I woke up tired and sick feeling this morning.

I barely hung in there at work and wanted to go home several times.

I was afraid when we interviewed a prospect for a coworker and I was the only one who had anything critical to say.'

I felt afraid when I didn't call someone back at the end of the day.

I felt dissillusioned with the world as I walked down the street to my truck.

I struggled with tiredness, shaking, sneezing, coughing, and tremors at home.

I felt afraid that I wasn't helping my wife enough and laying in bed.

I felt best when I did have to get up and help with th ekids even though it was very hard.

Regardless of all this I still felt grateful to have a rich spiritual life and a purposeful life.

I wanted to cry watching Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer with my son.

My ears just started ringing,

Hello God...

Today was a really great day.

It was hard.

I had to surrender several times.

It wasn't easy and I didn't have time to think about it but I just had to resist fighting and managing.

I got to rearrange my schedule and take a longer lunch and go to a meeting at noon. I am grateful for my job. The topic was step three out of the 12 x 12. I got to re-form my conception of what it means to turn my will and my life over to the care of God. I was able to share about it and hear what God needed me to hear.

After work I got to go speak at a treatment center about my family in recovery at family night. I have never been so grateful in my life. I got choked up when I tried to speak about how my wife's recovery helped protect her and my son from me.

A few people asked questions and I didn't get too caught up in the details. In the brief moments of solitude that I had today I practiced telling my storied and this really helped when it came time to do it. I surrendered and prayed before I went there when I was in the parking garage after work.

Tonight I had a lot of phone calls to get caught up on and I didn't want to make them. I had to surrender again and remember that helping others is the foundation stone of my recovery.

what a day.

Tonight we are in a financial crisis. The income shortage we have been averting for a long time has finally caught up with us. We don't have enough money for our bills and we are behind on the mortgage.

My wife and I got into an argument about it but then cooled off and made amends. However I am worried about her as she doesn't seem to be able to do anything with her fear. I believe the only solution is going to be for her to work but I have to back off and let her come to this conclusion. We talked about it the other night and she has objections that she has to work through. I shouldn't try to manage her decision.

Tomorrow I go speak at a treatment center on family night. I am grateful but as I go through my story in my mind I realize just how unprepared I am. I need to work on it some more.

Tonight I got several phone calls from people in the fellowship that I couldn't take because I had my hands full. when I think about how people share in meetings about how important it is that people pick up the phone when they call I feel resentful because I can't do it all the time. As a matter of fact I rarely can answer it and I have a hard time finding time to call them back. I feel like everyone else has no idea what how hard it is to attend to 4 kids, a wife, a job, car, house, bills, laundry, cleaning, service commitments, meetings, classes, etc. to attend to and find time to talk to them about their feelings.

I am grateful that my surgery has healed and the pain has subsided.

I need to remember that we have been here before and that God has always provided.

Yesterday morning I had my kidney stone surgery. On the way to the operating room I got that creepy feeling like I was going to the execution chamber. I kept thinking about when was going to be my last conscious moment and would I know it.

Today I suddenly remembered that I didn't go under right away. I remember that I was conscious for 2-3 minutes. I started talking to the people in the operating room and telling them how good I felt. I had a few moments where I was really flying high and maybe I told them I was a dope head getting a freebie. I almost felt like I was singing. Maybe it was just a dream.

I woke up in startling pain as they didn't have me on any pain killer meds. I was out of there in a short time and was really hurting when I came how. Urinating was excrutiating. It felt like I was pissing razor blades and glass. It was real bloody and clotted. My steady pain ended abruptly in the afternoon and the worst pain urinating ended today.

I thought all day about finishing my blog on self-righteous anger but never got a chance. I dreamed all day about getting my time at night after the kids went to bed. But when I finally got the time my wife came in an interrupted me with stuff she wanted to talk about and needed me to do. I was frustrated and resentful.
I never got to do my evening review either.

Today I got to go to work a half day. I was backlogged with work and very busy but felt productive and felt again like I am becoming knowledgeable about our system.

I had a lot of financial fear today. My wife and I argued about our finances and I had that desperate feeling of taking drastic measures. I wanted to make demands of her but I held back. I prayed for God to save me from being angry.

Yesterday we were asked to substitute for my sponsor and his wife to speak at a treatment center. Today we were called by our counselor friend to speak at another treatment center Thursday night. I felt resentful that I don't think we can find babysitting. It isn't my Mom's fault but I just get frustrated at the circumstances and feel like no one understands what it's like for us.

Despite my frustrations I feel extremely grateful right now for all that God has done for me and my family. I am grateful for my health, our livelyhood, my wife and kids, our fellowship and my job.

Today started out like my last 3, kind of down. But I got going got the kids fed and the boys and I went to Church.

