This Friday morning we woke up early with the three oldest kids and left for the Autism research study.  After we left I worried about my youngest daughter waking up in a place other than home and without either parent.

The drive into downtown Houston was interesting and a little stressful.  The same could be said for the research study.  I was very impressed with the environment of the hospital and found myself wishing that I worked their.  I found myself wishing that I worked anywhere.

The kids and us loved seeing the interesting buildings and scenery on the drive and looking out the windows. The best thing was making discoveries together like being able to see the refineries far away on the horizon in the morning light.

At noon I began to lose my endurance and to bicker with the kids and my wife.  I tried to catch myself and replace my thinking.

We returned to my in-laws house around 2 or 3.  It turns out that my youngest daughter never even missed us, she had a great time with her grandmother from the minute she woke up.

In the evening the boys and I went to an Astros baseball game with my father-in-law.  We all had a great time although my youngest son, the autistic one kept me very busy correcting his restlessness.  A guy next to me started a conversation with me.  I had the attitude that I usually do which is that people don't want to be bothered and don't want to know you.  The guy was a very friendly older guy and looked familiar, almost possibly like a public figure.  I realized that I don't allow myself to go out on a limb for the sake of neighborly friendship.   I should do so regardless of the outcome.  I thought perhaps this is a way to give forward.

The game was great and the fireworks were awesome.  We had a wonderful experience together and all agreed, it was the best day ever!

Thanks be to God.

This morning my youngest daughter woke me up and immediately said I want to go downstairs with grandma.

We had a good morning, I enjoyed reliving last night's baseball game with my wife and her step mom.

As we prepared to leave I found myself getting irritated with my wife's actions and her behavior with the kids.

We bickered some about our lunch decisions but eventually had a nice one and a decent trip home.  On the way we had an interesting discussion about some recent thoughts I have had as to the unreasonable demands of our culture that cause us to spend too much time working and apart from cultivating our character and that of our dependents and interdependents.

We made it home safely and I experienced an altered sense of perception of the layout of my neighborhood and my home.  I had a renewed appreciation for the place that I get to live.

As the afternoon progressed into evening, I realized that I was due for a meeting and really wanted to go.  But my wife started making comments about her needs and exhaustion and I got the impression that it would set her off if I went.   I thought about my recent recommittal to own the initiative for my sobriety and go anyway but then I remembered it was speaker meeting night and decided I would rather go tomorrow night.  Then I got a call from my sponsor who said that the speaker called him and said no one was there.  He was angry that everyone has forgotten the fellowship that got them sober.

I went to the meeting and enjoyed the story and the fellowship and being supportive.  I got to talk to people who were new or new again.  I got to perform some service.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I made an effort to be more helpful to my wife by taking all the kids to camp.

I had to take a test today.  When talking to my wife in the morning she reminded me that she had a class in the afternoon.  I thought that it would be best if I didn't take the class.  She immediately insisted that there was just enough time and that I should go. I was grateful to find an effective technique to review for the test.  I went to the testing center at midday.  The test took much longer than expected and was very difficult for me.  I started out by doing an entire page of problems the wrong way and had to erase them all and start over. This was unfortunate because it made me run late and my wife didn't make it to her class.  I was mentally exhausted when I came home.

I offered to pick up all the kids.  When I got back home with them I had a splitting headache and was running on auto-pilot.  In my brain dead state I forgot to go to my class.  I realized this after dinner but it was much too late to go.  I was very disappointed and it bothered me a great deal.  I had to remind myself that it is just a lecture of the same material in the book and that I haven't missed any other classes.  But I need to turn to God now as I can tell it is still bothering me in my feelings.

