This morning we all woke up on time and in good spirits, we got off to a good start for the first day of school.

As the kids entered the car my oldest son closed his door without looking back just as his little brother was boarding behind him.  Son #2's hand got trapped in the closed door.  I was overcome with terror as I saw the little one screaming with his hand trapped.  I imagine bones crushed and flesh ripped.  I yelled at my older son to open the door which he frantically tried.  When the boy was freed I checked him and didn't see any blood or dangling fingers.  Nevertheless I yelled angrily at the big brother and hit him on the chest.  My wife was hysterical at this point yelling at me that it wasn't his fault and to console him while she consoled the little one.  The big brother was sobbing with tears at this point.  I realized that he just had a careless moment that anyone could have.  I realized that I overreacted and needed to get control of my feelings.  Even though I felt bad for him, I had to let him go through his feelings for a moment.  Seeing that the little one miraculously did not seem injured I checked the door and found that the door is designed with a gap where it comes together with the body.  After things settled for a moment I pulled the older brother over and showed him the gap and assured him that little brother was not seriously hurt.  I apologized for losing my temper and tried to give him words of comfort and understanding.  I felt bad for both boys but they were both able to go on and have a great day.  I had to pray for forgiveness and self control.

I had an appointment to report in for work study at school.  As  I drove there, I began to rethink the whole proposition and concluded that it may be untenable and a poor choice.  I called my wife to discuss it with her.  She immediately launched into a tirade about being tired of working her ass off and she hung up on me.  She called me back and we were still not able to communicate civilly.  I did go in and sign up for an interview and Worked through my uncertainty.  I came away with a feeling of optimism and new ideas of how the experience will be of benefit despite the financial inefficiency.  By the end of the day my wife and I made nice with each other.

I was grateful that my kids had a great first day at school.
I am grateful for financial aide for my books.
I am grateful that my dad bought shoes for my kids.
I am grateful that I got to spend one on one time with my older son on an errand this evening.
I am grateful that my wife has a forgiving attitude to me.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I had to exert myself to stick to my prayers.  My mind wanted to bounce from thought to thought chaotically.  It seems that I have drifted into this pattern over the last few days.

I was disappointed that I didn't wake up on time and neither did the kids.  I had to catch myself and resist chastising them and take responsibility for it myself.  We weren't terribly late but if it had been a school day we would not have been on time.  I started out the morning with depressed feelings about lacking energy and initiative.  But I drew a sense  of encouragement from having completed my prayers with effective meditation on my virtue goals.  Then, after breakfast, the realization came that Wednesday was a physically and emotionally exhausting day, that's all.  I did not back slide, I just was having a little understandable fatigue.

After we got going, it turned out to be a productive day.  I was grateful to get the kids active outside in the morning and then get some school support service tasks in order.  I had a good talk with my daughter's pre-school director.  My wife took the older kids to their "meet the teacher" appointments.

All day I had to catch myself griping at the kids and work to handle things systematically.  There was a point where I was too harsh with my words to my oldest son when he was whining.  But he seemed to respond to it and later we made amends.

In the evening my parents took myself and my kids to buy shoes for school.  We had a nice dinner back home and watched the 2003 LLWS quarter final game.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This Thursday morning I had a hard time getting started.  I did get us going, we walked to the park. There was a moment when I was teaching my older daughter how to throw a disc properly and she was insisting on throwing it with her non-dominant arm.  She was very stubborn and threw a fit and cried that she did not throw it that way.   I found myself getting irritable and impatient.  I almost got very harsh with her but instead sent her for a cool down.  After a bit we tried again and she was able to get it.  But I realized that I had been throwing with her before and had not realized that she was throwing right handed.  I was able to be more sympathetic, patient and aware of the smaller increments of the process that I had to teach her.  I was able to do so and she responded.  Later this made me think more generally about how often I have seen this in my life in various settings where the necessary increments of training are neglected.

After the park trip and some yard work, I was never able to be very productive (aside from feeding the kids) the rest of the day.  My wife worked all day so I was home alone with the kids.  I had an aimless feeling at times but I was able to get things done.

