This morning I woke up at 1 am and did some math work.  During an interlude I thought about how primitive man relied on religion to understand and alter the properties of the universe.  But contemporary man relies upon religion to understand and alter the properties of his will.  Thus man can best understand and contend with the properties of the universe.

Last night I had a using dream.  In the dream I contacted my cousin to buy some crank.  But when the time came for me to go get it my mother was home and I couldn't go.  Later when my mother was away from home my cousin called and said that he would be at his home a block away from me at about a given time and I could come by and make the purchase.  When the time came, his roommate came to my door and advised me that he was there ready for me.  I said okay, I would be over shortly.  I anticipated the score with great desire. As the roommate darted away through a fence, my mother drove up at home and ran inside and began to question me suspiciously.  I felt stress and anxiety and anger and frustration and was thwarted in my attempt to score.  I woke up thankful that I don't have to live that way anymore and neither does my mom or wife.

This morning I thought about functional alcoholism.  This was prompted by the ravings of Charlie Sheen.  I thought about how what he is saying is based on his measure of his functionality in his work.  But at the same time his words reveal his dis-functionality of his mind.  He is lashing out at everyone around and under him and affecting all of their lives.  The dysfunctional alcoholic eventually implodes, the functional alcoholic eventually explodes.

Perhaps the ability to function in addiction is based on an inner realization that the addiction can only live if the person can keep the resources coming.

I watched a Fr. Barron's program Word on Fire.  The topic was the sin of pride and the virtue of humility.  I remembered our meeting on Friday.  Fr. Barron quoted Thomas Aquinas "Humilitas es Veritas", "humility is the awareness of the truth."  I realized that this was the lesson of my experience in the story I told about the guy with more time who asked me to sponsor him.

This Friday morning my prayers for conscience development took on a much more concise structure.

 I got to start my presentation for addictions class.

while doing math I got a phone call and talked to a friend about how my mind rejects math information.  I wondered if doing math requires shifting focus to the area of the mind devoted to that and shutting off the other areas.  Whereas with focus on some subjects this is not necessary.  For example if I were looking at biology or geology I would not need to shut down my philosophical or emotional thinking.  But when I do math, philosophical, artistic, emotional, entertainment, or psychological thought is a huge distraction.

I tried to stick to my work but I also got distracted with an idea of solving resentment like a math problem with concepts and rules.

This evening I got to go to a meeting.  We talked about the importance of humility and the difference between humility and humiliation.

Thanks be to God.

This Sunday I was very pleased to make it to worship as we missed last Sunday due to all of us being sick.  Before mass I noticed that the motivation to skip it again came up once or twice.  As we arrived I also noticed a sense of spiritual deprivation that seemed to differ from the low energy and motivation that I have been experiencing lately.

Our readings were the call to resist the compulsion to revenge and violence.  The gospel was the "turn the other cheek" verse.  This made for a great teaching opportunity with my oldest son.  I was very grateful for his level of understanding and interest in this concept.  I was also grateful for the good behavior of the kids at mass.

This day I worried about my school work.  I never got any school work done this day as we had baseball practice in the afternoon.  I had to resist the impulse to remorse and seek to accept it and move on in trust that it will get done.  I also tried to commit to using my time more wisely.

I also worried about my recovery activities, about not making meetings, writing inventory, or working with others.  In looking at my week, I did go to a meeting on Wednesday, and every day I talk to a few fellow addicts in recovery at school.  Today I thought about the idea that the autonomy of the addict is an illusion.  I thought about an approach to the resistant that appeals to their desire for liberty by stressing that one must give it up in order to get it.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I tried to make time and get through my morning prayers.  I tried to get back on track as this practice has been abbreviated recently.  Afterward I got up and made breakfast for everyone.  After breakfast I realized that I had let the kids start watching television and playing video games.  I called them all together and had my son read our daily schedule as a means of correcting this.  My son made a minimal effort to read and immediately tried to leave.  I attempted to correct him but he repeated this several times and then had a fit as I informed him of his duties that had to be completed before returning to play.  His defiant misbehavior continued until I lashed out angrily and stated an excessive consequence of losing electronic media all day.  Then while he was in his room he displaced his anger on his little brother and called him names and threw something and hit him.  I responded in kind and yelled and hit him in the arm.  Soon after, I gathered them all together and we spoke about correct behavior and I got my son to apologize.  everyone did their duties and I corrected the consequence to something more appropriate.

