This Sunday morning I woke up from a nightmare.  I was my very young self and was smoking crack.  I took a hit and then gave some to my #2 son.  After he inhaled it, I snapped to reality and went into a panic.  I wanted to suck the smoke out of him and reverse the effects.  I felt absolutely horrible, perhaps the most remorseful and painfully tragic feelings I have ever felt about myself and what I had done to him.  When I woke up, I had an incredible sense of relief and I went and hugged him tightly when he woke up.  Thanks be to God that was only a dream.

I had to rush off with my older son to his baseball tournament.  I was at once both excited and worried as I wanted to boys to win but I didn't want them to play 5 games today.  I had to ponder the wisdom and safety of this all day.  I also had to ponder the fact that we would be missing mass.  We watched it on television as we got ready.

Thankfully the team lost their first game and therefore didn't have to play anymore.

We spent the rest of the afternoon with family.

In the evening I got to go to a 12 step meeting at my home group.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I had a  good day and got a lot of things done.  I thought a lot today about the basic principles of behavior and behavior management and modification.

My mother provided a wonderful gift of some cash to help with my son's all star baseball team expenses.  Thanks be to God.

This afternoon I screwed up and forgot son #2's occupational therapy session.  I knew about it and it was on my schedule but when the time came I got distracted and forgot.  I told my wife and she chewed me out.  I told my son and he really wanted to go so I rushed him up there late.  I was grateful that his therapist worked with him for 25 minutes.  My wife chewed me out again and we were rushed getting off to my other son's baseball game.

At the game my son played in the outfield.  He had a good game, making it on base twice and running well and fielding well.  He made some minor mistakes but over all did well.  Thanks be to God.

I sense some resentment that the pitcher tonight is not as good as him and the coaches haven't looked at my son as a pitcher.  I also find myself a little resentful that the coaches who are helping at practice are having their son's prioritized. I also was troubled by my dad's attitudes towards the other people at the games who don't meet his expectations or cross his path.  I am afraid that he is going to offend people or get into a fight.  I also resented my dad griping and nagging my son for his minor mistakes.

Back at home I griped harshly at my wife when she was nagging the kids.

Lord Jesus Christ, only son of God, please forgive me a poor sinner.

This Saturday morning I woke up from some long dreams in which I was drinking and smoking cigarettes.  Throughout these dreams I felt upset and remorseful that I was throwing away all that is truly valuable in life that I have been so blessed to receive in sobriety.  

It was an incredibly busy day with two tournament baseball games during the day. 

I had to navigate some touchy issues with my dad and his attitudes at the games.  He makes critical, rude, derisive, and even racist comments out loud.  At one point when he was criticizing a coach, I had to bark back at him assertively (aggresively?) in defense of the coach.  He was saying these things right in front of the other coach's wife.  I was also concerned at the way he griped at my mother when she asked him not to use a epithet. 

I pray for patience and acceptance that God will handle this in his time, and by his will.

I caught myself in a great deal of disappointment when the games did not end well and kids made mistakes.  I had to get things, no myself in perspective.

I tried to be supportive to my son.

This Sunday our priest gave a sermon on the basic principle of trust in God.

The past few days I have had a great deal of fear of losing my home and things that I value.

Yesterday I griped at my wife about the direction that we are on and her decisions that put us in this position.  I immediately felt remorseful and thought that perhaps I had fallen back to a position that I don't actually hold any longer.   In thinking about how my wife coerced me back into school, I thought about incredibly valuable, in fact, priceless my new education is to me.  I thought about how indebted I am to her for everything good in my life including my home, kids, and past career success.

I owe her an apology.

Today I was afraid of not having books for my class.  At class I found myself easily able to keep up and not missing too much from not having the book.

After class I found renewed optimism in my current direction in life.  Some human behavior concepts clicked for me and I sort of sensed the scope and depth of my education.  Suddenly the career horizon seemed immensely more expansive.  I felt exceedingly motivated.

I've been thinking about a characteristic of perception of depth.  That good judgement depends on depth of focus.  One must be able to adjust between micro and macro focus when assessing behavior or other problems.

I was very happy to figure out how to check out my textbook online this afternoon and to get an ebook trial to see the first chapter.

I got to take my son to all-star team practice today.  He had trouble fielding grounders showing some fear to get down on hot ones.  I resolved to have a talk with him about this.  But, on his last one he stayed in front of the ball and took it in the chest on a hop.  He showed no fear nor complaint.  I couldn't have been prouder of him for correcting his mistakes himself.  He is a better man than me.

