This morning I struggled to wake up and my prayers were groggy.

At noon i got to go to the meeting, we finished step 4 in the 12x12 and started tradition 4. I noted that a sentence says that the group must conform to principles for it's survival just like the individual. This tied in nicely to step 4 and it's lesson that personal conformance is the secret to a joy filled life not circumstances, people, or things.

This evening my son's baseball team was blessed with another win. A good time was had all around.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we read about Lazarus raised from the dead by the Lord. Our Deacon gave the homily and said that this should get us to think about our Lenten conversion. He said that we should ask ourselves how we have been converted this Lent. I thought about how recently I have felt a distinct increment of spiritual growth.

I have resolved to live in the world of the Spirit more.
I have resolved to be more open about my faith.
I have resolved to be a more consistent demonstration of my faith.

I have received the fruits of the spirit more.
I have received gratitude more.
I have been more awake to the still small voice of God.

After mass i went to the treatment center meeting. On the way there I had a phone call with a sponsee. After the meeting I got to meet with another sponsee.

On the way home I stopped at the store for some dinner items. At the checkout my card was declined. I went home and picked up some cash and went back and never had blame, resentment, or significant embarrassment. I just able to just deal with it. When I came home I got to practice sliding into home with my son. In the evening we watched a program about the pliosaur.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Today was a truly spectacular day.

I woke up to a spiritual experience from my dreams.
The kids all joined me in bed as we woke up joyous and laughing in a new day together.
My wife woke up with us and we cooked a pancake breakfast.
The wind was roaring out of the north and the sky was bright blue and everything is brilliant spring colors.

My son had a ball game at one o'clock. I wanted to get there early to get the boys warmed up at batting. As the I started to anticipate the game I found myself stressing about being early and how they would do. I resolved to keep it in perspective no matter what the missteps and no matter what the outcome. I didn't get there early but I got there on time.

It was an outstanding game against one of the best teams. The other team's players were better skilled and better coached. But our boys surprised us all and stepped up a notch and played a better game. They won their first game, we were all ecstatic!!

In the afternoon I chaperoned the toddlers while they rode bikes in the circle. I cleaned out our junk pile for bulky pick up. I was tire and didn't think I could handle cooking but I found a second wind and made a barbecue. My wife wasn't feeling well and fell asleep but I had the energy to handle it. She had to work tonight but I made it through that ok and now I lay me down to sleep.

Thanks be to God.


In the afternoon

This Saturday morning I woke up at 2:15 from a bad dream.

In the dream I was talking to a friend in the alley next to my childhood home while my kids played in the house. We were talking about some other people and the things they did. We saw smoke in the sky and went to investigate. As I walked to the end of the long alley fear gripped me when I realized that the smoke was coming from my house. I ran in the house hoping that the fire was in a place that I could put it out. I couldn't remember where the fire extinguisher was.

Remarkably I ran straight to the sink and pulled it out. The fire started behind a wall behind an appliance but I couldn't see exactly where it was. I couldn't remember how to use the fire extinguisher and I couldn't see very well. I managed to pull the safety ring and shoot the extinguisher but it was only coming out in spurts because I wasn't sure how to use it. I managed to get much of the fire out but I wasn't sure that it didn't spread to the attic.

I ran out outside and around to see and went into a panick when I saw that it did. I thought in fear of what my parents would think if I burned down their house. I kept using the extinguisher from inside and outside the house until it ran out but, the fire spread.

At this point the finality of losing the house and all my necessities and possessions was beginning to set in. Much of the house was damaged and I saw a fire truck pull out of a fire house. Even if they put it out the house will have too much damage and water damage. I thought that all my children were accounted for but I thought about how we would be homeless from this point on. I thought about how incomfortable and tragic this day would be. I wondered where my kids would eat and rest and play and take naps. I wondered where we would eat and sleep tonight. I desperately tried to screw on the water hose on the side of the house as the fire raged above me. I screamed no, no, NO, NO!!! And then I woke up.

I went to sleep after being grateful and praying.

I had another dream in which I accidentally drowned a puppy when I peed in a box where he was sleeping. Then I had a long detailed dream that I was trapped with my family in my house by aliens that said they were taking over the world. But then a helicopter landed and some very tall very strange people came in on a rescue mission. They told me they were my cousins. I didn't know if this were a rouse or they really meant it. They trapped the aliens and escorted them out.'

