This morning I got an opportunity to read a chapter and take a quiz.

I had tension with my wife today over the way in which she communicates with me.  I had to let her know that when I ask her if she is going anywhere and she answers me with a "what are you up to?" question, it makes me feel defensive and then we bicker.

Today while reading about the process of debugging computer programming I noticed the parallel in doing personal inventory.  The first step is to clearly identify the nature of the problem so that all can address it realistically instead of reactively.  The second step is to analyze the problem and determine the specific plan of action.

I thought several times about how my wife doesn't seem to be conscious of my condition anymore, that I must continue to work to stay sober.  She just seems driven by her will and instincts.  I also worry about her self-propulsion and what it is doing to her.  I had to assert myself to resist arguing and go to a meeting.

This evening I got to go to a meeting.  As I was waiting I thought about the fact that when I was in my addiction my main problem was that I did not have control of my will.  My will was driven by my warped instincts and obsession for the ecstasy of the first hit.  Yet turning over my will to God was an intolerable thought.

I was a little disappointed that I couldn't assemble my thoughts on the topic but it was a strong meeting and several people shared what came to mind for me anyway.  After the meeting I did have some unique ideas and I will write those in my blog.

I got to hear some good stuff and talk to some good friends about recovery.

Thanks be to God.

Last night I fell asleep early but then woke up and couldn't sleep until after 2am.  This morning we all had a hard time waking up.

I spent all day with my kids at their field trip at a farm.  While I was there I got a phone call from a sponsee.  My initial reaction was to ignore it but I went ahead and took it and afterward was very pleased to have done so.  I had a great time with the kids and when I asked my son what the best part was he said it was that I was there with him.

In the late afternoon I went to get a fast food meal because I had skipped lunch but instead made a choice to go to the store and buy dinner and eat hot dogs at home instead.  I took another phone call during that time.

When I got home I called my dad and found out my mom was having problems after her surgery.  My wife and I discussed it and she called my mom and decided to go help her.  In the midst of this a sponsee showed up to meet with me.  I was able to talk to him which really helped me.

In the evening after dinner I went into a cleaning frenzy as my house was a disaster.  My wife and I got irritable but when it was all said and done and the kids were put to bed, peace descended upon our home.

Thanks be to God.

This morning after all the kids were dropped off at school I fell asleep for about an our, the better part of the morning.  I felt worried and mad at myself for losing time.  I tried to remind myself that I was pretty sick this week and it was probably the lingering effects.  I also reminded myself of my sponsor's advice that I associate oversleeping and illness with the remorse of using.

In the short time before the kid pickups began I got our printer back up and running on my wife's computer and I rehearsed my speech for the class tonight.  Looking back it feels good to have done something constructive.  But, during the time of the kid pickups I felt so distracted that I struggled to retain the speech in my mind.  I reminded myself that it was only 3-4 minutes.

I took some time to call back a friend in recovery who called me yesterday.

I managed to get the kids to ride their bikes a little and both boys to do a little baseball practice.  When my wife came home she tried to get me to rehearse our speeches but when we tried we got interrupted and I got resentful and so did she.  We never did get back to it and she got progressively more irritable as the time approached for our class.

I also started to get grouchy and worried about our babysitting arrangements but thank God for our friends who stepped up to help us with this.

I got apprehensive about my speech as the time came near to give it.  I felt uncomfortable telling strangers in a non-recovery setting that I was an addict.  But, as the other people gave their talks, my fears resolved in my min and I was OK.  Afterward a fellow student was very eager to speak to me as she is studying to be a counselor.  Then during a break the instructor pointed out a person who had recovered from abuse and homelessness and myself as the faces of those who have recovered.

Afterward my wife and I got to go eat a nice dinner together.

When I got home I briefly heard Dr. Drew asked about David Lettermen's resentful attitude.  He said that resentments eat you alive and you gotta let them go.  When asked how, he said that people in recovery speak to their sponsors, process their resentments, and pray and they eventually go away.

At the end of this day I felt rejuvinated to be active in recovery.

Thanks be to God.

This Tuesday was finally a day back to normal.

I was afraid of being behind on my school work.  Then I looked at things and found out I was ok.  I spent the morning getting registered for the summer session.

Afterward I went to visit my mom at the hospital after her surgery.  I was grateful to be able to do this today as in my past this would have been the sort of thing I would have neglected.

In the evening my oldest son had his biggest baseball game of the year.  Everyone on the team had been anticipating this game for some time.  The other team was undefeated and my son's team had only one loss, to them.  This was the rematch game. Unfortunately, the other team did not have enough players show up.  Today and tomorrow are the big state testing day at school and many parents did not bring their kids.  All the kids that showed up were very disappointed.

I had mixed feelings about the whole thing.  I understand the importance of testing and getting plenty of rest.  I can see how parents wouldn't want to have a game that night.  But after trying to get it rescheduled, which they did.  They should, as we did, meet their obligation to the team and show up.

It was an extremely busy Friday and Saturday and then I came down with a horrible case of food poisoning.

I got to attend my son's games on Saturday morning and then got to take the family to a park for an outing with the teammates of one of their teams.  That afternoon I got to do step work with a friend and then attend a speaker meeting.

My wife took good care of me and the kids while I was sick.  She went to mass with my son for our family.

My illness left me feeling like I had been beat up and raped by a gorilla.  This morning I was slow getting back to normal but I had to get up for the brush pick up.  I was disappointed that I never got all the new brush trimming done but I found acceptance.  I saw how I could a lot of little stuff like this to get me down.

I got to participate in my youngest son's baseball game tonight.

Thanks be to God.

I spent Thursday morning doing school work, thankfully.  I listened to Journey this morning and listened to an interview with Steve Perry.   I thought about some significant things related to desire and self-centered thinking this morning but I can't remember what they are this Friday morning as I write this.

I thought back to someone I spoke to recently who is struggling with comparing themselves to the success of others.  I thought about how I tried to encourage them but just did a superficial job by validating their feelings.  I remembered how I worked through this. I was thinking down a wrong path of thinking I worked a better spiritual program than they did but still failed.  Then I thought I would set my sights on a personal victory of working a better program than them.  I realized my wrong motives and stopped them but recognized that I had stumbled onto the solution to my problem.  I needed to focus on how well of a job I did of working my program and nothing else.  More specifically, in meetings I needed to focus on how well I carried the message.

The rest of this day I spent attending to the kids.

Thanks be to God.

This morning my wife found out my son had not done his homework and they got in an argument.  I was very disappointed because he had told me that he did it.

On my way to work a car zoomed around me.  Another car pulled out in front of me from a side street.  I thought about how these vehicles didn't gain any time advantage as we clearly were all going to stop.  I thought of my own motives when I need to get ahead of everyone in traffic.  I was glad that this has become much less prevalent in me.  I wondered if this is covetousness.  Perhaps this wanting to have what someone else has is the nature of this anxiety.  It is a form of selfishness.

I got a call from a guy who wanted me to show him where to go to an AA meeting.  He came to my house and we went to Western Trails.  It was a good meeting and I was glad I got to go.

This evening both of my sons had baseball games.  My oldest son pulled out of his batting slump and almost made a diving catch in the outfield.  Everyone cheered anyway as he stopped the batter from getting extra bases on an unlikely ball to stop.

When I got home I talked to my son about his homework and found that he didn't lie, he just missed part of it when he did the rest yesterday.  I was very relieved that he didn't lie.

Thanks be to God.