Sometimes I'm not sure if my connection to God is open and clear even though I think I am doing his will. Even though I am taking care of my wife and baby and young kids.

I feel isolated for long stretches and couldn't get to church today or to a meeting. I did get to talk to my friends Rick and Robert and I got to go visit my wife in the hospital with my mom's help. I got to see my Father-in-law and his wife and my Mom and Dad. I also got to speak to my brother.

I watched the mass today on TV to try and make sure that I was part of the universal communion. I tried to get my oldest son to watch but I could have done better.

Thanks be to God for another great day.

This is a review of yesterday Saturday, 09-29-2007. Baby Sophia Delores Sepulveda as born at 3:15 in the afternoon. God blessed us with a safe and healthy childbirth. Christie was very afraid of being induced and the doctor encouraged her to go forward with a "managed" labor since the baby was potentially so big. Our prayers were answered when everything went smoothly and Christie didn't have to endure too much pain.

The night before last I had a sex dream and a using dream. In the using dream I just remember going through the planning stages. That is I made up my mind to party because Christie was going to be away on some trip and I was lying and making phone calls to line things up. As the time neared I woke up in my dream. I realized what was happening and didn't want to go through with it but it was too late. I was powerless. Then I woke up.

In looking at what is going on with me I thought of the fact that I haven't been able to go to meetings and that my praying, meditation, and review have been interrupted and inconsistent lately due to Christie's pregnancy. I accepted that this is something I just have to work through and turn to God for help in. I spoke to my sponsor yesterday and he reminded me that I have years of using around times when I had opportunities like when the wife is away. That all of this is stored in the unconscious and is a far larger volume of the mind than the conscious. I realized that in my subconscious I knew the birth was coming up and there must have been some lurking "notion" of the opportunity to party while Christie was away.

Anyway, last night I had to come straight home since my mom was here with the kids and I didn't get to go to the meeting. I feel a renewed enthusiasm for meetings and te spiritual life.

Tomorrow Christie is being induced. Baby sophia will be coming into the world, God willing. I pray that all goes well and that baby and mother come home safe.

Tonight I had a moment of resentment. - selfish

Today I got frustrated when Christie asked for my help in deciding whether to be induced. But I did my best to be supportive.

I felt a little resentful tonight that I couldn't go to the meeting.

I am grateful that we have a new member of the family coming and that I will be able to get back to my meetings soon.

So be it.

Tonight I had a hard time getting to this review. Christie was at her meeting and I had to get the kids to bed.

Bobby came to after I put them to sleep and told me he was very afraid. He said he was afraid of going away from God in the future when he got older and started doing what he wants to do. He said he was afraid that he would go to the Devil. I was very proud of him when he prayed on his own for God to help him not be afraid. I told him about when I was a kid and I had night terrors and nobody believed me. Eventually I was able to send him to bed with a cross to hold if he was afraid.

I was resentful as I started to do this review and Christie was trying to talk to me. I realize that I have an excessive fear of not getting enough sleep. Not that that is not a valid fear, I think it is within God given instinct to feel urgency to get to bed on time. But the instinct exceeds it's proper function when I let it be my justification for anger to her. That is when I let it get between me and her. - selfish

I did well to set aside my judgements today.

I was pretty busy at work today and felt useful.

This evening I was able to be helpful with the kids and my mom visited and we all had a great little dinner and then played in the backyard.

I thought about how HALT: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired might make a good meeting topic.

I was motivated to followup and draft a post on the scripture reading from my study.

I got a call from my new sponsee. I got a call from my good friend Robert.

I was able to give Christie some reassurance about her fears this morning before work.

I pray for good sleep for us all.

Today was a good day. I am grateful for good health, good employment, good love and good thoughts.

At work I could have been more productive in my downtime. - dishonest

At times I was afraid of not being useful enough. I am just grateful that I am not run over like some of my other jobs.

Last night I didn't get to right a review. I was late getting back from my Bible study.

