Today was an ordinary day.

When I first woke up my mind immediately drifted into a feeling of dread as I thought of the due date I had missed last night for a culture project for my communication class.  Fortunately I caught myself immediately and acted to change my attitude.  It was not easy for a moment but the result was immediate.  I received relief as soon as I resisted and prayed.  Thanks be to God.

I spent most of the morning finishing the assignment which was a project about the nature of my beliefs.

Recently I have missed doing written reviews fairly frequently.  This concerns me.  The reason has been because our family life has been extraordinarily busy and my wife has been working some.  This evening I noticed that I didn't feel a strong sense of priority to go to a 12 step meeting.  Perhaps this was due to the nature of the project that I had to write, that it filled my desire to think about spiritual matters. Strangely this evening I had a chance to go to a meeting but I got confused about the day. I thought there was no meeting tonight.  I went to the thrift store instead. I bought a cheap jam box for the club.  When I went to drop it off there was a meeting in progress.  Even then I didn't stay out of deference to my wife since I had not told her that I was going to a meeting. 

I was happy to practice with my sons tonight.

I am looking forward to the speech project with my wife in which we will be speaking about our service in the 12 recovery community.  

This Palm Sunday we made it to mass on time and in order.  During the  re-enactment of the passion I noticed some things that I had never noticed before. Now I can't remember what they were.

This Saturday morning I had a nightmare that my youngest daughter was washed away in a mudslide on a street in Italy (or maybe a little town in South Texas).  I ran allongside her as she was carried waist deep in the stream of mud.  I saw that she was approaching a gutter and there was no escaping.  Then I realized that she would emerge in a lake a few hundred feet away.  I let her go instead of diving in and I ran to the lake.  I couldn't find the emergent culvert.  My mother on another bank yelled out that it emerged below the surface.  I looked down into the water to see clouds of mud spread throughout the previously clear depths.  then someone shouted there's a head and I simultaneously saw her curly hair undulating beautifully as her body floating amongst the weeds just at the bottom.  She had on a baby nightgown and was clutching a little doll.  The mud clouds were engulfing her.  The situation seemed impossible as she had been under a minute or two and was far down at the bottom disappearing.  I dove in and just aimed just ahead of the spot I last saw her.  I swam deeper and deeper praying to maintain a straight course and to fend off feelings of grief and terror. I reached the bottom and miraculously felt her body in my hands. Swimming back to the top I worried whether it would be possible to resuscitate her as she probably had water in her lungs.

When we reached the surface I lifted her out and carried her to the bank.  She immediately started babbling about her brothers and sisters and some incident about an animal at the zoo on their recent trip.  I realize that she resumed the conversation that were having before she was swept away.  Thanks be to God, she had held her breath and stayed calm the entire time.

I immediately thought about my sister and my dad for some reason and I empathized more effectively for his grave fear right now that he is losing her to cancer.  Then I thought about my daughter and how I should hug her tightly and appreciate her.  I remembered that I yelled at her the day before and that I should not do that.

Today I was grateful to get some errands done and strike them out on my task list.  Chief among them was a chapter summary on culture and communication.

I was grateful to spend time with the kids.

Thanks be to God.

I was grateful this morning to wake up an hour early and feel very close to normal and energetic.

I wrote about an idea for how to segregate my blogs and to write and populate a blog of my views outside of the scope of 12 step recovery.

I remembered this morning that I recently had a pretty vivid using dream in which I was preparing a shot of dope and the dream ended.  It was another little reality check that brought me back to clarity when I didn't know I needed it.