In the morning I prayerfully considered what these dreams were. I thought about how I haven't written inventory 3 times this week. I think these dreams were a vision of the spiritual battle within. I need to know danger of my house burning down if I don't keep out the aliens through personal inventory and prayer.

I was not paying attention in the house when the fire started.
I really couldn't see where the fire was.
I couldn't remember how to put the fire out.
The fire extinguisher was expired and not working well.

This Friday morning I was grateful that I woke up early without a hangover.

I had to turn away the impulse to flirt this morning. I thought about how this seems innocent and controlled in the conscious part of my thinking but how it resonates in my subconscious and I do not know how those thoughts will behave there. If they grow there then they could breed discontent and restlessness.

I got to go to the noon meeting. We had it in a different space today due to some cleaning that was going on at the church. We read from Jim's story. I thought about how I related to him in that he didn't have a severely disordered childhood but he did come from a low social class. Nevertheless he didn't blame this for his alcoholism. He did however recognize it as a pathological disorder, and he was a doctor.

I loved the lightning storms in the morning and the cool blue skies in the afternoon.
I was grateful for creativity, efficiency, and initiative at work.

In the evening I had to take care of the kids by myself while my wife went to her meeting. At times I wasn't as attentive as I should be. At times I griped disrespectfully at God's children too much.

In the end my son and I cleaned up and we went to bed with a clear conscience, albeit exhausted.

I am writing this inventory on Saturday morning because I passed out before doing so Friday night.

Thanks be to God.

Today was a very good day, I am grateful for...

a reasonable workload,
a taco breakfast,
some great insight and inspiration,
the noon meeting that I got to go to and listen,
The texts from my wife from her new phone,
an awesome ping pong match (even though I lost),
that we didn't have hail and tornadoes at my house,
to get to watch my wife try on new clothes,
to get to go to a company party at a super nice restaurant,
to have good times with friends,
to get to come home to a nice home and a loving family... sober,

Thanks be to God!

This morning I thought about faith and reason and science. I thought about them as three overlapping circles which intersect and compliment each other. I thought about how this is the current evolutionary step of mankind.

This morning I was concerned about not doing inventory 2 times this week. I took a quick assessment of my spiritual disciplines and then continued in meditation. Later in the morning in a thought filled moment I realized that waves of materialistic and judgemental thinking were lapping at my psychic doorstep.

This Thursday I got to go to the noon meeting and read about objections to the 4th step. I remembered how I didn't think I needed a moral inventory and how I couldn't see that it could possibly have anything to do with my sobriety. In looking at my reasons for drinking I just thought that I liked to party and that I wasn't trying to fill some need or drown my sorrows or drink to cope.

I made it through this day free from any resentments making me irritable.
I made it through this day without have feeling restless and thinking something was missing.
I made it through this day without having any emotional disturbance recur and foster discontent.

I got to go to the ballfield this evening and have practice with my son and accept his efforts, appreciate his successes, and enjoy our time together.

I didn't have to react to my wife's gripes and I looked at my own selfishness.

I got to have another sober day full of joy and peace with friends at work and at home.

Thanks be to God.

I almost didn't go to the noon meeting today. If I hadn't gone then I wouldn't have heard a guy say that he really appreciates the dedication of those of us who come regularly. I didn't get to share but I am kinda grateful because I got to focus on what I heard.

This afternoon when I walked out of our building a guy called out my name at the bus stop. He said that he had just got out of the rehab and he remembered me. I regret that I didn't ask him his name.

This evening I got to go to my son's baseball game. When I got there I was disappointed in a few things:
The head coach was just making the lineup.
The assistant coach drew the batter's box wrong.
There were no other assistants there getting the kids warmed up.
I had to get batting warmups going and they had no intention of doing them.
The coach didn't have anyone ready to run the scoreboard box.
The pitching coach makes the boys take the first pitch which wastes a pitch.

My Dad came to the game and he stood next to the dugout grumbling about the poor coaching. I had to chase the kids and I too got irritated at the lack of preparation.

