This morning we had a pool party for my son's baseball team. By the time we came home and had lunch everyone needed a nap. When we woke up it was almost dinner time. I cleaned up the house and we had dinner, this was all we could do today. I thought about just how high maintenance our basic life is right now and I worried about the future.

A friend called me this evening and asked if I were going to an event at my home group. In our conversation my friend also asked me about fishing. I realized just how little people really understand how high maintenance our basic life is right now. Even people who have had kids of their own.

Today my wife and I got angry at each other a couple o times but I immediately had to consider whether my desires and ambitions were more important than her.

Last night I woke up and felt the sickest I have felt all week. I thought for sure that I would not make it to work. Today was the best day physically that I have had.

Today I thought alot about the anger class we had last night.

I was not able to go to the noon meeting but I did get to go to a meeting tonight. There were only a few people there and we just talked and shared. The thing that stuck with me was that a guy shared about the absolute imperative that he do step 11. and the difference it has made in his sobriety this time. He referred specifically to the instructions on page 86.

Tonight I had a real hard time getting to this review. I got angry when my wife kept delaying getting the kids to bed. My wife got angry because of my persistence in getting the kids to bed and finally because I just came and sat to do this when it got late. Then I accidentally restarted my computer and I got angry for that. While I was waiting I was able to get completely centered and have a few good prayers. Then when I got started my wife came in and insisted on talking and joking with me and I got angry about that.

My recovery program is my responsibility. God save me from being angry, Thy will not mine be done. I accept that obstacles to practicing my program will happen even when I am willing to do what I am supposed to do. I surrender my ambitions for my program to go off without a hitch. I pray for the willingness to persevere in geting the job done.

Thanks be to God for acceptance, surrender, and willingness.

Today I struggled with a cold again but I was blessed with just enough vitality to make it to work. I had a decent day at work and I wasn't overwhelmed. At lunch I went for a walk to a park and I practiced telling my story to speak at the treatment center tonight. I was very surprised at how badly I got sidetracked and/or bogged down in details and tangents. I had to start over three times and I never got to the recovery just to through the war story. Nevertheless I enjoyed this as a sort of focused meditation on carrying the message.

Tonight we got to the treatment center and found out the there had been a scheduling mistake and there was a different type of session scheduled. However we got to visit with our friend and we got to sit through a nice little presentation. At first as I heard the instructor give the presentation I felt inadequate in my abilities compared to hers. At the end I was inspired that the talk I can do is well grounded on spiritual principles.

I resolved to practice my talk regularly to be better prepared.

This mornijng I woke up with a cold again. I was just sick enough to have a hard time and consider not going to work but not sick enough to be certain about it. I was grateful to get going and be on time with the help of a little prayer.

At noon I got to go to the meeting. The page read was the last page of "A Vision For You", the "more will be revealed" page. There was a person who shared how they were in great unmanageability and had gotten off the beam and had once had "it". I got to talk about my experience with this reading giving me my answers when I was off track. The person walked out early in what I was saying so they probably didn't hear this but I heard them and more was revealed to me. On my way out the guy I once had a run in with shook my hand.

This afternoon I felt inspiration return even though I was struggling with my cold.

I could have stayed focused at work better in the afternoon.

We had a great little evening at home tonight.

I just realized that it has been 4 days since I did a written review. I have been very busy over the last few days and was sick for 3 of them. I haven't had any unusual emotional outbursts or other outward signs of a spitiual disturbance but last night I had a lengthy using dream.

This morning at a meeting I got to share that I have been sober without making amends and I have been sober with making amends and I was ble to share about the benefits of working the program.

This afternoon we had little league closing day ceremonies. It was a hot afternoon but a rained out gust front blew in an clouded over and cooled things off.

My son just woke up so I must put him to bed.

This morning I got angry at the parents of one of my son's classmates.
They accused my son of sexual assault because their 7 year old son said that my 7 year old son grabbed him in the crotch.
This threatened my pride and personal relations.
I thinking more of my son's (and my) reputation than the hurt and confusion of the other kid and parents.
I am indulging in emotional defensiveness and my character defects of pride, self-righteous indignation, and rationalization.

I resolve and with God's help to focus only on my part, to forgive them and to try and be a peacemaker not a fighter.

Tonight at our meeting we read the keys to the kingdom. The story was one of those classic old alcoholic stories. I had misgivings again before the meeting about how appropriate this was to read at a CA meeting. I observed that the story helped me to defeat my obstinacy, to reinforce my understanding of the disease concept, to appreciate the fellowship and to practice the solution.

Here are the ways in which I achieved identification.

