This morning we had a  successful garage sale.  It was not only successful because we made some much needed extra funds, and not because we cleaned out a lot of clutter, but mainly because my wife and I never got into an argument.  I was worried at times because I had to take breaks and rest while she stayed out there.  But I took care of the boys and my mom had the girls and after the sale was done, I did the cleanup.

I was grateful for some help from my parents today.
I was grateful for the focus and energy to get things done.
I was grateful that I got to go to a meeting tonight.

Thanks be to God.

This Friday morning I had another period where I fell asleep very unexpectedly after feeding and getting the kids off to camp.  Fortunately it did not last long and my wife had given me a honey-do list which helped me get out and about.  This was especially good because I felt foggy and aimless until them.

I spent some time contemplating Hume's Enquiry of human understanding and his skeptical solution.  I have found studying this material to be deeply disturbing because it has caused me to examine the foundation of my beliefs too closely.  This gives me a grave sense of uncertainty even though I trust that in the end they will be stronger for it.  I have had to give extra consideration in my morning prayers for protection from cynical and self-centered skepticism and doubt.  One early unexpected benefit has been a better understanding of the need to pray for power to resist his error.  Thankfully in the summation today I read Hume's own reservations about excessive doubts and the futility of them.  I don't know what my final syllogism will be but I sense a great truth to come.

I had some financial fear over our shortfall this month.  This was another thought on my mind for which I had to give special consideration in prayer today. My wife and I had a productive discussion in which she helped me see that we will recover in a couple of weeks.

My wife was blessed with a little extra work today.  This meant that I had to do some extra running around for the kids and taking my son to therapy. My oldest had a bit of a meltdown in which I almost lost my cool and was temporarily confused about how to handle it.  Thankfully in the midst of dinner prep, attending to the girls, and returning to pick up my other son, I was able to sort out his exact wrongs and address it in an appropriate manner without being too heavy handed or too permissive.  He reluctantly complied and we were able to turn it around and have a good evening.

Once again we as a family watched the news reports about the famine in Somalia.  I believe that my children are really taking this to heart and seeing how blessed they are.  I know I am.

I got to play a new game of baseball target throwing with the boys today.  This helped me coax them into doing their practice drills.ssss

My wife and I worked together on preparation for a garage sale tomorrow.  Afterward she pointed out that we were able to get through it without arguing.  Lately I have begun to think that the our problematic interactions may be getting better.  I have been catching the times when I treat her poorly based on the baggage of the past.  I am also finding a lot more resilience against reacting to behavior that I don't like.  This seems synchronous to the paragraph I read from the twelve and twelve today about how we have to quit living by out selfish demands.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I woke up at way too early so I decided to read the Online Daily Reflections.  When I went to the website I saw that it was no longer being published.

I thought about doing a daily reflection of my own, not for publication but for personal growth and sharing with sponsees.  I also don't mean my personal reflections but the part of selecting from the book.  The problem with this is the copyright issue.  But I guess if it is not an open website then it doesn't apply.

This month is step 7 month so I went to the chapter in the Twelve and Twelve and started at the end of the chapter and worked my way back in three paragraph size chunks back to what would be the reading for the 28th.  I read about humility as an act of the will.  this got me thinking about how we don't always have to be forced into humility by a failure but can grow in self awareness and catch our selves falling into self-centered fear before we act and ask God to restore us to sanity.

It kind of worked out that way for me this day as I fell into a deep crash after this morning's early rise.  I woke up in a sense of despair that I had fallen too far behind in the day to be productive.  But thankfully I was able to turn my attitude around and get a lot done both in homework and house work.

The kids got to go to the zoo at their camp today and had a lot to talk about.  My wife was working in the evening so I had to make dinner for the kids.  During this time I get a little overwhelmed and have to watch myself from barking at them too much.  During our dinner we watched a report on the evening news about the children starving in Somalia and their parents carrying them up to a hundred miles to aid camps.  We were able to discuss this and be grateful for what we have.

Thanks be to God.

