This morning I was late waking up. I was tired after a long day alone with the kids and a lot of housecleaning on Saturday. The kids were awake and getting into spats about my oldest son harassing the others to watch his magic tricks and harassing my wife and I to wake up. I angrily yelled at them so that my wife would wake up and handle it because I wanted to sleep. This was selfish of me and I was resentful about the whole magic thing that my wife got my oldest kid into. Fortunately she didn't hold it against me but I still felt guilty for being that way to the kids (God's kids).

I was afraid that we would be late getting to church and be stressed out. Fortunately I caught myself in these feelings ad decided to take it easy. My wife got up well before me and took unexpected initiative to get the kids well prepared. We got there on time and in good spirits. The kids were unexpectedly well behaved. Thanks be to God.

Today was Pentecost Sunday. Fr. Charlie Van Winkle presided over the mass and our Fr. Barry gave a great homily. It was a spiritually moving experience and a special treat for us. During the communion I watched my son take communion in the normal mass and I felt very proud of him. I found myself a little distracted and the thought came to me that I should be especially focused on this day. I turned my thoughts to God and made an effective spiritual communion. I've got to get back into the confessional so that I can take the Eucharist. Fr. Charlie's Holy Boldness exhorted me back to a deeper spiritual life.

After the mass I went to the treatment center meeting. I was the only one there. The attendant said that no one made it last week. I talked about the insanity that we talked about in our meeting the night before. But, the meeting gravitated to talk about the cross addiction with lust. It was a great meeting with a lot of guys coming up to me afterward and saying that they appreciated our discussion.

This evening I sat the three little kids on the couch and my oldest son did a magic show for us. I was wonderful to watch him perform and to watch the other kids enthusiastically participating. As I write this I am pleased that he is doing something he likes just for the fun of it.

My wife got some attention and comments tonight about how nice she looks having lost a lot of weight.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Last night I had a dream that I was so drunk that I stumbled into a muddy ditch and fell on my face and was passing out there. I thought that I migt drown but I was more afraid that I would be rescued and caught drunk. As I woke up I found myself indulging lustful feelings that started in my sleep. I had to work to turn away from them and to align to God's will. The thought came to mind of how these feelings perpetuate themselves and grow into stronger feelings which become more demanding. I had to think about how these feelings lead to my discontent and can never truly be satisfied. I thought that maybe I have been entertaining low level lust in small doses and perhaps this is accumulating and related to my using dream and the stronger feelings that I woke up with.

Ultimately I must strive to turn away from these thoughts based on my third step commitment rather than trying to think through reasons why.

My wife left on a job early today. Before she left she spotted some insects on the floor. She was very exasperated about this and kept speculating on why we had them. I kept giving the same reason; because the house is filthy! The implication was that she doesn't clean well enough. She got very angry and we bickered about it. When went to her job I was so exasperated myself that I decided that the only thing I was going to do today was a massive cleanup. I spent all day doing this.

I had to turn away from resentment and pray repeatedly.

This evening I got to go to a meeting, we talked about the insanity of the disease.

When I began trying to get sober in twelve step fellowships I had an idea that my addiction was a form of insanity but I had some mixed up conceptions that I struggled to sort through that made it difficult to make an effective commitment to turning my will and my life over to God.

In considering my insanity for step 2 I tended to think about all the insane things that I did when I was using, like sleeping in the median, fighting with bikers, stealing from my parents, blowing probation, etc., etc. But these were things that I did under the influence. These things didn't happen as long as I didn't drink too much or use. This type of insanity was solved when I quit.

I couldn't get the true nature of my insanity until I was clear that it is actually the insanity that takes me back to the drink or drug that is my problem. This form of insanity is the one that is active when I am not drinking or using. This is the mental obsession and the mental blank spot. I realized that this was true in me and that in my mixed up, unmanageable life that the real bottom that I hit was the loss of control of my will.

I thought about all the times when trying to stay sober that I had struggled and fought against the obsession to use. I also though about how my insanity had gotten worse it had become a switch that would flip that would set me into high gear to use. I became a robot without a conscience that couldn't turn it off and wouldn't stop at anything to get high. This insanity offended my pride because deep down (even though I couldn't consciously admit it) I knew that addiction was my master.

The recovered addicts in the fellowship and the Big Book told me that there is no medical, chemical, or psychological solution for this insanity. I knew in my heart this was true for me, no human power could restore me to sanity. It was only then that I fully realized that my only solution would have to come from a higher power.

I had a few relapses and I experienced that the insanity would return to me without warning. There was no time when I would debate whether or not to use or I would have the opportunity to think of reasons not to use or to play the tape through. I would just wake up from a binge.

The only way I can determine if I might be in danger of relapse was to measure if I have been working the steps.

I have also experienced that God restores me to sanity in the sense of peace of mind, happiness, and a sense of direction.

Thanks be to God for sanity today.

Today I felt like I made a little more constructive accomplishment in the morning. I noticed that I felt a lot more trusting in God to provide for my family today.

Then we sold some things and made a few dollars. Then we received a letter confirming that I will receive unemployment compensation.

I regretted that I didn't make a better effort to make it to the noon meeting today but then my mom called unexpectedly and came by with some much needed gifts.