The storyteller said that she was a product of an era, of the roaring 20's. I too felt that I was a product of an era, of the 70's.

The 20's were not so different than the 70's as it was the end of the great binge, when drus were available legally as medicines and in the underground sub-culture of artsy, edgy types in trendy places like San Francisco, New Orleans, Galveston, Seattle, New York, Europe, Hong Kong, etc...

She told of trying many ways to control her drinking.
She talked of the disease concept.
She told of her denial and rationalization.
She told of finding the solution and realizing it was the key to much more than just sobriety.

Morning Thoughts:

Testing Inspiration

Time - Sit with it
Teaching - What do teachers say about it?
Testing - How does it align with principles? 4 absolutes, 10 commandments, etc.

Daily Gratitude

This evening I lost my temper while fixing our water heater again.

I am grateful for hot water.

Morning thoughts:

Removal of Character Defects (sin) 3 part process:
willingness - This is where I do my part, I pray, I try, I resolve.
prayer - This is where I ask God for help, for insight, for clarity, for power.
repetition

I need to draft a list

Growth in Character Restoration (virtue):
willingness
prayer
repetition

Inventory of Blessings
I should create a lifetime gratitude list and maintain it
I should add a daily gratitude list (3 items) to my step 11.

This noon we read the beginning of A Vision for you. I had a new experience with this reading.

This afternoon walking from work to the parking garage I had this feeling of distress as I tried to shift from one train of thought to the next. I could not focus and I felt a need to do so. My thoughts were jumping from the ball game I had started worrying about, to the water heater that was broken, to the table tennis game I just lost, to the women on the street I had passed, to some random AA thoughts to... Then I realized that I had drifted into self-centered thinking and into worldy concerns and anxiety. I resolved to release my will and focus on God. I asked God for help and I asked him to bring me into the moment and to help me release the past and the present. I tried to focus on being with him and to let go of my desires and ambitions.

It worked, I looked around and enjoyed a pleasant, quiet drive.

In the evening we made it to the ballgame with no stress and we had a great time even though it was 100 degrees outside.

Thanks be to God for a good day.

Last night I got to watch the Indiana Jones trilogy with my son and wife. It was great timing for him and a wonderful surprise for me as he is now at just the right age to understand it and be fascinated. It also presented some good opportunities for discussions about spiritual matters.

Today I realized what I needed to see about myself and what bothered me about the coach of the team we played yesterday. It was the excessively competitive nature of his attitude and how he is teaching that to those boys. I realized that it was my reaction to this in trying to compete this way also that caused me to have that problem. I usually try to play it safe with the boys because I am more concerned about them having a good time than winning. I want them to win but I don't want them to have to do it by good batting and fielding not by taking advantage of every mistake of the other team. I don't want them to overvalue the game to the extent that it comes in between them and other people. I let this happen to me. I let the competition become so important that it came between me and me.

Today I watched the atheist program on TV and the host said that the biggest religions have failed because they do not give practical, rational reasons for faith. I agreed with him and this reaffirmed my mission in life. During the discussion there was a caller who brought up the idea that you go back to the origin of things and his proof of God is someone had to create everything. The atheist rightly stated that there is no reason that a God had to create everything although he did say there is a reason for everything.

I think that here is where the reason for faith comes in. It is not because that there is absolute proof of God being the creator, but because the God idea works better for more people. Here is where I make a choice to believe what has spontaneously arisen from all people that there is a God and he created everything. The reason why there can't be absolute poof is because we are speaking about a being that transcend the dimensions and laws of physics of this universe. It is stated that that being can only reveal enough of himself to present s with a choice so that we have the gift of free will. If that being revealed enough of himself to us to have absolute proof then we would just be clones of him. My proofs are in the transformation of persons and peoples thinking that changed them from being destructive to being beneficial to mankind.

Today was the Solemnity of the Holy Trinity. I think this went hand in hand with the program and thoughts I had today about the nature of God. The Father and Sone nature of God show that he is outside of time. The triune nature of the God head show that his nature is outside of the physical laws of this universe. The nature of the holy spirit shows to me the way that he can be conected to s and be a type of spiritual vitalization. The Father and Son present us with family figures that we can relate to.

This morning I wake up late but I thought of my recent decision to quit stressing over getting to Church on time and being dressed just right. I got myself out of bed and resolved to just take the morning as it comes and get the boys going. I skipped breakfast but we made it on time and had a great morning.

My wife got angry at me for not doing something the way she wanted me to do it and decided she had to do it and would not make it to church. I had to let go of it and realize that she was making her own decisions and I do not have to manage them and I need to let her own tehm.