After the game we had dinner with my folks. When they left I went out and talked to my apart from the kids and told him that I agreed with him about the poor coaching and I went through the laundry list of criticisms of them. This just fed my Dad's resentment.

Afterward I felt remorseful. I felt that I had done exactly what I heard Fr. Barron talking about last night, I had slandered. I had borne false witness. I had spoke critically about the coaches behind their back. This is dishonest because I would not say this to them directly.

Afterward I thought about I need to work on doing more to help rather than just criticize. I need to get there early and line up the boys for warmups. I need to learn how to use the scoring box. I need to offer to do a lineup.

I need to be grateful that my son gets to play ball and that men are willing to coach. I should have a forgiving and grateful spirit and build them up rather than knock them down.

A woman approached me at the ballgame and said that she knew me from a meeting. I should have asked how she was doing in sobriety. But I didn't I guess as a matter of boundaries.

Thanks be to God for a good day.

This morning we got off to a good reasonably early start and we made it to mass on time. The kids were reasonably well behaved and my wife never got too upset with them. During the mass our priest announced that the lady who was scheduled to lead the children's liturgy of the word had called in sick. The children had already started to gather. a lady stepped up to lead and my wife and the little ones went to help.

Our priests were in great spirits and joked and went along with the shortcomings of the staff and gave a great liturgy. The reading was about Jesus healing the blind man. Our priest gave an excellent homily about minimalization, denial, spiritual blindness and divine inspiration.

I got to go to the Rehab center for the meeting. I was there right on the hour and had to get the meeting started. Two other regulars showed up but no one else from my home group. We on the panel gave good talks and the guys there shared some good stuff. Afterward I got to meet with a guy who is willing to do the work and is surrendered in enough critical areas to move through the work at a decent pace.

This afternoon we got to have a nice hamburger cookout with my Dad and Mom and played washers and talked about my childhood and when I payed baseball.

Thanks be to God for a great day.

This morning my wife had a garage sale so I was alone with the kids until 3:00. By the end of the day I was pretty irritable.

We had a good morning and we had a pancake breakfast and the kids watched their religious cartoons. They played with me and they played in the sandbox. My oldest son played with his friends.

I had a bad dream last night that my middle son got lost at a fishing camp down by a river. I was grateful to see him in the morning.


I also woke up in the middle of the night and felt sick achey. At mid morning I felt this way again. I was grateful that by late afternoon I felt better.

I really wanted to go to confession today but I didn't. I felt bad about this.

I got to take my son for some batting practice. I was very grateful that he is so enthusiactic these days. He really likes to practice and he stays focused and follows directions. I couldn't pitch very well but when I threw them good he hit 'em.

I got to go to a meeting tonight. The topic was job or no job, wife or no wife we simply do not recover unless we put dependence upon God instead of dependence upon people.

Thanks be to God for the o blessings I have received today.

Today I had to cover for a guy who is out at work and I had to paddle hard to keep my head above water. I was worried about dropping something through the cracks or getting behind.

At noon I took a walk down the street where the music festival is going on. I stopped and listened to a great band. I almost stayed outside and walked instead of going to my meeting but I chose to go. There were some people there that I had never seen including some here for the festival.

This evening I took my son to baseball practice. I found myself in disagreement with some lack of organization and I got angry when my son was moved from first base and a kid that was not as good was put there. I found myself think judgmentally about the kid's skills and initiative and physical shortcomings compared to mine. I also found myself gloating. I had to turn away from that thinking and do what God would have me do and just be as helpful that kid as possible and also to the team and coaches. I found myself to be deeply grateful for the son that I have and the wife who takes great care for him and didn't let him be obese.

Thanks be to God for a wonderful day and a great life.

Last night I dreamed of a beast. I dreamed that I was hunting for deer with a guide. We were staked by a river to take advantage of a path where the animals came on shore. We saw one pass but it was not adequate. A very large one emerged but it rushed out aggressively as if it knew we were there and intended to stalk us. I jumped out of the water so fast that the guide could not draw a bead for a shot. Then it circled back around us and trapped us against the water.

Just when I got panicked a guy emerged from a different direction and challenged the beast to take him. It went for the bait and ran past us. As it ran past I saw that it was a huge tiger not a deer. The guide and I ran up some stairs and into a house that appeared and slammed the door behind us. We immediately realized that we needed to help the guy outside so we opened the door and started yelling to distract the tiger. It worked and the tiger looked at us.

