This morning I got off to another late start but I put my best spin on it that we need to sleep in to stay up late tonight for New Years Eve. I planned to carry a vision of God's will into all my affairs when I prayed.

Meditation led me to think about our parenting plan. A approach to talk to my wife came to mind.

In the evening I took the kids to the annual New Years Eve party at my former sponsor's home. They had a great time but I had to leave early to bring a couple of them home. I wish that I had exercised a little more social grace and given some goodbyes and gratitude to friends and especially the host.

I reflected on the past year. I am grateful for another year sober and living the spiritual life and all the blessings I get to receive.

Thanks be to God.

This Friday I got off to a decent albeit late start. My prayers were the abbreviated version but I made my daily spiritual connection, made the commitment to do God's will, and planned my conduct.

After breakfast I heard my wife playing with the kids in bed. After a bit I heard them getting out of hand and her griping at them. This quickly descended into yelling. I intervened by critically griping at her briefly. I allowed her the last comment as I realized that I was treating her the same way as I was criticizing her for. Nevertheless, some correction was needed and I thought about what I should have said.

I should have just calmly reminded her to follow our parenting plan. But it occurred to me that we don't really have an agreed upon parenting plan. I thought about how to approach her about this. I expect resistance and wondered what I could do to foster cooperation.

I spent most of the morning raking leaves. As I prepared to do the job it occurred to me that I should get my son involved in the job. I expected resistance. I wondered how I could foster cooperation. I thought about allowing for a transition. I informed him about the project but didn't dump it on him and expect him to stop what he was doing. I also planned the job in small increments, with a reasonable scope of completion. When my son joined me I utilized some flexibility to alter my plan and have us work together instead of on separate sections. We spent all morning talking and bonding in our work.

I spent the rest of the afternoon acquiring more bargain sports training equipment from a sale and then playing outside with the kids. They wore me out but it was a great deal of fun.

I thought quite a bit today about the reason most people need God to get sober and for that matter everyone  needs him to live life. I know that I need God to set the limits of the moral rationale that leads to my behavior and to my state of mind. But I have found the expression of this idea in simple words to be ineffable. Perhaps the best expression is that I need God to be the supreme arbiter of my conduct.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting. It was speaker night at my 12 step group. Our guest was a friend who works at a treatment center. He told his story in the format of his experience with each step. When he got to the part about step 10-11 he mentioned that we should do this every day. He mentioned recent relapses after long term sobriety. He talked about logging meeting attendance and service work in our evening reviews. I thought about whether or not I have been taking effective inventory as I have not been writing lately. I have been praying and taking verbal inventory with my sons every night and have not seen an accumulation of resentment, fear, or dishonesty. I have been meditating on my conduct at various times throughout each day. I believe that my personal inventory has been effective but I still have the resolve to write and believe that it is the most effective method.

Thus I do this journal.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I had a good start to the day with enough time for prayer and a decent attitude. We rose at a reasonable hour and I chose reasonable expectations given the long Christmas weekend.

Most of the day was spent cleaning and getting back to normal. The kids all enjoyed their new toys. I tried to set appropriate limits but remain a little more flexible than usual about outside physical activities and such.

In the afternoon some neighborhood kids came around and I tried to have a kind and tolerant attitude despite a point of disagreement with my wife. Later, my youngest son and I had some quality practice time. I used the strategy that I planned after the last difficult time. That is, I let him know well before hand, tied the session to reward, took small steps, and exercised patience. He really came through with a great effort.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting. I heard something out of the Big Book that I never heard before, "Our behavior will convince them more than our words."

Afterward I gave an old mentor a ride home. We had a good talk.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up in a pretty good state of mind. I was able to get through my prayers and meditation effectively. I thought about getting back to doing consistent and thorough inventory.

Over the past week or so, I have had several dreams of using and existential themes. I thought of how life has deprived me of time and energy to conduct my spiritual practices. I must exert myself to get back to them.

As I completed my prayers I had a lot of enthusiasm, ideas, and a plan to get to this after breakfast. It's 1:30 now and the kids are whining for this and that. One thing after another has interrupted me from doing the inventory that I planned. I have no idea what I was thinking about this morning.

This morning I got to go to a meeting. The topic was a good one, its easy to rest on out laurels. I had a lot to say about it. In fact I had too much to say. While talking I digressed into a tangent that I regretted. No one seemed to care but I was disappointed. When I came home I made it a point to write my thoughts concisely on my 12 step blog.

People had a lot of good things to say that I needed to hear.

I was grateful for a couple of resource blessings today.
I was grateful for the initiative to attend my son's choir event tonight and take his brother and sisters.
I was grateful rain today.

Thanks be to God.

This Wednesday morning I started researching some information about the science of behavior. I found a great website that had an educational tutorial. I is really well done and informative. I was a very good review and I felt like I relearned some stuff that I already knew better. But, then it went south. I began to encounter what appears to be a political agenda and a bias. The main principle that I disagreed with was the idea that behavior does not originate in people. That behavior is initiated in the environment. That their is no point in trying to change a person's mind. That there is no "miracle mind" just a locus of variables, hereditary traits, history of conditioning, and current environment.

I felt that this view fails to consider the nature of memory. That the psyche is the history of conditioning, history of experiences, and a complex accumulation of logic.

It's been two full months since I last did a written evening review. I have not stopped taking my inventory. I just have not been able to write it. Fortunately I have not seen a drop in effectiveness.

Every night when I put my sons to bed, we pray and review our days. When I retire myself I think back a little more carefully. Sometimes I review in the morning just as with my writing.

It's not that I don't want to write my review anymore, it's just that I have to write so much for school and I am always behind so anytime I touch the keyboard during the semester, I have to be doing that. Thank God that the semester is over. Perhaps I can resume my practice.

I have also noted that personal examination comes a lot more natural now. I am not so sure that I must write to be thorough as I did in the first half dozen years of sobriety.

I am grateful that my mom offered financial help to get through this month.
I am grateful that I got to talk to a friend in sobriety today.
I am grateful that I got to get a lot of errands done and items posted for sale.
I am grateful a sponsee called me yesterday.

Thanks be to God.