At the bible study something interesting happened. There was a question well into the meeting that asked the question: "when have you had to rely on a power greater than yourself?". I have been restraining myself from speaking about my addiction in the company of normal people. Something kept me from speaking about it ubtil the next question: "Do you share with others how God has helped you in your life?". I felt like that was my que from God to speak about it. I tried not to be too long winded but did talk a bit. Then the meeting leader talked about his drinking and God. Then another guy talked at length about his life of delinquency, crime and drugs.

At this point I felt like several of the others may have been alienated or confused. I realized just how much normal people are not like us. I think it was the right thing to do but I also feel like I learned how important it is to be prudent in normal circles. This also reaffirmed my recent endeavors to strive to be ble to communicate the miracle that God has performed in my life in terms of unmanaeability that any human being can relate too.

I thought today that maybe my 12 step fellowship is too close to the church where the meetings are held. I had to rethink my idea about having a meeting every night. Maybe that type of use would be better suited to a club.

Kevin called me and I called him back and had a good conversation at lunch. He was checking up on me because he heard I was going through a lot and he hadn't seen me at meetings. - grateful

Corrective Measures
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• I should jot down my thoughts during the day.
• I should also continue to try and think of ways to speak about the benefits of a spiritual life in terms that secular people would be receptive to.
• I should continue to strive to be a demonstration of good character and not a hypocrite.
• I should try to think more of others and call them

Grateful to be loved.

Today I thought about my fear of losing time. I thought about it when I was on my way to work and on my way home. About how I often engage in a competition with other drivers on the road. Sometimes it's when I overvalue the few moments I think I might gain by getting ahead of the slow people. Sometimes there's no reason at all other than I just want to beat others. I resolved to enjoy my drive instead and just turn off the radio and peacefully contemplate the things that are worth valuing.

I studied Nietchze, Jung and Joseph Campbell again today. I saw how their ideas were connected. I saw how Jung found meaning to life, Campbell fought with people and Nietzche died insane. They were all inspired by truth but they didn't all chose to see it.

I caught myself starting to react disrespectfully to Christie again today. But fortunately I remembered to set aside my judgement and to treat her with kindness. It was a good evening.

At work a couple of guys got into a conversation about reacting to customers and treating them disrespectfully because they don't do what they are supposed to. I wanted to interject and explain what I see them doing. Instead I waited until they brought me in, in an irreverant way. I had an inspiration to speak about how their conversation helped me in my marriage. About how resisting my judgements regardless of whether they are right are wrong was the way to get positive results. Not by changing her but by changing me.

Corrective Measures
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Tomorrow I should try to help Evan more at work
Tomorrow I should tell Christie I love her more
Tomorrow I should try to be a better example of living a moral life

This morning I woke up much later than usual, I was very tired from the yardwork I did yesterday. I was afraid for a short time about losing time. This has been a great fear of mine for a large part of my life. This brings to mind something that came to me during the homily today at mass. This fear comes from a "world centered, world view". In this mindset I can only concieve of what is possible through the limited resources of this world. More precisely the limitations of the world within my vicinity.

Living in a "God centered, world view" I don't have to fear the limitations of the world. I don't have to dread losing time on the weekend. And there's much more...

The rest of the day I watched races and bicycle jumps with Bobby. We practiced baseball in the back yard. I played with the kids in the evening. And I spent some time talking to Christie today.

I didn't get to do anything 12 step related today but I did think alot about step 3 and a breakdown of the step similar to step 1.

• Made a decision
• Turn our will over
• Turn our life over

Made a decision - This is more than just a decision, it is a change of direction. It is the beginning of a new life, a "God centered" life.

Turn my will over - This is where I turn over my powerlessness.

Turn my life over - This is where I turn over my unmanageability.

Lately I have not been spending much of my review seeking corrective measures. So I have decided to write them down so to make sure I do this part of the review.

Corrective Measures
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I should call my brother who is sick
I should call Robert my new sponsee
I should be more loving to Christie
I should be a better caretaker to my dog Pinga