Yesterday I had a very down day after a pretty good day the day before. I spent a good amount of the day in bed as the symptoms from my flu returned. I was able to do all the kid pickups but I felt very out of sorts when I was up. I thought about how illness like this has a similar affect on the mind as mind altering chemicals do.

Today however was another good day of recovery. I was up and about pretty much like normal and my mental faculties were much better.

I did some good cleaning, some honey-dos, and some off-site errands. Even so I had an antsy feeling and wanted to do more but never could get a clear idea of what would be best.

I thought alot about the possibility that I have a lower spiritual resistance or weakened state. But perhaps it doesn't work that way. I thought about the need to get reconnected in spiritual fellowship activities.

I called my 12 Step sponsor today and tried to get together for the Wednesday meeting that we planned but he never called me back.

I was a little too gripy with the kids at times but I corrected this and made amends.

I watched the video of my son's game on Saturday, this was the highlight of the day.

Thanks be to God.

I thought I was getting over my illness on Friday but I was wrong. I have been very sick all weekend. I have been in bed for the past three days and did not get to make it to mass yesterday. I was even too sick to open up my lap top.

Today was my first day back close to normal, Thanks be to God and my wife that it wasn't worse.

In the evening I was too quick to gripe at the kids but I caught myself and with God's help I turned things around.

This afternoon I learned about using the four senses to read scripture.

Tonight I got gripey with my wife over something trivial but we made amends.

I sense some spiritual deprivation but I trust that the Lord will help restore my spiritual health just as he did my physical health.

Thanks be to God.

Yesterday and today I was very sick all day. At times as I got better I felt selfish because I thought maybe I could have helped my wife more with the kids.

My daughter was sick and so my wife laid her down with me and we watched Sleeping Beauty.

Nevertheless, I did help some especially with dinner and I am grateful that I am recovering from this flu after only a couple of days. I remember a few years ago when I would get sick for a week or weeks. I recall parts of my life when I would get sick and relapse and stay sick for a month or months.

I am grateful today that I am not abusing my body and mind in the way that I did all those years.

I thought today about how importance spiritual fitness is because even if I make all the right moral choices, nature will throw me low spots.

I was grateful today that I get the opportunity to raise my children well.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up late but I was able to get up and get the kids going. I was supposed to meet with my sponsor but he had to cancel. In lieu of this I went to a meeting. As the meeting went on I did not feel well and decided just to listen. There were three long gaps of silence before I finally decided to share. Despite being sick I was pleased that I was able to make points related to the topic from my experience in a succinct manner.

When I got out of the meeting I was full blown ill. I went home and went straight to bed. Fortunately my wife didn't have school and she was able to do some of the shuttling.

I spent most of the day in and out of bed but I was still able to help around the house. It was a rainy, cloudy, temperate day. My nephew came to visit.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I thought of a few simple simple points to sum the 12 Step process:
Belief in Lack of Power
Belief in Higher Power
Personal Inventory
Mission Mindedness
Results through Action and Practice

I also thought about how I once objected to religion, faith, and 12 Step recovery because they focused so much on personal morality that I thought was irrelevant to "real" problems like world peace, global warming, human rights abuses, cancer, and Tibet. Who cares how I have sex or what things I covet, I have a "real" problem that needs a physiological or psychological treatment, not some ridiculous code of prohibitive rules.

What I didn't get was that my psychological disorder was a complex structure that didn't pop up over night. That the elements of that structure are a lot of bad behaviors that build up gradually from rebellious, to irreverent, to non-conformist, to deviant, to depraved, to toxic. I had to come to view my bad moral conduct as the building blocks of my insanity.

Also it isn't so much the direct consequences of those behaviors that is the problem e.g. promiscuity could lead to stds, rather it is the discontent that comes from unfulfilled expectations when the desires are driven to excess that leads to the real insanity.

I also had to see that I had failed to live up to moral codes and philosophical convictions on my own power. I needed the help of a higher power to command my passions.

Today I was grateful for some quiet time in the morning (after feeding and getting all the kids off to school).
Today I was grateful for the friend in recovery who called me and was my only contact all day.
Today I was grateful for my wife who is a faith filled woman and a good decision maker.
Today I was grateful for the beautiful weather and some time outdoors doing yardwork.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we took the kids to the park as they had the day off from school. I wanted to make sure they were able to get out of the house at least once today. We had a great little time, my son and I threw passes, I climbed the playscape with the little ones, and I went on a walk in the creek with my son.

I got to do some yardwork in the afternoon. My mom visited me with my niece and brought me enchiladas. In the afternoon I got to practice baseball and play kickball with my boys.

A friend called me and we had a long talk about recovery and fishing.

Thanks be to God.

This morning the boys and I went to early mass at 9:00 am. I woke up early with the boys and went back and forth as to whether to go early or wait for my wife (and the girls) to wake up and go as a full family at eleven. In the end I opted to go at eleven because I sensed that we should go before we got too far into the clamors of the day.

At One O'clock I went to the meeting at the treatment center, this week was my turn to share. My wife was late getting back from church and I waited in the truck and hurriedly backed out as soon as she arrived. To be honest I didn't even look at her and acknowledge her. I prayed for God to keep me from being resentful. I offered up my expectations to God also and tried to accept it if I was to be late. Thanks be to God I was not late.

I was a little disappointed that no one else showed up. I had a great topic (insanity as it relates to my willingness) and planned a well formed delivery but I was a little disappointed at my execution. I got a little sidetracked but managed to say most of what was important I believe. anyway, It got me thinking about a lot and I want to write it out to better master the subject.

It blows me away that there is this huge meeting and so few of the sober folks from the outside care to show up. I guess I should just be grateful for the opportunity. I guess I should also consider that part of my job might be to better promote this.

In the afternoon we had a wonderful family outing to a birthday party at Cabelas. My youngest daughter loved naming the animals and making their sounds. It was just like going to the zoo. My oldest son took part in a great store-wide scavenger hunt and the middle kids loved feeding the fish. We all had a great time visiting with friends and playing shooting gallery afterward. It was loads of fun and great memories.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting. I thought it might be selfish of me to go but my wife sensed I could use the fellowship with my friends and so did I. I was glad that I went because the meeting needed the support. There were lots of people there but not many able to comment on the topic. I was able to contribute and it really got me thinking.

Thanks be to God.