This morning I made a bad play as the first base coach of my son's baseball team at a critical time. I feel like it cost us the game. I have been down on myself all day about it. In looking at this I realize that...

I was/am resentful at myself.

Personal relations - I am afraid of what other people think about me.
Pride - I must think I am so good that I won't ever make critical mistakes.
Self Esteem - I am having an emotional cascade in which I feel excessively dejected.
Ambitions - I was too heavily invested in winning.

I placed too much dependence upon my desires, my scope of perspective.
I turn this over to God and ask him to remove my excessive pride, competitiveness, and need for approval of others.

At the end of the game I had hostile feelings for the other team's coach for his aggressive play. This morning I made a bad play as the first base coach of my son's baseball team at a critical time. I feel like it cost us the game. I have been down on myself all day about it. In looking at this I realize that...

I was/am resentful at myself.

Personal relations - I am afraid of what other people think about me.
Pride - I must think I am so good that I won't ever make critical mistakes.
Self Esteem - I am having an emotional cascade in which I feel excessively dejected.
Ambitions - I was too heavily invested in winning.

I placed too much dependence upon my desires, my scope of perspective.
I turn this over to God and ask him to remove my excessive pride, competitiveness, and need for approval of others.

At the end of the game I had hostile feelings for the other teams coach for his aggressive play. I couldn't place my finger on exactly what he did that I saw as overly aggessive but I did see that his attitude was over the top competitiveness. It was as if the game were his not the kid's. This bothered me the rest of the day.

My wife and I bickered about our plans after the game about going to a party afterward. I reacted to her in a distracted moment. We were both able to recover from this.




My wife and I bickered about our plans after the game about going to a party afterward. I reacted to her in a distracted moment. We were both able to recover from this.

This morning I had to give feedback about a system change at work that I feel is not effective. I was grateful to be able to do this without fear of reprisal today and without having to get to invested in the outcome. I was grateful to be able to accept things as they are even if I don't think they are the right way.

We had a meeting at work that got sidetracked by a discussion that was not on the agenda. Two guys went back and forth arguing there points and then just arguing because they felt misunderstood even though the other person accepted the thing the other wanted at some points they weren't even in disagreement they just kept areguing because each needed the other or others to say what they needed to hear. The dominated every discussion and couldn't stop long enough to let others speak. When others spoke they also were too invested in the need for approval.

I was grateful to be free to live and let live.

On my way to the noon meeting I was profoundly struck by how much my thinking has been changed in that partying and drinking are not a necessity in my life. This sometimes does not seem possible for someone like me. I had what felt like a time shift where I was momentarily taken back in my thought life to the time when the idea that drinking and using were so ingrained in my value systems that I realize just how unlikely it is that someone like myself would stop.

This evening I got to take my kid to batting practice. I had two proud moments, one when my son got hit by a baseball and was crying but shook it off and hit the ball well and two when one of the coaches told me that my working with him showed.

I got to chair the friday night big book study tonight. I got to give a new guy a ride to and from the meeting and to speak to him at length about the spiritual life.

Today was my wife's birthday, we had a nice little dinner.

This afternoon I got to talk to a guy trying to get started in recovery. I was talking to him about how he is doing and he said his moral was good. Later during our conversation I was trying to help him see that the inventory process would help him to depend on spiritual vitalization rather than his circumstances. I tried to explain to him that the moral inventory would reconfigure his values, fears, and dependencies so that the core motives that drive his feelings, decisions and emotions would be restored to sanity. I received an inspiration to tell him to think of the moral inventory in this sense as a moral' inventory. I told him how I thought of the moral inventory as trying to get me to live by someone else morality probably their religion that I didn't agree with but that it turned out to be something more, something than changed me and changed my outlook on life.

It was a wonderful stormy morning. We got two waves of storms overnight and another at mid-morning. I was very busy but stopped for a moment to stare out the window overlooking South Austin. Just then a lightning bolt struck with multiple bursts and a return stroke. The bolt looked like a hand with the thumb hitting the lightning rod of the 360 tower and the fingers hitting in the trees and homes of the Bouldin neighborhood across the lake.

At noon I got to go to a meeting, we read from To Employers about the disease concept and the misconceptions of normal people.

Today I was never very afraid, resentful, dishonest or selfish. I don't owe any apologies and I didn't create any chaos.

Tonight I got to take my son for a haircut and get one too. We saw an old friend of mine there who now has a 2 year old son of his own. I took my son to dinner after that and we saw an old friend of my wife with his girlfriend and her son of a different race than the boyfriend. I got to be a kind friend to them.