At the end of the day I was disappointed to feel very tired and I was worried that I was sick again.   I didn't realize until the next morning that I was tired because I woke up early.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got to go to a meeting.  It was at the big AA club where there are a number of off-center contributors so I resolved to stay focused on the topic, on principle, and on my experience.   A guy greeted me by name and I called him by the wrong name, by the name of another guy of his minority race.  I was disappointed in myself but then I heard him call another guy the wrong name and make the awkward amends like I did.  Some people cross-talked and criticized each other and I allowed this to disturb me.  There was a new person and a visitor in the room also.  I was disappointed in myself for allowing myself to become anxious over these things.  When I spoke I hit a blank spot which caused me to speak awkwardly instead of powerfully.  I eventually did cover my points, but did so in a manner that I thought was not convincing.  An old timer shared in a sober, reasonable, and convincing manner after me.  He said some very uplifting things and really served (along with others) to get the meeting on track.  While he said some great things, I realized that he unintentionally conveyed less of an orientation toward God as a power than I did.   While my delivery could stand improvement I found acceptance by being satisfied with the content.  The visitor was the last to share At the end of the meeting, it turns out that she was originally from here, and probably had the greatest amount of clean time, and the best delivery of the message in the room.  I realized that God has control of the experience that visitors have to the group and that I had been anxious because of my expectations.

Afterward the reasonable old timer thanked me for my contribution and gave me encouragement.  When I told him of my anxiety over my mistakes, he shared his experience with self-defeating feelings as coming from the adversary.  I received the spiritual edification that I needed!

I wrote some thoughts about hyper-tasking in the sepulvision blog.

Last night my son came to our bed frightened.  This isn't all that unusual but he seemed more scared than ordinary.  Later he woke up several times shivering and terrified and I had a very hard time comforting him.  He said that he could see shadow figures in the room and in particular a guy standing in the corner.   In the morning when we talked about it he said that it would disappear when I lifted my head awake.

Last night and this morning I encouraged him to use prayer as his spiritual defense weapons.  I suppose that he will always be under spiritual attack so I must teach him spiritual martial arts.Perhaps the scriptures would be the next weapons that I must teach him.

I got to talk to a sponsee today.  He made a check in call.

In the evening my youngest son had a T-ball game.  My mom and dad were there.  We all had a great time.  Afterward my son's and I took a long drive and spent some time together.

Thanks be to God.

Last night before bed I saw a guy being interviewed in a news feature about the new metro rail.  He was talking about how he couldn't wait to ride it into work and walk four blocks to his job.  He was the guy who was hired in my position after I was let go.

I have to admit that this bothered me a bit.  I started to revisit my previous resentment at the company that fired me and resentful that this guy had my job now, but I also had to laugh at the absurdity of being angry.

This morning the first reading was about the two unjust judges.  Then the responsorial was Psalm 23, "You spread the table before me in the sight of my foes."  The Gospel was about Jesus facing the Pharises in the temple and speaking of judgement.  This all helped me to truly let it go and know that God is the just judge.


I had another bout of illness fatigue this morning and slept a lot.  I was disappointed at myself but had to remember that it was ok to be sick.  In the afternoon I got going and was grateful that I do not get sick like I used to.  


I got to practice with my younger son and then take my older son to team practice this afternoon.


Thanks be to God.

This morning we woke up on time and made it to mass early.  I still had a hoarse voice and congestion but felt a lot better.

I spent some time outside with the kids and watched a movie with them.

We had a good day together as a family.

Thanks be to God.

This Saturday I was pretty sick and slept a little late but got the kids up around 8:15 and then just kinda of dragged all morning.  By afternoon I was a little better and got a project finished up.  \

In the evening I got to work with a guy on his fourth step and then go to a meeting.

Thanks be to God.

This morning the wife and kids went to the zoo.  I had a terribly aimless feeling all morning.  After some cleaning, prayer, and a 15 minute power nap, the feeling passed.

In the afternoon it became apparent that my wife would not be bringing my son back to town in time to make it to baseball practice.  I prayed for God to save me from being angry.  I took a look at my expectations and realized that this has been a recurring issue arising for the past few days.  I resolved to let them go and accept God's direction.

Around this time the thought of a meeting came to mind so I went to one.  The topic was willingness.  I got to talk to a young guy after the meeting who thanked me for sharing.

In the evening I got to go to reconciliation mass and receive the sacrament of reconciliation afterward.  

I got to go to another meeting afterward.  The topic was Tradition 1

I got the chance to work the program today, carry the message, and receive God's grace.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up thinking about the Lord's Prayer and thought of the Lord's Prayer for Addicts.

