Last night I woke up with terrible bladder pains. I thought the kidney stone problem was over but apparently not. I was afraid of continuing to be sick, taking medication, missing work and the financial costs.

Today I also had problems with the respiratory virus/infection whatever it is that I have. I was tired and slept on and off all morning in between taking care of the kids. I was afraid of disappointing my wife. I was afraid of not getting the yardwork done. I was afraid of not getting any other errands done. I talked to Christie about my fears.

Later I was able to go and get the haircut I've been needing. I was able to do some cleaning done in the house. Christie nudged me outside and suggested her and the kids help me do just a little yardwork. I ended up doing the mowing and raking leaves which were the 2 major things I needed to get done.

I spent some time playing hacky washers with Bobby. I spent some time guiding Eva and Ivan riding bikes. Christie joined us with baby sophie.

Tonight I got to go to the meeting even though I didn't feel good. The topic was the Sane Sex Ideal. I didn't get to share but a lot of people did.

Afterward I thought o some things I am grateful for that this part of the inventory gives me.

I am free from the irritability of living with unrealized expectations.
I am free from the bondage of a dependency on an unhealthy set of desires.
I am able to be a partner in a real relationship based on love and trust and mutual respect.
I get to have my will aligned with the way that works best and makes sense out of this life.

Corrective Measures
-------------------------------------------------------
I will trust God with my fears and know that they will pass if I use the tools and trudge through them.
I will continue to seek guidance and rely on God for a sane sex life.
I will work on treating my wife kinder and respectfully.
I will look into the right actions and follow directions for treating my medical conditions.

Today I didn't take the pain medicine for my kidney. At mid morning I thought I felt pain but It wasn't bad enough to be clear. After that I didn't feel any kidney or bladder pain all day, so I think it has passed.

I did however experience general discomfort, tiredness, stiffness and kind of a feverish feeling that grew as they passed. I think my body i experiencing some withdrawal. Tonight after dinner I passed out and missed my meeting. I slept restlessly and felt like I was struggling to stay awake in my sleep. Then I woke up and didn't feel rested.

When I look back at the balance of the day however, I feel positive. I think my trial with the kidney stone is over. I didn't have to take al the medication. I have a great job and had a great day in which I was busy and useful again. I had quality time with the family at story time tonight. I thought of God and religion and helping others most of the day.

Tonight Christie and I were able to talk about recovery and working with others and our respective programs.

Last night I had bad dreams. I didn't remember them clearly in the morning but I woke up several times with flashes of nightmares. I think God protected me from experiencing them with clear memories in my conscious thought. What little I remember was that they were very frightening and seemed to involve attacks from malevolent spirits on a different plane of existence. I attribute the disturbance to the drugs I'm having to take for my kidneys.

I tried to stop taking the medication this morning but took it at mid-morning when I thought I felt suspicious pain come back. I feel uncertain as to whether the stone is passed.

Today I was very busy the entire day at work. I was blessed with usefulness.

This evening I was very tired and can't wait to get to bed. It seems to have been an uneventful day. I didn't get angry or resentful with anyone. I thought about gratitude alot and about Kevin and about God and other friends and my family and my wife. I didn't really have any time to do anything tonight as I didn't get off work until 5:30 and I had to take care of the kids tonight while Christie went to her meeting.

I was getting my stuff ready for tomorrow and I saw a program on that disturbed me. It was a seemingly harmless show about Austin. But I saw people who's lives revolve around Godless pursuits. I saw people who spend all their time caring for bats and other animals. Not that there's anything wrong with these activities per se, but it was the amount of effort, time, resources and adoration that went into these things that caught my attention. I see this differently now. I see how people substitute relationships with animals for people.

I saw a freemasonry temple luring in children with theatre programs and teaching them to center their attention around what makes them feel good. I saw how people try and feed their spiritual needs and pursue moral ways of life in ways that are empty and devoid of real love and fulfillment.

I wasn't so much focused on those people but on the way they live and how I lived for so long. I see how the enemy works.

I pray to continue to be willing.

This morning I thought I may have passed my kidney stone but I couldn't be absolutely certain. At midday I thought about stopping taking my medication. I all but made up my mind. At the end of the day, I talked to my sponsor about it and he pointed out to me that I was not following the doctor's directions. That I had to be certain that It was passed or I may have a worse consequence and a more prolonged period of medication.

Tonight I made certain to attend to my recovery program. Actually God did for me what I couldn't do for myself in that I ha forgotten that my schedule has been shifted later tomorrow. So that ended my internal debate over whether or not to go to a meeting.

Today at work I took more initiative to take other guy's calls. I was very busy all day and hed to solve problems that helped me to learn more. I just felt an overall sense of renewed confidence in my prospect of being able to learn the system well enough to have dealers assigned to me at the end of the month.

I didn't idle and surf at work today.

Tonight at the meeting I felt confident to take notes and talk about the reading from Bill's story. I'm not sure how well understood I was but I didn't regret what I shared. I think my perspective on this was more limited than usual. But it was still my genuine experience.

Tonight Kevin helped me reflect on "knowing Jesus" more. I find that He is a real person that is with me often. I sense what he looks like and his expressions and his mannerisms. I feel his presence and guidance and companionship. I lie in the arms of the father often. He is older and very wise and powerful. I feel secure and loved by his countenance. I feel infused wih the Holy Spirit. Like a rush of cool air that illuminates me. I don't know the scriptures well, I don't have many years of experience. But I have this time with him every night and every morning.

God, thank you for blessing me with your love.

