This morning I got off to a good start with an early rise and prayer.

After the kids got off to school I made 2 job applications and did some research on the workforce website. My daughter #1 has not started school yet so I couldn't do much more as I had to babysit her. But I am beginning to gear up for a more intensive job search as all the kids will be at school next week.

I spent some quality time with my daughter in the shade under the trees in the front yard this morning. It was a relatively cool morning for August in Texas and I was grateful for the day. We put together some stepping stones.

I saw some debate in the media about the catholic mass for Ted Kennedy and criticism on several issues. It got me thinking about some recent objections I have heard about Christianity (or Catholicism) that are all more about what Christians (or Catholics) do rather than what Christian principles are about.

I conceived a simple thought about this. Christianity should be evaluated on what Christians are supposed to do, not what they do do, because what they do do is often do-do.

I thought about the forth step today and about the difficulty of narrowing down the parts of self that are described in the Big Book. It occurred to me that perhaps the important thing is the concept of the "root cause" or "part of self" or "basic instinct" and these might be slightly different than those listed. For example, I have a description of ambitions as "plans and designs" or desires. Maybe these terms could be used. Also it is a little confusing that paragraphs on forgiveness and our mistakes are listed before fear. But fear has apparently already been addressed in the first part of the inventory.

Basic instinct
innate behaviors
motivational forces
fixed action patterns

fight
flight
mate (sex relations)
nest (security)
desire (ambition)
horde (pocket book)
pack (personal relations)
self esteem (pride, arrogance)

Basic instinct in it's proper volume leads us to respond to true needs.
When basic instinct is not constrained then it can drive us into distortion and then complete denial and delusion of the truth.

Tonight I got to go to a meeting and afterward I got to speak to some folks about the job market. I found out some information that settled my insecurity through the end of the year. I can now focus on going to school.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I was a little disappointed that we didn't wake up very early by our weekday standard but we woke up well early enough to get some cleaning done and make it to mass on time.

Our priest gave a very good homily to go along with our scripture readings. I remembered that when Fr. Barry had given his 3rd homily or so I knew we had a great pastor and I didn't think it could get any better. Now about every 3rd homily I think it can't get any better and it does.

He spoke about confusing the means with the ends in regard to worship of the law or the rites above a true, personal, and active relationship with God. I thought this was synchronous with the parable of the pharisee and the tax collector that I saw yesterday on the kid's religious program.

Later I went to the treatment center meeting for my week in the rotation. It was an interesting meeting because the topic presenter read a different meaning into the paragraph that was used than the paragraph actually means. The he cited an example with which I couldn't concur as enthusiastically as he was. Namely that we must change people, places, and things and that you can't work as a bartender if you are an alcoholic. I mostly stuck to the message that my recovery is based on my relationship with God more than anything else. There was this awkward moment when I was pressed to answer whether or not I would sponsor someone that worked as a bartender I answered yes in stark contradiction to the presenter.

I was grateful that I saw a friend there. I was also grateful that I saw my sponsor on the way out and that we were able to spend a good deal of time talking.

Thanks be to God.

This morning after breakfast I fell into a deep sleep. During this sleep I had intense spiritual dreams. I don't recall the details of the dreams but I felt as if dramatic events played out. I remember sobbing terribly at one point with deep grief and then ending with immense gratitude.

When I woke up I felt remorseful at falling asleep and I felt unproductive and aimless. My wife helped me sort out some tasks and I set into motion and got some things done. I was grateful for her understanding and kindness.

I heard her take a twelve step call and we talked afterward about the gratitude we get from helping others. In the afternoon my oldest son asked me why I read the Grapevine magazine and we had a long talk about alcoholism, spiritual recovery, and how the stories give me inspiration.

I got to talk to a guy in recovery for a long time about some issues. I got to run errands with my youngest daughter and do some bonding. She really talked my ear off and amazed me with her new words.

We were blessed with some cloud cover and a cool down to the mid nineties and I got to take my son and his friend to the park for some baseball practice.