But the guy was so intent on taming the tiger that he didn't take his opportunity to run into the house. He looked at us like we were still in danger. Then the tiger pounced on him. It was horrifying, I saw him duck out of the way but the tiger had him by the foot and was mauling him. I had to turn away.

Today I was anxious about keeping up at my job.
Today I was thinking too much about how good I looked.
Today I was worried about our finances.

At lunch I got to go to our meeting. We spoke about tradition three. I talked about how I couldn't identify as an alcoholic but thank Go that the only requirement was that I had a desire to quit drinking. I was there because I needed to quit drinking to stop using drugs. Later when I got a better understanding of alcoholism, I broke through some denial, and I gained back some memories, I was able to admit that I was an alcoholic.

In admitting the common problem of alcoholic addiction I found unity with people that I otherwise might not mix with. But then in the spiritual solution to an unmanageable life I found unity with the whole world.

last night my wife was very sick. Today she was much better, thanks be to God.

This evening I got to take my son to baseball practice. We went for ice cream afterward. At home I got to play with the babies and throw a ball with son #2. Then we watched the final innings of USA vs. PR and USA pulled it out in the bottom of the ninth.

Thank you God for a great day.

Today I got to go to the noon meeting. I had to leave before speaking but i got to read and hear what I needed to hear.

I was grateful to finally get my glasses this evening.
I got to meet with a sponsee later. We worked the first three steps. During the the third step prayer I forgot one of the lines and he burst into his own prayer.
It was the best third step I've ever done.

Tonight my wife was sick so I had to handle the kids b myself.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we got off to church late but we got there on time. My wife got stressed out with the kids and i felt that it was because she didn't wake up until 9:30. But, I had to let it go and just remember that it is more important for me not to stay angry and to forgive her.

Our priest gave a very good homily about being between a rock and a hard place. Our first reading was from exodus about Moses getting water from a rock. He drew the analogy of being stuck between a rock and a hard place. That the hard place as our expectations, anxieties, and doubts and that the water from the rock as God's ability to solve them. The Gospel reading was Jesus giving water to the Samaritan woman and about the living water.

I thought about my spiritual experience and about my doubts and eventual surrender and leap of faith. I also thought about how this works today about how when trouble comes and I can't see a possible resolution that I must still believe in the living water from the rock.

After mass i went to the treatment center meeting. We guys on the panel were a little flat but solid. we had a good meeting and a guy asked me to sponsor him. I thought about stressing the important of surrender. I though about how important it is to explain what working a step entails; the study (and writing), the guidance, and the prayer or affirmation. I gave him an assignment and told him to give me checkin calls. I forgot to tell him to call me even if he fails to do everything.

When I left I talked to my sponsee that I didn't hear from yesterday. We are going to meet tomorrow afternoon.

Afterward I went to pick up my glasses. I put them on and found that I made a mistake in not ordering bifocals. I found that my vision has gotten worse and that I don't have a choice. I had left with my readers but decided that I had to go back and exchange them. I was very disappointed. I am grateful that God gives me the assertiveness to go back and do the right thing but it is going to cost more and I can't see how we can afford it. I also have to practice some delayed gratification and wait until tomorrow. Nevertheless I am grateful that I will get the glasses that I need.

In the afternoon I got to practice baseball with my son.
This evening I got to play chess with my son.
This afternoon another guy asked me to sponsor him.

I don't know how I am going to fit in all that is going on in my life but thanks be to God that he can spring forth water from a rock.

This morning we had to stay inside because of the weather. I got to say a prayer with each of my children. I helped them to watch our Saturday morning religious programming.

I got to go to a meeting tonight.

I am grateful that I got to go buy glasses today.
I am grateful that I got to eat crab cakes for breakfast and steak for lunch.

Today I saw people at the optical store behaving like spoiled tyrants. I thought about how people in society today have things so good that they essentially live like kings. I thought about how I as a child used to feel like I should have been born into royalty. I used to think it might be evidence of reincarnation. I realized also that is why I had a problem with self-centeredness.

Thanks be to God.