I continued the calendaring project this morning and feel a great deal more secure about the coming weeks and the duties, tasks, and events.

After a all this planning I felt like I never actually did anything substantial today.  I felt like I was just serving this family at home.

Looking back I see that this is a great privilege.

I got to talk to a friend who needed spiritual advice today.  I talked to my sponsee also.

The guy who's son is coaching my son called me today to plan a session this weekend.

Thanks be to God.

This Tuesday I was wiped out from the yard work I have been doing and the after effects of the switch to daylight saving time. I woke up late, felt aimless, and struggled to gain focus in prayer, or anything else for that matter.

I never really got going today and was only able to do our basic life maintenance duties for our family.

In the afternoon I got the idea to spend the rainy day updating my calendar to try and regain some sense of aim in my daily affairs.

In the past two days I have thought of a few good concepts related to the spiritual life but I don't recall them now.

I spent some time playing video baseball with my son.

In the evening my sons and I went shopping at the second hand store (for resale) and to the sporting goods store for shoes for the younger.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I had very focused prayer with some new insights.

This Sunday and Monday I did yard work all day and into the night.  I dug a drainage trough, thatched the back yard, and seeded with bermuda grass.

My sponsee called at lunch time.

I felt worried that I wasn't getting done what I should be but there was rain coming on Tuesday so I felt that I needed to get the yard work done.

I didn't make it to a meeting, opting to have family time on the porch in the evening.

Thanks be to God.

Our priest this said that today's mass was about blindness, to sight, to insight.  The music was amazing grace and open my eyes Lord. This seemed synchronous to the events of the last few days in which my the miracle of my recovery was again revealed to me.  It started with watching Sober House and realizing that I had begun to forget that I have the condition of chronic addiction.  Then there was the meeting in which the topic was There is a Solution.  Then there is the 3rd step topic for this month.  Then there is the guy whom I took through his 3rd step this week.

I spent a little while after lunch doing some yard work then I ran some errands.  While I was out and about I thought about a shift in priorities to watch that I don't let busy work interfere in spending time with my family.

Thanks be to God.

Last night  I was woken up and couldn't go back to sleep so I got up and completed my paper.  This morning I had a much better outlook as I determined that I am on schedule with my school work.

After breakfast and cleanup I took the boys to the park for some baseball practice.  I was very pleased that my younger son went with us.

I remembered that some weird things happened last night.  My son had a very bad bloody nose.  My wife had weird dreams and was sleep walking.  Also I woke up in an unusual state of mind.

This evening I got to do step work with a guy.  Then I got to go to a meeting.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I read  a sign that said:

Job 5:17 Behold, happy is the man whom God correcteth: Therefore despise not thou the chastening of the Almighty.

I thought about how I used to think that God could not be kind and merciful if he was a jealous and reproachful God.  I thought about how the attitude that God issues correction might just be the nature of the universe rather than God directly.  But it is by His will and in response to our actions as this is how He created the universe.  God IS kind and merciful,  when He reproaches us it is with kindness and mercy but the universe is a cruel master.  The universe issues reproach without temperance.  

Today I spent all morning trying to work on my paper and struggling through distractions.  I got the bulk of it done but I was worried all day about everything else that needs to be done.

This evening I sensed a very strong spiritual event taking place but it's nature eludes me.

This morning I had precious time with my youngest daughter.

Thanks be to God.

This Thursday I thought about a better way to express a certain aspect of self-centeredness as the profound and inflexible adherence to the scope of one's own vision.  A deep rooted self-determinism that causes one to be stuck in a narrow minded world view.

This Thursday was a very busy day.

I had to take a test in the morning.  I was a little bit anxious about it but my studying paid off and I did ok.  

I needed to write a paper which I had not started and this contributed to my anxiety.  Then when I started it I found that I needed to have studied a lot more than I realized. My wife was at school and then worked in the afternoon/evening so I had to do all the kid pick ups.  This put a real damper on my ability to get any work done.

In between picking up kids we drove around our neighborhood looking at the magnificent Asian Pear trees in bloom.  They are extraordinarily brilliant today.

