This morning my son had a fit because he wanted to leave his folder at home. The worse that his fit got the more that my wife and itried to correct him . Looking back I think that the attention actually served to reinforce his behavior, this is a basic concept of operant behavior. I did inform him of consequences to come this evening perhaps this willoverride the bad conditioning.

In one of my morning classes my professor mentioned some things about his 12 step group. I thought that I was glad that I didn't go to that group because of the fact that so many highly educated and affluent people go there. Then it occurred to me that it didn't matter, that I have a new confidence based on a more reasonable attitude about what I think I know. I realized that I have had an unreasonable aversion to some particular clubs for that reason. That I was afraid of being discovered as a fraud. The character values of intellect and sophistication have been a big part of my identity and I have been afraid that in the presence of legitimately educated and truly affluent people, that I will be outed. I never had this problem outside of 12 step groups because I don't have to be open and honest there.

I got to have a good talks today with friends from my class both before and after class.

My older son had a baseball game tonight. I was very impressed with his abilities. He wasn't perfect and neither were the boys, but they had a great attitude and gave a great effort.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I had a difficulty that has plagued me for as long as I can remember. The problem started in a dream I had last night. In the dream I was engaged in the sort of behavior that would be disastrous for me today. It involved an acquaintance and feelings that are problematic for me to indulge. I had no present, conscious control of the events and feelings through most of the dream. As I began to wake up, memory of the dream persisted, and I had turn away from the feelings. Throughout the day I continued to have this problem with the thoughts entering my mind automatically and being difficult to resist.

As I approached the school building this morning I heard lots of sirens and saw a police officer looking up and down the street talking on her radio. I walked by her and swore that she was saying "the second shooter is wearing a white tee shirt" as she scanned all around. It turned out that there was a shooting on another campus nearby. It was distracting to see helicopters circling outside the window as my classmate talked in our breakout group in class.

In class our subject was love. The professor talked about the writings and perspectives of a Jesuit priest from a book on the subject. She described several particular aspects essential in forming healthy love. I thought about Sternberg's triangle of love in which the three aspects of love form the three sides and must be present for consummate love. I noticed that it was a bit confusing as we shifted between different types of love without distinguishing which we were talking about. I thought about the "greek" concepts of love, motherly love, brotherly love, romantic love, charitable love, manic love, pragmatic love, needy love, etc. Based on the dilemmas presented in the dialog of my classmates I was grateful to have an adequate love concept today.

I thought of how true and sustainable love is an act of the will, it is not just a feeling, it is a sacrifice, a giving of one's self. I noted the limitations of trying to find an adequate motive to give love (in it's various forms) without including the love given by a God personal to me. I thought of how I have had to resist the seductive thoughts of my dream last night in order to deter the formation of desire that would detract me from my wife. I thought of how this is the sacrifice of my pleasures for the greater good of our marriage. I know that there is a logical reason for this, but that logic was never enough to subdue the obsessions that drove me blindly, until I began to live by the dictates of a Higher Power. But those dictates were still not enough until I became acquainted with a God concept of One who walked in my shoes and made this same (actually much greater) sacrifice for me.

In the afternoon I reluctantly got myself started on math work. I was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't as hard as I projected. I found a renewed enthusiasm for the work. At my Human Dev class I identified in my kids many of the aspects of childhood development. I spoke to the professor about my upcoming report and made a change that took a huge load off my shoulders. I felt a renewed sense of enthusiasm for that work. On the way home I thought back to last night's 12 step meeting on the topic of emotional and motivational rearrangement as the result of a spiritual experience, and how that seems to be the theme of this day. I felt a renewed sense of enthusiasm for that work.

In the evening I had to rush out dinner and get the kids to their second fall tee ball game. My wife was working and she couldn't be there to help but she got me off to a good start preparing dinner. I caught myself getting stressed with the kids and had to change my attitude and actions. We got there on time but the head coach was running late. As the parents arrived with their kids I helped get them started warming up. The parents all got worried as game time approached and still no coach. They all started asking me for directions and I made a lineup for them and got the game started with the other team's coach. I was worried as the game got started because my wife wasn't there and my 2 year old daughter was with my 9 year old son on the other side of the fence. But the head coach arrived in the middle of the first inning and I was able to exit to the stands.

It was a good game. My 6 year old son (the autistic one) hit well every time at bad and caught a ball while playing second base and threw out the runner at first base. My daughter played for the first time (she got stung by a wasp before the actual first game this past Saturday and had to sit out), she hit the ball and ran the bases well. I had to talk to her after the game about tossing her cap and twirling around while playing third base. She said "dad, I'm just learning", I couldn't stay mad at her. All the other kids played well also and my youngest daughter told me after the game that she loves to go to the ball field.

We got home, got bathed, and got to bed on time.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Today I thought some more about the WAR model for the fourth step approach to resentments. The WAR is the battle between my ears, I must stop the WAR.

WAR is: What they did, my Attitude (or Anger) about it, and my Response or Reaction. In the fourth step I am taught to change the WAR into a WIN. The WIN is What they did, I take Initiative to recognize my reaction, and I take a New attitude instead of reacting. I still may need to respond but now I can do so appropriately.

