This morning I got an opportunity to read a chapter and take a quiz.

I had tension with my wife today over the way in which she communicates with me.  I had to let her know that when I ask her if she is going anywhere and she answers me with a "what are you up to?" question, it makes me feel defensive and then we bicker.

Today while reading about the process of debugging computer programming I noticed the parallel in doing personal inventory.  The first step is to clearly identify the nature of the problem so that all can address it realistically instead of reactively.  The second step is to analyze the problem and determine the specific plan of action.

I thought several times about how my wife doesn't seem to be conscious of my condition anymore, that I must continue to work to stay sober.  She just seems driven by her will and instincts.  I also worry about her self-propulsion and what it is doing to her.  I had to assert myself to resist arguing and go to a meeting.

This evening I got to go to a meeting.  As I was waiting I thought about the fact that when I was in my addiction my main problem was that I did not have control of my will.  My will was driven by my warped instincts and obsession for the ecstasy of the first hit.  Yet turning over my will to God was an intolerable thought.

I was a little disappointed that I couldn't assemble my thoughts on the topic but it was a strong meeting and several people shared what came to mind for me anyway.  After the meeting I did have some unique ideas and I will write those in my blog.

I got to hear some good stuff and talk to some good friends about recovery.

Thanks be to God.

Last night I fell asleep early but then woke up and couldn't sleep until after 2am.  This morning we all had a hard time waking up.

I spent all day with my kids at their field trip at a farm.  While I was there I got a phone call from a sponsee.  My initial reaction was to ignore it but I went ahead and took it and afterward was very pleased to have done so.  I had a great time with the kids and when I asked my son what the best part was he said it was that I was there with him.

In the late afternoon I went to get a fast food meal because I had skipped lunch but instead made a choice to go to the store and buy dinner and eat hot dogs at home instead.  I took another phone call during that time.

When I got home I called my dad and found out my mom was having problems after her surgery.  My wife and I discussed it and she called my mom and decided to go help her.  In the midst of this a sponsee showed up to meet with me.  I was able to talk to him which really helped me.

In the evening after dinner I went into a cleaning frenzy as my house was a disaster.  My wife and I got irritable but when it was all said and done and the kids were put to bed, peace descended upon our home.

Thanks be to God.

This morning after all the kids were dropped off at school I fell asleep for about an our, the better part of the morning.  I felt worried and mad at myself for losing time.  I tried to remind myself that I was pretty sick this week and it was probably the lingering effects.  I also reminded myself of my sponsor's advice that I associate oversleeping and illness with the remorse of using.

In the short time before the kid pickups began I got our printer back up and running on my wife's computer and I rehearsed my speech for the class tonight.  Looking back it feels good to have done something constructive.  But, during the time of the kid pickups I felt so distracted that I struggled to retain the speech in my mind.  I reminded myself that it was only 3-4 minutes.

I took some time to call back a friend in recovery who called me yesterday.

I managed to get the kids to ride their bikes a little and both boys to do a little baseball practice.  When my wife came home she tried to get me to rehearse our speeches but when we tried we got interrupted and I got resentful and so did she.  We never did get back to it and she got progressively more irritable as the time approached for our class.

I also started to get grouchy and worried about our babysitting arrangements but thank God for our friends who stepped up to help us with this.

I got apprehensive about my speech as the time came near to give it.  I felt uncomfortable telling strangers in a non-recovery setting that I was an addict.  But, as the other people gave their talks, my fears resolved in my min and I was OK.  Afterward a fellow student was very eager to speak to me as she is studying to be a counselor.  Then during a break the instructor pointed out a person who had recovered from abuse and homelessness and myself as the faces of those who have recovered.

Afterward my wife and I got to go eat a nice dinner together.

When I got home I briefly heard Dr. Drew asked about David Lettermen's resentful attitude.  He said that resentments eat you alive and you gotta let them go.  When asked how, he said that people in recovery speak to their sponsors, process their resentments, and pray and they eventually go away.

At the end of this day I felt rejuvinated to be active in recovery.

Thanks be to God.

This Tuesday was finally a day back to normal.

I was afraid of being behind on my school work.  Then I looked at things and found out I was ok.  I spent the morning getting registered for the summer session.

Afterward I went to visit my mom at the hospital after her surgery.  I was grateful to be able to do this today as in my past this would have been the sort of thing I would have neglected.