Today I studied most of the morning and then took a test.  I also pulled out my fishing boat to clean and prepare it for sale.  I have regret and mixed feelings about selling it but we are in a financial shortage right now and I think that I must let it go.  I experienced uncertainty and fear at times but not too much anxiety.  Each time that I thought about it, I felt like I could ascertain God's will for me in this by either generating the shortfall by the end of the week or accepting the loss for now with trust that when the time is right that we will receive another boat.  I recognize now that what I fear is a permanent loss which is me depending on the limits of my scope of vision.  Not only that but we can't even afford to take fishing or boating trips and the maintenance that goes with them.

I thought some more about the culture of sobriety today.  I thought about the fact that I've always known that group support is important, but in discovering the human characteristic of proficiency, accomplishment, an development, through modeling, I have gained a much livelier sense of value for it.  I found myself contemplating and anticipating sharing this idea in a new perspective.

I was grateful to pass my test.

I was grateful to get to talk to a friend about sobriety.

I was grateful to watch baseball highlights with my sons.

I was grateful to spend time with my daughters riding their bikes.

I was grateful talking to my wife about philosophical ideals.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I fell into chaotic thinking when I woke up.  I realized that my thoughts were moving through various issues in my life, some current, some past, some future, and some relevant and some not.  I caught myself in this and recognized that fear had set in.  I didn't have the time or mental faculties to pray through all the particulars, but I made an effort none the less and got my thinking set aright.  Thanks be to God..

In my studies today I encountered two examples of the idea that experiential modeling is the most lively form of motivational force in behavioral learning.  One in the case of the Japanese Macaques and the other in Hume's Enquiry on Human Understanding.  The concept suddenly became very lively for me and I associated it with the phenomenon of the spiritual experience and the culture of sobriety.

I was grateful to get to go to a meeting tonight.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I woke up very early with a brainstorm of thoughts.  I had to get out of bed and journal them which I've decided to move down below this review so that I can make sure and take my inventory.

We made it to mass on time this morning but not before a feud broke out between my oldest son and my wife.  He then had an outburst of defiance and threatened not to comply with our directives.  This began to escalate and I had an insecure and potentially critical moment when I almost got very angry and didn't know what to do.  I managed to stumble through it and throttle back and let his anger diffuse without over-punishing him and having a fit of rage.  He eventually did comply and only minimally expressed resentment afterward.  On the way to mass, I had to catch myself from getting anxious over the kids.  I seem to have been blessed lately with a new level of resilience there.  I was grateful for the resourcefulness to be able to systematically handle the issue with my son and the minor infractions at mass.  We had a behavior review afterward and the kids accepted there consequences so that we were able to go on and have a good day.

Today my wife and I had good communication with an especially productive discussion about how to handle their exposure to culture that we don't approve and how this affects them.  This after a Justin Bieber party for a six year old.

Today I felt like a person in recovery again and found my interest in it renewed.

I was most grateful for a sense of spiritual renewal today from mass.

Thanks be to God!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us...AGH!

Acceptance - Let go of my will and accept God's, "Thy will, not mine, be done."

Gratitude - Think not of how I wish it were better but, how grateful I am that its not worse.

Humility - Admit that I need God to come into my heart and restore me to sanity.

If this does not work, apply step four.

The Twelve Step program is a set of epiphanies and a therapeutic process to  change thinking, behavior, and character.  The first three steps are a set of 9 epiphanies, 3 for each step:

Addiction is a problem rooted in a contradiction of value motives.  Each area of life function has a motive force value, e.g home - 10, relationships - 10, job - 9, car - 8, health - 10 , hobbies - 9.  Chemical use or the illicit behavior (of a compulsion) has a motivational force value also.   If used normally, it is just another 1-10 number less than these and not supersede them i.e. 7.  

Perhaps one could take a snapshot of this much like an x-ray of cancer.  

One could assign a bottom line value for the number of times it takes for the behavior to interfere with life functions and that would equal the value of the life function.  For example if drinking 3 times a month will interfere with relationships then 3 = 10.  Then determine how many times one has drank per month on average for a time leading up to the intervention.  If it were 8 times then the value would be 30 which when compared in a ratio, 30/10 would show that degree of power of the motivational force over that of the life value.

This is why the twelve step program is so effective, because it provides a motivational force power. or "Higher Power" to counter that which is driven by years of learned, compulsive behavioral motivational force power.  Human will power is limited because the force needed to overcome them is difficult to achieve.

