Today I was sick again and we didn't make it to church. I felt resentful at my wife even though it wasn't her fault.

I felt remorseful that I wasn't very productive. During the morning mass on TV I woke up and felt a wave of grace come over me. I felt like I was recieving a miraculous recovery.

My spirits felt better the rest of the day even though my physical energy was low and I didn't really get anything accomplished.

In the evening I got to spend some good time with the kids.

Thanks be to God.

This Saturday I was sick again but felt better at midday. I did some yard work and then felt worse in the evening.

My wife worked for the last half of the day and I struggled to supervise the kids. By the ed of the day I was in very low spirits and was practically non-functional. I felt like I was neglecting them.

I put the kids to bed and passed out early. They all got back up and kept waking me up with minor requests. I yelled at them too much. Then my oldest woke me up sick and vomiting. I got up to help him just in time.

This morning I was sick again and I started my prayers and fell asleep several times. I slept very late until close to 9:00 am. I still wasn't ready to get up but I had an intuition, a strong feeling that I needed to get the baby up or at least check on her. I jumped out of bed and found that she was awake and quietly crying because she ad diarrhea and had a huge diaper blowout. Looking back on it she didn't have a rash so she couldn't have been too long that way. But at the time I had the distinct feeling of having neglected the kids. I thought of the scene in trainspotting where the couple neglected the baby and it died.

I got the kids fed and we had a pretty decent morning considering how poorly I felt. But I did realize that I should be a lot worse and that I was getting better. I was also grateful that my wife and mother and I had stayed on top of the housekeeping so the house was fairly decent.

I dozed off and on all day and felt my body fighting the sickness. By mid-afternoon I had that useless feeling and just had no motivation to do anything. I felt like I was wasting the day. I realized that I had a lot to be grateful for especially that this bout of illness didn't happen while I was working. But I had to accept that my feelings were just going to be empty.

My wife missed getting a job tonight so she encouraged me to go to my meeting. I had started to entertain the notion that I might just unlock the clubhouse and come home because I was sick. But I went ahead and went and stayed even though I felt mentally disconected. I just decided to go through the motions and do God's will.

The meeting ended up being very well attended. I was completely surprised. I chaired and was able to do a decent job. The story was not all that great but it was a god meeting and I was very uplifted by the things shared and the fellowship in the room. But mostly I felt that I carried the message and perfomed a vital service. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity disappeared.

I got to stay afterward and play washers and have some one-on-one fellowship and guidance after the meeting.

I got home and felt way to awake way too late, I was worried about not being able to sleep. After having some good conversation with my wife we both started winding down towards bed and she had an intuition about our autistic son and went to check on him. She found that he had vomited very bad. I was awake enough to help her clean him up and comfort him. I would not have been able to do this had I no been awake.

Once again I see that all things are as they were meant to be.

Thanks be to God.

This thanksgiving day was another great holiday with family but I was sick and the day was long.

I was thankful that the holiday is no longer a day in which dysfunction must be endured. We all love to spend time together and my parents stayed all day into the evening.

At the end of the day I was grateful for the day but I was glad to have it behind me.

This morning I woke up feeling another cold coming on but I did my best to take vitamins to try and fend it off.

I was grateful that I got to take off at 1 o'clock today and I get holidays for the next 2 days.

I didn't get to make it to the noon meeting today but I got to go to a different meeting at 1:30. At 1:35 two other people were there seated and a guy came in and asked when the next meeting was to start. I told him 5 minutes ago and I stepped up to chair with some prodding.

I wasn't very smooth but I was comfortable anyway. I wasn't sure what to bring as a topic so I discussed step 2 about a power that would restore me to sanity and I read about step 11 as spiritual conditioning as access to that power and to build up and sustain my spiritual being.

This morning the daily scriptures were again from the book of revelation. The imagery is very powerful and inspiring. I think about how my perception of the reading is so different now that I have been awakened to new levels of a spiritual conception than it was ever in my life.

I wanted to jot down some observations about the readings from the past week about Christ the King leading up to Thanksgiving day and then advent.
The idea of God as the shepherd and the shepherd as a ruler.
Worldly rulers and the true ruler of the world.
The throne room of the Lord.
The imagery of the realm of the spirit.
The sovereignty of the Lord and the creatures He rules.
The end of times and the final judgment.
The harvest of the faithful.
The separation of the wicked from the righteous.
The acts of faith by which we will be judged.

Today I joked with guys at work all day about a recording of a person with a deep ethnic accent and a misguided notion. It was form of self-righteous pride. I was mocking the lowly, I was propagating a stereotype. After meditating on the Gospel reading from sunday the feast of Christ the king I had to do a heartfelt act of contrition over this.

I didn't get to go to the noon meeting because an elevator was stuck. But I got to take a walk which was rejuvinating. I also ran into a friend from the meeting on the street and we got to have a friendly conversation that we never get to have at the meeting.

Tonight I griped at the boys more than I should have.

Tonight I found a prayer for Thanksgiving.

Thanks be to God for a good day.

Today I thought some more about the guys that I saw at the rehab center. Each of the guys were very active in service work and were well connected in the recovery fellowship. One guy worked at a top of the line rehab and another was a founder of the groups in our part of town. The common thread of their relapse was that they stopped doing the spiritual maintenance steps of daily personal inventory, and prayer and meditation.

Today I got to go to the noon meeting. We read the personal story "Freedom From Bondage". I noted that it took a combination of several ingredients to bring the writer to a point of surrender, the terrible realization of powerlessness, a referral by a doctor, and an acquaintance in a twelve step fellowship. I related that it was a similar set of events that in combination helped me to jump through that window of opportunity.

I had a good day at work and a nice evening at home.

I didn't have any major fears, resentments, or desires today.

I love my wife and family and I love the life that God has given me at the end of this day.