Today I got some words of encouragement from my boss. I struggle to take compliments well especially in this case where it doesn't necessarily make me feel any more secure. I think this stems from the fact that my value system is just so different than theirs.

Tonight I had to practice some tolerance in our home as my wife got angry with me for not doing a better job with the kids. It was my fault for watching a little tv.

I get tired of not meeting peoples expectations. I need to give this to God.

Overall it was a good day. I did good at work and finished my review. I got to play a game of ping pong. I didn't indulge my hunger this morning and I ate fish for lunch and dinner. I made the dinner for my mom and I and the kids. I bathed the kids while my wife went to her meeting. I got to spend some fun time with each of my beautiful children. Now its time for the weekend.

Thanks be to God.

This was the toughest morning of the week. I had a really hard time waking up this morning. I was very tired at work at times. But, I noticed just how much less of an issue this is today than it was in the past. It's like there is a long time in which a reserve of stamina must be recovered and built up.

I had a work evaluation today that I forgot about. It was very unnerving. It is difficult because the behavioral expectations of the people in my workplace are based on principles that differ from those which i live by. I also am just do not feel like i am as swift a thinker as they are. Nor am i as involved in the business or work culture as they are.

Nevertheless, I got through the review with a good rating and my bosses told me that I had shown great improvement. Thanks be to God.

Last night I had a conversation with a guy who went to the Lenten Mission with us. He asked many intellectual questions about faith which threw me for a loop. I felt at times that he was intentionally putting together difficult phrases and not entirely making sense or purposely making overly complex arguments. It was as if he kept trying to goad me into contradicting myself and at times I struggled not to. At one point I realized that I was misstating the conviction that I should hold about my faith.

I realized that this may be a form of disordered thinking, of intellectualism. The ISM is the over-value of intellect as the sense of self worth. Intellectualism becomes a form of excessive pride and self-righteousness. In the case of last night it becomes so dis-ordered that the person can begin to use it as a tool to build oneself up and demean others or prop up one's opinion. I think in this case it is so bad that one could be making false or meaningless statements as leverage.

It bothered me that I may be relying too heavily on pleasing people and watering down my faith. I need to develop a deeper conviction to the truth of my faith. I am sorry Lord for straying from the firmness of truth toward relativism.

Thanks be to God for all the blessings and graces that I have received today.

Today I got to go to the noon meeting, we read from AA #3. I thought about my last blackout and how my life is a dream now. I thought about my faith must go through my hands and my feet in order to get to my heart. The belief in my head is not faith until it goes through my hands and my feet to my heart.

Tonight 3 of my friends came to the Lenten Mission w/Fr. Charles Van Winkle, with me.

It was outstanding.

Thanks be to God.

Yesterday I got to go to the noon meeting. Yesterday was a busy day at work. Last night i got a free truckload of sand. It was a lot of work but I think it is important to take advantage of the gifts that God gives me.

When I arrived home my wife had to leave to go to the Lenten mission at the church. I was faced with the difficult task of unloading the sand, watching the kids (all 4), and bathing the afterward. I had to persevere to live up to the commitment I made Sunday to support this. I even had to motivate my wife to go. Thankfully she did, And thankfully I was able to get the sand done.

When she came home she had the glasses that I ordered on the web. Unfortunately they were way too small and looked cheap. I was very disappointed. I wanted to descend into a great deal of remorse, self pity, and blame. I had to pray for God to remove my self-centered fear and resentment. I had to see that I was to blame not my wife. I had to repeatedly turn it over all night and use my will to keep doing this even though I was still feeling it. I had to realize that at some level I had doubt of God's power. I had to realize that I had an expectation for immediate relief and that it would take repetition and some time to pass. My remorse subsided considerably but not completely. I had to practice some acceptance.

My wife was mad at me for the disaster that the house was in. I had to resolve not to think that the mission was a mistake and to just let her be mad and not react.

Thanks be to God that we made it to bed in gratitude and peace.

This morning I had remorse over the wasted money on the glasses again but it passed with God's help.

I got to go to the noon meeting. We talked about step 3.

This afternoon I got a thought out of the blue for a few seconds of the inside of a bar and an ice cold beer on the way home. I prayed for it to be cleared from my thinking and it was immediately.