In the evening I got to answer a call from the meetings update line and talk to a new guy who wants to get sober.

Thanks be to God for this glorious day.

This morning I had a very hard time waking up and I actually felt like I had a hang over. I resolved to get to bed on time above all else.

I'm going to sleep now.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I had to step away from an argument. It passed by the end of the day.

I had some feelings of lack of direction and non-productivity but I looked at what was closest at hand and shifted my ideas of direction and productiveness and found initiative to be productive in the mundane.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting and carry the message. I ran into an old friend and we talked afterward about the spiritual life. We talked too long and now I need to go to bed.

Thanks be to God

This morning I took my youngest daughter to the doctor for a well check visit. I was grateful that I get to help with these responsibilities. I was also grateful that the doctor was knowledgeable, had a great demeanor, and was understanding about our choice not to vaccinate.

I got to have a great conversation with a friend in recovery today. I also heard from someone that I was worried about.

I kept up with the housework today and resisted putting things off.

I was grateful that my son played hard with his friends and that he told me he has learned to slide. He watched little league world series games with me.

We got a good rain shower here for the second night in a row.

Thanks be to God.

Today was the first day of school for my kids and my wife. We all woke up early and made it on time and with no stress at all. This is an amazing first for us all. Thanks be to God for the way that our habits have changed.

I felt productive today and kept up the house and did a couple of pending tasks. I even received and inspiration that helped me discover some existing resources rather than spend some money.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting. We spoke about a great topic and I was able to process some inventory through our collective insight and talking to a friend.

Today I reflected on the first scripture reading in the mass yesterday about "who do you serve?".

Thanks be to God.

Today's 2nd reading in mass was Eph 5:21, Brothers and sisters: Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord.... Husbands, love your wives...

I thought this was interesting given a desire that cropped up last night due to a temptation I had with some explicit material I was exposed to online last night. In trying to discern the meaning of the text I looked into the meaning of "flesh" in the bible. I think here it may mean desires.

Today I called my sponsor and left a message. I got to talk to a sponsee today.

I thought about how willingness is proportionate to surrender. Surrender comes in part from either suffering or will power. In either case it also comes from grace. It is a gift.

We had a nice little dinner for my daughter's birthday.

Tonight my wife got angry at me and the kids for a short diversion on the way to bed. I chose not to participate and to love her when it passed.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I watched the Extraordinary form of the mass for the Memorial of the Queenship of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

After breakfast I went to the 8:3O meeting at the Western Trails AA club. I counted about 180 people there. I walked in late because I got the time wrong so I didn't catch the topic. However, I can usually catch the topic based on what people share. But in this meeting I could not. One person shared about feeling very desolate in some difficulties and about her fears and not knowing what to do. I remembered on the way that I heard a person on a radio program saying that we should invite God in to our desolation. I got to see some friends and talk to some folks in recovery.

Today I thought about how I felt like part of a reform cause in AA when I started. I thought about how this was a distraction from me making a vigorous enough commitment to the spiritual life on a personal level. Because I drew so much motivation from a group cause, my initiative to do the personal spiritual work was diluted.

I got to register my son for baseball today.
The kids all got haircuts.
I got to take the boys to a birthday party.
We got to watch little league baseball on TV.
I got to take a nap.
I got to cook some bbq.

I had a personal distraction this evening that I had to invite God into.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I was pleased to wake up on time and have time to pray and meditate before everyone woke up.

I was glad that I thought about not griping at the kids impulsively but I still did it a little. I was home with the kids all day and felt very isolated. I was disappointed that I never made some calls and call backs that I had planned in the morning. I didn't speak to anyone in the 12 step fellowship today. I should have made a better effort at this.

I thought about meditation today as daily planning, spiritual planning that is. I thought about how life shouldn't be undisciplined and that morning meditation is time to re-center and plan to live spiritually and plan to keep the days activities in order.