This evening I had a re-framing of the powerlessness part of step one.  I have always seen it as physical allergy, mental obsession, and mental blank spot.  But this to me never completely seemed right as mental blank spot seems as though it might actually be under mental obsession.  I also realized that the chronic progression isn't adequately included in that model.  Therefore I think it should be physical allergy, mental obsession, chronic progression.

Tonight I think I should admit that I am thinking about myself most of the time.  I'm not sure why I need to right about this, perhaps because I have not scrutinized it carefully enough.

This morning we had my son's cousin over having spent the night.  They were immediately playing video games.  I wasn't sure that I should stop them but I did anyway, though I couldn't bring to mind why.

At breakfast I was hesitant to pray with them but I brought it up anyway.  I asked my son's if they had said morning prayers, surprisingly they both said yes.  I didn't believe them but I felt that it would be somehow disrespectful to dispute this.  Looking back I realize that I was self conscious about it because their cousin was here and I had been having concerns about the values he expresses with my sons.

The issues I saw were concerning his interests in TV shows and video games.  The video games are too much, that's simple enough.  But, the TV shows required a little more thought.  I realize now that I have been screening these shows in my home as they reinforce attitudes that are crass, irreverent, and disrespectful.

I got to go to a meeting tonight.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I thought of the nature of mental disorder as a conflict of the motives.  Especially when it comes to addictions, obsessions, and compulsions.  I thought that when the value ratio is chaotic that behavior becomes dysfunctional.

In reading Hume today I thought about how the main physical law of this universe is cause and effect.

This morning I thought of addcition as a power struggle, that is, a battle of motives.  In each case motives in the psyche struggle to achieve priority.  Each motive has a desire value that is increased or decreased according to learned knowledge, abstract perception, and sensational experience.  When the ratio is tipped in favor of the motive then it gains power to drive behavior.  This is counter balanced by the inhibition of the opposite or cautious motive.  In the case of addiction, the euphoria motive suddenly gains so much desire value that the ratio collapses completely and drives the behavior blindly.

This morning while trying to study, my mind was preoccupied wtih the idea of solving human problems by addressing the general to the specific.  I was thinking about this because my dad and I were talking about addressing problems with dog behavior yesterday.  We talked about how Cesar Milan describes dog owners as attributing dog behavior problems to individual personality first, breed second, and species third.  This again lead me to a connection in treating human behavior.  We should address problems at the human level first, the cultural(?) level second, and the personal level third.

This morning during prayer, I received three notable insights:

1. I thought of communion with God as my primary action before formative petition
2. I began to "feel" an attitude of love and forgiveness toward my wife
3. I thought of a better way to structure my prayers to make them more practical and less pedantic

At the breakfast table I suddenly felt assaulted when each kid seemed to do something wrong all at once: one kid started flinging water from his hands instead of using a towel, another was picking her chair with a fork, another left the table without finishing, another was speaking and spitting food, another was pushing on my chair to get by. I caught myself frenetically griping at them.  I had to catch it quick.  I settled them and we said a good morning prayer instead of grace.

Its a good thing that

This morning I took the kids to the park early before it got hot.  I took them because I planned to take them when I had a sense of direction earlier this week.  But this morning I felt tired, unmotivated, and not sure if it was necessary or beneficial.  I threw the baseball with them each in an unplanned and unstructured way.  I didn't have a great sense of having accomplished a proper workout but I was glad to have pressed myself through it.

Back at home I was exceptionally tired and took a nap.  I realized that I actually felt kind of ill.  I talked to my son who is getting over his stomach bug and I wondered out loud if I had it.  Then I wondered if this is the long term remnants of a lifetime of drinking and drugging.  If this was one of those "phantom hangovers" that I used to have.

After my nap I got a good amount of housekeeping done.   I also picked up a coaching book that I have during an interlude and I finally committed to memory the necessary basic framework of a good practice session.  I also listened to a little to the inspirational preacher that has been giving me a positive outlook lately.