In the evening my oldest son had his biggest baseball game of the year.  Everyone on the team had been anticipating this game for some time.  The other team was undefeated and my son's team had only one loss, to them.  This was the rematch game. Unfortunately, the other team did not have enough players show up.  Today and tomorrow are the big state testing day at school and many parents did not bring their kids.  All the kids that showed up were very disappointed.

I had mixed feelings about the whole thing.  I understand the importance of testing and getting plenty of rest.  I can see how parents wouldn't want to have a game that night.  But after trying to get it rescheduled, which they did.  They should, as we did, meet their obligation to the team and show up.

It was an extremely busy Friday and Saturday and then I came down with a horrible case of food poisoning.

I got to attend my son's games on Saturday morning and then got to take the family to a park for an outing with the teammates of one of their teams.  That afternoon I got to do step work with a friend and then attend a speaker meeting.

My wife took good care of me and the kids while I was sick.  She went to mass with my son for our family.

My illness left me feeling like I had been beat up and raped by a gorilla.  This morning I was slow getting back to normal but I had to get up for the brush pick up.  I was disappointed that I never got all the new brush trimming done but I found acceptance.  I saw how I could a lot of little stuff like this to get me down.

I got to participate in my youngest son's baseball game tonight.

Thanks be to God.

I spent Thursday morning doing school work, thankfully.  I listened to Journey this morning and listened to an interview with Steve Perry.   I thought about some significant things related to desire and self-centered thinking this morning but I can't remember what they are this Friday morning as I write this.

I thought back to someone I spoke to recently who is struggling with comparing themselves to the success of others.  I thought about how I tried to encourage them but just did a superficial job by validating their feelings.  I remembered how I worked through this. I was thinking down a wrong path of thinking I worked a better spiritual program than they did but still failed.  Then I thought I would set my sights on a personal victory of working a better program than them.  I realized my wrong motives and stopped them but recognized that I had stumbled onto the solution to my problem.  I needed to focus on how well of a job I did of working my program and nothing else.  More specifically, in meetings I needed to focus on how well I carried the message.

The rest of this day I spent attending to the kids.

Thanks be to God.

This morning my wife found out my son had not done his homework and they got in an argument.  I was very disappointed because he had told me that he did it.

On my way to work a car zoomed around me.  Another car pulled out in front of me from a side street.  I thought about how these vehicles didn't gain any time advantage as we clearly were all going to stop.  I thought of my own motives when I need to get ahead of everyone in traffic.  I was glad that this has become much less prevalent in me.  I wondered if this is covetousness.  Perhaps this wanting to have what someone else has is the nature of this anxiety.  It is a form of selfishness.

I got a call from a guy who wanted me to show him where to go to an AA meeting.  He came to my house and we went to Western Trails.  It was a good meeting and I was glad I got to go.

This evening both of my sons had baseball games.  My oldest son pulled out of his batting slump and almost made a diving catch in the outfield.  Everyone cheered anyway as he stopped the batter from getting extra bases on an unlikely ball to stop.

When I got home I talked to my son about his homework and found that he didn't lie, he just missed part of it when he did the rest yesterday.  I was very relieved that he didn't lie.

Thanks be to God.

This Sunday we had planned to get an early start but we slept in.  We went to 11 am mass and my wife led the children's liturgy.  Our deacon  gave an inspirational sermon and related his story of a sudden career ending heart attack when he was at the top of his game as an airline pilot.  He told of his first steps back to a faith filled life.  His main point was about how God decides where we go and when we change direction.

After mass we came home and prepared with great anticipation to go to a baseball game.  We left with little time to spare and were well on our way when my youngest son started throwing up profusely.  He vomited all over my older son who started screaming and slid down trying to avoid it and was choking with the seatbelt around his throat.  I went into a panick as we were on the freeway with no place to stop.  I realized that I had drifted into another lane and a truck had to move to the shoulder to avoid me.  My wife and I somehow started yelling at each other and I banged my fist on the steering wheel.  In my sense of helplessness I lost control of my temper and threw our stroller onto a grass knoll.

After about 30 minutes of cleaning and calming the children down we made our way back home.  Fortunately my wife and I pulled ourselves together and made a plan for a quick cleanup and we still went to the game.  We had a great time at the game.  I almost caught a foul ball.  The guy who caught it gave it to my youngest son.  We got to see Lance Berkman hit a home run.  My other son almost got his autograph.  Our team won.

