This Thursday morning I attended to an assignment from my psych of personal adjustment class that had me look at the influences on my views on sexuality. I had the option of writing about this and turning it in as my weekly journal. As I reviewed all the influences my report became a simple recollection of the past, I imagined that my experience was the same as many people: parents, church, society shaped my early inhibitions with emotional coercions of shame and guilt, then the media informed me at an early age about more permissive attitudes and I became caught up in the sexual revolution. My views progressed incrementally from openness, to fantasy, to desires, to indulgence, to excess, and to the propagation of the sexualized attitudes socially. Eventually I found myself in a lifelong struggle to indulge, manage, and moderate my sexual drives, on both a physical and relationship level. My conception of sex was a powerful natural drive that had to be sated otherwise I would go crazy. I also believed that I was born with a level of sex drive that was greater than most as a characteristic of my race.

Upon reviewing them I came to the realization that the process of personal inventory and character building were the biggest influence. That after the typical influences of parents, religion, media, society, etc. that in the end it was the self examination that exerted the greatest insight.

After my class I had a scheduled meeting with the professor. She didn't have a specific agenda, it was a meeting to have a one on one conversation. It was an enjoyable talk and one particular question stayed with me after the meeting. She asked "have you always been this thoughtful?" My first reaction was to resist a prideful interpretation. I don't think she was asking "have you always been this wise?" but my ego wanted to go there. I decided that she must have meant "have you always been this aware of the thought life." I also thought that she might be asking "are you certain that you have the temperament to be a counselor?" I should have sought clarification at this point. I answered with some points from my "why I want to help people" essay, about how I have always been interested in inter and intra personal dynamics since my youth. I think the right answer should have been "I had to become conscious of the thought life for the sake of sanity and sobriety, when all else failed."

Today I thought about how men's ;problems are in the excesses. When men's "basic instincts exceed their proper function." overreaction, excitement, etc.

I thought about making a list of age appropriate behaviors to facilitate the passage od my children through their developmental stages.

I thought about how the 12 step inventory helped me to achieve self control of the basic drives in small increments to add up to a large effect.

This morning we all struggled to wake up being tired from our evening at the park. I was groggy through my prayers, my younger son's first word's were "that was quick" (referring to the passage of the night), but no one fought or struggled or bickered. I think that these small blessings may be evidence of a greater change.

in Psych of Personal Adjustment we talked about human sexuality. It was tempting for me to interject and comment a lot on matters of contention but I held back. I became aware that the motive of my commenting might be a selfish one. That I might seek to point out discrepancies in the teaching out of a need to express my opinion rather than as a contribution to the class. I don't think it means that my opinions are wrong (or right) but that I need to be patient and listen and learn and let the professor teach the class.

My wife and I had some time alone to discuss and agree and disagree about small things in the afternoon. Several of the subjects we talked about that seemed vastly different centered around the same problem of good people going wrong. I was able to talk through my idea that at the heart of every human problem is the same dynamic, people motivated by natural drives overreact and little by little become more and more impaired in their thinking, eventually to the point of justifying actions that go against their good nature. Again small observation about a greater good.

I heard a news story about a possible relapse by the movie star Charlie Sheen. When asked what the nature of the problem of all these stars committing inconceivable acts and relapsing, the psychological expert stated that they are surrounded by a world of no no's.

After class today I stopped in at the treatment center near my home and solicited an interview with a counselor for a class assignment. I got to see a old friend of mine working there. I was glad to see him but I was disappointed that I couldn't remember his name at first. Nevertheless I was very lucky that a counselor was willing to make an appointment with me there on the spot.

In my class today the professor went over the long list of medications to treat mental illness. I was astonished at how many of my classmates are on medication. I thought back to the difficulties that I had with these types of medications. I thought about the condition of anhedonia and how the reduction of self-centered thinking changed that for me. I thought about how the process of personal inventory helped me to find the ability to adjust and replace mi thinking. I thought about how eventually my pleasure and reward mechanism shifted and began to work again.

The professor said something that really stuck with me. He said that people who have abused substances have fried their neurons and have grave mood disorders. But, he said that after 2-3 years the brain heals. I think that it is not just biological but is cultivated by surrender of the will.

This afternoon my wife was working and I had the kids by myself. It was a busy afternoon but I got them out to the park after dinner and got them in bed at a reasonable time.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we made it to mass on time and with good attitudes. Our Gospel reading was the parable of the tax collector and the pharisee. Our priest related this to the sin of hubris and self-righteousness. He said that in many ways this may be the worst sin of all. He also took this in a new direction that I hadn't ever thought about, that of following the laws and rules of a culture to the extent that they allow one to override what is truly right the extent that allows them to rationalize injustices, in some cases grave ones. He cited the cases of the Nazi guards who when captured and interrogated became defensive when confronted with the atrocious nature of their misdeeds and said they were doing the right thing by doing their duty.