We talked again about the loss of our dog and how much she meant to our family and how she is in doggy heaven which the kids now call "Rainbow Bridge."

Thanks be to God.

This morning we rose fairly early in keeping with my plans for this week.  The kids are home again for this last week of summer and I want to keep them active and on schedule for school next week.

Around noon I had to practice patience as my wife had friends visit.  My house was full of people when I didn't really want it to be.

I did some batting practice with my oldest son and I cleaned the area in the back corner of my yard behind the fence to park our boat.  I am journaling this because I felt aimless and unproductive later in the day but it was not true.  I also had to do a lot of cleaning and cooking as my wife didn't rise with us in the morning.

I did feel some fatigue and took a long nap in the afternoon.  I think I may have a bug as I have had some congestion the past two nights.  Again I log this so that I don't overdo the sense of not doing enough.

I had to watch for the arousal of resentment today when reviewing the deed restriction violation of having my boat parked in the yard on the side of the house which I received from our neighborhood management services.  I am grateful to have a house.  I think I need to sell the boat.

Over the past few days I thought some again about the problem of the will.  I've had some ideas about this that I believe to be at the core of the addiction problem.  I believe it to be the main reason why the 12 step program is so effective.  The right words finally came the other day.  But now I can't remember them.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This Tuesday morning I had a dream sometime.  In the dream I was living in my addiction.  I don't remember the details, I just remember chopping and lining out blow and chasing more and constantly slaving to keep it up.

This Thursday I got the kids up on time and we went to the park all morning again.   Then my sons played with their friends outside the rest of the morning.  I felt successful at keeping them active.  It even rubbed off on me as I was motivated to do extra yardwork all the way to lunchtime and never felt unproductive today.

In the afternoon after the kids settled in during the heat of the day, one of their friends came to the door on his bike.  After I informed him that the kids would be out again later, he rode his bike through my freshly watered yard creating a huge trough.  I ran back outside and griped at him to get out of the mud.  He then continued to ride through it.   Later, I looked out the window and he was doing it again for fun.  I had to practice patience and tolerance while assertively scolding him for it.

Every time I went outside and saw that my yard and driveway looked like a dirt bike track I had to resist my anger.  I caught myself calling him a little F@#%head in my head and I had to stop.  After several iterations of this, I had to imagine him as Jesus.

This Wednesday morning I had a dream that I was smoking pot.  I don't remember any details but it was worth noting that I had this dream. In thinking back to it, I believe that this may be evidence of the effect of long term behaviors to create psychodynamic forces.

This afternoon I had a thought about proof of the existence of God and supernatural power.  It was prompted by a story about a boy who came back to life after drowning and being dead for 15 minutes.  I recalled that I could not believe even when I wanted to, or at least knew that I needed to.  I see now that I could not believe because I demanded proof of miracles.  I needed incontrovertible proof of defiance of the physical laws of the universe.  But in my quest for faith I realized that the type of...(thought never completed.

This evening I went to a very interesting meeting.  It was a new 12 step meeting on Wednesday night, something I had been wishing for for a long time.  It was great to be there until I started to encounter the fellows who were getting it started and they gave their spiel as to the vision of the meeting.  In short they are trying to create a meeting in which people do it "right". They made a list of "suggestions" for their meeting.  These are guidelines and rules which seem to address the wrongs they see in some meetings and to cultivate a sort of 12 step utopia they have envisioned.  Some of this is well intentioned but they come across as rules.  It reminded me of all the times I have been involved in this sort of endeavor and how it is typically unnecessary and sometimes dysfunctional.  In the twelve step fellowships "we do not govern."

This morning I had a hard time getting out of bed after a long day yesterday.  I resisted the impulse to stress and anxiety getting to church.  We got there in good spirits.   When my wife and children left for children's liturgy, a family slipped into their seats.  We did a good job of adapting with out forcing them out uncomfortably.  They were able enjoy their worship with us.  Our priest did something unusual for our parish when he called a young person being deployed into the military to the altar and had us raise our hands in prayer for her and family.  This was a special, deeply inspirational moment.