We finished the day exhausted and in good spirits.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we got up early for baseball games.  After getting ready we got rained out.  After breakfast my wife and I both had long naps.  We wondered how we would have made through two ball games and we resolved to get to bed early the next time we have a double header on tap.

In the afternoon I had to push myself to get each boy to practice baseball.  I had to do what we could in the driveway because of the wet yard.  Neither one did a lot but I was glad to get them to do something.

I was pleased today seeing the kids watching religious programming and enjoying it.

In the evening I really wanted to go shopping or to the park or something but I had an appointment to do 12 step work.  I didn't feel unpleasant about this, I just didn't want to pursue my desires.  I am grateful that God has given me a sense of constructive interest in  the work and a passion for joy in helping someone out.

I had thought about my direction in the work with the guy and had been moved to explain self-centeredness and fear in his inventory.  But, I didn't want to hold him up from reviewing his individual resentments.  When we got together he needed to talk about fear.

Their was a nice little thunderstorm during the meeting afterward.  We talked about starting on the simple terms of conception of God.

I found out that Lance Berkman will be playing in the minor league game we are going to tomorrow.

Thanks be to God.

The kids and I had quality prayer time again this morning and made it to school on time.

Today I worked on my essay again amidst many interruptions.  My wife's computer died and I had to clean it and check it out.  I wish I had finished but I must accept things as they are.

I didn't do much else.

My younger son's baseball game was cancelled.

I got to talk to a friend from the program today at the thrift store.

Thanks be to God.

This wednesday was a blur.  I worked on my essay again for a good while today.

My youngest son, the one with autism, had track and field day today.  He was talking all morning about how eager he was to win.  I didn't take this too seriously and was worried about his unrealistic expectations.  He surprised us all by winning two first place awards and one second place.

In the evening my son had a baseball game and took a ball in the eye during warm ups.  It was awful to see him lying on the ground writhing in pain and not being able to do anything.  I was grateful that the coach came and attended to him.  But the one thing that stands out to me is him telling my son that he couldn't sob (because the other team would hear?).  I was very proud of my son for pulling it together and playing in the game.  He did pretty well and made a couple of critical outs including an awesome snag down the first base line.  But he struck out at both of his at bats and cried after the second.  I felt worse than he did after the game.  I was also very proud of how he pulled himself together and finished the game strong.

Thanks be to God.

Today I was very worried about the chapters I had to read and the testing that  I had to do.   I had to again take the attitude of complete isolation and focus.  I had to see that I brought this on myself and need to be more dedicated prior to the deadline.  At the end of the day I got it done and passed the test.

I talked to the sponsee who called me yesterday.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting.

Thanks be to God.

This Monday I was very worried about my school work done.  I spent all morning doing my speech class assignments done.  These are assignments that I should do incrementally over a week.  I had to resist being resentful about this.  I also got a chapter read for my computing class for the test that i must take tomorrow.

A sponsee called me at lunchtime but I was preoccupied with my school work.  I had to take an extreme attitude today of being completely inaccessible.  I even had to set boundaries with my wife and kids and let some housework go.  I didn't feel right about this.

This took up the whole day and I finished just in time to rush off to my son's baseball game. This was a huge distraction for me today because I was so worried about him doing good after striking out three times in the last game.  During warmups I focused on working with a kid who is overweight and skill challenged.  I sort of just started doing it unintentionally and the coach encouraged me.

My son did great in the game, he walked once and made a great hit the second time at bat.  Then at the end of the game he snagged a grounder at first and threw a guy out at third for the first two outs of the last inning.  This was an especially great win for him as he played against his classmate who was talking it up all week and he got to redeem himself and turn things around.  I can't forget the moment he ran off the field jumping up and down saying "I made two outs!"  As much as I am happy about this, my worrisome nature is thinking about the part of the game where he pitched.  He went in and couldn't hit the strike zone consistently.  The coach pulled him after a few batters.  I tried to look at the positives, he had good mechanics and throws with fair velocity.

Thanks be to God.

This Sunday I started with great intentions of getting some of my school work done.  While I was getting the kids  fed and ready I was a little worried that my wife was not awake.

We made it to mass on time which was good because it was extremely crowded for confirmations.