This afternoon I caught the end of the Dr. Phil show.  In it he was talking about the dangers of tanning to two women who have an addiction to tanning.  One has had something like ten lesions removed and she still does not intend to quit.  He showed them cancer pictures and a cosmetic surgeon spoke and showed them gory pictures of reconstructive surgery.  Then they took pictures of them under UV light and showed them all their skin damage.  After all this the Dr. asked them if they understood the grave nature of this behavior and they said that they did.  But each one said that they knew they were not going to stop tanning.  The strange thing is that they went on to describe how it made them feel.  It occurred to me that the greatest mistake made by those who do not understand addiction is that it is not a matter of knowledge but rather a conditioning of feelings.  It takes a monumental shift of attitude to want to change but then it takes a reverse conditioning to inculcate this new perspective.

I wondered today if addicts could benefit from an inventory of desires, values, ideas, or especially, dependencies.

Thanks be to God.

This Tuesday I hit the math hard and got 3 chapters done.  It felt good to be back to being in the week I am supposed to be.  Then I read the announcements for this week and realized that the work this week is one third more than the normal amount and I have a test on top of that.  Nevertheless, it is still good.

I got to ride bikes to summer camp with my son.

In the evening my aunt, mom, brother, uncle, cousin, and his son came to visit.  We had a really good time and ate a great dinner.  We had good conversation and the kids enjoyed visiting and playing.  I had mixed feelings about some of the intolerant attitudes that my brother and cousin expressed, I wondered what the appropriate way to address this is.  I suppose it is simply not to validate those views.

I was disappointed that I didn't get to go to a meeting but perhaps spending time with my brother and cousin was  the way that God needed me to carry the message of recovery this day.

Thanks be to God.

I remembered today that sometime last night or in the past day I had a using dream.

Thank God I woke up feeling better today.  I got up first and got the kids started.  I woke up my wife kind of abruptly when she didn't get up on  her own as the kids were starting new camps and I was a little apprehensive.  Perhaps I should have been more understanding and gone ahead and handled it and let her sleep in.

I was really motivated to do my schoolwork and I got 2 chapters of math done.  I got to enjoy some adorable moments with my youngest daughter today playing blocks and dinosaur tea party.  I was proud of her for doing great in her potty training.

I again feared making the wrong decision in my education until I thought it through a bit about the rigors of schoolwork and the reality of my situation.  I wrapped up work late in the afternoon just in time to go to an evening class.  My brain felt like jello.  As I was leaving for my class my wife drove up and I asked my son how his day at camp was as he didn't feel well this morning.  My wife griped at me for not asking my daughter .  I was resentful that she griped at me in front of her and implied that I don't care about her as much.  I had to stop myself from cascading into anger.  I had to accept that she has feelings that I cannot change.

My psychology class was very interesting and informative as we talked about personality theory and disorders.  I found out that I did good on my test but caught myself being disappointed and envious when I heard other's grades that got perfect or near perfect scores.  I had to practice acceptance, I should have prayed.  I learned some new information about Jung's theory of the persona and the shadow.  The idea that the shadow is the baggage of the past that must be faced and brought to the light of day sounded a lot like the 5th step of the 12 steps.  Then the teacher talked about the golden shadow which is the transformation of this baggage into tools to become more effective and help others.

I got to go to a 12 step meeting tonight and the topic was "acceptance is the answer." I got to share in the first awkward silence.  A guy asked me to sponsor him. I got to talk to friends after the meeting.

My wife griped at me for not calling her when I got out of class early and went to a meeting.  I must accept that she has feelings that I cannot change and I must take responsibility for my own recovery.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I made a decision to watch mass on TV and stay home to do schoolwork.  I was still not feeling well with and identifiable illness and I was worried about completing the assignments necessary to avoid falling more than a week behind.  I made breakfast for all and then became exhausted and fell asleep all morning.

During my sleep I drifted in and out of weird, detailed, and at times stressful dreams.  While I was sleeping I also pondered my change of degree plan and fell into worry about my choice and questioned my decision.  When I woke up I thought through it and remembered the reasons why I made my choice.  I received some reconciliation.

I fell into fear about completing my school work.  Later I tried to file for an unemployment insurance claim and was declined as it has run out.  I began to fear for our financial situation.

