This morning I reflected on the reading from our meeting last night and I posted those thoughts on spirituscontraspiritum.org.

I woke up sick again but got myself up relatively early and tried to be productive. Thank God my wife was off today because I didn't feel well at all. By midday I felt better and it was nice to see our home staying orderly and not falling apart as I'm sure it would have felt if my wife was at work.

I took my autistic son to his therapy in the afternoon. I was grateful that they had a wireless connection and I was able to draft my thoughts while waiting. When the therapist came out and described what they did I was appreciative that she gave me a written description of what they did but I sensed that I was skeptical as to the need for it.

Then on the way home my son started saying out of the blue in his incongruous way that he did not like it when his brother made fun of him because he doesn't talk well. He said some other things also along these lines and I became re-aware of the severity of his condition. For some reason I thought of my brother who needed a diagnosis and treatment himself when he was a child but never received it. I thought about how this manifested itself later in life debilitating disorder. I was grateful for my son's treatment and I resolved to take a more active role.

I am grateful that he grabbed his bat and glove and wanted me to throw balls with him tonight.

I am grateful that I got to speak to a sponsee tonight and I remembered to encourage him to work the program.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I was very sick feeling and was a little late waking up. Nevertheless, I was able to pray and meditate and get the kids up early enough to play outside in the morning.

It was a difficult day for me as the baby was also sick and I had to take my son to his therapy with all the kids. But, I still felt grateful and was glad that I was worse off.

It was the second day in a row that was cloudy and breezy and the kids got to play outside almost all day. The kids enjoyed their trip to the therapist.

I got to go to a meeting this evening and enjoy fellowship with my friends.

Thanks be to God.

Yesterday I woke up with a sore throat and body aches. I was functional though and I had a busy day. I remember having several things to write about but I felt physically worse at the end of the day and I never did review these. Now I don't remember what they were.

I remember thinking about the daily scriptures and the memorial of Saint Martha. But, I don't think this was what I was thinking about.

Now I remember that I had to run an errand in the evening and I was driving through a part of town that triggered memories of using. As I was thinking of these I realized that the inside of my arm felt hot, I had a reaction in my crotch, and my stomach felt tight. I also sensed that my mind felt troubled. I realized that in my sub conscious my mind was conflicted by the desire to use and the commitment to sanity. At that moment I realized that I needed to return a phone call and talk to that guy about these thoughts. He reminded me to ask God to remove them.

In the evening I had a slight resentment at my wife for giving candy to the kids as a reward and for giving it to them late at night. She went to the store to get it and I put the kids to bed which made her angry at me.

I am grateful to God for this day.

This morning I was very late waking up. My wife was still mad at me and did not take my truck to work.

I didn't get the kids of bed until 8:30 or 9:00 and I was sluggish all morning. I felt like I had a hangover.

I didn't do a good job of sticking to our schedule of outside time, media moderation, and naps. But I did manage to keep the meals on time and we didn't break from protocol altogether.

Nevertheless I felt aimless and stir crazy much of the day.

My wife had to go to the funeral of Fr. James Kenna, an Orthodox priest that was her mentor in the her oiginal conversion to Catholicism. In making arrangements she softened her resentment and started talking to me again. She became more cordial when she brought her friend in that faith home with her and she needed my truck to go to the funeral.

Today I remembered that I am tired of her apologies and just want her to get control of her temper and own her peace of mind and not rely on me for it.

I must pray to focus on my own mistakes in this, to own MY own peace of mind, and to truly forgive her.

Thanks be to God.

God,
Thank you for this day. Thank you for all the graces and blessings you have given me. As this day comes to a close I ask that you help me to see the good things that you have done for me so that I can grow in belief and faith. I also ask that you show me the mistakes I have made so that I may see the things that separate me from you and do better tomorrow.

Amen

Yeserday morning I was trying to pray in bed and my wife and daughter interrupted me. I gave a quick answer to a question in the spirit of tolerance but they stayed there and kept on talking and assumed that I was awake and didn't mind. They didn't know that I was struggling to wake up and pray. I had a appointment to make and I was facing jumping out of bed and feeding all the kids and then dressing appropraitely for my appointment. Then my wife asked if she could use my truck because her AC doesn't work. At this point my frustration was very apparent and she had an angry outburst and stormed off in her van.

I had to take ownership of my peace and just let her work it out herself. I had to just get moving and get the kids taken care of and make it to my appointment on time. I knew by her actions that she was very angry.

The appointment that I had was with the workforce commission. Being around a lot of other people goin through the same thing I am and hearing their presentation lifted my sense of value as an employable person. I realized just how much my spirits had dropped in this regard.

I was grateful to my mom that she was willing to watch the kids.

In the afternoon I resolved to make sure everything was in order to make it as easy on my wife as possible because I intended to go to my meeting. WHen she got home she was still angry and barely speaking to me. She was not happy when I told her that I was going to the meeting. I reacted to her action and then realized that I had done what she had done. Nevertheless I resolved to own it, to ask for God's help and to let it go.

I enjoyed the meeting and left thinking about surrender in regard to the last two pages of the twelve and twelve on step one.

I got to talk to a friend after the meeting.

When I got home I tried to be kind to my wife and let her know that she could use my truck but she didn't want to talk to me.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got to the boys off to early mass, we sat in the third row. During the opening liturgy I became overcome with gratitude. At times I was afraid when my youngest son whimpered but it didn't get any worse than that and he responded to correction.

When I got home the chairperson for the treatment center meeting called me to inform me that he had been told that we need to talk less and let the patients talk more. After a talk he stepped up to take the meeting today and we agreed to alternate weeks chairing. I was grateful for this.

I was inexplicably tired in the afternoon and by evening I felt remorseful. But as I wrote about yesterday in my previous post I realized that I had a long day yesterday including some stormy emotions. I feel better knowing there is a reason for my fatigue.

I got to watch a ballgame in the afternoon.
I got to clean up after the kids went to bed.

Thanks be to God.

Yesterday was a very busy day for me. It started early because my wife slept in and I decided to make a hot breakfast for the kids instead of cereal. Then after breakfast I had to do a major cleaning and yard work because my wife had friends visiting from out of town. Then as soon as that was done I had to grill our dinner so that I wouldn't be doing it in the 100 degree heat in the afternoon. When I finished all this it was 12:30 and the kids were crying for lunch. I griped at my wife because she didn't have this going. She yelled at me about things that she felt I didn't do right. Later in the afternoon she made amends for yelling at me.

My wife's friends never made it to our house in the afternoon as planned.

I got to have a check in talk with a sponsee in the afternoon.

I got to go to the meeting in the evening. I got to hear a good friend tell his story. I was impressed that he didn't tell a chronological history but rather he spoke of his experience with the steps and he worked his history in that. I remembered telling my story that way at some point and I wondered why I still didn't.

When I got home my wife's friends were there and my wife decided she needed to run an errand to the store with her friend. I had a nice visit with the husband but then realized that none of the kids were bathed. I got very resentful and had to reluctantly ask for God's help while reasons to gripe at my wife swirled in my head. When the friends left I was able to let it go.

Thanks be to God.