Thanks be to God for a great day.

Last night as I fell asleep I recall that I was having a panic dream. As usual their was an entity and entities in my dream. But my fear was more of an emotion than a thought. All through the night I kept waking up with a hymn from church going through my head... "glory to God in the highest and peace to his people on earth..." In the morning I woke up so late that I jumped out of bed and never made my prayers. But I felt like I was and had been in constant prayer through the hymn. I never felt disconnected today.

I got to go to the noon meeting, our topic was the chapter "To Emloyers". I thought about what this chapter teaches me.

My Relationship with my Employer - By reading about the perspective of the employer, about the misunderstanding of the disease and how I can be misunderstood. What kind of treatment I might be equitable for an ex-problem drinker, or an active alcoholic. Where the boundaries lie of how I might impose on them or they might treat.

My Relationship with my Co-workers - Much of the description of the relationship with the alcoholic could apply not just fo rthe employer but also the coworker. Particularly when dealing with a sick alcoholic. Again this may be about where the boundaries lie of how I might impose on them or they might treat.

My Relationship with my Job - I must see that my relationship to my career may need to change particularly in how I may need to restructure my priorities and raise up the spiritual life above my career life. I may need to accept a less prominent position or less lofty goals.

This morning we went to mass together as a family for Mother's Day. It was a little difficult but I didn't think it was that bad but my wife left right before comunion because she felt it was too much. I was disappointed that she missed the blessing of the mother's.

We had my parents over for a Mother's Day dinner. I was having a great time until I burned teh ribs. I had an emotional reaction within even though I tried to keep it in perspective. We did have a great time but I was distracted. I had things that I wanted to talk to my paents about but was never able to bring to mind.

I passed out hard in the afternoon and had a troubled sleep. I kept hearing yelling at the kids and the baby crying. I felt sick in my sleep. I was disappointed that I felt I was wasting a great day.

Today was Pentecost Sunday. Our first reading was that of the Holy spirit descending to the hundred and twenty. I heard of this spoken of as the birth of the birth of the church. Our priest gave a great sermon on the importance of Catholic doctrine but the direction he took seemed divisive in calling into question teh salvation of those separated from the Catholic church. I don't outright disagree with what he preached, nor do I disagree that non-Catholics are not taking advantage of the fullness of what the Church offers. But I feel that I cannot state that strongly that those not a part of the Roman Catholic church are completely separated simply because I must let God decide. There was a couple there that the husband is Lutheran. I felt bad for him. But I also accept that the truth is not always comfortable. Interestingly enough the second reading seemed to be one of Christian unity as being diverse in works.

I guess it depends on where God draws the boundaries of His church and what he considers to be "Caholic".

This morning I was thinking of the discussion with my friend about the fifth step he asked me about last night. With a fresh mind this morning I reembered the architecture of the step that I had forgotten. I remembered how we used this last night.

My friend had several concerns about this fifthn step so we had dissected it by looking at the main concepts of the step. But we had forgotten a huge key part...humility.

In the same moment I realized that my friend had been placed in my life when I needed to look at the fifth step in the 5th month. And this is on Pentecost Sunday. I feel as if the Holy Spirit descended onto me and filled me with inspiration.

This morning my son had a baseball game. We played against the team that has not won a game. I really felt bad for those boys because some of them are really good but they just got dealt a bad hand. I thought about how sometimes I have felt low about the fact that we have lost more games than we have won. Then the thought came today about how lucky we are that we didn't get on a team that didn't have enough good players. I am grateful that my son got on a team that got to win some games.

Also, the coaches on both teams got into some heated disagreements about some confusing game situations. I was grateful to have some self-control and perspective. I am not so invested in justice that I can't accept when things aren't fairly judged or mistakes are made. I am able to keep sight of the big picture that it is just a game and they are just kids. I am able to accept that the other team just wants to win too. This is evidence for me about the power of God's grace to work within me.

It was a tight game and the other team had the last at bat and chance to win but they had two strikeouts.

Last night I got to chair our Big Book study meeting. A lot of people showed up and we read the second part of "The Man Who Mastered Fear". This is just what I needed to read as I have been feeling fearful lately that I should be doing more to make money for my family. I had a perspective re-alignment in remembering that I must keep first things first and I have been blessed with a job that allows me to participate in 12 step fellowship and the job environment is sane.

There was a guy there that I remembered from the meeting that I used to attend at the treatment center that I used to go to. I remembered him because he shared in the meeting about his angst over his woman and he also wasn't "feeling it" in his own recovery. He became disruptive and had to be escorted out. He expressed similar distress last night about his day and about being distracted from the reading but on a much lower level. I was grateful to see him and see him doing ok. I was grateful to get to see him after the meeting and to help him work through it and give him words of encouragement.