I also thought about some new nuances and praying for... now I forgot. I do recall that I identified what it is about the 12 step approach to prayer is that is different than most religious prayer. 12 step prayer is almost entirely formative prayer, whereas religious prayer is much more worshipful and intercessory.

This morning we had the middle children's first tee ball game. All started out well until my daughter got stung by a wasp. It was a huge scene that started with a blood curdling scream and halted the game. It was apparent that she was not going to get over it and I had to leave with her. Unfortunately my wife was working so wasn't there to help. Fortunately my mom was nearby at my other son's practice and she was able to settle her down and keep her while I went back and finished the game with her brother. She ended up being ok in the end.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This Friday my wife brought an an issue to me in which a family member has lashed out at her at us and at my parents. In dealing with this i had to catch myself several times reacting impulsively.

This morning after class I had a great discussion with a friend about they church catholic.

This afternoon I was inspired by the ABC model of behavior. I thought about a WAR model, what happened, my Attitude about it, my Response.

This morning I some thoughts came to mind about last Friday which I never got to review. First, in the morning, after getting the kids up and taking them to school, I was able to get my truck to the tire shop to replace the bald tread-bare front tires. It was a pleasant surprise to be able to get in and out of there quickly.

I spent the majority of the morning in a sponsee appointment. We talked about alot of things but afterward I realized that I need to get us a little more focused on the spiritual practices. I was very grateful for the opportunity to do this however.

I thought a lot today about several things, starting with the topic of my Psychology of Personal Adjustment class. The objective of the class seems to be the long term effect of experiences in childhood on personal ideals, reactivity, and behavior. The butterfly effect is becoming a working part of my perspective. But I also wondered about the potential to over exaggerate these effects and allow them to become a justification to resist change.

I imagine that it goes without saying that I have been exceptionally busy the past few days. Every day I say that I am going to get back on track with my written evening review but I end up passing out at the end of a long day without doing so. It's getting to the point that at least one day I forgot altogether about this discipline. I will say however that every night I pray with the children and verbally review together with them.

This weekend my family and I celebrated my birthday. My parents came over and we had a nice little dinner. I was especially surprised to hear my sister's voice when she called me. We had an awkward conversation. The result of a lack of relationship for so many years I suppose.

Saturday morning I took the little ones to tee ball practice. All went well until my daughter decide to have a fit and throw her glove down and walk away and sit in the middle of the field. At first I confidently handled it with the threat of time out minutes. All it was was that she wanted water too soon and I didn't want to make a special exception for her. Looking back I see that I need to explain the concept of following the team, practice, and game agenda with no special treatment for anyone. But she refused to cooperate and eventually I got very embarassed and had to awkwardly carry her off the field and sit her in time out. I had to persevere with practice in spite of this. She eventually came around and I didn't overdo the punishment.

Sunday morning we had a similar experience at mass. The kids seem to have taken a step backward in their behavior. I barely perceived what the gospel reading and homily were about.

Last night I was up very late doing a homework assignment. Also, I got good news in that my wife got me enrolled in an online math class. All weekend we were worried about how I was going to get the kids to their ball games in the evening with the lecture class that I was scheduled to start today. At the eleventh hour my wife got the idea to look at the availability again and found this slot for me. Thanks be to God and God bless her.

Saturday night we made nice. I have mixed feelings about this as we haven't really communicated about our differences, but I am grateful nevertheless.

Yesterday I got an unexpected message on facebook from an unlikely friend that he is discerning a relationship with God and would like to talk. Today I thought about what advice that I might give him. Looking back I think that I might be forgetting the best plan which would be to listen.

We had an interesting subject in my social services class today. It was the treatment of the elderly and the prospect of growing old. We watched a movie about this and then broke out into groups to discuss the subject. Everyone started talking free form and I got us on track going in a circle answering a series of questions about this. Most people didn't have any thoughts about this and stated that it was just too difficult to deal with. I was exceedingly grateful that God has enabled me to face this life issue and come to terms with it. I was able to share some perspectives and see that I have some work to do. I need to look at it more and discern the way that all of us in my family should approach our own plan for aging and how we treat each other.

This evening I got to pick up my 7 year keytag at a 12 step meeting. It was a truly humbling experience and I was very grateful. After the meeting I got the unfortunate confirmation that my sponsor had relapsed. I am now faced with the difficult discernment of picking a new sponsor. There are only two choices that I know of offhand and it was one of them that informed me and talked to me for a long time tonight. I asked him to be my point of accountability for now.

Thanks be to God.

P.S. Holy cow! I just listened to the homily from this week's mass. It was the parable of the crafty steward who was dishonest. Jesus said to his disciples:
"The person who is trustworthy in very small matters
is also trustworthy in great ones;
and the person who is dishonest in very small matters
is also dishonest in great ones."
This is exactly what I was thinking about tonight in discussing how dishonesty leads to spiritual depravity.

Then Fr. Barron talked about something that has been coming up for me a lot lately. The time and effort and priority with which we act to maintain our physical lives, our home, car, body, finances, but we do not act so resolutely when it comes to spiritual matters.