Last night I was grateful to have found a recording of my friend Blind Dave doing a workshop on steps 1,2, and 3 at a rather large AA convention. I was really impressed again to hear how good of a speaker he is. I found myself envying his ability until I remembered that he used to be a preacher and that's why he has so much experience.

Tonight I watched a show about the Seven Deadly Sins with my son. It was a really good show that explored the sins and the consequences of them from an objective and practical perspective. It explored the religious origins of the moral code but also the psychological and instinctual origins of the sins themselves.

I found the approaches to studying and correcting the behaviors to be very interesting in that people often lean too far in one direction or the other. In one superstitious extreme some believe that people with sin disorders to be possessed and that exorcism alone to be the solution without regard for the long term habits that are ingrained behaviors and require continued therapy. Others look solely to the brain chemistry and think that chemical balance is the solution. They look at the electrical activity in the brain and identify what are a sin resides in. In other words trying to fix a software problem with a hardware solution.

I believe that sins are a problem of the mind, not the brain, and not demonic possession. I believe that the mind is just the vessel of the feelings, conceptions, and spirit of a person. I think that the chemicals and electronic impulses are just the carriers of the thought processes and the chemical imbalances are caused by imbalanced thoughts or sins. If you change the thinking and behavior then the brain mechanics will reflect this. I think that spiritual beings do exert some influence but that it requires our participation until we indulge in the sins to the extent that we become possessed. But, the solution to exorcise the possession is to exorcise the sin.

Today I was grateful that I was well enough to make it to work even though I was sick to my stomach and I gradually got better.
I was grateful that we closed at noon.
I was grateful that my son has a friend that likes baseball and he got us to practice.
I griped at the kids too much a few times.

Tonight at the end of our prayers, my oldest son and I reflected on a good year and thanked God. I look for to another great year coming up, they just keep getting better and better.

Thanks be to God.

Today I had a hard time waking up and praying again.

This morning I thought about how this weekend there were two times when my wife and I seemed on the verge of angry, bitter, disagreement of the type that we used to have, but we both averted it. The severity of these events seemed to have eluded me in my inventories for those nights.

Today was a very busy day at work with the new quarter imminent. There was a work project that we were tasked to collaborate on to revise a piece of work that someone else had already drafted. My draft was remitted to be redone in a different format which cost me double work and double the time. I found myself surging with resentment for a few moments, but I sought repentance and looked and focused on the team effort and was immediately relieved and inspired to get it done which I did. I am grateful that it is not pending because I was informed about another pending project that is imminent.

At noon today I got to go to the meeting. We read the end of step 9 and the beginning of tradition 10. I had to read and share a short time after arriving and with little meditation on the topic. I did ok but I had to wonder just how helpful it is to read so often about the traditions.

This evening I got to colect firewood on the way home, I got to swing the little ones on their playset, I got to throw passes with the older boys, and I got to eat a great dinner that my wife made.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I had a hard time waking up. So much so that I thought I might be sick or that I went to bed too late. I believe that it was just an adjustment from being off to going back to work.

I got to go to the noon meeting today. We finished More About Alcoholism and started We Agnostics. I thought about apatheticism and secularism today and how this is a more insidious evil that can lead a person away from God and into disorder and dysfunction just as effectively as overt evil.

Walking down the street I had a moment when a desire sprung up. I took a spot check of my feeling and realized that there was a complex rationalization in a seemingly minor sin. Inside I was telling myself that the it wasn't important, or it wasn't harmful, or I really wasn't doing it, or just ignoring it would be enough. When I admitted it was happening, I didn't want to turn away. At that moment I remembered that during a recent "think through" I made a commitment to make Jesus and his Truth bigger and more important than this (or any) desire. So I did that (even though I couldn't remember all the reasons why)and was immediately free from the vice of the thought.

Tonight I was a little gripy to my wife at times.

As I was thinking about some of what was read at the meeting today. I remembered what I thought about it. This was about how I will slip into the obsession without warning apart from a spiritual power. I had spoken about my last relapse and I began to remember it. Suddenly I was drawn intensely into the chemo-erotic activities, feelings, and experience of the episode.

