Last week I attended a class in which the instructor asked if we as care workers had self-care plans. I did not raise my hand out of insecurity to be asked to describe it. I took this as a sign that I need to get back on track with some of these practices. She then asked us to name one practice in which we would engage this week. I rose my hand and offered to re-engage in journal writing. This is that action.

At the end of the class the instructor commented to me personally that this was a good step. I simply replied "yes, thank you." Afterward, I thought of so much I could have said. This moment was just one of many such instances, including during the class, in which I felt a step slow in conversations in which I had much to say which would have been useful and relationship building. I thought about how this will come just as in baseball. In time I will be able to bring to mind more quickly what I need to say and do through mastery and anticipatory thinking. I am currently out of practice of social engagement. This will return in time.

I also realized that I needed to re-engage my meditative practices as well. Perhaps this was another reason that I didn't answer, because I felt that my practices were too simplistic. But today I saw a program about mindfulness meditation which reminded me that they are not. So tonight I reread a little of "Teach Yourself to Meditate" and received a great sense of reinforcement that my practices are adequate.

A lot has happened in the last few weeks and days and I have felt great highs and lows. This weekend I felt really down after receiving a call from my wife in which she cussed at me and hung up. This sent me into a deep depression. I analyzed my feelings and realized that the source of fear was a sense of ineptitude. While I was able to turn over my wife's behavior to God, and pray for my fear to be removed, it was not until this afternoon, 48 hours and some unexpected weekend accomplishments later, that my depression lifted. I also realized that I was sick this weekend. I waited too long to take a decongestant, but when I did, my lethargy also lifted.

Today I found myself contemplating the role of the 12 steps in relation to the wider scope recovery from substance use disorders. I thought about the main premise of the 12 step model that "selfishness, self-centeredness ...is the root of our troubles." It seems to be a given in the treatment field that one must sober up before one can make mental health progress. Certainly, every person with a substance use disorder has a problem of the primary order with self-centered thinking. Perhaps then, while the substance user, abuser, or addict may have other primary level causes, they must be rid of this selfishness before they can make effect gains in other maladaptive disorders.This usually requires some external intervention first, then a self-examination and behavioral change process and some social reinforcement. Therefore, this is why the 12 step program is indispensable.

This afternoon I thought of morning prayer and meditation as pre-action. That is, the act of preempting problem behaviors and attitudes and pre-meditating good ones. Someone showed me that there are two parts to grounding, pre-action and re-action. When something triggers my volatile feelings, it is vital that I be in a place of fitness. Then that I react appropriately. I can re-direct and rise above my lower drives. I suppose at the end of the day, post-action follows.

I got to engage in some great activities and discussion at "work" today. In fact things went so well, that I had to catch myself from drifting off the ground in too much enthusiasm.

I almost fell into anger tonight when my wife griped at the kids. It takes a lot of effort for me to resist my problematic behavioral schemas and let God handle it. But, the outcome is wonderful. I get to love her and help us achieve our mission.

Thanks be to God.

Today my kids were home for spring break. I had to supervise them all day except for my sons who were with my mom in the morning. When I went to pick them up we drove to the wildlife preserve that I pass on the way to practicum every day.

I got to have a 12 step meeting with a friend today.
I got to have baseball practice with my son today.

Thanks be to God.

The past few weeks I have been dealing with feelings of inadequecy or incompetence. I have felt that I can't keep up with school work, I've had performance anxiety at internship, and I keep mulling over mistakes on the baseball field, either my own coaching, or my son's. 

Each case has demanded perseverance and an attitude shift. I have had to push through situational anxiety and trust my Higher Power. During these times, over and over the concept of focusing on my thought and emotional processing rather than on the circumstances. I have had to  resist future predicting, past reviewing, and mind reading.

In the case of school, my security and ambitions self esteem were threatened. I get afraid that I can't be content if I have to wait to the last minute to do it due to family responsibilities. I think of myself as a slacker for not being on top of it. I have to practice and pray for acceptance and resist stressing myself.

In performance anxiety I have had been afraid to make mistakes in front of everybody. I have been afraid of what they think. I have had to resist this thinking, persevere through the learning process and turn my dependence to what God thinks.

I am now seeing improvement and feeling much more comfortable.

Tonight I can't sleep. It has been a busy day that started out with rushing to the store for flowers for my wife for Valentine's day. She had cards, candy, and a gift set out for each kid. I felt grateful that she provides them with so much love.

Last night I had a using dream. It might have been the second night in a row. It was a bit disturbing because I was placed back in a setting and attitude where recovery was long lost or had never quite gained and I was in a using environment where I was offered constantly. The hard part was that my son was there with me. After a few uses, I made no more effort to hide it from him. Thank God that is not the reality of my life, but it sure was frightening to feel it.

I've been thinking alot about the death of Whitney Houston. I remember the red flags. In interviews she was not at all comfortable admitting her addiction. She did not seem committed at all. She also talked about being able to drink on occasion. I knew she had not yet found recovery.

This morning I talked to two friends in the program. One who is newly sober and one who is committed. We talked about what it takes to make that comittment.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I went to the treatment center where I will be doing my practicum. At the end I was standing in the middle of a very busy control center while the human resources recruiter gave me instructions for follow up. I had to admit to her that I was having a sensory processing delay and anxiety ask her to repeat what she said. I stood in the hallway in front of the doorway to the intake desk talking to a friend who works there. As I was listening to him my attention was drawn to a very haggard looking fellow and a person who looked like his father. They were both dressed like they worked on a farm and one guy had a very ragged looking duffel bag. I realized that this was a checking checking in. I felt drawn to speak to him but my attention turned back to my friend.

After leaving, I kept remembering the look on the face of the guy checking in. I think we connected in our sense of anxiety but his was much more acute. I could feel his pain and anxiety. I could sense his ambivalent drives as his motives pulled him in different directions. I was drawn to greet him and express a sense of hope. I remembered my feelings when I was in his place. I thought about what I might have said to him. I do not ever want to miss an opportunity like that again to say "welcome to your recovery, this is where the best days of your life begin."