Tonight I got frustrated just as the kids were going to bed. I was very disappointed in myself. I feel like I fell short right at the finish line of the day.

I got to go to a meeting today. A guy in the meeting said something helpful to me in the middle of a long rambling share. He said that he he prays and meditates in the morning and he does a review at night. I needed to hear that.

I watched a beautiful dust storm blow in over the hills this morning.
I took a brisk walk in the sunshine with no coat at noon.
I played and won a good game of table tennis on my break.
I found some initiative and creativity to start a new help document.
I helped my wife by cooking dinner this evening while she took a much needed nap.
I didn't complain about the state of the and I was able to get it cleaned up.
I put a log in the fireplace tonight and the kids were enthralled with the flame.

There is a lot to be grateful for today.

Last night I didn't do an evening review. Last night I had a long dream that I was doing speed. I have vague impressions from the dream but I have the sense that these feelings were running for long periods of time. Just as long as they would be in real life. In the dream I went for at least 8 hours of using. I was repeatedly doing large amounts of crank. I was engaged in sexual acts that I don't rememer for the entire time. I got to the point where I was deeply intoxicated but it was all no longer working and had gotten very sloppy and terrifying.

I had another dream later that I had 2 beers. I found myself drinking the first beer accidentally but realized it and thought of stopping for my sobriety. As I pondered the thought of how I didn't really have to change my sobriety date because I could drink 2 beers before I actually got drunk, I found myself drinking the last sip of the second beer and I knew it was too late.

Once again I didn't do the evening review and the result was immediate. I would like to think that "every night" is to restrictive, or that writing is too dependent on works and not the power. But I am being convinced that this is not true. That the nature of my obsession is so severe that the works are absolutely essential to access that power and not doing so is fatal.

Today I went to the noon meeting. We started the story "Gutter Bravado" I noticed that in this meeting there was no childhood dysfunction. There was no childhood abuse or tragedy. There was no deprivation or poverty. The story teller had a spiritual upbringing. Yet he still becam an alcoholic.

I wrote the following thoughts on this:

No respector of background. Both the good and the bad get it. All that is necessary is the physical factor and human nature. In Gutter Bravado the story teller has a well formed upbringing. There is no abuse, no trauma, no poverty, no disease, no tragedy, nothing except a rebellious nature.

I found that I have to always put powerlessness first. I always have to see the lack of power, choice and control. It doesn't matter how I got that way or what started the ball rolling until I address powerlessness first.

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I got a call from a friend in the program this afternoon. He doesn't call me often and is not my sponsee but he called me to work the program. He has more sobriety than me but just needed a sober brother to talk over a piece of inventory. I didn't have any special knowledge for him but it was just what we both needed to hear.

Tonight I got angry at my wife...
for holding me hostage in a discussion.
My ambitions were threatened.
I was inconsiderate to her for cutting her off...AGAIN.
I did not rely on God to handle the outcome.
I was not surrendered.
I forgot that I am powerless over anger and cannot manage my plans.
I need God's help.
I forgot that anger is 100% fatal to me and blocks me from power.

Last night and tonight I had a blast listening to cheesy old school rap and break dancing with the kids and my wife.

Today and yesterday t work I was full of ideas and inspration.

Tonight I am grateful to be sober and engaged with the spirit.

Last night I didn't write my review for some reason that I don't recall. In going back through my day yesterday I remember that I got to see the readings of the mass and sermon before going to mass for which I was grateful because I often am too distracted with the kids or can't hear over a crying baby during the readings of the actual mass.

After Church I was able to function somewaht but had another physically depressed day. It was a day where I just felt like I needed to sleep all day. I felt like I have to attend to children so much that I feel drained of any inner motivation.

I had to get myself up and get going and not let it get me down. I got some things donw although I don't reall what and late in the afternoon my son and I practiced baseball. He hit the ball very well today and followed directions better than usual.
I ended the day on a high note.

There was more to that day, especially in my thought life. I wish I could remeber it.

Today I had a moment again where I felt revulsion well up as someone nearby spoke disparagingly about televangelists. I had to catch myself and I wondered why I felt so defensive. Somehow I am too invested in what other people think or say about anything even remotely spiritual or religious. I need to develop a better sense of detachment from the opinions of others on these matters. In thinking about what was said I realized that I can relate to where this persons feelings come from. I don't like people who preach the prosperity gospel either. I must be able to engage this type of hostility with understanding first and then be able to communicate on these matters in an informed way that isn't obscured by emotionalism.

I wasn't part of the conversation so it doesn't matter. But I will be in the future so I need to think about what I should say. I don't like hypocritical televangelists either. But not all of them are dishonest or heretical. Take Billy Graham for instance. And saying that every religious person on TV or not wants to take your money is like saying every politician wants to take your money. I still believe there are or have been some good political leaders and I still believe government is a useful and necessary thing.

I also reembered that I have some of the same feelings around religious people. Sometimes they say things in their religious language that comes from a dogma that I don't necessary agree with or feel is helpful. I am speaking here of Born Again Evangelical Protestant language that in ways refers to sola fide, sola scriptura, etc... I feel sometimes that I go along with things for the sake of approval because I can't handle not being in agreement without emotional reaction.

I got to go to the noon meeting. It was a good meeting and afterward a guy stopped me and wanted to talk. He seemed to want to talk about his dilemmas. He also mentioned that he felt that I was doing well. In talking to him I beleive I tried to give him advice to work the program. I'm not sure if I should have done that. Maybe I should have just given him encouragement.

