This morning I woke up very worried about a classroom presentations and repeatedly had to set it aside and turn it over.  I resolved to focus on centering my thoughts on God before praying.

In meditation I imagined an empty room in a wooden chapel.  I imagine a woman and an angel in the room.  The woman had her arm extended with her palm open toward the center of the room.  A beam of light shone from a small opening in the ceiling and made a circle on the floor.  The angel was very tall and wearing a greek warrior's clothing and holding a spear.  He was kneeling before the light.  A very bright spot materialized in the beam of light.  It turned into a lamb and then a heart and then a crucifix.  Then the crucifix was empty.  Their in the light stood the Lord with his arms open.  I admitted my sins to him and offered myself to him in repentance.  He held out his hand which contained a ball of light.  It was for me to take and place into my heart.

On the way to school I relived my older daughter's tee ball game with her and remembered how she got the biggest cheer.  Thanks be to God.

At my first class I worried as many people gave their presentations and I realized that I failed to address some key questions.  Then a guy chimed in with his and I realized that he did the same subject as me.  At first I was very distressed.  But then I realized that there were some things he did not report on that I could.  Plus he wrote about the things that I had forgotten.  I went next and it was very well received.  Thanks be to God.

I had a test at my next class.  I got to study with some friends and passed with an 88.  Thanks be to God.

After school I went and picked up my daughter at school.  She informed me that it was her birthday.  I felt bad for having forgotten and not having done anything special for her.  She had a great day at school and they all celebrated with her.  Thanks be to God.

Tonight I got to carry the message of recovery at a treatment center. Then I got to go to a meeting and celebrate my sobriety birthday.  Thanks be to God.

After prayers tonight, I told my oldest son about my vision in the chapel.  He wished me love and a good night.  Thanks be to God.

This morning in class a topic about the difficulty of measuring success as a counselor came up from a guy with years of experience employed as an intern.  I thought about the whole idea of treatment outcome goals and settled on engaging, informing, and experiencing (the recovery process and community) as perhaps the best goals.  Given that recovery occurs on a continuum individual to each person then perhaps it is better than measurement of abstinence.  Not that time of abstinence is not a good measure.  But rather, that it is just one measure and that even 30 days could be noted as some level of success.

Perhaps the best measure would be to survey ex-clients, even years later to assess the affect of their on their outlook on recovery.  I thought of many stories I have been told of counselors and treatment experiences and how these factored into a person finally finding recovery.  Some were inconsequential, others detrimental, and others significant.  I thought of the times I crossed paths paths with people who had experienced a particular recovery that made a difference for them vs. those that were not significant.   Like the old dealer had been in the SMART program and asked me incisive questions that led to my recovery, and the ex crack smoker who had a plan of action when I tried to get him to drink with me.  While one had active sobriety and the other did not, they both had been engaged in recovery to a significant enough extent that they were well informed and saw it as a positive experience.  This was especially inspiring in the case of the guy who was relapsed as I sensed that he looked back at his time in recovery longingly.

This morning after mass my wife got angry with me and stated that I do not treat her with the respect that I treat others.  That I am constantly cutting her off and am tyrannical about deciding when she and the kids can speak. She also said that I look at what she does but not at myself.  I had to discern how much of this was her resentful bias and how much this is true.  I thought about how I have taken active and evident measures to examine myself for years.  I thought about how I do know that sometimes I am impatient and disrespectful and either realize it right away or discover it through the process of self-examination.  But, some of the instances when it happens seem unavoidable.  Sometimes it is in response to her not practicing patient communication herself.  Sometimes when she communicates she is doing so rashly and rapidly making assumptions and inferences and taking action that affects me or others without careful consideration. Sometimes I just need her to slow down, and stop and think before acting.  But I lose patience or must act due to the circumstances.  I wish she could understand the difference.

I thought about our sermon today in which the priest talked about the monkey trap story.  Where the monkey sticks his hand in the hole cut in the coconut and cannot let go of the treats.  The monkey cannot let go and his hand stays trapped and allows the hunter to capture or kill him.

This is our trap.

Today I had to resist reacting to my wife when she griped at me.
Today I had to change directions when my son did not have his lunch at school.
Today I had to resist my tendency to exaggerate and worry about what other people might be thinking of me.

I am grateful that I got to water a garden in the cool morning air.
I am grateful that I got to observe occupational therapy today.
I am grateful that I got to build a squirrel's nest with my daughter.
I am grateful that I got to go to a meeting tonight.


This morning I had a few important thoughts that I need to save,

In order to set life vocation goals my son should list his ambitions and then think of a pyramid of related occupations or skills to offer a model with a broad scope of possibilities.  For example:
Fighter Pilot
remote pilot, co-pilot
flight crew, plane designer,
any military aviation related job, non-military aviation related job, etc, etc

When people seek help with addiction they need a model, a process, and a plan.  They need vision and motivation.  Addiction is a problem of the will, the addict has lost the power of the will.  The motivational force has been abducted and is employed by the obsession to receive the un-natural form of hyper-stimulation.

A trigger is a stimulus and a response.   A natural stimulation and arousal of the senses is an unconditioned response, it is an autonomic process.  A non-natural stimulus that has been paired (trained) with a natural stimulus so that the response is elicited by the non-natural stimulus is a conditioned response.  An example of a natural stimulus is the smell of food.  A non natural stimulus is the word "steak."  b


Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I had to get the kids up and off to a family reunion out of town.  I had to resist the tendency to get stressed out about making it on time and well prepared.  My wife was worn out from work last night and had another job today so she did not make it with us.  It was difficult at times and I felt bad about losing track of my kids at times and griping at them in public.  When we got there I felt anxious because my parents weren't there yet.

The park where the event was held was very nice and the kids had a great time.  I did get stressed when my oldest son had an indigestion crisis.  We had to leave suddenly without adequate goodbyes.  I feel bad that I don't do these people justice and that we don't help them with the event.  Perhaps this is something I can plan for as they get older.

I am grateful that we did not run out of gas on the way home.  I forgot that we were kinda low and when I looked down my gauge was below empty. We were on the toll rode nowhere near a gas station and it was 99 degrees outside.  Thankfully we made it.

I wish that I could keep up these reviews.  I really love this part of my program.  I have so much to write about every day.  I guess I must accept that God has me too busy with family, school work, and friends right now.

Thanks be to God.