I had to remind myself that I have made a choice to depend on God.  I had to ask myself if this is still true if I have begun to depend on the world.  I was relieved to be able to depend upon God.

In the evening my parents came to visit.  We enjoyed our time together but I lost track of it and missed going to a meeting.

I got back to work on math after bath and bedtime for the kids and I kept myself from going more than a week behind.  Perhaps this week I can make some progress to get back on track.

I am grateful to be feeling better.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I had a very hard time waking up.  My wife took the smaller kids to a birthday party in the morning and I took my oldest son to the park to practice baseball.  It was very hot and humid and we both seemed to run out of energy very quickly.  The good thing is that I took the conditions into account and set my expectations reasonably and was pleased that we got out there.

When I got home I developed a massive headache.  This kept me down all day.  In the afternoon I got kinda down on myself because I couldn't do anything with this day and we didn't make it to the event my mom wanted us to go to and I didn't get my homework done.  But I remembered some cleaning that I did when I woke up and I thought about how I fed all the kids and I felt a little better.

This Thursday I got to take my daughter for a walk in the morning again. She wanted to go swimming.

I saw a facebook post from a guy who reacted angrily to the attitudes of the people in his recovery groups.  For some reason I thought about Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's stages of coming to terms with death: denial, anger, bargaining, then acceptance.  It occurred to me that addicts go through a similar set of phases in their recovery.  I wondered what the correlation might be.  Perhaps it is the sudden impendence of death to the using mind that results in the same way as to the threat of actual physical death.

Yesterday I thought a bit more about how entertainment fills the need in people for emotional catharsis and existential meaning.  Perhaps this is what keeps everyone in the shallow water.

I got to do a chapter of math.
I got to study for my test.
I think I did well on it.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up thinking of what my wife shared with me yesterday, about Aristotle's theory of tragedy.  It occurred to me that if people watch tragedies to be purged of sinful desires then what about other forms of drama?  What about stories of triumph?  What about comedies?  What about love stories? What about stories of fantasy, sci-fi, and the supernatural?  Is the popularity of these based on our unfulfilled needs? Do they provide us an escape from our seemingly dreary lives?  Do they provide us with a sense of meaning and purpose?  Is this a lack of understanding and a misplacement of faith?

I thought about how the search for understanding of the psyche and the process of personal examination has filled my need for catharsis and helped me to find meaning and purpose from watching the drama of my life unfold.

I also thought about Sternberg's triangle theory of love.  I realized that I had hesitated to speak to my wife about this because I thought that it was

Operational scheme

This Tuesday morning my wife pulled me aside and read a writing by Aristotle about his theory of tragedy.  He says the reason that people are motivated to entertain themselves with tragic drama is to experience and purge themselves of the feelings and motives that they have but dare not indulge in real life.  He said that by doing this we purge ourselves of these feelings and thus achieve some form of purification or purgation.

I had a very hard time motivating myself to do math today and was disappointed that I only did one chapter and a quiz.

I realized that Monday night at the meeting I felt uptight.  I thought about how sometimes I dare not reveal that I don't feel well to people when they ask how I am doing for fear of inviting criticism of my spiritual program.   But if I get better at understanding and describing my state then I don't need to worry about.  When I feel tense, I usually know whether it is serious or not but I don't reveal it when it is not because others may misinterpret it.

This evening I mainly handled the kids.

Thanks be to God.

This Monday I took time for prayers with the kids before taking them to school instead of in the truck on the way.

I took my youngest daughter for a walk to the park in the morning.
I got to talk to a friend in recovery at mid day.
I went to class in the afternoon.
I went to a meeting in the evening, a guy asked me to be his sponsor.

My being was good today.
Thanks be to God.

This morning when I was waking up I realized that twice in my semi-conscious mind was trying to rationalize a couple of my choice character defects.  Once it was trying to think about a way to minimize the pain of recovering from a drug binge by taking the right combination of pills, vitamins, and nutritional supplements.  Another time it was allowing myself to peruse an item on the chick menu.  I made sure to take time to start my day in conscious contact with God.