During the day we did a great job as a family managing our time and limiting our leisure media activities to specific intervals.  I was able to get all the kids to do housework and we did a great cleanup.  I got to practice baseball throwing with my son who has autism.

In the evening I got to go to a 12 step meeting with a friend.  We read from the chapter "We Agnostics" about our   closed mindedness towards the concept of a Higher Power and how it is reasonable to believe.  About how we were worshipers all along and that deep down within us is the fundamental idea of God.

Interestingly enough, when I came home I saw the program "Curiosity" asking the question of whether the universe needed a creator and thus, does God exist?  It ended with Stephen Hawking concluding that a creator could not exist because time did not exist and therefore a first "cause" could not exist.  I was very disappointed because the answers seem easy.

God transcends time, he is the "beginning and the end."
God transcends the laws of nature, at least those of this universe.
We are limited to testing and measurement of the properties of this universe, thus we can only justify God's existence through experience.
The law of cause and effect can only be grasped by experience, so when we experience belief and the consequent transcendence, we experience God.

Thanks be to God.

This Saturday morning I woke up at home alone.  It was eerily quiet in my home.  It was too quiet.  I had a hard time deciding what best to do and compulsively did some yard work.

At mid-morning my resentment towards my wife began to decay.  I began to more fully accept my mistakes and turn my sentiments towards resolving them.  I saw my actions and reactions were the real source of my problems, and the only things I can control.  I gave her a call to amend our communication with each other.  It was neglectful of me not to call her last night.

I got to spend some great time outdoors in the morning.
I got to eat a great breakfast that my mom made.
I got to watch a baseball documentary with my dad.
I worried about not working on my final essay, but turned my thoughts to enjoying the day.
My sons and I conceived and implemented a baseball practice inside the house by going through reps of the throwing and hitting motions using weighted balls.
I got to attend a party in the neighbors back yard with my sons and enjoy their hospitality.
My wife and girls made it home safe.

Thanks be to God.

This Monday morning I tried to get up early and take the kids to the park.  None of them got up on time and I had to resist being disappointed that we were not there early enough.  At the park my oldest son was uncooperative and complaining.  As i tried to go through a light baseball practice with him I became impatient and demanding.  At one point I looked at the expression on his face and remembered back to when I was a kid and when the game ceased to be fun.  I had to adapt some flexibility while retaining some discipline.  I let him sit down after he completed some very basic throws and when his ire passed I invited him to join in helping his little brother whom I was then instructing.

During this time I expressed frustration at not making it outdoors early enough.  But it did work out and we made a good start to this week.  I can see that my frustration was because of my expectations and it would have been worse had I not practiced acceptance.

I spent the rest of the day keeping the kids busy and doing yard work as motivated by seeing my neighbor's yard this weekend.

At the end of the day I got into a brief disagreement with my wife when I came home from an errand and it was 8:45 p,m and the kids were watching a movie.  I told them it was bedtime because we are on a new schedule and my wife insisted that I was being mean and that they should be able to watch the movie.  I thought about being calm and assertive but eventually lost my temper and said that I give up trying, that the kids will just be fat, lazy, slackers.  My wife took this personally.  I didn't mean it as a stab at her.  But this is my genuine fear.  I can see that my fear caused my motivation to over-function and drive me blindly.  I pray that I will do better this week.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Today and I tried and tried to write an essay for my philosophy class in and couldn't seem to get anywhere.  In the afternoon I was tasked with taking my son to his therapy appointment.  I had two other kids with me and it was crowded and hot that office.  My wife was at work but was planning to meet me there and pick up one of the kids to leave on her imprompotu vacation.  I didn't want to sit there for an hour so I called her to dispute the need to meet there.  I disagreed with her plan and we argued about it.  Frustrated and with my son complaining, I took the kids on a small errand.  During that time my wife called me as she had arrived at the clinic in and and I missed it.  4 minutes later I arrived back and called her back and she was furious.

I was mad at her for not communicating well with me.  But I was just as guilty of not listening and communicating well with her.  I was angry enough to imagine her apologizing to me and me refusing to accept her apology.  I can see now that I was taking her inventory.  I need to stick to my side of the street and make amends to her for losing my cool.