Last night I had a dream about addictive behavior.  In the dream I was driving home from work in another city.  I was exhausted and seeking to unwind.  I thought about a social night ahead that involved partying and drinking.  I had a vague sense of guilt that I shouldn't but I thought that this was just a troublesome behavior that I should resist.  As I passed the city on the way home, I couldn't imagine going home and then coming back and rationalized that I should just detour to town and a bar.  On my way to a bar I passed an urban townhome complex where I had previously scored drugs and I rationalized that I should look up friends that I had partied with before.  I wandered into the complex aimlessly, not sure why I was there but definitely not going to score drugs, maybe not.  My old  using buddy joined alongside me walking down a long hall talking about his recent encounters with acquaintances as he often did.  At some point he mocked a friend who had given him an emotional account of his conversion to faith.  I separated from the friend and encountered a tall platinum blond woman.  I entered an elevator alone and entered into an internal dilemma in which I wanted to run away alternating with wanting to cop drugs.  The lights went off in the elevator and I frantically tried to find the buttons to get back to the ground floor and get off.  There was a dark figure in the elevator trying to convince me of something.  There door cracked opened but I was still trapped.  A twin of the tall platinum blond woman was outside also trying to convince me to do something.

I was very attention deficient in my prayers when I woke up but I got through them.

This evening I was resentful of my wife for griping excessively at my #1 son for getting on the computer without permission and banning him from it all weekend.  He was sick today so I had given him a little more slack than usual.  My idea of how he should be treated and how his discipline should be handled was threatened.  My idea of how she should communicate was threatened.  I lost my temper.  I was impatient and intolerant with her.  At present all I can think about is that I was defending my son and how I am sick of trying to communicate rationally with an irrational person.  I really need God's help with this one.

This morning my #1 son got sick like #2 did last night.  It was awful for him but I was able to help.  I was grateful that he and his little brother had a comfortable place to recuperate today.  I was grateful that my daughters were able to get to their camps.

I was able to do some reading, studying and a quiz today but by mid afternoon I was feeling ill.  I fell asleep late in the afternoon and had bizarre dreams.  I also felt ill in my sleep.

I got to listen to a recovery speaker recording from a local treatment center today.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I was a little late waking up again but again I got through my prayers.  Today however, I did get the kids started before my wife was out of the shower.  I bickered with her about her griping at the kids and having too short a fuse too early in the morning.  We had a problem with my #2 son who was groggy and refused to eat and wanted to stay home.  I got him there finally and on time.  The kids had a big event today, a field trip to the water park.  I regretted sending #2 as he ended up throwing up.  He did have a good time after that and spoke proudly of getting on the biggest ride.  Just as I sat down to do this journal I heard him whimpering in his bed.  He was contorted in a pool of vomit.  I felt terrible for the kid.

Today I got to talk to a friend in recovery.
Today I got to be lifted up by an inspirational speaker.
Today I got to make an impulse buy.
Today I got to fix a car problem.
Today I got to pass a test.
Today I got to hug my kids.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I woke up groggy and struggled through prayers.  I was late getting up as I resolved to finish them. I was worried about not getting enough of my school work done and had to stop myself from thinking about it several times.  I was also remorseful about getting the kids to bed late last night and about getting into a big gripe with one of the kids and not having cleaned as well as I should.

My wife was resentful that I had still not woken the kids when she got out of the shower.  She ran out of the door and left my youngest daughter who is attending her class and told me to take her.  We walked out the door just as she was pulling out of the driveway.  I got resentful about it.

I fed the kids and took them to school.  We all got along great, I remembered to pray with them, and we made it on time.

I am grateful to have been blessed with studious initiative today and got through both chapters.  I feel ready for tomorrow's test.

At lunch my wife and I got into a discussion about a topic of abnormal behavior.  She ended up calling me a bigot. I was very hurt and offended. For some reason I decided to look up the word.  I was surprised to find that it actually has a broader scope of meaning than I thought.  It actually filled a conceptual need that has been perplexing me.  Something good came out of it.

I had a good evening with the children, we practiced ball, we watched hummingbirds in the back yard, we watched an episode of Nova about cuttlefish and we stayed on schedule, cleaned, and got to bed on time.

I have to resist a critical spirit with my wife.

Thanks be to God.