Later in the day I stumbled on a program called "Nazi Scrapbook from Hell". It detailed the daily lives of the administrative personnel of the Auschwitz concentration camp and the stark contrast of their gay livelihood with the evil deeds they were committing.

In the evening I got a notice from my human growth and development professor that we will be discussing the experiment of the Lucifer effect in which group dynamics can move people to perform evil deeds.

I also thought of this on the personal level as I usually have taken the moral. I thought of my recent resentment toward my wife in which I criticize her for her parenting mistakes even though I make mistakes myself.

My parents came to visit this afternoon and again for the third time or so my dad seemed to have taken a much more tolerant tone towards other groups of people and to the kids who don't play ball well. I am finding our visits getting a lot more comfortable these days. I had a weird feeling when they left. I walked them out alone and waved and said goodbyes. I felt the feeling that I might have when my son has to visit and leave in the future. That of longing for the time when it was just us every day together and we were the most important people in each others lives.

I came in and hugged my children extra tight tonight.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Today I heard someone refer to a statement in the letter to the Corinthians in which he states that he prays with his heart and his mind. I read this part of the letter and realized that it also speaks to the idea that one must speak to the non-believer in the voice that he can understand or else he is speaking in a language that he cannot understand.

I had a thought about fear today. That fear is a signal to alert one to action. That the problem with fear is when we continue to feel it.

I wondered today if religious philosophy could be said to be based on longitudinal research.

This afternoon when I got back with the younger kids my son, who had arrived home before us, complained of a burned finger. My wife came home and he told us that he burned his finger by accidentally turning on the hot water instead of cold. We knew this wasn't possible as the finger looked blistered. We were both worried and confronted him. He was very defensive and denied any wrongdoing vehemently. My wife reacted angrily and harangued him for the truth. I got her to back off as I sensed him digging in his heels. A few minutes later I got him talking to me calmly about little things. Then I carefully talked to him about my concerns about his finger and what happened to him. I assured him that he would not get in trouble and I told him what I guessed had happened. I made him not interrupt me and just think about what I was saying. He admitted to me what happed that he was playing with the stove and burned his finger.

This morning in my personal adjustment class we were broken out into a group of guys to talk about what guys think. We were asked questions to have a discussion with the class. I found myself unable to talk in the group as freely as the other men. This made me a little uncomfortable but I seemed to think there was a good reason not to speak off the cuff. In thinking back to it I see that it was because I needed to think for some time to give substantive answers.

In the professor's lecture she talked about the roles of men and women. She spoke about how many young people don't realize how the way things are today is built on the accomplishments of others. She cited the example of Darryl strawberry who when he saw Jackie Robinson's (a Brooklyn Dodger) photo with Yankee greats asked "who is he?". She asked all the girls if they considered themselves to be a feminist, the point being that things have changed in recent times and they don't even realize it. It occurred to me that this is the concept of legacy. I would like to have pointed out how this occurs on a larger scale in our society.

This afternoon in my human growth and development class the professor was laying out the importance of the roles that a male parent and a female parent play in the development of an adolescent. She also spoke of the adverse affects that single or mixed parent homes have on them. I then asked the question of what research shows about the affects of living with two parents who who don't love each other. She said that the evidence is overwhelming that it is more harmful for children to live in a home in conflict. I am not recalling the exact words right now but I noticed that her statement was based on the certainty that this would be a situation of conflict which I disagree is absolute.

In the morning before class a friend joined me for coffee. We had what I have started to call our meeting before the class. I shared with him my recent thoughts about the 5 stages of grief and how they apply to other major life crises especially addiction. I talked to him about how I suspected that it was somehow helpful in the steps toward addiction recovery. As I talked it out with him I realized my theory. If a person is exhibiting any of the other stages besides denial and avoidance then it is a sign that they can be reached. If they are in the stages of anger, bargaining, or depression then they can be coaxed toward the final stage, acceptance.

An interesting discussion broke out in my orientation to social work class today. The professor set out to describe three main approaches to services for the mentally ill. These are the medical (biological), the psychotherapeutic, and the behavioral approach. In describing the medical approach the professor explain the tendency to label all disorders as biological in nature and treatable with medication. He then discussed the failings of this approach and described some history and examples. For a time he stuck to the example of schizophrenia and the difficulty of getting patients to take medication and stick to them and readjust them periodically. He said another problem is that this doesn't really solve the condition, it just suppresses the symptoms. All went well for a while and it was an interesting topic. I thought about how our medical technology is at an early and crude state of development and we will someday look back at this time in the same way that we look at medieval medicine.

