This morning I got to go to my son's baseball game. He had a great time and did well despite being sick. I was slightly resentful about some coaching issues but I had to turn away from them and realize that my son is having fun and growing in skills and ability. I have to realized that my resentment is of my own fear and that I must ask God to remove it so that I can be more effective.

We had a great day and I parents came to visit.

In the evening i felt isolated and disconnected. I got to go to a meeting and here a young friend tell his story. He did a fine job and I felt much better when I came home.

Thanks be to God.

Today I was very sick with the flu for the third day in a row. I was afraid of losing my momentum in life and of losing value at work.

At times today I was resentful of having to attend to my children. I didn't have big outbreak of this I was able to simply turn away and be grateful.

My illness has been very painful, I think I have strep throat. I am worried about my son's first ball game tomorrow.

I must ask God to remove my fears and place my trust completely in him.

This morning I woke up very sick and couldn't make it to work. Thanks be to God that I was able to get off all necessary communication.

I fell into a hard, deep sleep and had weird dreams. I dreamed that my brother had 3 million dollar lottery tickets in my name. The dream went on with him living in some other location and at some point I realized that he would need me to cash them for him and I would be due a percentage.

The dream went into a different story and at one point I was at the back of an ancient church. I saw smoke coming from a ravine on the back side of the building. I found a large old wooden wall covering a hole full of boulders where the smoke was coming from. I found a water hose and started to spray it.

An elderly priest appeared behind me and said that there was a demon in the hole that he had once excorsized that was awakening. I got the impression that the priest was nearing the end of his life and that his prayers were no longer effective enough to keep the demon at bay. He seemed to be telling me that something more than water would be needed to put out this fire.

I became very frightened but nevertheless I skeptically sprayed water until the smoke cleared. I hurried away very scared and hoped for the best but in a short time I heard the beast growl and break out of the hole. I looked back from the top of the ravine and I could see an invisible creature running along and past me below.

I was very afraid but somehow lept into action. I grabbed a pole and ran down and beat the animal on the back and somehow in my fear I started saying the sign of the cross over and over. I beat and beat it and I said the sign of the cross over and over. Nevertheless when the creature vaporized and I intuitively knew it was back in the hole I was surprised.

When I woke up today I thought of the sign of the cross his way. God teh Father is in the mind, God the son is in the heart, the Holy Spirit is in the arms.

I remembered something that I thought yesterday that a prophet is someone who sees the truth of God and interprets this for people to understand. I see this as m y calling.

Later today I thought of how God does and doesn't reveal himself. I wondered if there were some connection to prosperity and suffering. I wondered i the better off we are the more we must do the work to connect ourselves to Him and the worse off we are the greater the chances he is more apt to reveal Himself to us. Perhaps on a macro scale this applies across time periods and societies.

Today I felt a pretty strong cold coming on but I made it to work. I remembered the readings from liturgy if the word for yesterday and today. I was fascinated by the old testament readings from Sirach about the Wisdom that existed before everything and the faith that will conquer all trials, victories, and suffering.

I was also unusually inspired by the Gospel reading about the one who was so possessed that he could only be healed through prayer and about the apostles who bickered about who was the greatest.

On my way to the noon meeting I realized that I felt uninspired and disconnect. Then I realized that it didn't have to be so. I realized that it is Jesus' power that heals and that I do not have faith if I don't use prayer and believe that it will work.

I immediately felt my spiritual vitality restored a little and by the time it was my turn in the meeting I felt inspired and had something to share.

This afternoon we had baseball practice at the ballpark. My son said "back at the old game!" when we got there and that is how I felt. It was a beautiful night and my son did great and we had a wonderful time in the spring like weather.

Thanks be to God.

Today at work I was extremely busy with difficult calls due to a major system change. I heard the other guys struggling a great deal with these calls. I felt like I was blessed with resourceful thinking in being able to communicate effectively while delivering unwelcome news.

I got to go to the noon meeting today. I was struck with the realization that the greatest gift I have received is the design for living. That sharing this is the greatest joy in life.

This afternoon I was forced to address the problems I have been having with my vehicle. I became resigned to the idea that at best I would have to put my truck in the shop and at worst I might not have a vehicle tomorrow for work. I tried to clean the spark plugs and I broke a wire. I got so absorbed in it after giving up a couple of times that I replaced all the plugs and the wires. It ran like a champ.

Thanks be to God.

Today I felt like I was getting sick. I managed to get the kids to mass but I went back to bed as soon as I got home. I felt bad for not going to the treatment center to the H&I meeting. I pray that someone showed up.