This evening my wife and the girls were away on a trip to the coast.  My son's spent the night at the grand parents.  I got to go to a meeting.  Interestingly enough the topic was again read from page 24 about how the alcoholic has lost the power of choice In drink.

Thanks be to god.

This morning my prayers were very abbreviated due to the presence of our guests.  I wanted to make sure and get up early enough to cook breakfast which I was able to do.  I was able to have some early quiet time and listen to the prayers, gospel, and reflection om the daily mass on TV while cooking.

I got to go to an AA meeting at noon today.  The transition from the 3rd to the 4th step was read.  This made me think of how I thought AA was superstitious and impractical for years.  But after countless attempts at sobriety including therapists, rehabs, and other programs, when I finally took the steps I found that the program was actually the most pragmatic and practical program I had tried.  In step 3 it addressed the problem of the will, by giving me a universal standard to abide by and the evidence of "miraculous" recovery in the members of the group.  In step 4 it was practical in its examination of my behavior, thinking, and decision making (much like the other programs I tried)  but coupled with a source of power to make it effective.

This afternoon my wife phoned me with a proposition for which she was very enthusiastic.  She wanted to take a trip with the kids to a town a few hundred miles away and stay at her friend's home.  As she asked me she tried to go into details to sell me on the idea.  I had to interrupt her and let her know that I did not want her taking the kids on a long trip in our unreliable vehicles in this 105+ weather.  I didn't have any flexibility on this and I realized that I actually forbid her to take my children.  I had to make a conscious effort to avoid falling into an antagonistic attitude about this.  I had to keep my objectivity, listen to her point of view, and have a rational discussion.

Today I was able to draft the outline for my final philosophy essay.

This Tuesday I spent the morning preparing to have guests.  I had to avoid being irritable about this again.  Fortunately it was later in the afternoon before they arrived.

I was again absorbed in my philosophy work and had a feeling of futility about it.  I also had to study for my biology final.  I took the test in the afternoon and made a 92.  I was actually a bit disappointed in that I could not see how I could have missed 4 questions (out of 50).  I recognized this as a selfish demand (expectation) and resisted this attitude immediately and turned to gratitude for a great grade.  I had to mull over this several times and talk to my wife before it passed.  Thanks be to God!

 I thought about attachment and the role that it plays in the integration of the person.  I thought about how my parents provided me with a strong attachment when I was a child.  Our relations later became strained but this was when I was a teenager.  If I could identify a problem in the younger formative years I would say it was in transition to separation.  It occurred to me that a healthy attachment involves being able to keep the sense of inner security when the child is separated from the parents.  The insecurity that I recall as a child was a sense of dis-integration, that is that I was no longer held together by the presence of my parent.  I believe that my children have this, that is why they are typically okay apart from us.  Perhaps it would serve them well in their formation if I would make a more conscious effort to cultivate this.  Also this serves as an archetype for their relationship with God.  I think that if I could present them with a secure and tangible image of God as their father, protector, and guide, then I could better help them depend on him for their personal integration, that is for the parts of themselves to stay together, to feel whole.

I also had a thought about the role that an attitude of service plays in resolving the problems of daily living.  In other words, when I have a dilemma, conflict, or decision, if I am most concerned about what my function, attitude and role is as if it were my job then I am less apt to fall into resentment, stress and anxiety.   Whereas if I am looking too much at my environmental circumstances, or actions of others, or my expectations then I am certain to be discontent.

In the evening our home was chaotic with guests and their children visiting.

I am grateful to have a home to entertain guests.

Thanks be to God

This Monday morning I set out to review and synthesize Hume's model of human understanding.

My mom came and visited in the morning. We talked about the upcoming semester and the result was a greater sense of motivation for the course of action that I am pursuing.

I also spent a good amount of time on cleaning tasks in preparation for a visit from my wife's friends and their children on their vacation.  I had to resist the tendency to fall into an irritable attitude about this.

Aside from attending to the children I was completely preoccupied with my philosophy class assignments the rest of the day and late into the night.  It was the source of a little anxiety and an obstacle to doing anything else.  I was grateful for having the mental faculties to be able to make progress.

Thanks be to God.