Corrective Measures
-----------------------------------------------
Tomorrow I should be a better demonstration of my faith at work
I should be more kind and loving to my wife
I should be patient with the kids
I should set aside my desires and find joy in my work at home
I should check my willfullness in spiritual advice and matters

Last night I had to go to the emergency room for my kidney stone. I had to leave work at three fifteen after enduring the discomfort for an hour. By the time I was halfway home I could barely drive. Walking down the street from my building and driving in my truck I was conscious of other people seeing me grimacing in excrutiating pain. By the time I got home I was buckled over and writhing in agony. I should have just gone straight to the emergency room on the way home but out of stubborn adherence to my plan to stick it out until I got insurance I didn't. Thinking back on this I see again where I need to get quicker to be flexible in order to make better decisions. I also see that I should have gone to the doctor after the attack last week.

I took vicodin for the pain when I got home. I was conserned that I may have been too cavalier about taking a narcotic or that maybe I shouldn't have taken it at all. But when I reviewed my decision later I realized that this was the type of situation that does merit extreme measures. I had this discussion with my sponsor before.

Today I was laying in bed nodding off from the Norco that was prescribed for me and I was thinking about how I don't really like narcotics and how I don't really get high off them and how I don't really like the nodding and the nausea that I was feeling at the time. Then a funny thought crossed my mind; "I want to feel like this all the time!". I almost didn't catch it. I was dozing and the thought seemed to be under the surface of the waterline of consciousness. I stopped and took stock of this thought. Even though I don't like narcotics, the physical allergy was triggered and my addict mind wanted more.

So right now as I write this, I stopped and started to pray for the thought of getting high to be removed. Then I remembered that I have a prayer written for just that purpose. So took a look at it and prayed it and edited it.

Today I found my self being less than gracious to Christie for her faults.
I realized that I have a low grade irritability with the kids.
I even found myself being slightly intolerant with my mom.

Tonight I went to the 5th Bible study of the 6 week course. We had a discussion afterward about what types of courses they are thinking about offering next. I wish they would do a study of the Sunday scripture reading and the daily readings related to Sunday's. Perhaps someday I can help lead something like this. Perhaps someday it can become a Catholic institution that studies of the weekly scriptures be the primary type of Catholic Bible study.

Corrective Measures
------------------------------------------------
I will strive to grow deeper in patience, tolerance, kindliness, and love.
I will strive to be slower to anger and quicker to show love.
I will strive to be quicker to be flexible and be willing to change direction.
I will focus on learning and being helpful at work rather than surfing and waiting for someone to tell me what to do.
I will be mindful that right now I am under the influence even though it is prescribed. That I am close to relapse right now due to this and also other things that are cutting my addiction therapy short. That even though these things may be necessary and God ordained I am still going to be affected by these circumstances. I cannot take these things for granted, I must take inventory, be accountable and ask God for power, to ensure that relapse will not happen.

Thank God for his Grace.

Tonight as I sat down for this review I prayerfully considered what I was about to undertake. In so doing my train of thought led me to pray to the Holy Spirit. I prayed that i breathe in the Holy Spirit and be cleansed of my shortcomings today and be renewed for the evening. For a good night's sleep to be renewed for tomorrow. To be able to start anew tomorrow and be prepared to be of maximum effectiveness for God.

I was sick this morning and had to go back to bed after feeding the kids. I felt very weak and slept very hard. I was afraid that I might not make it to mass and this would be two weeks in a row. Christie got mad at me for leaving the kids unattended in their room and going to bed.

We were able to make it to mass. I was grateful to be there but was so distracted that I forgot that I would be taking communion up until just before. As I said "amen" and took the Eucharist time seemed to slow down and go into "ghost echo" mode like in the movies. As I walked away the wafer I felt the wafer break slowly into large peices in my mouth and I experienced a moment of ecstacy and gratitude. I felt a wave of emotion come over me and I almost cried in gratitude for what God has done for me.

Later today I was cautious abot getting rest and not overexerting myself so I wouldn't get sicker and so I would make it to work ok. I was remorseful about not getting the yardwork done. Now that I look back I realize that I was again afraid of losing time. I recall that I have resolved to pray to have the fear of losing time removed.

This morning when I was praying I realized that I haven't been able to effectively or consistently do the contemplative part of my meditation for some time now. So I put in the time and experienced how my ability to stop my thoughts and focus on contact with God has become very distracted. I was grateful that I was able to do it eventually.

Later we went to Lady Bird Lake park. My wife and I took the kids for a walk and they loved it. I reflected on how much my perspective has changed and how I love to do little family stuff like that now.

I was afraid today of letting my oldest son go 400+ miles to Midland with my parents today. I almost called it off and felt very justified in this. My son told my wife that he really wanted to go because he really wanted to see my sister (his aunt) because she is so far away and he needs to stay connected with family. When my Dad came over he was really concerned that my son might change his mind and really wanted him to go. I was grateful for guidance to set aside my fear.

Tonight I went to the Stepping Stones meeting but not before going through some internal dialog about whether or not to go. I decided to go out of a sense of obligation. As soon as I left the house I was struck with enthusiasm. Several people shared a similar experience. It's one that I commonly hear. The topic was the last 2 pages of We Agnostics. In the story the man hears an inner voice. I reflected on how this is evidence of a spiritual archetype. I had an inner voice all along when I was agnostic. When I had my revelation, I felt the presence of God had been in me all along. My belief felt absolutely true because I knew all along.

Someone shared about how they always answer their phone at work for calls from the felolowship.

Corrective Measures
-----------------------------------------------
I should start answering the phone and returning my calls
I should become willing again to go to a meeting every day
I should call my sponsees