We made it to mass on time and in good spirits.  It was one of the lowest attended masses that I have seen.  This applied to the availability of servers as well, the priest had to do all the readings himself.  Our responsorial and second reading were about living a righteous and lawful life as a means to be close to God but the gospel reading was the story of Mary and Martha and how just being willing be with God is what is most important. I also read about contemplation in reference to this.  

This afternoon I expressed some of my continuing fears about one of my classes to my wife and she helped me realize a strategy that is much less stressful and reasonable to accomplish.  This helped me back to the place of recovered enthusiasm and peace.

We had a birthday dinner with my mom and I enjoyed the time with my family.

I got to go to a meeting later and we read from "To Wives."

Thanks be to God.

This morning after taking all the kids and getting a haircut I was driving by the mailbox and I saw a sign posted on it for a missing ring.  My neighbor had found it.

My wife and I had a difficult discussion about whether or not I should drop a class.   One of the things I struggled with was the fact that my instincts told me not to sign up for 3 classes in the summer.  I wanted to be resentful to her but I had to resist.

Today I was thinking of the morning prayer for the children and thought of amending it for my son as he is getting older and needs a better concept than just "God help me to be good today".  I thought of "God help me to do the things that will help me to be well today."   Then it occurred to me that the idea that a person's state of being is the measure of my wellness. So when I see someone I should ask them "how's your being?"

I thought about a term to describe a person who always quotes from "the Book" when trying to convince someone of their reasoning.  They are "Big Book Lawyers" or "Biblical Lawyers".  Not that they are wrong, but it is an approach that doesn't work when speaking to someone who has not fully assimilated the book as their point of reference to truth.

I also thought about self centeredness as narrow mindedness.  When one is in that state where I am only seeing things from my scope of understanding then my vision is narrowed to my view.

I also thought of the scheme(?) for handling issues in life.   Check my motives first, look for the fear, get out of self, act from principle not from arousal.

This Wednesday morning was another repeat of the previous days this week.   After breakfast I struggled to focus on and retain my studies of math and computer network systems.  I had a sinking feeling like I was stuck in quicksand and can't get out.  I dread the coming semester and I feel tired all the time.

I had to shift to psychology to prepare for my class in the evening.   After about an hour of this prep I thought that I was wasting my time because this material is so easy for me and we will just be discussing it in class.  I should have spent my time continuing working on my other subjects.

My intro to Psych class was a refreshing interlude in this week.  As we moved through each subject I get immersed in them and have insightful thoughts and ideas.  As we spoke about anorexia a person in class asked the typical question, "I don't understand why it is considered a disease if this is caused by all these societal factors."  I could't resist commenting on this one.  I raised my hand ad the teacher called on me.  I asked the teacher if it could be that the behavior or bad habit becomes a disease when it passes a threshold of severity where the person loses control of it and it has a severe affect on the important areas of the person's life and impairs the normal functioning of the person.  It meets the criteria of a disease and is chronic, progressive, and fatal.

When I came home that evening everything came to a point of critical mass.  I saw that there is no way that I am going to complete my school work.  I rethought everything and had a eureka moment.   I decided to change majors and pursue a career that applies psychology.

This Tuesday morning I had a vivid dream that I went to visit my sponsor at his shop and he was in the midst of a relapse.  He tempted me to join him.  It was a very weird yet intimately familiar circumstance.  

We woke up very late and I had to rush off and get the kids to camp without morning prayer.  I prayed with the kids.

I had a terrible time focusing on my studies today and was interrupted numerous times.  I was very distressed about my school situation.

In the evening I never could get back on track.

The kids had a great time at camp and are back into the swing of things.

Thanks be to God.

This Monday morning the kids were back to summer camp.  This meant that I had to spend more time getting them ready in the morning.

Then my wife needed me to help her get her car to the shop.