Thanks be to God for this glorious day.

This morning I woke up very groggy and stumbled my way through prayers.  After kid drop offs I tended to some tasks that have been long overdue.  I had moments of fear and low self-esteem over my current status as an unemployed student.  But, I turned my trust to God and called a friend to talk.

In the afternoon I got to practice baseball with my 6 yr old.

In the evening I found out that I got all A's except for math.  I saw that there are three job postings near me.  I caught myself griping at the kids a little too much tonight, especially my oldest.    I took the kids out to the back yard tent for prayers before bed.

Thanks be to God.

This Wednesday morning I had a little trouble waking and resolved to get to bed earlier.  Nevertheless I did get a decent start with prayer for character development.

I got some effective work done on my ethics final done and received a good grade on my addictions presentation.  I did however fell some disappointment that I can't put in the time and focus to achieve the quality of work that I would like.  I chose to practice acceptance and gratitude for the quality of work that I DO get to achieve.  I also thought about how well I am able to work on subjects in the scope of my interest and motivation as opposed to those that I am not passionate about.  I experienced flow in working on my papers.

I got to go to a meeting at noon.  It was a meeting downtown, one block away from the capital.  It was a place that I desired to go in the 2 years that I worked downtown but never made because it was just a little too far away to walk and be back on time to work.  I was glad that I kept this duty and that I was able to support the group that I did during that time.

The meeting is in a very nice room, in a nice setting, with a great group of people.  It was also a nice walk three blocks from school.  The daily reflection was read on step five (confession to a fellow) and then a topic on the evening review with an emphasis on tolerance.  I didn't really like the fact that there seemed to be two topics.  Thinking back to it now, I bet it came out of a member request.   I thought about how step 5 is related to the first part of the second step.  I should make this an entry in spiritus contra spiritum.  Going to this meeting was a wonderful experience and I look forward to attending again.

I got talk to a friend about resentments and tolerance in the afternoon.

I got to do some yard work and play ball with the kids outside in the evening.

Thanks be to God.

This Saturday morning we had two little league games and my oldest son had a music memory contest.  I was grateful for my wife's effort to get him to his game in time to play two innings.  He got to pitch 2 innings and he got to bat once.  He did a good job but had to pitch his way out of trouble a couple of times.  I was proud of him for hanging in and keeping his cool.  I was also proud of him for being understanding of his teammates when they made mistakes that resulted in losing the game.   I too had to resist an intolerant attitude.  I had to practice some acceptance in having to spread attention between two games and all three activities and not being able to help or attend the ball park barbecue event.

In the evening  I got to go to a meeting.  Our topic reading started on page 125, "Most alcoholics are enthusiasts.  They run  to extremes..."  Most people talked about financial troubles and resentful families, or how they have to completely dedicate themselves to their recovery activities.    I thought about how when I first took the steps I was enthusiastic about the program and in time my wife was resentful and felt neglected by me.  After a steady progression of emotional recovery I eventually backslid into deep resentment and relapsed.  :Later in looking back at what happened, I can see that I became enthusiastic about my hobbies of fishing and billiards, my personal spiritual activities decreased as my hobbies increased and my resentments blew up.  Concurrently, my self-righteousness and intolerance rose to extremes.

But I didn't realize this right away when I came back from relapse.  It was only after a good deal of time that I was able to see what went wrong.  I didn't recognize that my "enthusi-ism" and extremism (over non-drinking activities) was just as bad as my extreme and enthusiastic drinking/using was.

The answers came from vigilance in personal inventory, prayer and an attitude of self sacrifice at home. I exerted myself in those areas and put my personal wants on hold, one day at a time.  It wasn't any easier to swallow than the first time and I experienced some discontent.   But in time the basis of my wants changed and I became filled with enthusiasm for family, faith, and fellowship.  My "content-ment" shifted and I began to see the nature of my problem.  Over enthusiasm and extremism are forms of emotional insobriety.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up early and my mental state during prayer was a lot more coherent.

Today I was preoccupied with a final and a book report all morning.  I worried that I would not get them done.  Eventually I did but I had to accept that they would not be done as well as I would like.

I haven't written an evening review in 2 weeks and a lot has happened during that time.  I may go back and fill in the events that were spiritually significant.

Tonight my son had a baseball game.  I was proud of him for playing well but even more so for keeping his composure even though his team lost badly.  I was also proud of my other son (the autistic one) for his social interaction with other children during the game.

Thanks be to God.