I must pray for God to remove them and to be the biggest and most important thing in my life as I did today.

Thanks be to God for a Power that will restore me to sanity.

This morning we were late getting up but I took it easy and we made it to mass on time and the kids were fairly well behaved. We avoided stress and irritability.

In the afternoon I became resentful that my wife was gone for a long time. I wasn't so much resentful at her as just not happy with not being able to accomplish anything that I wanted to do.

I got some dishes done, I got the trash out, I got some leaves put out, I chopped some firewood for the evening. I am listing these things to help see that I did something with this day.

I see now that these things were minor in comparison to guiding my kids in their spiritual formation, being present and loving in their lives, keeping them clean and fed and healthy, and just spending leisure time with them. I truly did accomplish alot today.

Tonight I watched a program about the assassination attempt by Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg on Adolf Hitler. The thing that got my attention was that he was a devout Catholic and his moral revulsion came from this.

Thank be to God for a good day.

This morning I was grateful that I woke up at a decent hour. I prayed and watched the mass and got the kids up and off to a good start.

I thought about how I used to be so irritable during the holidays and how I used to just see it as a big pain in my ass. I am grateful that I can appreciate and enjoy these times now despite the chaos.

At mid-day I jumped on my wife for using the broom to wipe the table and she got very angry. I had to be assertive one time and then let it go. I had to pray for God to keep me from being angry and I had to stop thinking about it and thinking critically about her. With a little time she recovered. I don't know if I was completely right and I don't want to review it with her but I need to make amends for getting after her.

In the afternoon we had another Christmas dinner with my nephew and my parents. We had a great meal and a great time. My body language to my sister in law was less than warm and I need to work on this. I tried to talk to my dad about the Christmas truce story in World War I. I could tell that he wasn't too interested and I never got to finish it. I know that I have a desire to reach him about spiritual matters and I find myself developing expectations when I find ways to work this into conversations. I realize that I was disappointed. I ask God to help me with this so that I can remain willing and find peace. We had fun, playing washers and practicing baseball with the boys.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting, I was grateful.

Today was a much more peaceful and serene day. I slept in a little and started to worry that I was sleeping too late but I managed to get going and got the kids up and started by 8:40.

Right after breakfast the phone rang and I uncharacteristically answered it. It was my wayward niece calling to wish us a Merry Christmas. I was grateful to get to speak to her and offer her some hope for a better life even though we didn't speak directly about this.

My son's friend came to visit and it was a blessing because he got us to go outside and hit baseballs into the batting net. Then he wanted us to take him on one of our bike rides so we did. We had a great ride even though I had a flat on the ride home. I had to walk about 10 blocks but it was still enjoyable and healthy exercise. I noticed that I didn't react poorly internally about it. I was able to just make a good decision about walking toward the gas station to get air and was able to jog with the bike.

Throughout the day I got to do some odds and ends around the house which helped me with a constructive outlook on ths day.

In the evening I got to go to my meeting. We read the story about the Mic Mac Indian.

I was grateful for the gift of recovery and the spiritual life today.

Today was a great Christmas day for my family but it was difficult for my wife and I.

The kids had a great time opening their gifts from Santa Claus in the early morning.

My wife and I had to get very busy preparing for Christmas dinner. By this time I was feeling overwhelmed with the kids as we had to deal with the chaos of them going nuts and then wanting breakfast and then trying to get the house cleaned up and the dinner going.

There was a point when I couldn't think anymore and the kids had on a movie that I couldn't stop watching. I wasn't being very helpful except to do occasional requests for the kids. My wife griped at me a few times and I judged her for losing site of the spirit of Christmas.

By the time dinner came together and we said grace, we felt better.

In the afternoon I began to feel the achy headache and weak feeling that starts every cold this season and I laid down for a minute and passed out for an hour or two.

I woke up and could see that my wife was resentful. But, physically I felt rested and I got busy and took over the kids and she laid down and passed out.

It was a bit stressful but I never felt as brain dead and weak as I did in the morning. I could have done a better job of letting my wife rest in peace but she did get to rest for a long time and she needed it.

Thanks be to God for this day and happy birthday Jesus.