In the afternoon we had a great baseball practice. I was proud of my son's efforts. We splurged on ice cream afterwards. I showed him how to pump gas.

My new sponsee called me again.

Thanks be to God for another great day.

This morning we made it to mass and the kids behaved much better. I was very moved by the enormous new Corpus that was placed up on the cross behind/above the altar. We had a mission priest give the homily who impressed me with his profound yet simple and practical wisdom.

I was moved to attend his Lenten mission services and to call some friends to join me. I was also moved to do whatever it takes to serve God, namely to commit to the meeting at the Ranch.

I got to go to the meeting there, there was a guy waiting for me at the door. I got to bring the topic.

When I left my wife called me and said that she found some free sod on craigslist. On the way to pick it up I thought about how I had been praying for God to help us with our needs in the home. When the lady opened her door I saw that she had a picture of Christ in the garden clearly visible on her wall.

I spent the afternoon laying down the sod and my Dad and my Sons helped us. We really spent the afternoon together not just doing a job. It was precious.

Today was just one of those days. I was motivated to take on anything that God directed me to. I was open to hear anything he needed me to hear. I felt awake and clear and filled with His love and life.

Thanks be to God.

Today my wife had a garage sale across the street so I was home with the kids all morning. I didn't feel well and was disappointed that I had no motivation to do anything constructive.

I got the kids to watch kids programs on the religious channels and we talked about moral lessons and practical reasons for faith. In the afternoon I finally got some energy to practice baseball with my son and his friend.

Today God helped me from being resentful at my wife for being gone all morning.
Today God helped me from staying depressed about being tired.
Today God helped me from being resentful that my wife didn't cook dinner.

Last night God's power kept me from drinking.
Today God's power kept me from being neurotic.

Thanks be to God for restoring me to sanity.

This Friday I had a long day.

I thought about my son's baseball game a lot.

I had to start out early at a work event and be on my best game all day.

In the evening I stepped out of the restaurant we were at and was approached by a vagrant for a handout. I didn't have any money but he asked for candy and I gave him a piece of gum. I said God bless you. Something seemed strange about this man.

At the end of the day all went very well but I was tired and I didn't make the rounds to say goodbye to everyone I simply said goodbye to one friend and made a quiet exit. I regretted this move and it bothered me into my sleep.

I failed to spend some time in prayer and review.

Last night I had a dream that I was drinking. When I woke up I was grateful that it was just a bad dream. I prayed for God's protection this day.

This morning I really wanted to go to the noon meeting.

This afternoon I was grateful to have a dream job even if it doesn't pay that much.

Tonight I had to go to a company event that had lots of drinking and I made it through without great temptation or discomfort.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up late and tired and had to skip breakfast but I made it to work on time and had a good morning. I was grateful for the patries that my bosse's wife made.

I got to catch up with an old friend today.

I got to go to the noon meeting. There were only three of us there so we got to share at length. I realized that I was spiritually off the beam a little still but thankfully I can see why and let go of my disappointment.

This evening I got to go to my son's baseball practice. Afterward we got to go and eat ice cream and sit outside and talk.

Thanks be to God.

I was grateful today to make a full recovery and make it to work on time. I was also grateful that none of my fears were real and that I was not in any trouble. I thought a little about how I had been spiritually exhausted in addition to my physical illness.

I got to go to the noon meeting. We read about Dr. Bob's story. I tried to find some key points to relate to but due to my low level of spiritual intuition I didn't realize anything major. But then as I returned back to work I had a simple but inspired thought. I pray that I will remember it.

Tonight my son was very willing to pick up a baseball and unwilling to put it down. I intuitively knew how to handle it. Later he drew me a picture of the dodgers and he was sliding into the plate.

Thanks be to God for a great day.

This morning I was terribly sick again. I was cold and shivering and achy and delirious. I felt terrible for not making it to mass. I felt selfish for having gone to my son's game yesterday when I knew I shouldn't because I wasn't fully recovered. Thinking back to it though, if I would not have gone and I would have made it to mass I would have thought that I was selfish for not having made the effort to take him.

I couldn't get out of bed until after noon. I did however make a decent recovery in the afternoon.

I hope to make it to work tomorrow.