Tonight I am irritated because it's late and I can't get to this review. I am just trying to turn from my anger at my wife and pray for it to be removed right now. It's not her fault but my mind wants to blame her for going shopping and leaving me with the kids last night after her meeting and then for dragging her feet getting the kids to bed tonight.

No matter what the circumstances the disturbance is within me. I can only affect what is in me. I can't or shouldn't do anything about her. I am dragging yesterdays baggage into this moment and it is making it worse. I am hyper-irritable because of my nature as a dis-ordered spirit.

All this observation is helpful but isn't the source of my relief. The bottom line is I must access God's power to transform me within. I am absolutely certain of this power.

Last night I didn't get to do my review. Right now I am very concerned about being disciplined about this work and am valuing it highly. Perhaps too much so. Last night I was by myself with the kids and bent on getting the kids to bed and getting to my review. Then my 3 year old started throwing up. He vomited all over himself in his bed. Then just as I was finishing cleaning it up he vomited and choked on it in our bed.

This set me back so far that it was midnight before I knew it and I just had to go to bed.

I thank God that he is ok and that he was just sick from eting too much cheese. I also thank God that he has a great mother who took good care of him this morning.

But I am still selfish I am still thinking mostly of myself.

At noon I got to go to a meeting.

I can hear the baby and her mother so I must end this and go help. Today was a good day. I got to do Halloween with the kids and my son was able to have a great time.

Last night I had one of my demon animal dreams. I was dreaming I was on a quest. I was coming down a mountain, across a dark valley through a forest, over a river to an ancient ruin. As I entered the grounds I approached a gate and sensed that I was in imminent danger. At that moment I began to fly by faith. I also sensed the intercession of a saint got me off the ground somehow. As I flew over the gate and courtyard I looked down and saw a sleeping brown bear. The bear woke up and saw me and started to follow me on they ground, I watched it mesmerised somehow by it's harmlessness.

Just as I realized it was leaping for me I felt time moving slower for me than the bear. The bear had turned into a white polar bear with huge teeth and long claws. I panicked as I realised I was much lower than I thought but it was too late. A huge clawed arm swung at me and I closed my eyes, jerked for the pain and prayed frantically. I felt the swoosh of motion but no pain. I opened my eyes to see that I had moved 3 times higher and out of the bear's reach.

I moved into a room and felt like I was safe. A man in a flannel shirt approached me faintly from across the room. I began to remember that I couldn't trust the situation and I needed to get moving fast to the next door. Just then the man drew closer and I noticed how large and menacing he was. I realized he was the size of the bear. I was too far away from the door. The wall and the bear both suddenly rushed closer and I was jerked through the door by an angel.

These dreams are always an indicator of a spiritual disturbance in me. In looking at where this may be coming from I always first look at the vital spiritual practices and where I may be lapsing. To cut to the chase, I don't see any gaps. What is clear is that I am exposed to the physical allergy because of the medication I'm taking. I don't have any conscience desire to use, but the obsession must be having a field day in my subconscious.

I got a call this afternoon from an atheist friend of mind. We got caught up on things and got into a lively discussion about faith. I let him know that these talks strengthen me in the foundation of my belief and my ability to communicate with those who are struggling with their faith. I might not convince him but I might help someone who is trying to believe. I was grateful to be able to speak to him from a practical perspective and be willing to put faith to the test of reason.

I heard from a brother of mine in Christ tonight. His story about giving served to exhort me to give more selflessly when I feel the Spirit move me.

Tonight my sponsor called me and asked me to stay accountable with him on a daily basis about my medication. I let him know I am taking as little as possible.

I went to a meeting even though I think I will be tired in the morning. A guy that I didn't recognized called me by name and remembered me from our childhood, he is a newcomer. A guy in the meeting shared that he is getting glimpses of feeling human again. I got to speak to a guy that I a taking through the work and we set an appointment for Friday.

The meeting was very powerful.

This morning I found myself getting resentful at my wife for running late. I blamed it on her overdoing the eents with the kids. I started to think about how this always affects us and our ability to maintain our lives. I had to stop the blamestorming than began to ensue in my mind.

At church I found myself being fault finding with her and my son for going to the bathroom during mass. Particularly right in the middle of important rites. When it came time to give each other a sign of peace she noticed that I seemed irritated. After the mass I made amends and explained that I was having trouble making peace with myself. This is true because I was experiencing excessive anger over something that I merely needed to talk to them objectively about later. I was feeling the need to correct them immediately and with malice.

The interesting thing about this was that the readings and homily were about real contrition, humility and devotion as being the way to God and not self-righteous legalism and judgement of others.

I think I will stop right now and make a better amends.

Last night I didn't write inventory because I kept trying to do it and getting interrupted and I finally just got so resentful and was exhausted and I couldn't do it.

Last night I didn't go to the meeting because I chose to keep the baby for Christie while she took the older kids to a Halloween festival at the park. I was kinda resentful about that.

