Last night I had a very vivid using dream.  A doctor was giving a series of injections to a group of people I was with and he was allowing us to add cocaine to them. I recall much anticipation to get mine. I recall waking up and thinking about redoubling my efforts.

Today I worried about getting school work done.  My group therapy class drained me emotionally.

It was a beautiful afternoon that I got to spend with my children. My parents came for a surprise visit and brought us a special tamale dinner.

Thanks be to God.

Today was just golden.

I woke up still feeling woozy from being sick.  I caught myself spiraling into anxiety and worry. I made myself stop over valuing the things that I was afraid of not doing right. I turned to prayer and resolved to think of God with me at times throughout my day.

We had baseball games early.  I pitched for my middle son's team and he went 3-3.  My daughter had a tee ball game and got a compliment from her coach afterwards about her running.  She got to play pitcher and made an out. I got to watch her slide into home.  My oldest got invited to play as a substitute on another team and he made all 3 outs in the first inning.  He hit well in both his games including a towering fly to the outfield for a triple.  We all had fun outdoors together and by noon I felt completely healed from my illness.

My wife and I never lost our tempers with each other today. Even when we got sidetracked from and our middle son got separated from his equipment bag.  Even when I let my son and his cousin ride bikes to the school alone and the cousin barked his elbow.

One of the best things about faith is that there are moments all of your dreams come true.  One of the common problems I have is that these moments are so captivating that I forget to think about God while they are happening.  God, I am thinking about you now.  I love you and I thank you for all that you are.

Today I am grateful that I got to meet with the head of our dept in school and get appropriate guidance.  I feel secure in my educational path.

In my group therapy class i found a better outlook on our work.  For this am grateful.

I am grateful for insight into the recent moments of emotional disturbance.

I am grateful that I got to play ball with my kids and their friends in the neighborhood.

I am grateful that i got to help my mom move a tv.

I am grateful that I didn't get the stomach virus that my family has had.

I am grateful for 2 inches of rain.

I am grateful for a walk off grand slam by the Rangers that I got to share with my sons.

Thanks be to God.

This Sunday I flew solo with the kids to mass. Before mass, after breakfast, I thought about staying home when I saw that my wife would not make it.  But, I decided to take a moment and let my body rest and the spirit guide me before making a decision.  I was able to find the forte and willingness to make it. My wife and I made sure that we all looked decent and we made it their early. At mass I found myself stopping to correct the kids.  They didn't misbehave badly so I chose not to disengage my focus from the liturgyu too much.  I even let my youngest go to children's liturgy.  This is a bit worrisome to me as I risk not noticing if they do something egregious.  Our gospel reading was about the king who had a wedding and their attitude.  The priest related this to making it to mass on time, dressing appropriately, being on time and engaged, and staying til the end.

This morning my wife was still sick so she had to miss all the kids baseball games.  I felt bad for her but was grateful that she was getting better.  My parents were a big help managing the kids at the ball field. Before my #2 son's game I found myself questioning if I should be attempting to be the team pitcher given that my attendance is so uncertain. After the game I realized just how fortunate it is for him that I am given his motor-sensory delay. In fact I was grateful for the opportunity to be a needed asset to the team which may in turn increase my son's sense of contribution and esteem.

In the afternoon there was a moment as often happens lately, when I was just warming up to my wife when she observed something I did that caused her to unleash a tirade at me.  In this case it was that I ran some of her laundry through the drier mixed in with a load I found in the washer that she left there when she got sick. She catastrophized this as my having "ruined her entire wardrobe."  For a moment my heart sank and my anger raged. But I caught and resisted these feelings.  These are the things I have control over, not her behavior.  Now I just need to work on willingness to try not to mess with her laundry in the future.

I worried all day about the state of my school work and whether or not I missed any deadlines.

This evening I got to go to a meeting. We talked about "there is a solution."

Late at night I got to finish my school work.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up very worried about a classroom presentations and repeatedly had to set it aside and turn it over.  I resolved to focus on centering my thoughts on God before praying.

In meditation I imagined an empty room in a wooden chapel.  I imagine a woman and an angel in the room.  The woman had her arm extended with her palm open toward the center of the room.  A beam of light shone from a small opening in the ceiling and made a circle on the floor.  The angel was very tall and wearing a greek warrior's clothing and holding a spear.  He was kneeling before the light.  A very bright spot materialized in the beam of light.  It turned into a lamb and then a heart and then a crucifix.  Then the crucifix was empty.  Their in the light stood the Lord with his arms open.  I admitted my sins to him and offered myself to him in repentance.  He held out his hand which contained a ball of light.  It was for me to take and place into my heart.

On the way to school I relived my older daughter's tee ball game with her and remembered how she got the biggest cheer.  Thanks be to God.

At my first class I worried as many people gave their presentations and I realized that I failed to address some key questions.  Then a guy chimed in with his and I realized that he did the same subject as me.  At first I was very distressed.  But then I realized that there were some things he did not report on that I could.  Plus he wrote about the things that I had forgotten.  I went next and it was very well received.  Thanks be to God.

I had a test at my next class.  I got to study with some friends and passed with an 88.  Thanks be to God.

After school I went and picked up my daughter at school.  She informed me that it was her birthday.  I felt bad for having forgotten and not having done anything special for her.  She had a great day at school and they all celebrated with her.  Thanks be to God.

Tonight I got to carry the message of recovery at a treatment center. Then I got to go to a meeting and celebrate my sobriety birthday.  Thanks be to God.

After prayers tonight, I told my oldest son about my vision in the chapel.  He wished me love and a good night.  Thanks be to God.

This morning in class a topic about the difficulty of measuring success as a counselor came up from a guy with years of experience employed as an intern.  I thought about the whole idea of treatment outcome goals and settled on engaging, informing, and experiencing (the recovery process and community) as perhaps the best goals.  Given that recovery occurs on a continuum individual to each person then perhaps it is better than measurement of abstinence.  Not that time of abstinence is not a good measure.  But rather, that it is just one measure and that even 30 days could be noted as some level of success.

Perhaps the best measure would be to survey ex-clients, even years later to assess the affect of their on their outlook on recovery.  I thought of many stories I have been told of counselors and treatment experiences and how these factored into a person finally finding recovery.  Some were inconsequential, others detrimental, and others significant.  I thought of the times I crossed paths paths with people who had experienced a particular recovery that made a difference for them vs. those that were not significant.   Like the old dealer had been in the SMART program and asked me incisive questions that led to my recovery, and the ex crack smoker who had a plan of action when I tried to get him to drink with me.  While one had active sobriety and the other did not, they both had been engaged in recovery to a significant enough extent that they were well informed and saw it as a positive experience.  This was especially inspiring in the case of the guy who was relapsed as I sensed that he looked back at his time in recovery longingly.