I got angry with my wife today when she was griping at me for sleeping. We recovered in the afternoon and I was grateful for her eventually when my parents came to visit.

My son and his best friend helped me wash our vehicles.

Today I thought some more about the bible animations that I saw yesterday. I remembered that I saw the story of James and how he and the apostles bickered over who should be the leader. Jesus taught them that they should not be worried about who the leaders were in this world but she be as little children and should love one another and forgive their enemies.

I related this to the situation with my son's baseball team.

I had an unusual train of meditation on step 1 about how when the addiction is removed the person is left with a new problem, a burned out spirit.

Going to sleep, thanks be to God.

This morning I was worried about making to baseball practice on time and I was a little resentful at my wife when I was making breakfast for the kids and she was sleeping.

At practice I was resentful that my son was grouped with the outfield kids. My son did very well today. He was the only kid to catch an outfield fly.

The coaches met at the end of the practice and I overheard them talking about my son. I heard one say he's got great spirit.

This afternoon we saw the animated story of Joseph and his ten brothers. I always heard the story with the emphasis on the final meeting with his brothers. But today I heard the story with the emphasis on his faith through both trials and good fortune. Everytime something bad happened to him through the treachery of people he trusted and no fault of his own, his persecution eventually led to a greater opportunity. Sometimes this took a long time but each opportunity would not have happened if it were not for the misfortune.

I realize now that I must have the faith of Joseph.

I have many things to be grateful for today.

Tonight I was meditating on working with newcomers and I thought of a method of having them pray a 1,2,3 step prayer every day until they reach step 11.

Dear God,
I believe that on my own I am powerless and my life is unmanageable. I believe (or I want to believe) that your are the power that will restore me to sanity. I firmly resolve and with your help to turn my will and my life over to you this day.

Amen

This morning I woke up late and I cut short my prayer time. When I got to work I jumped right into my tasks. I got up for coffee at 7:15 and as I walked past the north window on the 22nd floor I saw a brilliant reflection of the sunrise in the capitol tower. It looked like a lighthouse beacon that was infilled with power. I think of God's spirit that infills me but I absolutely must make the time for this gift.

Every day I have some low grade fear that the misguided and delusional forces around me will discover that I do not subscribe to their wills. I realize that I must grow in dependence upon the Father, that he is the real master and that I need not fear the events that occur in this world.

Today I was untethered to the winds of desire at times. I need to become more morally disciplined.

I took a walk at lunchtime and received some spiritual reparation by natural means.

I didn't get to go to a meeting today.

This evening I had to ask God to save me from being angry with my children while my wife was away at her meeting. I realized that in the back of my mind I thought it was too late and that I was already on a roll. I had to force myself to start my day over.

We had a nice evening from there on.

I had a premonition that my son will be a hero and he will have many children that will change the world.

Thanks be to God.

I got to go to the noon meeting. We read from the chapter on Step 2 in the Twelve and Twelve. I tried to be concise and limit my sharing to the 5 minute time frame. I listened to the mass tonight and was amazed at how Bishop Aymond was able to give a thoughtful but concise homily in less time. I am going to strive for this.

Tonight my son and I had baseball practice. I found myself having to set aside my unrealized expectations to see the positives.

Tonight I griped at my wife and had to make amends. Ironically I griped at her for griping at the kids. My criticism would have been ok if I would have remained sober. I lost my objectivity and therefore did no better. I am glad to see this though and to learn again.

Thanks be to God.

Today I was blessed with creativity and initiative at work.

I got to go to the noon meeting. We read from to employers.

I got too upset about losing at pimg pong. After work I went and bought a new big book used.

I spent a little money on some food that upset my wife. I was grateful that she was happy when she saw that I had gotten a bargain.

I am afraid about an expensive program that my wife signed up my autistic son for.

I am excited about baseball practice tomorrow.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Last night I went to a meeting after doing my review. I was thinking about sharing my piece of inventory, the kids took an early bath and I was thinking about needing to be accountable. The topic was the 4th step. Afterward I got to speak to a mentor and check in.

This morning my sponsor called me but I couldn't take the call.

I got to go to the noon meeting, the topic was step 2. I tried to speak about the new concept of a higher power that was different than any concept that I had ever perceived.

This evening we had our first team meeting for little league.

Today I thought some more about the idea of getting sober for your family (or any other reason other than for yourself).

I went to the meeting at noon; we read from "To Employers".

