Last night I let the kids stay up a little late (9:45) since it was Friday. Consequently, I was late getting to bed and late rising this morning. In meditation this morning I got the idea to keep the TV off all morning, that somehow we would benefit by keeping our attention in reality.

I got up feeling guilty that I did not participate in the Knights of Columbus neighborhood street cleanup which I thought was this morning. I considered whether or not it was realistic for me to think that I could do this type of event. My wife worked late last night and the kids all need to be fed and the house needed to be maintained. I see now that I just can't do it. It turns out that the event was not today. So I need to either commit to it now or accept that its not realistic for me.

This just confirmed to me that with our number of kids, only one of us parents can be away at work at any given time. Since we have chosen to follow my wife's plan, then I am the one who stays home.

I had to resist being resentful later in the morning as I was compelled to attend to one person's needs after another at the expense of my own initiatives. I found myself resenting that I get to do what I want when I want, even as basic a task as taking a shower or completing one train of thought. Then my wife asked me about a bank deposit that I was supposed to make yesterday. When I told her that I forgot, she snapped back a sarcastic question asking if I am just forgetting the most critical tasks related to money now.

At this my heart collapsed into despair and rage. Years of emotional work have diffused my anger so I didn't want to lash out at her but I did want to be done. For a moment I just wanted to check out. At the very least I didn't want to speak to her any more. My feelings reminded me of her mother. I never did get how a housewife could be depressed since they didn't have to go to a dreadful job everyday. But now I see how. When someone else makes all the decisions and you lose the sense of self efficacy, it is depressing.I felt like I was drifting into my aimlessness again.

Later I began to lose patience with the kids and raise my voice. I had to correct my son for raising his voice at me and realized that I did it first. At one point I snapped at my wife when she asked me to unload her car so she could go to work. I considered if I was displacing my feelings on them.

Finally my wife left for her task and the kids all went outside I was able to sit down and write this and gather my thoughts and examine my feelings. Now that I understand them a little better I can turn the outcomes over to God and let them pass. I remember my own plans to do yard work, clean the house, take the kids to the park, take grocery inventory, go to the hardware store, clean the garage, and take down the Christmas lights. I am glad that I kept the TV off.