I was getting my thoughts in order as I put the kids to bed and I was trying to get my computer to work when my wife came in and started talking to me. I was kind of short with her as I moved to the bedroom for focus. she didn't really understand.

I wish I could remember all that I was thinking about today but once again the clamor of life has distracted me.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I woke up on time and was busy until late afternoon. I got to talk to my 12 step sponsor at noon. I got to talk to two newly sober guys this evening. I got to throw baseballs with my son. I got to take my son to his therapy. I got to hug my girls. I got to look up Sunday scripture study resources.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up early and got off to a good start. It was totally unexpected and unlikely as I didn't get to sleep until late last night and I had written off today as the day I would get back on schedule. Now that I think about it I caught this negative attitude last night and prayed for God got me back on track. Wow, I truly believe that He did it.

I realized tonight that the past few days I have had financial fears that I had to pray about and have processed. I just want to get it down in writing that I have had them. My wife and I had a great talk about it on our trip and I feel some security in our game plan.

I got had two guys that asked me to do step work with them today. One guy is on the fourth step so I needed to print the form pages for him. As I was doing this I got caught up in revising some general sponsorship information. I realized that I was sidetracked but my ears were ringing powerfully so I stuck with it. Without realizing it beforehand this ended up being exactly what I needed to be cognizant of in speaking to the other guy. I felt like this was divine guidance.

When I worked with the other guy I realized that I should have read the pages in the Big Book as a review prior to doing the work. It wasn't a big issue just a matter of greater effectiveness. We had a great session and even sat and talked with a guy who showed up for a meeting.

I was home all day with the kids and at times felt isolated but God took care of that in the evening.

My friend fixed my truck today. I am deeply grateful and I gotta show him somehow.

Thanks be to God.

Tonight I am grateful to be back home after our 2 day vacation. I am grateful for the good times that God gave us and for his protection on the trip. We got along stress free except for one incident but we didn't have the usual difficulties with the kids. The one incident was mainly just an issue of circumstance and my lack of perseverence. But it passed and we got over it.

I was able to go to a meeting tonight and the topic was fear and trusting and relying upon infinite God rather than finite self. I thought about several aspects of this and almost wasn't able to narrow it down enough to share about it without going in too many directions. Even with culling it down I still left out something important. Nevertheless, I am grateful for this spiritual experience.

Tonight I thought about the bible study at my church that has been discontinued. I thought about how I would like to revive that sometime. I thought about the format for a scripture study that I would like to see:
- centered around the scriptures from the mass
- supplemented with the writings of spiritual leaders of the church
- related to the daily lives of the participants
- studied throughout the week
- life giving to the liturgical season

As I think over all that was said, the depth of inspiration and insight being shared astounds me. More is being revealed.

Thanks be to God

Today I had the impulse to get stressed and irritable about our trip to the beach tomorrow. I did my best to resist and be enthusiastic.

There were alot of kids hanging out at our house today. I caught myself speaking harshly to them and to my kids when I would get overwhelmed. I resolve to do treat them with a more charitable attitude when I must be assertive.

It was a busy day today but my mind wants to feel unproductive.

I got to speak to a team dad today about the upcoming baseball season. It brought up a dilemma for me in the upcoming season.

I got to speak to two sponsees today.
A friend in the fellowship stepped up to chair the meeting for me tomorrow.

Thanks be to God.

At noon today I got to go to a meeting. I couldn't share in the meeting because my thoughts were too convoluted to be concise. I already had a concept running in my mind and the topic was synchronous (albeit different). I wrote about this in my sobriety blog.

Tonight I got irritable with the kids, it was the usual discontent with my responsibilities. I prayed and caught myself and resisted a few times. There was one particular moment in the evening when they were all sitting around eating that I looked at them all with great appreciation.

Thanks be to God.

As this day came to a close I got too gripey with the kids. I am too worried about getting back on schedule tomorrow morning. I woke up close to 8 am this morning and the kids didn't get up until close to 9.

