Recently it has hit me just how much of a dose of humility that I am receiving by getting an education.  I am seeing just how much more knowledgeable, intellectually developed, and capable many people I know are than me.  I guess I have always acknowledged this to some degree but is more profound now that I can it in greater depth and dimension.

This morning I got off to a bit of a late start again.  I suppose this was due to the time change.

I got the kids fed, did some cleaning and then worked on some school work.  I was anxious again about my upcoming assignments.

My wife and I bickered over purchasing sod for the lawn.

I got the kids to play outside a lot today.  I practiced with my oldest son and then my youngest asked me to play with her.  I played with my two daughters and then my middle son joined us.

My wife was away all afternoon and evening.  After midnight I couldn't sleep so I got up and did some more school work.

Thanks be to God.

This Monday I did some school work and some yard work.

In the afternoon we went to our church and took family photos for the church directory.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting.  When I walked up a friend gave me a comment that I looked good, that I had a glow.  I answered that it is from good living, from having a good wife and kids.  Another guy made a cynical comment that I must mean that they make you work the program.  I just laughed and thought about how blessed I am.

I just listened in the meeting.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we woke up on time and made it to mass.  This was especially noteworthy given that we lost an hour of sleep due to daylight savings time.  Everyone behaved fairly well but both boys fidgeted alot and kept tugging at me which was very distracting.  I don't recall at the moment what the gospel reading was.  I talked a lot with my sons about recalling our sins before the mass started.  I guided them in the process examining the past days to see the daily mistakes we make like griping at each other, disobeying, breaking rules, not sharing, etc.  Now I recall that our first reading was the temptation of Eve and Adam and the original sin, and the gospel was Jesus tempted in the desert.  This is the basis of the Lenten practice of abstinence.  I thought of my own difficulties with temptation and worldly dependencies.

My thoughts and prayers were with Japanese people again today.  I saw personal accounts of being caught up in the tsunami and of seeing loved ones swept away.   This was much more moving than the coverage of the material disaster of the past few days.

My body was a bit tires today from the yard work I did yesterday.  I was disappointed that I didn't get any school work done.

I worried today about my lack of twelve step activity lately.   It has been 6 days since I last wrote a journal.  As usual, my kids activities, family obligations, and wife working kept me from making a meeting.  I am grateful to have a wife and kids and that one of us is bringing in some income.

I made a mistake took my son and his siblings to the baseball fields for practice today.  I got the date wrong, it is scheduled for next week.  But since we were all ready to practice and play outdoors, i took them to the park in our neighborhood.  We had a great time and got in some good outdoor activity.

In the evening I was exhausted and fell asleep before the kids were ready for bed.  They woke me up and I can't sleep so I am journaling this day and will perhaps go back through the past week and make some entries.  It has been a wonderful week even though it is one of the most insecure times of my life.  I have experienced incredible insights that I hope to be able to recall.

Thanks be to God.

This Saturday morning we had a tee ball game.  The kids had a great time.  I was grateful to be able to attend another game, that there was no schedule conflict with my older son's team.  There was a moment when another coach that I respect and admire stopped and chatted with me as I was running the dugout.  We had an awkward conversation in which I couldn't hear half of what he said over the noise.  But it was good to hear his encouragement.

 In the afternoon I got out in the back yard and did a lot of yard work. I managed to get my two sons to help quite a bit.  We cut grass, raked and bagged leaves and cleaned up toys.   It was a sunny day and after a while the  grass began to look considerably greener.

In the evening I remembered the second half of the movie "Lourdes" was showing.  I started watching it with my wife but she had to leave for work.  It was a deeply moviong story at times adn I realized that there were many parts that I had forgotten.  I thought about how at each level of the story someone had to overcome their worldly skepticism and find belief.  Even Bernadette herself when she gained some religious formation and education.

Thanks be to God.

This Friday morning I had a good start to the day and good prayers.  Then while making breakfast I turned on the TV and saw early coverage of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan.  It was interesting at first and the magnitude and tragedy of the event did not hit me initially.

Throughout the day I watched the coverage on and off.  I had a hard time concentrating on my school work as the reports and video came in.  As the events unfolded the timescale of waring was reported I began to realize just how terrible it was.  The reports focused much on the destruction of cars, boats, and buildings.  There was also a lot of focus on the geological cause of the event.  But as I watched the video I wondered how many of those vehicles and buildings were occupied.  I heard that the coastal areas only had 10 minutes of warning.

My wife worked all day.  In the evening after dinner when she was home she noticed that I was visibly irritable.  I had hit my child exposure overload threshold and was feeling despondent.   When she asked me what was wrong I denied it of course.  At one point she asked me if I would be attending a fundraiser event at the twelve step club for a friend with cancer.  I thought about how I hadn't even planned to go to a meeting.  I snapped at her thinking it absurd that she thought I would have time for that.  I regretted this later for both reasons, treating her concern as trite, and not supporting my friends.

I think it was better for her that I stayed home.  Plus we had a game scheduled early in the morning.  But if I had planned a little better, I could have made the effort without affecting us much.  I need to make the Friday night meeting a recurring event on my schedule.

Thanks be to God.

This Wednesday Morning I thought about going to Ash Wednesday mass at noon or at five before my son's baseball game.  Before and after class I spent productive time in the learning lab doing math work.  As noon approached I was taking a quiz and forgot about mass.  I was disappointed not to make it as I doubted that I would have time in the evening.  I was especially disappointed with myself when I saw people with ashes on their foreheads at the game.

The game was competitive but they fell behind considerably  towards the middle of the game.  The starting pitcher loaded the bases and the coach put in his son.  His son missed the strike zone wildly and was pulled after two batters.  He cried in the dugout and did not want to reenter the game.   I tried to encourage him but looking back I should have done more.  I was too preoccupied with the game.  My son was put in and looked great as he warmed up and threw about 5 strikes in a row.  I thought this was going to be his moment, that he would at least get us out of the inning.  His mechanics looked great and he was close to the strike zone but he walked the first two batters.  The coach pulled him.  The next pitcher did not fair much better at first but settled in and did fairly well the rest of the game but it was not enough.  Our team lost.

We were deeply disappointed and my son told me several times that it was not fun.  He was very agitated with the mistakes and lack of effort by the younger players.  He was also upset at being thrust into a difficult situation and then being pulled too quick.  We had to have a series of talks the rest of the evening in which I had to teach him how to face adversity and disappointment and walk through it with dignity.  I had to guide him to place his sense of enjoyment on his overall productivity not on the outcome of the game.  I also had to deal with my own disappointment and mixed feelings.  I helped him to see that he had a lot of positives to look at, great hitting, base running, and fielding, and that it is a privilege just to get the opportunity to pitch and that more will come.

I had to put myself in the shoes of the coach and see that he was in a very difficult situation influenced by the unfortunate performance of his son due to a probable developmental delay.  Not to mention the pressures of being a coach.

I have a lot to be grateful for and just needed some time for my feelings to pass.  Thanks be to God.