Today I was resentful that my wife went to the hospital to spend time with my neice. I was afraid that the housecleaning and yardwork would not get done and I might be late to church tomorrow. I was selfish in only thinking about my difficulties.

I didn't want to let go of my "justifiable" anger but the objective thought came to mind that resentment is toxic to me and I must ask God to remove it. I finally did so and the result was immediate.

BTW, I got enough of the work done that needed to be done and I got to play with the kids in the yard.

Tonight a guy called me very concerned about a fifth step he had just heard. I got to talk to him about it and help him see that he had done a good job. I was grateful for the opportunity to do a twelfth step task.

Thanks be to God for wonderful day.

This morning when I woke up I struggled through my prayers. One thing caught my attention though, it was my prayer for God to show me what I can do today for the man who is still sick.

On my way in to work I came out of the parking garage and onto the side walk looking down the hill. This morning I noticed several of the men flocking in from the night toward the Salvation Army. There was a guy on a bike coming toward me whom I recognized. I caught his eye as he passed and said hello. He remembered me and came back. We talked for a few minutes and he told me about how he had been on a relapse, lost everything he had built up during his sobriety and been to jail. He spoke to me about his desparation. God inspired me with words of encouragement for him and I told him I would pray that the Holy Spirit would come into him.

I was immediately grateful to God for the opportunity to carry the message and perform that part of my sobriety program today.

I thought later toay about how valuable these opportunities are. I also thought about how the meetings are also these types of opportunities and my attitude should be one of vocation. My job there is to carry the message.

Last night I had a using dream.

This morning I posted to an online meeting and for the third time my post was not forwarded to the rest of the group. I believe now that I am being screened.

Today I went to a meeting, the topic was step 6. I was disappointed that I lost my way in my share again. It wasn't that bad but the topic was step 6 and I dwelt too much on my problems with sex conduct. I spoke about how my problem was in striving for "self determined" objectives rather than God's objectives.

I spoke too much about insanity which was the topic of the online meeting. I spoke about how my defects of character were much like my powerlessness and unmanageability. I spoke about not being able to be clear about the truth about myself in my addiction and so the same applies to my judgements about my boundaries of conduct.

I guess it wasn't so bad because I have to treat my problems of moral perspective in the same way as my addiction. These delusions are also a form of insanity in that they lead me into behaviors that are harmful and my perspective becomes delusional.

My dream last night was long, drawn out and hypersexual. I realized today that in my conscious thought life that I have not thought about using or deviating form my marriage in a long time. But, the disease still reveals itself in my subconscious.

This evening my wife got unjustifiably demeaning to me a few times. I resisted the impulse to fight back or point out her mistakes.

Today I turned my thoughts away from sexual indulgence several times and focused on God centeredness.

Today I got to participate in a CA business meeting.

I was resentful when some members were obstinate and argumentative and insulted me.
My pride, personal relations, and ambitions were hurt or threatened.
I was afraid things wouldn't go my way.
I was afraid that people would think less of me because I was characterized as being financially irresponsible.
I placed too much reliance on my ability to convince others of my ideas.
I placed too much expectation on the ability of a group of addicts to interact sanely.
I over-valued my reputation.
I was self-righteous and indignant.

The good thing about this incident was that I chose not to react to what was said at the loss of face. I chose not to participate any further in a dysfunctional interaction. I believe that I also gave my resentment over to God immediately.

This afternoon I got too angry when my son was misbehaving and talking back. Again I was able to recognize this right away and recieve God's graces to recover. With the help of my wife he finally began to behave. We went on a long bike ride after dinner. This evening I made amends to him before bed.

I had some really great moments despite the low spots today.
This morning during prayer and meditation I felt closer to God than ever before. The amazing thing was that I started out feeling spiritually dryer than ever.

This evening I heard asermon from Billy Graham. He talked about putting first things first.

If I am irritable, restless, or discontent then I am in danger of relapse. This simple statement made a lot of sense for me today.

I had an important meeting with my boss in which I had to take some criticism. It turned out ok and I didn't get fired. I am not in trouble and I am not on any kind of write-up. My boss simply had to let me know to improve on something.

I am grateful that I had power from God to relieve my fears all week.
I am grateful that I didn't have to talk to my wife about it and give her something to be afraid of.
I am grateful to have others to talk to about it.

Today at the noon meeting we talked about step 6.

Tonight I have to be willing to let God remove my irritability.