I had several distractions that interrupted me from doing my math or much of my network studies.  After cleaning up the house and going through the laundry my wedding ring was still missing.  I worried because on Sunday while cleaning in the garage I heard some things drop in the trash and I was only able to retrieve one which was a screw.  The garbage went out this morning and I wished I would have searched it.  I prayed for my ring and my marriage.

I had my psych class in the evening so I had to prepare for that.   We discussed some great material about child development which was very beneficial to me.  Every parent should take this class.

Afterward I got to go to a meeting.   A guy brought a topic about the value of prayer.   I thought of how I could not see the value of prayer based on my old idea of prayer as needless flattery directed towards God who does not need this.  This, as it often did back then, led me to doubt the effectiveness of the 12 steps.  My thoughts drifted, as they often did back then, to how I could make my own sobriety program.  I thought of how I could affect a psychic change by making a deliberate effort at the beginning of every day to direct my thinking towards a productive set of behaviors and then strive all day to redirect my thinking every time it went down the old paths.  My first thought was that it wouldn't work because it was willpower based.   My second thought was "what if you invited God in to help?"  Then it dawned on me.   Perhaps this was a type of prayer, a type that would have a practical and effective application.

Things got better from there on.

After the meeting I got into a discussion with a couple of friends about an enlarged spiritual life through Jesus Christ.  One guy was newer than I thought and I worried that our discussion might have disturbed his faith. But, I realized that it was a chance that had to be taken and that he invited the discussion and God probably arranged the circumstances of the guy locking his keys in the car for that reason.

Thanks be to God

Last night a new guy said something that stuck with me as an addition to my spiritual vocabulary, it is the concept that I must "replace my thinking."  Later I thought of an application of the concept in that I am always telling my son to change his attitude.  Perhaps it would be better to tell him to "replace" his attitude.

The kids were well behaved at mass today.  Our gospel reading was about the good Samaritan.

I noticed my wedding ring was missing today.  I thought of three ways that it might have been lost.  I worried about how my wife and I have been bickering lately.  I worried about how she found a ring recently and didn't turn it in.

This morning I woke up and watched the animated Gospel stories with the kids.  We watched the story of Jesus as a boy in the temple, His baptism, and the 40 days in the desert when He had to be tested and persevere in God's will.  I related to Him in both accounts, as a boy speaking provisionally to the authorities in the temple about the true nature of the law as the means but that the ends, or faith in the heart was what was truly important.   Also, in His time in the desert I thought of how I must persevere in my current isolation and accept that it is God's will for me.

During the day I started running on self-propulsion.  I never really lost my temper or anything but at some point I lost my gratitude at a low level.  It was a really good and productive day.  I got some homework done last night and this morning and I kept the kids fed and monitored TV and got them outside some.  The house was clean and I did an emergency repair on a broken drawer.  But, when my wife came home I should have had a better attitude.

I got to go to a meeting where they read "each person is like an actor" again.

Thanks be to God.

This Friday I didn't got out of bed and get going until mid morning. Even then I was groggy and not really ready to go.  I was disappointed with myself for this.  I did however wake up on time and pray.

I never really did get very productive other than feeding and attending to the kids.   My wife sent me on an errand early that was not necessary but it did me some good to get out into the world.

I tried to fix my weed eater so I could finish some yard work but was not very successful although I did get part of the work done.
I tried to work through some home work but only got a chapter and practice exercises done.
I tried to talk to my visiting niece about mental health and good character but didn't feel very successful.
I tried to get the kids to play outside and didn't think that I succeeded so I took them to the park in the evening.
I read about Lindsay Lohan and wanted to go to a 12 step meeting but felt obligated to stay with the kids.
I felt anxious, worried, and fearful about school, finances, and my sobriety today.

While I was at the park pushing my daughters on the swings, the youngest one said "Daddy, I love this day."   She went on, "I love this park, I love you, I love my sister and brothers."

Thanks be to God for a change of attitude.

P.S. I realized later that on Thursday I had symptoms of a respiratory virus.  So I know now that I overslept because my body was recovering.  Again, thanks to God for the insight that helped me further to get back to a positive outlook.