I don't remember much about work yesterday except the growing fear over what's going to happen when the big group of customers get turned over to me next week. I keep seeing my trainer taking a lot of calls and I fear that I can't handle that many and especially the complexity of their issues. I fear that my coworkers are supportive in principle but aren't patient when it comes to the practice of helping me through issues. I also fear that they are not trained as trainers and don't do well explaining things to an ignorant person (myself).

Yesterday I got some great joy out of cleaning up and sanding a swing horse that came with the playscape. I set it up for the kids and they really like it.

This morning I got resentful at Christie and griped at her in a moment when she was trying to get off on their trip to a pumpkin patch and they were late and the kids were not cooperating. I told her she is overextending herself and it affects us all. Maybe I need to tel her this in an objective way. But I was angry and self-righteous, so I was excessively fault-finding.

While they were gone I spent most of the morning doing basic indoor chores. I was grateful to get the solice and to be able to get them done. I did well not to get resentful that I don't get to do outdoor chores that need to be done, though I am getting resentful thinking about it now.

But I guess it was worth it when my kids came home and told me about what a great tie they had painting pumpkins, exploring the patch, riding rides, eating foods and spending time with their friends. Another great thing was that I got to spend time listening to great teaching and doing some reflecting about the scriptures and the spiritual life.

Tonight I got to go to Stepping Stones. The topic was a reading from the 12 x 12 on practicing these principles in all our affairs. This brought to mind some simple practices that help me out a lot in all my affairs:

• Fault-Finding is to be avoided like the plague
• Blame should be eliminated from my vocabulary
• I must be Long Tempered since I have a short fuse

Practicing the principles means that I should do whatever I can to avoid having to make amends. I should not see the principles as a license to go about fighting with people and then doing inventory and amends. I should practice the principals of a spiritually awakened person and take inventory to avoid harming others.

Corrective Measures
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I ask God to remove my fear of the new job responsibilities I am about to enter into
I should be more cognizant of practicing the principles in all my affairs

Yesterday I thought I may have passed the kidney stone but I'm not certain. I didn't take any medication today. I felt progressively worse, less energy, loss of focus, inability to concentrate and finally exhausted this evening. I think I'm feeling pain but I can't say for sure. I'm afraid the pain is going to have to get suddenly severe like last time before I can be sure.

Today at work I felt some lack of resolve to be an example of the spiritual life. Some persons kinda got on my nerves. Fortunately I didn't get tested on this resolve openly, just internally. I realized that my resentment was based on my need to be the center of attention. For whatever reason this old dependence cropped up. In a God centered worldview I do not have to be the God of those around me. I am not my own God either.

I did ok helping customers today.

On my way down the street after work I ran into the homeless guy I give to. I wasn't redy, I was confused and I thought I didn't have any change. I tolf him no "I don't have any". I felt a little guilty but not too bad because of my state. Then I realized that I did have spare change.

Tonight I set the tv to a religious program that I really didn't want to watch but there was nothing else on and I had to feed the baby. There was a famous person on bearing witness to the benefits of living the spiritual life. He talked about his worldy success and his mental breakdown. He talked about being sober but being spiritually sick. He talked about his conversion and his new life. I feel lifted up now.

Today was another "Best day of my life".

Corrective Measures
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I will be more eager to help.
I will stop and check to see if I have change.
I will trust in God to get me through this little difficulty with my health.

I got to help a friend today with the experience of working through marital issues.

I was able to help a customer I was afraid of through a support call today.

I got to go to a meeting tonight. A guy celebrating 3 years asked me to present him with his keytag. I was honored because he is a real heavy hitter in recovery. He helps a lot of guys and it is a privelege to know him. He inspires me to do the deal.

I felt my initiative to help others come back today.

I had to watch myself around a new girl at the meeting tonight.

My feelings were consistent and level today. I was probably thinking of myself too much.

Corrective Measures
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I must act like I would if my wife was present all the time. On some accounts I don't need to be so guarded as long as I am loyal and respectful. On some accounts I need to keep my mind loyal.

I must think of others more.

Tonight I really felt the strain of not being able to focus on one train of thought at a time. I almost don't even care about my own desires, just to be able to carry through my duties and the requests of my wife an kids without being haranged by another and another. This is probably morbid reflection, self pity and selfishness.

Today was actually a pretty good day. After getting off to a tough start I prayed for willingness to let God present me with whatever the rest of the day had to offer. I asked for help to feel better and be willing to be open to it and not make up my mind it was going to be bad.

As the day unfolded I got off to a good start. I got an early phone call about an ongoing issue and I was able to solve it for the customer after days of not being able to get anywhere. I looked out over the hills and there was a beautiful gold reflection of the sunrise that stood out in bright contrast to the dark horizon of the hills. A few minutes later the sunlight fell on a building and reflected brightly into the windows and flooded the room with gold.

Today at times I felt it is impossible for me to work with others, I am just overwhelmed with family responsibilities. Perhaps I should just focus on my family as my primary purpose right now.

Corrective Measures
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I will stay open to what God has in store for me
I will will stay willing to help others as God sees fit
I will refrain from morbid reflection