As the afternoon went on an d I realized that we had a baseball game and I would probably not be able to get my paper done.  My wife gave me some great advice to emaiil the teacher and just turn it in late.

We had a great time at the ball game.  My son loves being part of a team and he loves sharing the experience with me and his mom and siblings and cousin.

Thanks be to God.

. . . we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p.62

What does "we invariably find" mean?   This is what we find every time, without fail.

What does it mean that "we made decisions based on self?"  I did things my way mostly.  I made decisions based on values that were defined by me without enough outside perspective.  I based my values on my limited scope of perception.

What does "later placed us" mean?  My consequences were the result of doing things my way.

What is "a position to be hurt?"  This is an attitude of feeling ill at ease.

I made decisions based on limited perception and self-defined values which caused me to have a attitude of futility.

Last night I fell asleep with my son.

I spent all morning trying to get through a long chapter on the basics of networking.  I was very distracted and fell asleep several times.  I strove to persevere and returned to my work after getting up to clean several times.  I became afraid of the volume of work that I must complete and be tested on by Thursday.  I started to become angry that I did not prioritize this sooner.  I prayed and exerted myself to resist these feelings.  I made it through the chapter and passed my quiz.

In the afternoon I was motivated to do another chapter.  This one was on the internet and was exceedingly easy. When I finished it I realized that the number of chapters to complete by the deadline is fewer than I thought.  It was as if reality had been altered.  My attitude was certainly changed and I am now optimistic.

I got to practice baseball with both sons in the afternoon. 

At the resale store I found a great bargain on a practice tool.

Thanks be to God!

This morning I was grateful to wake up on time, read the scriptures, and make it to mass.

In the afternoon I got to go with both of my sons to a friend's house for his son to give my oldest some pitching instructions.  My favorite part was when my younger son was emulating his brother's moves.

I made amends with my wife today... poorly.  I got angry again in the process.  God save me from being angry, Thy will not mine be done.

This evening I got to go to a meeting.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I heard the parable of the unforgiving servant in passing on my children's religious program on TV.

I got to participate with my #2 son in his first ever T-ball game today.  He did great and he had a lot of fun.  He got to wear his uniform and be part of the team.  He got to sit in the dugout as a player for the first time and he got to be part of the lineup.  He hit the ball and ran the bases.  He was so proud of himself for making it to home every time.  I thoroughly enjoyed the family time at the field.  My wife and I knew a lot of people their and we had a real sense of community.

When we got home my Wife griped at me for not informing my Mom of the game.  She insinuated that I didn't care as much about my younger son.  It was my fault for saying that my parents didn't care that much.  But, I flew off the handle.  She had a negative attitude about some other things and I treated this as her continuing flaw of manufacturing misery.  I said some harsh words that I need to make amends for.

In the afternoon I got to take my older son to the park and practice with his neighborhood friend.

This evening I got to take a sponsee through his third step.  Then I got to read a story about prayer to my kids.

I am afraid that I am falling behind in my schoolwork.  But, like the story I read for my kids teaches, I need to pray for God to help me not to be afraid.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I was thinking about the recent article posted by a friend about a study relating High IQ to atheism. I thought that their could be some simple conclusions that could be made.  Namely that high living standards, wealth, fame, and intellect can all be obstacles to faith.  The reason is that when the needs of a person are being met then it is hard to conceive of a need for it.  However, the people who achieve, obtain, or know everything that they need will still suffer the same deprivation that the person who does not have their material needs met does.  That is apart from a spiritual life and faith sooner or later that need reveals itself.

This morning I remembered to pray with all the kids.

I got to spend some time tasking and trying to set a new practice.

I made a resale today.

I got to visit with a sponsee today.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting.  Our topic was from page 86 the paragraph on carrying the vision of God's will.  I focused on the part about using our willpower along these lines, it is the proper use of the will.  I think a full concept was revealed to me.  "

Thanks be to God.

This Thursday in the morning my wife spent some quality time together shopping once the kids were off to school.

I got a call from my new sponsee.
I got  a call from two old friends today.   I got to talk to one of them about how to keep a marriage.