This evening my wife described her dissatisfaction with my son's teacher. I got very resentful because my son was placed in this class because of an incident with another kid and an reactionary parent. I had to pray for God to clear my heart of this anger. I had to look at how I am reacting out of fear. I had to remember that resentment is a poison to me. I had to see that giving the school a piece of my mind would just be vengeance and would not accomplish anything.

I am grateful that my son gets to go to a good school and is being taught well.

I noticed that the scripture reading from Genesis on Friday the 13th was about the fall of man. I also noticed that the Gospel reading that day was a deaf mute that was cured. I thought it was synchronous with the previous day's Gospel that could be interpreted good or bad based on the perspective of the reader. If the reader were a secular then there is no other way to interpret this than as being derisive. However a person with an open mind, inspired by the Holy Spirit can see the true message of the reading in which God teaches about humility and perseverance of faith.

Thanks be to God.

I am trying to find a prayer to the Holy Spirit like the "Come Holy Spirit" prayer, but for personal illumination before meditation.

Come Holy Spirit fill my thoughts with your wisdom and kindle in me the light of your truth.

The past two days I have been reflecting on the scripture readings this week. Each day they have started with a reading from the creation myth describing how God created everything. Then they have followed with Gospel readings in which Jesus performed healings. They seem to me to be leading to reliance upon God as the source of healing any malady including physical and mental disorders. The creation readings seem to be there for the purpose of supporting this trust and reliance by showing that God is powerful enough to create all things therefore powerful enough to heal.

I was particularly moved by Thursday's Gospel in which a woman asks for healing and Jesus at first declines because she was not Jewish and worse yet she was from a very marginalized class of people. And then worse yet he declines in a very disparaging way saying that it is not right to give the food of the children (israel) to the dogs (her people). But she has so much faith that she retorts that she is willing to take the scraps that fall from the table.

This was pretty shocking, I didn't get it, was Jesus really calling her people dogs?!

I had to look up some teaching on the reading and I instantly got it. This was a test of faith or a demonstration of real faith. His statement was meant to mimic the cruelty of the world. Jesus was using this hyperbole as a tool to give the woman the opportunity to show real, humble, pervasive, unshakable, faith in the face of grave difficulty and obstacles.

This morning we made it to mass although we were a little late. This kids behaved much better and best of all they were cognizant of doing better. During communion I could swear that i felt the presence of many angels around me as I sat in meditation. I remembered my experience of last week and realized that i had forgotten it all week. I realized that is one reason why I need to be at mass every week because I will forget.

We read about the leper that Jesus healed. I thought about how Leprosy was the most incurable, frightening, and marginalized disease of it's time. I thought of how diseases like cancer and AIDS are the incurable and frightening diseases today. I thought about how AIDS patients are very marginalized today so it fits that description. But I thought about how belief in God has the power to guide the diseased through the grave difficulties and obstacles that they face. I thought of God's power to heal even these most incurable and frightening diseases. I might be one of those healings; I should have HIV and I should have Hep B.

I also thought of how God's power can heal the fear and disordered judgmental ism of those who would ostracize the diseased.

I thought of how addiction and alcoholism fit the description of the leprosy of today also.

After mass i got to go to the treatment center for the H&I 12 step meeting. On the way I couldn't settle on a topic. As I drove down the long country roads I asked the Holy Spirit for guidance and resolved to clear my mind for a bit and let Go show me. I saw some birds ahead, they were big black buzzards all feeding on a carcass. Then I saw a bird of prey swooping down in a field for a fresh kill. Then I saw a beautiful, dignified hawk soaring above.

The meeting went well but at the end a couple of guys spoke up at the end as I was trying to close. One tried to address what another had previously asked about fear of having money and relapsing. I had already answered how i handle it but this guy told him his experience of giving his money to his sponsor who controlled a bank account for him among other things. I found myself mincing words to be brief and in the interest of closing the meeting. But I wish that I had been more resolute in stating that I don't believe in that practice because I believe that undermines reliance upon God.

Another thing happened when a couple of guys thanked me profusely and then went on to specify that it was because i had said that it was ok to get sober for you kids or your wife. They said that they had argued with others in sessions who said that they had to want it for themselves. Again I hesitated to be clear about this and to say that those who say you have to want it for yourself are not wrong but that those who are doing it for their family members are not necessarily wrong either. And also that doing it for them is possibly a form of doing it for themselves if we believe ourselves to be one with them and the disease concept describes that it engulfs the lives of those close to the sufferers.

