This Friday morning we woke up early with the three oldest kids and left for the Autism research study.  After we left I worried about my youngest daughter waking up in a place other than home and without either parent.

The drive into downtown Houston was interesting and a little stressful.  The same could be said for the research study.  I was very impressed with the environment of the hospital and found myself wishing that I worked their.  I found myself wishing that I worked anywhere.

The kids and us loved seeing the interesting buildings and scenery on the drive and looking out the windows. The best thing was making discoveries together like being able to see the refineries far away on the horizon in the morning light.

At noon I began to lose my endurance and to bicker with the kids and my wife.  I tried to catch myself and replace my thinking.

We returned to my in-laws house around 2 or 3.  It turns out that my youngest daughter never even missed us, she had a great time with her grandmother from the minute she woke up.

In the evening the boys and I went to an Astros baseball game with my father-in-law.  We all had a great time although my youngest son, the autistic one kept me very busy correcting his restlessness.  A guy next to me started a conversation with me.  I had the attitude that I usually do which is that people don't want to be bothered and don't want to know you.  The guy was a very friendly older guy and looked familiar, almost possibly like a public figure.  I realized that I don't allow myself to go out on a limb for the sake of neighborly friendship.   I should do so regardless of the outcome.  I thought perhaps this is a way to give forward.

The game was great and the fireworks were awesome.  We had a wonderful experience together and all agreed, it was the best day ever!

Thanks be to God.

This morning my youngest daughter woke me up and immediately said I want to go downstairs with grandma.

We had a good morning, I enjoyed reliving last night's baseball game with my wife and her step mom.

As we prepared to leave I found myself getting irritated with my wife's actions and her behavior with the kids.

We bickered some about our lunch decisions but eventually had a nice one and a decent trip home.  On the way we had an interesting discussion about some recent thoughts I have had as to the unreasonable demands of our culture that cause us to spend too much time working and apart from cultivating our character and that of our dependents and interdependents.

We made it home safely and I experienced an altered sense of perception of the layout of my neighborhood and my home.  I had a renewed appreciation for the place that I get to live.

As the afternoon progressed into evening, I realized that I was due for a meeting and really wanted to go.  But my wife started making comments about her needs and exhaustion and I got the impression that it would set her off if I went.   I thought about my recent recommittal to own the initiative for my sobriety and go anyway but then I remembered it was speaker meeting night and decided I would rather go tomorrow night.  Then I got a call from my sponsor who said that the speaker called him and said no one was there.  He was angry that everyone has forgotten the fellowship that got them sober.

I went to the meeting and enjoyed the story and the fellowship and being supportive.  I got to talk to people who were new or new again.  I got to perform some service.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I made an effort to be more helpful to my wife by taking all the kids to camp.

I had to take a test today.  When talking to my wife in the morning she reminded me that she had a class in the afternoon.  I thought that it would be best if I didn't take the class.  She immediately insisted that there was just enough time and that I should go. I was grateful to find an effective technique to review for the test.  I went to the testing center at midday.  The test took much longer than expected and was very difficult for me.  I started out by doing an entire page of problems the wrong way and had to erase them all and start over. This was unfortunate because it made me run late and my wife didn't make it to her class.  I was mentally exhausted when I came home.

I offered to pick up all the kids.  When I got back home with them I had a splitting headache and was running on auto-pilot.  In my brain dead state I forgot to go to my class.  I realized this after dinner but it was much too late to go.  I was very disappointed and it bothered me a great deal.  I had to remind myself that it is just a lecture of the same material in the book and that I haven't missed any other classes.  But I need to turn to God now as I can tell it is still bothering me in my feelings.

This afternoon I caught the end of the Dr. Phil show.  In it he was talking about the dangers of tanning to two women who have an addiction to tanning.  One has had something like ten lesions removed and she still does not intend to quit.  He showed them cancer pictures and a cosmetic surgeon spoke and showed them gory pictures of reconstructive surgery.  Then they took pictures of them under UV light and showed them all their skin damage.  After all this the Dr. asked them if they understood the grave nature of this behavior and they said that they did.  But each one said that they knew they were not going to stop tanning.  The strange thing is that they went on to describe how it made them feel.  It occurred to me that the greatest mistake made by those who do not understand addiction is that it is not a matter of knowledge but rather a conditioning of feelings.  It takes a monumental shift of attitude to want to change but then it takes a reverse conditioning to inculcate this new perspective.