Last night my wife and I decided to do Church in 2 shifts so that we aren't trying to handle the baby and 2 toddlers. I worked very well.

Today was the feast of Christ The King. The priest spoke about the Power of God in his sermon. I was grateful that I got the chance to watch the early mass on EWTN and then to hear Fr. Barry's sermon. When we got home I also watched the mass from Rome as they were have a special Con-benediction of some newly ordained Cardinals. It was a magnificent ceremony that really emphasized the idea of the Church as a kingdom. I felt a part of something greater than governements, politics, and secular organizations.

I got really tired and started feeling sick and fell asleep. I fell asleep for a long time and had wierd dreams. I woke up several times and felt sick with a scratchy throat and seemed to be sinking into a depression over getting sick and not being able to wake up.

I woke up refreshed and inspired. It felt like a real miracle of healing. I was very grateful to feel like my confusion and low spot had passed.

We had a great little dinner and when my wife went to her meeting I sat the kids at the table with a picture of Jesus the King and Mary Queen of The Angels. We read the pamphlet for the kids from Church and each one had their own to color and do the puzzles.

I talked to them of how God's Power works in our lives to provide us with meaning, purpose well-being, guidance and Love for each other. I read the Scripture readings with my oldest son and we talked about when we will be together in Heaven.

Last night I had a weird long dream of a post-apoclyptic world in which I was trapped in a building that had a secret elevator to different floors and different worlds and different times. There was a lot of gang war, violence, sex, drugs and general depravity on each floor.

My journey seemed to be to try and get back to the floor that was my paradise lost. Sometimes when I would get off on a floor I got the feeling I would be lost there for years struggling to try find the hidden elevator again. I ran into many trials, people and mysteries that were obstacles to finding the elevator. There was a lot of temption, frustration and times when I wanted to give up.

In the end I never fell into using or depravity on any of the floors.

Tomorrow I go into surgery. I got a call from a friend who told me that he and others prayed for me that my sobriety not be affected by the event. I put the boys to bed and went and did some things that needed to be done. When I came back to say prayers with them my oldest son said he had prayed to God for me. I was very proud.

Another "Best Day Ever".

Today during the day I was thinking about last night's meeting topic again. I still felt dissapoined at not sharing about it but took consolation in the fact that I did 12th step sharing both before and after the meeting on a one-on-one basis with several guys. I realized at some point that I also was never quite clear in my cenception of this topic. I felt compelled to think it through and write about it.

At several times during the day I tried to write about it but just kept getting interrupted and distracted and even when I focused I couldn't wrap my mind around it. I started several trains of thought and had to throw them away and start over. I felt baffled and confused.

Late in the afternoon I got a call from someone in need of counsel. I spoke to him for a long time and was astonished at how I was able to concieve and express thoughts about everything he was struglling with. I was able to share my experience, perspective and point him back to the process over and over. One of the things he talked to me about was sometimes not being able to share in meetings. I shared with him that there was a process for that too, that I always make it a point that if I don't get to share for whatever reason that I stay and share with someone after the meeting. Invariably someone finds me that needed to hear something I had to say or that says something I needed to hear. I told him that this is 12th step work. At the end he thanked me for picking up the phone and said he just really needed someone to talk to that moment.

I went back to my writing and continued to be baffled but at least I knew that I wasn't baffled about everything.

My wife encouraged me to go to a meeting even though I know she would rather me stay home and help her. The meeting topic was step 12 and doing 12th step work in meetings.

I never got to share on the topic but I did some 12th step sharing after the meeting.

I also thought about how my wife had the insight to encourage me to go even though it went against her desires and needs. I sometimes have a hard time seeing the benefits of her program because of my self-righteousness. But if it weren't for the fact that she has a program of her own then she wouldn't be aware that I need to stay connected to my fellowship right now especially in light of what is going on this week with my surgery.

Today was very busy from the start. Christie was out all night at the doorbusters sale so she had to sleep in. Two of the kids were sick. I did a lot of spring tyep cleaning and reorganizing. I had computer problems with the main one and the laptop. When Christie came home I had to set up the kid's new computer. Throughout all of this I managed to stay grateful and not get resentful. However, by the end of the day I felt isolated and withdrawn.

I went to a meeting and the topic was "Isn't he a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well".

I thought right away that this topic was relevant to me today. But I never could quite compose my thoughts about it enough to share. I felt really confused about it because it seems that I have a lot of experience and knowledge about this topic but couldn't seem to apprehend it.

Before and after the meeting I had the same feeling I had at home, that I was constantly being demanded to speak to someone. There were a couple of guys that asked me to work with them and several guys that needed to talk. One guy even seemed to get resentful because we got interrupted twice.

Despite my confusion and lack of sharing I still felt better after the meeting and was grateful that I got to go.