The main thing that I needed to clarify is that my experience was that a large part of the time I wasn't doing it for me I was doing it for them but I was doing it and it work as long as I kept doing it. And in a short time I wanted it for me.

Today I noticed that my wife and I are less hesitant to disagree and argue lately. I realized that I believe that we now trust that we will not remain angry with each other. I should consider that I am slipping back into the idea that anger is a luxury that I can afford, I cannot.

Thanks be to God for a great day and a great weekend.

This Friday I thought about how many times I must pray for God to remove my lust when it crops up. I thought of how each time I make the sign of the cross for this it is strong enough for me to need God's help. I thought of how this may have a cumulative effect on me. I thought of how it might leave a spec each time that over time accumulates and dims the clarity of connection to God's power.

I didn't get to go to a meeting Friday.

I prayed with my kids in the evening.

Today I got to go to the noon meeting. We read about step one.

This evening I got angry at my wife for griping at me about the girl's room. I prayed for God to remove my anger and I did not react verbally. I felt better in time and she apologized. I realized that it wasn't that important and I got too attached to my way.

It was a good day.

Today & yesterday I listened to a parenting CD that is helping me to finally develop the parenting principles that I so desperately need.

I thought a little more today about Pastor Haggard and his fall. I thought about how when I saw his struggles I cease caring about my political or religious differences or my judgments about him. I simply identified with him in his disease. I was grateful that I have been blessed with an understanding

Today I realized that I have been living in fear of helping my co-workers. I have withheld at times in order to make sure that I look good enough.

This evening my son said "Dad I like to get lost with you". He meant when I take him for a drive somewhere we have never been. But I took it metaphorically as I think that together when we share this experience we make a unique connection. It may be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

This evening my baby daughter said Da-Da in a blissful moment when I was pushing her on her swing.

At noon we read about tradition twelve. A friend talked about how he knows someone who when asked how much clean time he has answers same as you, 24 hours. He said the guy doesn't like to state his time because it places too much emphasis on time. He offered some other observation that didn't expand on the concept much but this resonated with me and is inspiring me to pursue this concept a little further as I have made this observation also. I guess the simple fact is that it is about quality of spirit rather than quantity of time.

Tonight I got to see a program about Pastor Ted Haggard. I was deeply moved by his struggle. I was even more shaken by the realization of the gift I have been given of understanding and purpose.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I ha a hard time waking up but I had time to pray and meditate and read the daily scriptures. The first reading was the beginning of the creation where God created the heavens and the earth. This morning I noted that the sequence of creation seemed out of order in that the story tells of God creating the earth first and the the sky, and the luminous bodies. I realized that from a faith perspective this is the right order. That while the universe is immense that beings are greater. The reading composed a great image that served to re-substantiate God's grandeur to me. It served to smash the subtle doubts that gradually and imperceptibly accumulate.

The Gospel reading was a picture of the masses that gathered around the Lord and were healed. I didn't realize that so many had beene healed this way. I was intrigued by the account of so many being healed by merely touching his robe. I wondered if this were a metaphor for the way that his grace reaches to everyone in the world even to those who do not see him fully.

I remembered sometime yesterday that I heard the question of why God didn't heal everyone. The answer was that he did when he gave himself on the cross. Everyone received healing and eternal life.

Tonight I read Fr. Barron's latest youtube video. His description of encountering Christ of knowing he is there just out of sight is just like mine. I am not sure f I have written about it lately but I still get the ringing in my ears in spiritually inspired moments and I have been seeing the pinpoint of light opening up from time to time.

Today I got to go to the noon meeting. We read from the family afterward starting on page 125. I saw the pages that we read in a much clearer light. I saw a few major points that were an overall context that I had not seen before. I saw a theme of over enthusiasm in many different areas of life that can be as inconsiderate to the family as drinking was even though they are good. I saw how I had done all of these and failed to stay sober. I saw that I had been emotionally, morally, and intellecually as abusive as I had been with alcohol. I saw that many times I had seen it too but just as with alcohol I had leaned too heavily on will power.

I got to go to the noon meeting

This morning I took the two toddlers to mass. I was grateful that they did a little better. We still had problems but I also did better in not getting too mad. Our priest gave a wonderful homily about the problem of suffering and the healing grace of the Lord.

I had an interesting experience during communion when I sat down and was focusing on union with the Lord. My daughter was fidgeting and I thought I felt a hand on my shoulder, it felt like the Lord. Then she was caressing my arm and I thought i felt many little hands on me like angels.