I ran into an older lady from the meeting who was walking slower down the sidewalk than me. I said hi and she started talking and walked with me. I felt like I got to know her as a person, we made a connection. As we were walking we saw a guy named Chrlie who sometimes goes to the meeting outside of his job and he offered a handshake as we passed by. It was a moment of connection also even though he wasn't in the meeting today and we couldn't stop and talk. As we approached my building we saw another guy from the meeting and we exchanged an anonymous glance, it was another connection. The walk back seemed in dream slow motion echo mode. The lady gave me an AA hug in front of my building and thanked me for talking and wished me a good day.

It was a good day.

Tonight I laid in bed with my sick daughter and gave her comfort. I got afraid of losing sleep and I got angry with my wife later when the littlest baby started crying and she didn't come get her. I had to make amends to her for getting angry. I am thankful for my program which keeps me from messing up a good day.

This morning I remembered the scripture reading from the conversion of Saint Paul from yesterday. I remembered the part where he said that scales fell from his eyes. I remembered how Bill W. said that scales of pride and prejudice fell from his eyes. I connected this with the Big Book reading last night where I could not see any relevance in the chapter and my eyes were opened to what I could not see.

Today at noon I got to take a ride with my oldest son and register him for baseball. This afternoon I got to spend some time outside with the kids and we practiced baseball.

Tonight I got to go to a meeting and hear Ms. Dot tell her story. I was amazed to learn that she got sober in CA in 1985. She had a message that moved us all. Toward the end she told a poem that she wrote on the eve of her sobriety. The poem was so inspiring that I had a vision of her as a powerful angel with wings.

After the meeting I met with a new guy who is just like me in a lot of ways and he seems very willing. I hope and pray that he gets it for his family and himself but also because I hope to make a new friend.

Tonight I went to a meeting and we read To The Employer. As we read it I questioned the need for it, the motive for writing it, and what it really has to offer.

I have never really felt that the chapter had much substance. After reading it I felt like most of what it has could be found in other places. I felt like the parts that were helpful material were more helpful to the us alcoholics than the employer.

I also questioned whether this chapter and the chapters to the family and to wives were attempts by the founders or Bill W. to tell others how to treat us. After all that would be consistent with what we do when we look for a solution by trying to manage how others.

The first page tell stories of several of his employees that died from the disease.

These pages also tell of how the person who saw this happen to his employees became an alcoholic himself.

There is a part where advice is given about how to qualify an alcoholic.

There is a lot of description of the disease or alcoholic behavior that is better stated in other parts of the book.

The story teller states how he is only 3 years sober, yet he is giving advice on hoe to treat the alcoholic.

One of my original thoughts was that the writers wrote more inspired material when writing about himself and taking responsibility for his disease.

I talked to my sponsor after the meeting and he pointed out a few things.

The perspective that these chapters provide us with material about ourselves is helpful, so this chapter gives us a little about the disease in general and about our employment.

There is a part about how resentment, fear, jealousy that come up in our jobs is dnagerous for us.

He also pointed out some helpful advice to employers about setting boundaries and acceptance of employment on smaller scale.

I may be on to something but I found more out of the chapter than I had previously seen.

Tonight I was gripy at my wife when she interrupted me. I owe her an amends, I think I'll go give her some now.

This morning I was afraid. I was afraid of how we will make it financially.

At noon I got to go to a meeting. The topic was the end of step 8 and the beginning of tradition 8 in the 12 x 12. These were tough topics to share on and several of our group passed or shared on where they are at today and their experience doing step 8. The reading was helpful because I got to see the core value of the step to repair the deep wounds in our subconscious that cannot be healed any other way than to make restitution once and for all. Or at least to make an effort to change our ways.

I shared about how this is part of the process of repairing the damage to the part of my psyche that is connected to the power that will restore me to sanity. This is like te initial disaster relief and the beginning of the long term rebuilding process.

I also wanted to share about how my experience with tradition 8 about how I once heard a guy tell his story and I almost got the willingness to commit to recovery but I felt like the only reason he could do this unreasonable program was because he worked at a treatment center and they let him take time out of his workday to do it.

I am grateful that I didn't go to work at a treatment center because I can say that this program can be done in real life.

This morning I was at work and I was still resentful about not getting adequate and focus for prayer, meditation and inventory due to my family responsibilities and life obstacles. A friend called me at work and I decided to take his call just to arrange a callback. He was in a very talkative mood and began to tell me about his prayer and meditation and scripture reading. He told me about how inspired he was and indicated he had spent a fair amount of time on it.

As I listened I felt my resentment grow. I thought about how his kids are older and he has more time and it just aggravated me more. I started blaming my kids that I don't have time.

At that time I asked God to remove my anger and almost simultaneously had the thought that I have a selfish expectation for prayer and meditation. I have to be responsible for making this happen but when God deems otherwise I must pray and strive for acceptance. I must resist fault-finding and resentment.

Today I got to go to the noon meeting. It was a great meeting and I got to share from an informed perspective at the end.

At work a couple of the guys have started to ask me where I go at lunch. I'm not sure whether I should tell them or not. For now I simply said that I visit a friend who works in the area.

Tonight I went to the evening meeting for an emergency group conscience to move the meeting to friday. I will now be able to serve the group again.

At the regular meeting we read the last three pages of The Family Afterwards. There was a variety of material to share on I was surprised at how much I didn't realize these pages held. But the sharing got focused on taking meds in recovery. Some poor folks rationalized taking meds. Some were just sharing they take them and they are inexperienced with how to discern whether or not to take them. Some folks with time in recovery shared that taking meds in recovery is not good sobriety.

I thought that there was a lot more better material to share on. I didn't get to share because the last three went too long.

It also occured to me that we can be self-righteous in this type of perspective just as we can with religion. That we may be speaking about what is right but with the wrong attitude it can drive away rather than attract. Not that we need to sugar coat the truth but we could do better at being objective.