I want to wake up early. I suppose that means that my irritability comes from the fact that I want this too much. I will accept that God's will be done and not worry about it.

I took my son to therapy today. My mom watched the kids.

I got to clean out my truck.
I got to talk to a sponsee.
I got to play kickball with the kids again.
I found a decent job to apply for this morning.
My wife had 2 jobs today.

Thanks be to God.

Yesterday a friend asked a question about the idea of forgiveness; Why does my God need to forgive me if he doesn't condemn me?

My first answer was: Because I have a sin nature that results in me doing things that offend others and Him.

As I was pondering this some more one of my sons hit the other one and I got mad. But then I had to forgive him. This was a good example of how God's forgiveness works in my life. My older son offended my younger one and I was offended. But I had to forgive as a matter of obedience to God. God sets the ultimate example for me in his forgiveness and this gives me power that the principle of forgiveness doesn't alone give me.

In further discussion I offered the analogy of my sons rather than just answer with the facts. I did this deliberately as a matter of technique. I recently read the gospel account in which Jesus explained why he used parables. So if parables are how the master carried His message so shall I.

Why forgiveness?
Because He loves his children as a father and when we do things that harm myself or others then it offends him.
It occurred to me that he doesn't say that we offend him but rather this is a human admission that we offend him.

I was grateful that my wife was home all day.
I was grateful that my son went out and practiced throwing on his own in the morning.
I was feeling unproductive during the day.
I spoke to a person in San Marcos who was looking for CA meetings.
I got a check in call from a sponsee.
We had a good break in the weather that lifted my spirits in the afternoon.
My son and I went on a drive scouting out places to ride our bikes.
I joined in a kickball game with the kids in the evening which helped them play fairly.

Thanks be to God for forgiveness this day.

Last night we took the kids out to the Devil's Backbone to look at stars. We had a great time but got back so late that I didn't do an evening review.

Last night I had two bad dreams. In one dream there were several young women and in the other I was drinking. When I woke up I had a resentment stewing with my wife so I realized that I needed to pray effectively. After prayer I felt that I needed some contemplative meditation. During my meditation in the place where I usually focus on the light their was a dark figure that materialized. The figure looked angelic but batlike with it's arms outstretched.

I prayed and prayed until the dark figure disappeared and God the figure of light replaced it. After this I went and prayed with my kids. When my wife brought up the thing I woke up resentful about I resisted getting angry and I strove to be loving and tolerant.

In looking back at this I see the following occurrences:
I didn't do inventory last night.
We went to a haunted place.
Yesterday i got to help a guy take his third step.
I had a resentment brewing that may have been the result or (or symbolized by) the dark presence.

Today I read about Josh Hamilton's relapse.

Tonight I got to go to a meeting. I almost didn't go. I almost went to the "popular" meeting. I went to my home group out of a sense of service. The meeting topic was strenuous work with other alcoholics.

After the meeting I was talking to some guys and we started talking about spiritual attacks. I shared about my dream. One of my peers mentioned that I should look at whether there was some inventory to be done or spiritual work missing.

Later a sponsee called and shared a spiritual attack that he had.

I am grateful for my sobriety today.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I was late waking up and I worried about making it to church on time. Then I remembered that our van's air conditioner is fixed and we could all go to 11:00 mass together. We were able to relax and "take it easy" and we got there with plenty of time to get seated and settled in.

The kids misbehaved some but mot too bad. This day my wife and I were able to apply discipline consistently without too much griping.

We took all the kids on a shopping trip intentionally today to teach them to behave in public. I am amazed at how we are able to deal with this now where in the past it would have been unbearable.

This evening we had a freak storm that blew down trees in our neighborhood but nowhere else in Austin. It made for a cool clear night after the sun went down. I took the kids outside and showed them the big dipper and the north star.

I got to go to a meeting tonight and the topic was one day at a time.