Afterward we went downtown to a view my son's artwork which was on display for the school district art contest.  My son's artwork was chosen as a winner from his grade level.  His art teacher was there and talked to my wife and posed for a picture with him. I thought of the time when I was a young man and won awards for art, and I was very proud of him.  I wished that I could have expressed more gratitude to the teacher but I was too distracted herding the kids.  It was very crowded and we almost lost one.  We had a great time playing and taking photos in the courtyard among the water display and trees.

When we got home my wife left on errands and the rest of us took a nap.

Later in the afternoon I had to do yard work to get the trash all prepped for trash day on Monday.  This took me the rest of the day until dinner.

After dinner and baths I tried to do some of my school work but was interrupted to put my son to sleep and I fell asleep too.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I was grateful to wake up on time as my youngest son had a t-ball game.  I woke up with the song in my head still.  I still had the idea that it would affect my spiritual connection.  I dismissed this as superstitious but resolved and prayed to get it out of my head.

We were having a really good morning and running on time until my oldest son made series of objections to my directions and harassed his sisters.  I suddenly lost my temper and yelled at him.  I yelled worse than I have in a very long time and I smashed one of his connect toys.  I felt terrible afterward and prayed and apologized to him.

We had a great time at the t-ball game, my young son did great.  The weather was perfect and I took my older son for batting practice. In the afternoon we took the girls to a patch of bluebonnets for pictures, then  we had a great family outing to a hamburger joint.

I got to go to a meeting tonight and talk to someone with 7 days sober tonight.

This Friday I was too busy to write a review again.  I spent the day doing yard work and was busy into the night and fell asleep exhausted.

I was grateful to get my due paper started in the morning.

This evening my son struck out each of his 3 times at bat.  When he came back to the dugout he cried.  It hurt me very deeply to see him in distress.  When I came home I kept going over in my mind what I should do to try and correct this for him.  Then it occurred to me what I should do... nothing, nothing radically different that is.  I had to realize and accept that this is just part of the growth curve for him.  He is 9 and in his first year in kid pitch.  He is doing great compared to some other kids.  I shared this with him when we laid down to sleep tonight.  I also let him know that he did not fail in his character tonight.  He made me most proud in his focus on the game, enthusiasm, and encouragement of the other players.  He also showed good hustle on the field and made some key plays.

It was a busy and productive day today.

Thanks be to God.

This morning the Daily Reflection was about "The Bedevilments".  I thought this was apropos for the my lack of consistent action lately.  I shared some thoughts about it in the comments.

At noon I took a call from a sponsee in an inconvenient moment.  Even though my conversation was a bit distracted (by self) I was grateful not to have a guilty conscience for not making the effort.

I spent the morning shopping for sports gear for my son.  I was concerned that I should be doing school work.

In the evening I took a bike ride with my son.

Thanks be to God.

Last night I had a dream that there maniacal voices, entities in my head.  I realized that this is a recurring nightmare that is not part of my conscious awareness.

This morning I got my homework done.

This afternoon I took a phone call from one of my accountability partners that I have been missing even thought I was too busy and distracted to communicate effectively.  He and I had a great conversation in spite of this.

I got a call from a guy about putting together a group inventory for my 12 step home group.

My younger son and I practiced baseball in the back yard.

I had to load all my kids in the truck to pick up the neighbor's kid from school.  I sensed that I wanted to be irritable about this but I found joy in doing God's will.

My mother was gracious enough to babysit the kids while I took my son to baseball practice.

The grass that I planted in the back yard is beginning to sprout.  The bluebonnets on the rural road through the rolling hills to practice were beautiful.  I got to admire them with my son.

Thanks be to God.

This Easter Sunday we were up early enough to go to the first mass.

I thought of the Easter gifts from our Lord:
Courage to endure suffering, sacrifice, or difficult circumstances.
Redemption for our sins, or recovery from disorder.
Hope of eternal life to overcome the face of death.

At midday my extended family gathered at our home for Easter feast.  I got to say grace.