In the afternoon I blew up a kiddy pool for the kids. It was a lot of work but well worth it to see the kids having so much fun.

An old friend came by and bought a TV from me today and filled me in on the state of my old workplace.

My son discovered a song today that I listened to when I was young. It was "Barracuda" by Heart. We looked up and watched the videos from 1976. I saw the difference between the young, thin singer and the older, larger woman. I thought about how difficult it must be to live with a weight disorder. I was grateful that my wife has addressed this issue. I thought about how I need to develop eating disciplines for my children so that they might avoid this from happening to them.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I helped my younger son get off to a good start by waking up early. I also got to pick him up at school. I love his enthusiasm when he sees me. He told me that he wants me to pick him up every day.

Today I thought some about the idea that the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions is incongruous with the Big Book. I found it on a web site and even read about the same sentiment there. After looking at this some more I can't find any reason to think so. I think it actually just expands on it some especially in the area of character defects.

I didn't feel like I accomplished anything today as I was mostly taking care of the kids. I don't feel real bad about this but I did have to turn away from fear at times. But I did get to have a relaxing day and just take it easy.

Before it got hot I got to mow the front lawn.
I got to stand in the shade and water the grass.
I got to push my daughters on their swings for as long as they wanted.
I got to practice tossing washers.
I got to clean the kitchen.
I got to take an afternoon nap.
I got to read about psychology, meditation, and eastern religions.
I got to do origami with my son.

Tomorrow I plan to clean the fridge.
I can edge the yard.
I can visit friends and go to a meeting during the day.
I can trim branches.
I can evaluate some electronics for resale.
I can clean the windows and dust.
I can shampoo the chairs.
I can sand and stain the deck.
I can print and compile a step-work manual.
I can solve my blog issues.

Thanks be to God.

Last night I had dreams of temptation.

I got back to reading the daily scriptures this morning.

This morning I got gripey at my wife when I couldn't figure out where to take my kid at his school. I got resentful because I was afraid of what they would think of me for not knowing what to do. I blamed my wife but it was my fault for being prideful.

I made amends to her this morning.

Today I had this point when I felt like things are looking worse and worse in my financial and job situation. Then at some point something made me remember my new outlook. I remembered that God has infinite resources and I must believe that He will provide all I need if I stay close to Him and perform his work well.

This evening I got to go to a meeting at a friend's house. I was very uplifted by what was shared and I enjoyed our fellowship before and after.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I got my youngest son out of bed but then went back to sleep. I then overslept until 9:00. I regretted this and made a vow to get to bed on time tonight. Before starting this post i started to watch the news but remembered my vow. It doesn't seem like a big deal but this is one of those small ways that I must learn to deny my impulses in order to be disciplined.

Today I made some constructive work search accomplishments by finalizing my resume update and updating some work search website profiles. I am also developing a methodical work search task system.

This afternoon I practiced baseball with my oldest son. Then my younger one went and got his ball and glove. He threw and caught about twenty throws. He also tried to throw with proper form. I was so proud that I wanted to cry.

This evening I got to go to the 12 step meeting.

I am going to bed now, thanks be to God.

This morning I got off to a good start and had a good sense of direction, I was glad to be back at home. After a lot of housecleaning and children maintenance I lost my sense of order. I tried my best to give my fear of this over to God.

The last two days I have been away on a trip and wasn't able to do a written review. I want to look back over the last two days to do some spiritual house cleaning and find my sense of order.

This Friday morning I had a very difficult time focusing on prayer. I repeatedly tried but had drifting thoughts. I finally had to stop and do some centering meditation. It worked and my restless mind became settled and focused.

During this period I had a thought about offering a friend of mine the use of my boat for his holiday trip. I called him and offered this but we ended up having a great talk about or spiritual lives.

He never called me back about the boat.

This Saturday morning I got resentful at my wife for insisting that we leave early on our trip but it blew over. we had a fun drive and a good day with the in-laws. It wore me out to constantly chase the kids and prevent things from getting broken. But we went to a couple of parks and this helped.

Saturday night my son and I thought we heard scampering footsteps in our room. I had to tell him that it was probably a cat on the roof. But it didn't sound like it was outside to me.

I had nightmares about an entity attacking and trying to devour me. I remember being in the grasp or jaws of a great beast an the more I fought the tighter the grasp. I had to surrender the fight in order for God to defeat the creature. It was very much like the dreams that I used to have when I was new in the spiritual life.

Sunday morning I felt very bad that we didn't plan better and attend mass.

I got the opportunity to have a great conversation about the recovery experience and the spiritual life.

We went to a Major League baseball game with my son's little league game. We had a great time even though our seats were in the nosebleed section and our team lost. We got to see Josh Hamilton hit a nome run. I don't think it was a coincidence that he just happened to be playing in that game.

I had just as much fun seeing the city's downtown site as going to the game and I made some fond memories with my kids that day.

After the game we had some difficult disagreements because I insisted on coming home rather than staying another night. Thankfully my wife came around and it was wise because everyone was at their limit.

This evening I got to go to a 12 step meeting and we talked about overcoming our closed mindedness. I got to give a good friend and spiritual guide a ride home and have a good talk.

Thanks be to God.