Thanks be to God.

phenomenology is primarily concerned with making the structures of consciousness, and the phenomena which appear in acts of consciousness, objects of systematic reflection and analysis. Such reflection was to take place from a highly modified "first person" viewpoint, studying phenomena not as they appear to "my" consciousness, but to any consciousness whatsoever. Husserl believed that phenomenology could thus provide a firm basis for all human knowledge, including scientific knowledge, and could establish philosophy as a "rigorous science".

This morning I read about phenomenology and the problem of empathy.
I got to watch the story of Samuel with the kids.

Today I saw a news article about an epidemic of OCD kids. I think that the source of this problem is the culture of permissiveness in parenting today. In the article it was shown that the treatment was medication and therapy that involves gradual exposure to the subject of the disorder. The person they showed was a normal kid that had excessive perfectionism and a slight aversion developed gradually into a neurosis. Of course the story focused on the physiological processes in the brain. They did the standard story line of showing the brain scans that have isolated the area of the brain.

Today I found myself in deep thought many times. Each time I was interrupted by the kids. At the end of the day I was off schedule with them and got irritable and yelled at them. I apologized but held to my directives to them. I realize that my resentment is based on unrealistic expectations to be able to hold together long trains of thought. Also, I put myself in the position to fall off schedule.

I was at Target this afternoon when I realized I had voicemails. One was from a guy I sponser who I was tentatively planing to meet with. I needed to call him back to cancel as my wife was working. I listened to the message and then rounded the isle and I ran into him. We got to talk a bit, just small talk but nevertheless face time.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got a good start early and got the kids outside.

I got my wife's car into the shop and they surprised us and got it fixed today.

My kids made a new friend today.

I got phone calls from sponsees and a stranger today.

Thanks be to God.

Yesterday was a very active and busy day from beginning to end and I knocked out at the end of the day without doing a written review. I didn't miss any of my spiritual practices, I made good prayers in the morning, I kept a conscious contact throughout the day and I did some service in the evening.

After lunch I made a swimming pool in the back yard for the kids and we had a great time.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting and we read the beginning of More About Alcoholism, I have some thoughts to post on spirituscontraspiritum about the role of pride in denial and surrender. I also thought about how the program helps in social and interpersonal relations through an entirely different angle of focus on the intra-personal.

After the meeting I got to get atarted with a sponsee.

When I got home the girls asked me to read a book to them. The book ended with a picture of a full moon night. I decided to take the girls outside to look at the real full moon. We decided to go for a ride to a country spot to look at the stars and the moon. We had a nice time but it was like herding cats out on the roadside where we stopped. It was late when we got back home.

Thanks be to God.

This morning the boys were at their grandmother's so I got to spend quality time with my daughters. Their was a breeze blowing and it was cool in the shade so I set up a make shift bench in the yard and we had a little picnic.

I did my daily job searching duty today.
I thought about doing some inside home improvement projects.

In the afternoon I got to have a long talk with a friend I haven't seen in a while. I was glad to hear that he is still sober. The talk was a great spiritual lift for me.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up late but I let go of some of things I think I need to have (like breakfast) and I got the boys going and got us to mass. The boys did great and I received an illuminating experience and felt revitalized.

After mass my mother invited us over for breakfast. The boys and I had a great time with my parents and breakfast was wonderful.

In the afternoon I went to the treatment center meeting. The meeting went great, I felt really comfortable making sure that the recent issues we have had about being long winded were corrected. The main for me was that I did not feel afraid at any point. I think that we really carried the message well.

In the evening I watched too much TV but all the programs were inspirational and I cleaned up after them.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up from a dream that I was Barack Obama giving a speech and a mosquito flew up my nose. It was 3:00 am and I never really got back to sleep so I got ot of bed and made breakfast. Then I fell asleep while I was praying and slept on and off most of the morning.

I did help with the kids but I felt somewhat sick still and had a hard time being productive.

In the afternoon we took our kids to an awesome party at the neighbors. We had a really good time connecting with them.

I was a little resentful that I couldn't go to my meeting but my wife really did need me at home.

Thanks be to God.