our work.  For this am grateful.

I am grateful for insight into the recent moments of emotional disturbance.

I am grateful that I got to play ball with my kids and their friends in the neighborhood.

I am grateful that i got to help my mom move a tv.

I am grateful that I didn't get the stomach virus that my family has had.

I am grateful for 2 inches of rain.

I am grateful for a walk off grand slam by the Rangers that I got to share with my sons.

Thanks be to God.

This Sunday I flew solo with the kids to mass. Before mass, after breakfast, I thought about staying home when I saw that my wife would not make it.  But, I decided to take a moment and let my body rest and the spirit guide me before making a decision.  I was able to find the forte and willingness to make it. My wife and I made sure that we all looked decent and we made it their early. At mass I found myself stopping to correct the kids.  They didn't misbehave badly so I chose not to disengage my focus from the liturgyu too much.  I even let my youngest go to children's liturgy.  This is a bit worrisome to me as I risk not noticing if they do something egregious.  Our gospel reading was about the king who had a wedding and their attitude.  The priest related this to making it to mass on time, dressing appropriately, being on time and engaged, and staying til the end.

This morning my wife was still sick so she had to miss all the kids baseball games.  I felt bad for her but was grateful that she was getting better.  My parents were a big help managing the kids at the ball field. Before my #2 son's game I found myself questioning if I should be attempting to be the team pitcher given that my attendance is so uncertain. After the game I realized just how fortunate it is for him that I am given his motor-sensory delay. In fact I was grateful for the opportunity to be a needed asset to the team which may in turn increase my son's sense of contribution and esteem.

In the afternoon there was a moment as often happens lately, when I was just warming up to my wife when she observed something I did that caused her to unleash a tirade at me.  In this case it was that I ran some of her laundry through the drier mixed in with a load I found in the washer that she left there when she got sick. She catastrophized this as my having "ruined her entire wardrobe."  For a moment my heart sank and my anger raged. But I caught and resisted these feelings.  These are the things I have control over, not her behavior.  Now I just need to work on willingness to try not to mess with her laundry in the future.

I worried all day about the state of my school work and whether or not I missed any deadlines.

This evening I got to go to a meeting. We talked about "there is a solution."

Late at night I got to finish my school work.

Thanks be to God.