My wife did the children's liturgy at 11:00. Afterward she forgot to come straight home. She forgot that I had the meeting at the treatment center. I got angry for a moment and then prayed for God's to remove it. I decided that it would be too late for me to make it I realized that I should let God decide that and I instantly knew what the answer was.

When I got to the meeting the guys were about to start without an outside chairperson. We had a great meeting.

I had a great day the rest of the day with the family.

Last night I didn't make a post because I posted my story on a sobriety website. I noted tonight that I have been doing an evening review verbally with the kids every night when I pray with them. It just dawned on me the importance of teaching this to them. I need to do it more deliberately.

Today I had the same sins as usual, I spoke rudely to the kids, I had brief sexual thoughts, and I didn't try hard enough to help others.

Today the good things I did were:
I watched the Nest Family movie about Jesus - Son of God with the kids.
I did some maintenance to the kids playscape to make it more secure and add another slide.
I did some major yardwork and cleaning.
I did some baseball practice with my son.
I let my wife sleep all afternoon and did not get resentful.
I bathed all four kids and fed them bedtime snacks.

Thanks be to God.

Today I am thankful for peace of mind, perseverance, and intuition on a low energy day.

Today at the noon meeting we read some pages that we had just recently read. For some reason I just didn't have creative, structured thinking. I spoke in a sort of stream of consciousness manner but at least it was cohesive. I doubt if anyone quite understood but I did. I was a little disappointed but I tried to carry the message today and so I find comfort in having done step 12.

Tonight I thought of a simple angle that I could have shared from. I realize now that I was in a low grade state of emotional disturbance and fear.

This evening was another blessed evening with my family.

Thanks be to God.

Today at the noon meeting we read from To Wives. I got to read...

You would suppose that men in the fourth classification would be quite hopeless, but that is not so. Many of Alcoholics Anonymous were like that. Everybody had given them up. Defeat seemed certain. Yet often such men had spectacular and powerful recoveries.

I thought about how all recoveries are spectacular and powerful in their own right.

Tonight I was in the bathroom thinking about part of my story. Without realizing it I started talking out loud. When I came out my wife started questioning me about who I was talking to... LOL.

A good day.

This morning while waiting for my work terminal to run updates I caught a bright spot on the horizon looking east. I watched teh morning sky for teh next ten minutes and saw the first beads of the sun's light peep over the edge of the world.

On my walk to the noon meeting I was very distracted by my last caller's dillema and I was late. I prayed feebly for centering and resolved to continue.

I walked up to the meeting and there were two guys standing outside. I didn't think it was enough to constitute a real meeting and my expectations were low.

We read the last few paragraphs of the chapter on step 12 in the twelve and twelve about the transformation from self centered worldliness to other centered spiritually minded people. A guy shared an analogy about old-self new self in which the old self is like a house with a grandiose facade but when you enter it is just a shack with no substance. It occurred to me that this is a great analogy for the spiritual life. That my previous world view was a facade with no substance on the inside. And conversely, the spiritual life looked like an inadequate shelter to me when I first considered it. But when I entered it was much larger than I expected. Not only was it much larger but it was full of great treasures. It proved to be a great mansion.

Today I am thankful for the fruits of the spiritual life that God blessed me with this weekend.

Yesterday I finally got to fix the window that I broke this time last year. This helped me to see that we have not had that type of anger in our home in all that time.

Today I woke up late and tired but we made it to mass.

This afternoon I got to go to the CA H&I meeting at the treatment center. I had trouble finding spiritual clarity this morning so I brought a topic on step 3 on why it's important to make that commitment so that when I am unclear about why I need to do some spiritual work that I just do it on my spiritual schedule motivated by my 3rd step commitment. Is it time to pray? Is it time for a meeting? Is it time for inventory? Have I missed spiritual tasks?

Today I had a bit of dilemma over my son's friend, the kid I suspect of stealing from him. I saw him pick up a toy and hide it beside him in his hand. He snuck around the corner of the house. I looked out another window and he was sneaking up on my son and pretending to stab him. This and several other things today made me angry at that kid. It made me want to run him off. I know I need to keep a charitable spirit toward him but I am concerned that he is older and his family is teaching a criminal culture to him and he is bringing it to my young son and his friends. Plus I have seen him walking out of our house before in that same sneaky way.

God save me from being angry and self righteous, Thy will not mine be done. God please show me what the right thoughts and actions should be.

This evening i got to spend time with my Dad watching the super bowl. We got to talk about our family members that are suffering from their self-will. I hope that I was able to be helpful.

Thanks be to God for the fruits of the spiritual life.