In the afternoon I took the kids to the park while my wife napped.  I was very concerned about keeping my younger son safe as he darted out in front of a car the last time we went on a bike ride.  As we were preparing to leave I became preoccupied with strapping the girls in their trailer.  When I looked up, my older son and his cousin had left (with permission) and the younger one was nowhere to be seen.  I looked around the corner down the street and didn't see him so it was clear that he was gone and had followed the other boys. I got worried sick as I thought of the traffic on the major road near the park.  I said a little prayer for him and set out with the girls.  It turns out that the older boys went to the wrong park down the street and when they noticed the younger one following they told him to go back and left him alone.  When I got to the park, he was making his way along the trail ahead of me.  I was thankful that he was ok but then I was worried about the other two boys.  I imagined the dangerous, steep drainage culvert where my son likes to ride.  I imagined the cousin having a wreck and breaking his arm and my son trying to help him.  After about 15 minutes they came to the park where we were at.  Thanks be to God.

We had a great time throwing the football at the park.  The cousin loved it and asked me where we learned this game.  When we got home I made the two boys write sentences.

We got to watch the opening day game between the Yankees and the Red Socks and we talked about what my son learned.

Thanks be to God.

This morning my wife and I had a garage sale together.  I say together because it is usually something that she does with a friend and I want nothing to do with.  But I am grateful for the endeavor together.  I am also grateful for the great amount of sales that we had.

At midmorning I got to take my son for a session with the son of my friend who is coaching him. This is the same friend who talked to me about getting him in baseball in the first place.  I am grateful for the role my friend and his son have played in our lives.

We had a great meal for lunch and a good nap afterward.  I got to watch the Easter Vigil mass in the afternoon.

This evening I got to meet with my sponsee and go to the meeting.  Just before meeting with him I felt spiritually disconnected.  I attributed this to my slack this week in spiritual activities.  But I also wonder how much of it is a spiritual attack from the enemy.

Tonight I go to sleep grateful for spiritual renewal and in anticipation of the Holy Day tomorrow.

Father in heaven,
As we gather in on this Holy Day of celebration,
We commemorate your passion, death, and resurrection,
We thank you for your gift of identification, redemption, and eternal life,
Bless us and these gifts we are about to receive from your bounty,
May we always be mindful of those less fortunate than us,
Those with less food, less friends, and less faith,
Through Christ our Lord,
Amen

Thanks be to God.

This Friday the kids were home all day.  I tried to do my schoolwork beginning with reading a chapter.  But, it was terribly difficult to stay focused on anything as there was constantly someone in need of something.  By midday I felt exhausted.  I don't think that this was from any intense amount of work, but rather from the intense amount of emotional energy I expend shifting my attention from one thing to the next.  I am not naturally able to multitask well between my work and the kids.  I am not sure if this is by nature or self-will but I am sure that I need to work on allowing God to change this in me.

I also applied for a job that is a good prospect this morning.

Today we watched the vigil of the Lord's passion.

In the evening I thought about going to a 12 step meeting but did not out of deference to my wife as I needed to be able to attend the meeting on Saturday night to meet with a sponsee.  Another reason I didn't go is that we are having a garage sale in the morning. I thought about how I haven't made it to a meeting all week.  I sensed that I have allowed my sobriety activities to drop in priority.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got my assignment done that was late.  At first I did the wrong assignment.  Thankfully it was not a long assignment and doing the wrong one helped me to do better in the correct one.  It was a short lab of material that I am familiar with.

I had to take care of kids all day so I didn't get much else done. I got to talk to the guy I am working through the 12 steps.

After dinner my kids asked to watch the Nest Animated Stories of the New Testament of the Passion and Resurrection of the Lord for Holy Thursday.  My son wants to watch The Passion tomorrow.

Thanks be to God.

This Wednesday I had to take a test in my English Comp class.  I did not feel prepared as I had not really done been reading the chapters.  This would be a test of something like 6 chapters.  I took it a little at a time in the midst of another very busy day.  I had a sense of dread about this but resisted negative thinking.  A little while into it I realized that this was material that I really enjoy learning and was digesting and retaining well.  I had planned to take the test on the following day but was motivated to do it this day.

I went and took the test and was surprised to see that it was to be hand written.  I just could not believe this.  My test was to write an analysis of an essay.  The essay was about the childhood home of a boy from Virginia.  I enjoyed the essay but the paper was very long and I wanted to quit in the middle.  I was able to persevere to the end.

While at the campus I noted how one could get caught up in the campus culture and define their identity from within this bubble.

This was another day in which we had two simultaneous baseball games.  At the end of the day I was exhausted.  When I got home I realized that I had an assignment due at midnight.  My wife helped to quell my anxiety and I was able to go to bed accepting that it would be late.

Thanks be to God.