As I got underway with my homework, I heard my wife bickering with the kids.  I heard her escalate quickly to excessive consequences of throwing a toy away because it had been left on the back porch. I heard the kids sobbing and begging for her to renig while she berated them.  I came out for a drink of water and she started yelling at me about it.  I quickly got angry and went into a tirade at her for her intolerant and impulsive behavior.  Afterward I struggled to concentrate on my homework.

This morning I had an interesting experience in one of my classes.  We did a questionnaire looking back at our earliest childhood memories and to also write about our self-defeating behaviors that have troubled us.  It was a  study in Adlerian psychology.  I wrote about the time I remember being in the car chatting with my parents as I stood in the back seat.  It was very memorable for me for some reason, I just remember that they were extremely pleased with me and amazed at what I had to say.  I remember that it was so perfect and it was just the three of us, although my brother had to have been there.  I talked to my mom about this a little while back and  she said that I was late in talking but then one day had a verbal explosion.  I finally connected this today with memories of having complete thoughts but being frustrated and afraid to talk.  Even after I knew that I could speak I was stuck in my idea that I could not.  When I finally did speak I had actually mastered speech and the suddenness of it had to have been a shocker for them.  I realized that this was a recurring issue for me all my life.  That I was afraid to look dumb when I wasn't good at something and would not risk doing it in front of people until I was really good at it.  But if I didn't master it I would get very stuck for a long time.  I had to begin to recognize when I was being to risk aversive and learn to jump in.  I had to learn that this was better than developing a phobia and then looking really avoidant.  It is good to see this in the big picture now.

I got to learn how to graph equations this morning.
I got to go to a 12 step meeting at school today.
I got to talk to my sponsee today.
I got to play with the kids in the back yard this evening.
I got to watch a baseball program with my older son.

Thanks be to God.

I'm grateful to be recovering from the flu tonight.  For the past three days I have been completely incapacitated with 100 degrees plus fever.  I also didn't eat for a 24 hour stretch.  During that time I worried about missing a coaches meeting, not be available for my newest sponsee, the deadline for my math test, not getting any of this week's assignments done, not making meetings, and not going to church.  In my delirium these things circled round and round my mind.  Last night I finally remembered to pray for recovery.  This morning I was not energetic but I was also not feverish or achy any more.

This afternoon I had to take my test and make it back in time to take my son to practice.  I was finally able to sit down around noon and review for it.  It was demoralizing.  I could see by the problems I had done that my mind was focused and prepared for the material on Tuesday.  But none of it made any sense. I kept drawing blanks and couldn't remember how to do the work.  At one point I became frustrated and despondent.  I blamed my wife for getting me sick.  Finally I just had to leave and go take the test as I was out of time.  My wife tried to encourage me and suggested that a better attitude would help.  I grumbled that attitude wouldn't help me remember how to solve math problems.

On the way to the test I thought about how this was not the first time I felt this way going into a test.  I made myself face the fact that I was adopting a fatal final-ism and not trusting in God.  I decided to pray and to allow him to change my attitude.  I didn't become optimistic right away but I became certain that I was being self-centered and I became willing to try my best.

The test was easier than I expected.  In fact, as I did it I realized that the tests were always easier than the reviews and I had been basing my fear of the outcome on the difficulty of the review.  Also, I unexpectedly retained some of the information from the review.  I think that I did good, at least well enough to pass, God willing.  I got out in plenty of time to get my son to practice.

We had a good practice.

I called my sponsee.

My wife sent me on an errand to the store and while I was there I bought her roses for Valentine's day.

Thanks be to God.