I wondered today if addicts could benefit from an inventory of desires, values, ideas, or especially, dependencies.

Thanks be to God.

This Tuesday I hit the math hard and got 3 chapters done.  It felt good to be back to being in the week I am supposed to be.  Then I read the announcements for this week and realized that the work this week is one third more than the normal amount and I have a test on top of that.  Nevertheless, it is still good.

I got to ride bikes to summer camp with my son.

In the evening my aunt, mom, brother, uncle, cousin, and his son came to visit.  We had a really good time and ate a great dinner.  We had good conversation and the kids enjoyed visiting and playing.  I had mixed feelings about some of the intolerant attitudes that my brother and cousin expressed, I wondered what the appropriate way to address this is.  I suppose it is simply not to validate those views.

I was disappointed that I didn't get to go to a meeting but perhaps spending time with my brother and cousin was  the way that God needed me to carry the message of recovery this day.

Thanks be to God.

I remembered today that sometime last night or in the past day I had a using dream.

Thank God I woke up feeling better today.  I got up first and got the kids started.  I woke up my wife kind of abruptly when she didn't get up on  her own as the kids were starting new camps and I was a little apprehensive.  Perhaps I should have been more understanding and gone ahead and handled it and let her sleep in.

I was really motivated to do my schoolwork and I got 2 chapters of math done.  I got to enjoy some adorable moments with my youngest daughter today playing blocks and dinosaur tea party.  I was proud of her for doing great in her potty training.

I again feared making the wrong decision in my education until I thought it through a bit about the rigors of schoolwork and the reality of my situation.  I wrapped up work late in the afternoon just in time to go to an evening class.  My brain felt like jello.  As I was leaving for my class my wife drove up and I asked my son how his day at camp was as he didn't feel well this morning.  My wife griped at me for not asking my daughter .  I was resentful that she griped at me in front of her and implied that I don't care about her as much.  I had to stop myself from cascading into anger.  I had to accept that she has feelings that I cannot change.

My psychology class was very interesting and informative as we talked about personality theory and disorders.  I found out that I did good on my test but caught myself being disappointed and envious when I heard other's grades that got perfect or near perfect scores.  I had to practice acceptance, I should have prayed.  I learned some new information about Jung's theory of the persona and the shadow.  The idea that the shadow is the baggage of the past that must be faced and brought to the light of day sounded a lot like the 5th step of the 12 steps.  Then the teacher talked about the golden shadow which is the transformation of this baggage into tools to become more effective and help others.

I got to go to a 12 step meeting tonight and the topic was "acceptance is the answer." I got to share in the first awkward silence.  A guy asked me to sponsor him. I got to talk to friends after the meeting.

My wife griped at me for not calling her when I got out of class early and went to a meeting.  I must accept that she has feelings that I cannot change and I must take responsibility for my own recovery.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I made a decision to watch mass on TV and stay home to do schoolwork.  I was still not feeling well with and identifiable illness and I was worried about completing the assignments necessary to avoid falling more than a week behind.  I made breakfast for all and then became exhausted and fell asleep all morning.

During my sleep I drifted in and out of weird, detailed, and at times stressful dreams.  While I was sleeping I also pondered my change of degree plan and fell into worry about my choice and questioned my decision.  When I woke up I thought through it and remembered the reasons why I made my choice.  I received some reconciliation.

I fell into fear about completing my school work.  Later I tried to file for an unemployment insurance claim and was declined as it has run out.  I began to fear for our financial situation.

I had to remind myself that I have made a choice to depend on God.  I had to ask myself if this is still true if I have begun to depend on the world.  I was relieved to be able to depend upon God.

In the evening my parents came to visit.  We enjoyed our time together but I lost track of it and missed going to a meeting.

I got back to work on math after bath and bedtime for the kids and I kept myself from going more than a week behind.  Perhaps this week I can make some progress to get back on track.

I am grateful to be feeling better.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I had a very hard time waking up.  My wife took the smaller kids to a birthday party in the morning and I took my oldest son to the park to practice baseball.  It was very hot and humid and we both seemed to run out of energy very quickly.  The good thing is that I took the conditions into account and set my expectations reasonably and was pleased that we got out there.

When I got home I developed a massive headache.  This kept me down all day.  In the afternoon I got kinda down on myself because I couldn't do anything with this day and we didn't make it to the event my mom wanted us to go to and I didn't get my homework done.  But I remembered some cleaning that I did when I woke up and I thought about how I fed all the kids and I felt a little better.