My wife was gone today again to a funeral.  My mom was here helping with the kids.   Nevertheless, I was disappointed with the rate of my progress.  I had to deliberately work for acceptance and a positive outlook over my school work.  

We had fun in the interludes and meals today.  My mom got to spend some great time wit the kids.

A friend in sobriety called today when I was preparing dinner.  I should have made the effort to take the call.  I never called him back but intend to do so tomorrow.

After dropping my mom off I was driving home alone on a country road looking at the gray sky when suddenly I felt the urge to go and have a few drinks.  The weird thing is that it lasted about 30 seconds.  I was completely aware of it and was just astounded at how that happens.  I just turned my thoughts away, actually it just went away, but I need to pray about it.

I didn't go drink and I ran some productive errands and made it home safely.   I did my quiz that completes my work that was due monday.

Thanks be to God.

This Wednesday I made minimal progress in doing the school work that was due last week.  I had to spend all morning preparing for my wife's trip out of town and didn't get started until late in the morning.  I did some important household tasks like fixing the lawn mower that held me up also.

While studying late in the afternoon a very weird thing happened.  I started thinking of getting out of the house to go to class and out of nowhere I got the impulse to go and have a few drinks.  I got this sensation that I hadn't felt in a very long time.  It was only for the blink of an eye (and was gone) and would have been easy to miss (or dismiss), but I noticed it.

I went to my class in the evening and found out that I did well on a test.  I am deeply worried about whether or not I should drop a class.

My mom spent the night and helped me with the kids.

Thanks be to God.

Today while studying I got so angry that I almost smashed my computer.  I was frustrated over the tedium of the work I am doing.   Nevertheless, I stuck with it and got some things done.

In the evening we all went to the park.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I conceived of a vital part of an idea that I have been thinking about for along time.  The idea that human higher thinking begins on top of the lower (but complex) instinct, reflex, memory, and conditioning.  That humans develop thinking, logic, schema, and algorithms out of the abstract conceptions, abstract memory, and conditioned responses.

I spent the day reviewing for a test in the evening.  When I went to the class and took the test I think that I did ok.

Afterward I went to my first meeting in over a week.   This is the longest period of time that I have been between meetings since I got sober.  This has been bothering me a great deal.  I just had to change my attitude and try and consider what my mind will do with remorse.

Thanks be to God.

This morning our readings were about the "harvest is rich but the workers are few." Our priest said that we shouldn't just think of missionaries and aid workers but that we should think about how we could help others who are having troubles as we have had.

I thought about this independence day as a celebration of freedom from tyranny.  I thought of freedom won on a personal level by the grace of God.

I thought about an idea that people need a personal God to provide law and order in the interior world.

I got to say grace at my Dad's birthday dinner in my house.

I worried about my school work.

I got to go to a fireworks display with my kids and family.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I was laying in bed dreaming that a mosquito was buzzing over me and I was swatting it.   Then it turned into a bee and was trying to sting my hand.  I realized I was asleep and I went into a panic trying to move to swat it away.

This Friday was again filled with study.  I wanted to escape several times but was afraid of failing.   I didn't get to go to a meeting and didn't get to do anything else besides kid duty.

My wife ticked me off on the phone and I hung up on her.

I never did get to review this day and this is all that I remember.

This thursday morning I had a troublesome dream of some sort but since I was not able to do a review that day I do not recall what it was.

After getting all the kids going and off to school, I was buried in school work.  I thought about all that I must do by Monday and I was afraid.  I was grateful to get a chapter in math done.

I realized in the morning that I needed to take a test at the testing center.   I checked with my wife and she had things scheduled in the morning and evening so I couldn't go.  I was a bit disappointed about this I believe.

My mother, sister, and daughter dropped in for a visit that evening.  We had a great time visiting but I wished I could talk to my sister alone more.

I didn't get to go to a meeting this day.

Thanks be to God