I was worried about babysitting and getting my boys to practice but it all came together.  My wife and I had a speech class together in which we had to give a presentation.   It was alot of fun meeting everyone from our online class and we both got an A.  We both worked through our fear.  My mother babysat and my dad took my son to practice.

Thanks be to God.

Today I bought a few things for my kids and then had buyer's remorse.  At some point I realized that this was really bugging me.  I prayed for acceptance and recalled the paradigm that money is just a resource passing through my hands as rain falls on the land.  I must trust that God will always provide what I need and that while I should be motivated to be a good steward, I should not obsess over menial losses, especially when it comes to doing things for the kids.  When my daughter came in from school she asked, "Dad, is that my bat that you bought for me?".  I was pleased that she noticed and liked it.

At about 3 pm. I realized that I never got back to prayer this morning.  I was groggy getting up and the kids needed something and I forgot to go back and pray.  So I realized at that moment I was at a good stopping point and that I should make a better choice than picking up the remote.  I went and prayed my morning prayers but just worded them for the rest of the day.

I recalled that last night I had a nightmare while putting my daughter to sleep.  I was dreaming that I was walking in a park and the wind was blowing through the trees and many birds were squawking and circling above me.  Then the birds grew into enormous numbers and were swarming past.  I suddenly saw a black form swoop down and disappear into the trees nearby.  It seemed as if it were after me.  I felt frightened and started to wake up.  I was laying there with my eyes opened but not awake.  I could see a black form on the wall next to me and I started to panic.  Then I could feel a heavy weight pressing down angrily.  I prayed and resisted and I felt my arm being lifted up.  I looked to my side and my arm was not moving but it felt as if my arm were invisibly lifted and plunged into my chest and grabbed and ripped my insides up and out.  I woke up.

I also remembered that I had a crack smoking dream sometime last night.  I believe this was a spiritual attack due to the 12 step work my wife and I did last night.  She told me that she also had a bad dream.

This morning the guy that asked me to sponsor him called and I provided him with some direction.

My wife and I had a good day interacting with each other.

This evening I got to go to a meeting at my home group.  The topic was step 12.  On the way there I heard a story about a man walking down the street who saw a little boy struggling to carry a younger boy.  He said to the boy "He looks very heavy", the boy said back "He is not, because he is my brother."  The point is the when we are inspired in our work by love, by the One who is love, then the burden is lite.  "For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."  After the meeting my friends held a spontaneous prayer for my sister and I.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got to go to my mom and dad's house and see my sister.  We had a long and fruitful talk about her daughter and my sister's condition.  It was difficult at times because my Dad would change the subject and rant about his racist views.  I was impressed with my sister's grace and pleased about some indications but in the end got no reassurance that she has softened in her atheist views.  I was disappointed that I could not have a more open conversation with her.

My wife got angry with me because she felt that I did not tell her that I was going there after dropping off my daughter.  I felt that we had discussed it clearly and agreed upon it.

I finally got my truck inspected today, thanks be to God.

Last night I got my paper turned in, thanks be to God.

In the afternoon my wife was very stressed out over our speaking engagement at the treatment center.  My mom was not returning her calls about babysitting.  I had to accept that we would be taking the kids.  I had to let her own her feelings and not let it affect me.  I had to resist reacting when she lashed out at me.

Late in the day she got help from our neighbor.  I had to accept that our kids would stay at their house.

On the way to the engagement my wife could only talk about worldly matters that seemed inconsequential to me. She griped, gossiped, and criticized people.  It got under my skin.  I wished that she were interested in recovery and the spiritual life and that we could talk about these things in preparation for our talk.  I had to resist anger and pray for God to remove it and my expectations.  

My wife spoke first.  She really surprised me.  She told her story very well and carried a great message.  When it was my turn I felt unprepared.  I got off to a good start and comfortably spoke about my experience.  I didn't do that great but I was ok with it.  My prayer to let go of expectations worked really well.  In addition my wife and I felt reconciled.

We had fun on the way home stopping off for a burger and some shopping.

After I got home I finished and turned in my last assignment.
I remembered to practice the act of contrition with my son.

Thanks be to God.