This afternoon I thought of morning prayer and meditation as pre-action. That is, the act of preempting problem behaviors and attitudes and pre-meditating good ones. Someone showed me that there are two parts to grounding, pre-action and re-action. When something triggers my volatile feelings, it is vital that I be in a place of fitness. Then that I react appropriately. I can re-direct and rise above my lower drives. I suppose at the end of the day, post-action follows.

I got to engage in some great activities and discussion at "work" today. In fact things went so well, that I had to catch myself from drifting off the ground in too much enthusiasm.

I almost fell into anger tonight when my wife griped at the kids. It takes a lot of effort for me to resist my problematic behavioral schemas and let God handle it. But, the outcome is wonderful. I get to love her and help us achieve our mission.

Thanks be to God.

Today my kids were home for spring break. I had to supervise them all day except for my sons who were with my mom in the morning. When I went to pick them up we drove to the wildlife preserve that I pass on the way to practicum every day.

I got to have a 12 step meeting with a friend today.
I got to have baseball practice with my son today.

Thanks be to God.

The past few weeks I have been dealing with feelings of inadequecy or incompetence. I have felt that I can't keep up with school work, I've had performance anxiety at internship, and I keep mulling over mistakes on the baseball field, either my own coaching, or my son's. 

Each case has demanded perseverance and an attitude shift. I have had to push through situational anxiety and trust my Higher Power. During these times, over and over the concept of focusing on my thought and emotional processing rather than on the circumstances. I have had to  resist future predicting, past reviewing, and mind reading.

In the case of school, my security and ambitions self esteem were threatened. I get afraid that I can't be content if I have to wait to the last minute to do it due to family responsibilities. I think of myself as a slacker for not being on top of it. I have to practice and pray for acceptance and resist stressing myself.

In performance anxiety I have had been afraid to make mistakes in front of everybody. I have been afraid of what they think. I have had to resist this thinking, persevere through the learning process and turn my dependence to what God thinks.

I am now seeing improvement and feeling much more comfortable.

Tonight I can't sleep. It has been a busy day that started out with rushing to the store for flowers for my wife for Valentine's day. She had cards, candy, and a gift set out for each kid. I felt grateful that she provides them with so much love.

Last night I had a using dream. It might have been the second night in a row. It was a bit disturbing because I was placed back in a setting and attitude where recovery was long lost or had never quite gained and I was in a using environment where I was offered constantly. The hard part was that my son was there with me. After a few uses, I made no more effort to hide it from him. Thank God that is not the reality of my life, but it sure was frightening to feel it.

I've been thinking alot about the death of Whitney Houston. I remember the red flags. In interviews she was not at all comfortable admitting her addiction. She did not seem committed at all. She also talked about being able to drink on occasion. I knew she had not yet found recovery.

This morning I talked to two friends in the program. One who is newly sober and one who is committed. We talked about what it takes to make that comittment.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I went to the treatment center where I will be doing my practicum. At the end I was standing in the middle of a very busy control center while the human resources recruiter gave me instructions for follow up. I had to admit to her that I was having a sensory processing delay and anxiety ask her to repeat what she said. I stood in the hallway in front of the doorway to the intake desk talking to a friend who works there. As I was listening to him my attention was drawn to a very haggard looking fellow and a person who looked like his father. They were both dressed like they worked on a farm and one guy had a very ragged looking duffel bag. I realized that this was a checking checking in. I felt drawn to speak to him but my attention turned back to my friend.

After leaving, I kept remembering the look on the face of the guy checking in. I think we connected in our sense of anxiety but his was much more acute. I could feel his pain and anxiety. I could sense his ambivalent drives as his motives pulled him in different directions. I was drawn to greet him and express a sense of hope. I remembered my feelings when I was in his place. I thought about what I might have said to him. I do not ever want to miss an opportunity like that again to say "welcome to your recovery, this is where the best days of your life begin."

Today I heard an old song that gave me a nostalgic feeling and took me back to a time before I had lost the creative potential and integrity of my nature. I was sad for a bit but then wondered if in the past few years I have resumed my personal development. I wondered also if the closeness I have with my very young children during the stages of their early development are helping me to recover what was lost. In particular today while working with my youngest daughter she began questioning me about my life as a child in development. I couldn't remember but described experiences with my mother in my home just as we were having of preparing for the day, doing educational assignments, having some play time, discovering the world outside and enjoying meals together.

This week I have been completely occupied with lengthy preparatory training for my internship. My wife has been working everyday which has kept me at home. I am grateful that our funding has come through and I will continue to have a home.

Around noon I had a fleeting thought about the obedient principle of Christianity (as a reason to be Catholic). This led me to the similarity between abidance and obedience.

In the afternoon I started arguing with my wife when we were having a discussion about setting limits to work scheduling. I realized that we didn't disagree about most of it, I was arguing over the details.

Last night I had a good nights sleep and woke up early this morning. In meditation I thought about what makes an effective person. I thought of how one can delay gratification and place principle over pleasure. I thought of how one derives healthy self-esteem by developing well thought out values, ideals and principles. When I have pursued short sighted and impulsive pleasures, I have become unproductive and ineffective. But when I think first and base my decisions, choices and judgement on principle from sound values then I am able to delay gratification and work toward long term goals that give lasting reward.The working principle therefore may be : VIP/CHP
VIP - Values. Ideals, Principles
CHP - Comforts, Habits, Pleasures

I got up on time to get the kids off to school by myself and let my wife sleep in.