At some point he used alcoholism and the class got sidetracked from there. He talked about how alcoholics popularized the idea of labeling and identifying yourself with the disorder dujour. He got into the topic of recovered vs. recovering. The classroom digressed into several other topics of this nature and it turned into a real circus. I felt really uncomfortable with this whole sequence of discussion even though I have a lot to say about them. It seemed that this was the wrong place and time. It seemed that many of the students could benefit from attending AA meetings where it appropriate to talk about them.

One woman then brought up her objection to the whole notion that once an addict, always an addict. She stated that her friend still uses actively and tells her this but that she doesn't believe it. She also talked about how she didn't buy the notion that she couldn't drink even though she had had a problem of abusing a substance. The classroom literally exploded with people arguing and debating and just flat out talking out loud. The professor then asked her what the substance was. She reacted in a way that I haven't seen in a long long time. She got really embarrassed and put on the spot and hemmed and hawed and couldn't say it. Finally the professor coached her and she said cocaine. At this point I shot my hand in the air to try and inform her of the alteration of the addictive molecule when cocaine and alcohol are mixed. Thankfully he never called on me and my excitement subsided and I stayed out of it. We never got back on track and the class ended. Afterward I realized that the woman had exhibited and pretty strong form of avoidant behavior.

In the evening my oldest son had a baseball game and my middle ones had a practice. My oldest was sick last night and this morning so he stayed home from school. He vomited 6 times last night and still had a fever at noon. It didn't look promising but in the afternoon he perked up. I coaxed him into the idea that he could attend to support his team but that he wouldn't be asked to work too hard if he couldn't. When my wife came home she was shocked at this and griped loudly. I was afraid that she screw up my plans and I yelled at her. She unleashed a barrage of gripes at me and I resisted retaliating for a moment but then jibed in the last word. I don't know if this was appropriately assertive or unduly defensive. I do know that it is unhealthy for us both and for our family and has to stop. I also know that in the moments that followed I issued a barrage of blame in my mind for her argumentative nature, poor communication skills, and poor parenting which is also wrong for me to do. I thought of how just this morning or last night sometime I was taking stock of how fortunate I and my kids are to have her.

I was proud of my son tonight for making it to his game and for showing good character in supporting his team. I had a great heart to heart talk with him about it afterward. I feel blessed to have him for my son.

Thanks be to God.

Last night I had a dream that surprised me. It was your typical using dream, at least what I could remember from it. I didn't remember what exactly was going on, but I remember the feelings, attitudes, and motives that dominated me at that time. The surprising part was that these feelings and motives are so foreign to me now. I didn't realize just how much the things I care about and value have changed until they were contrasted with the old ones. It's no wonder that I don't feel the sense of urgency in my sobriety activities lately as it seems that my motivational forces have moved another degree in progression toward normalcy.

I also felt very ill last night with a sore throat but resisted the idea that I was going to wake up ill and I prayed for healing. Then I remembered hearing that gargling with mouthwash had a disinfectant affect, so I got up and did this. I felt sick all the way up until my last minor waking at about 5 am. When I woke up for good I felt a hundred percent better and was able to help my wife by getting the kids up.

This evening I got to go to a meeting. It was at my home group which is dwindling in attendance. I really had that feeling that just being there was a major service effort as there were only 3-4 people there at the beginning of the meeting including someone new. It was one of those times when the small number grew and it ended up being just right by the end. I heard something for the first time ever. Someone said that "today he has sufficient force" (to defend against the first drink). I considered the idea of God's power restoring the right motivational force. I remembered how I struggled with the idea of God as a power but I might have understood the idea of God as a driving force in the motives.

Thanks be to God.

This Monday morning I learned that I did exceptionally well on a test last week.

I went in and talked to an advisor to confirm my math strategy.

I worried again about not getting enough done. I worried about my finances running out.

All the kids were home from school and I had to care for them while my wife was away. I had that aimless feeling again.

We had a great time playing out in the yard and fixing bicycles. The neighbors gave us a free TV for the boys room.

I got to watch the baseball playoffs with my sons.

Thanks be to God.

This Sunday morning I woke up feeling queasy and tired. We had planned to split mass times so that someone could stay home with my sick daughter who kept us up much of the night throwing up. I had planned to go to mass at 9:00 am but could not get up in time (and get the boys ready). Instead my wife and the little one stayed home while I took the other 3 to 11:00 am mass.

The first scripture reading was about Moses keeping his staff raised while the armies of Joshua battled those of Amalek in defense of the kingdom of Israel. As the story goes, when Moses tired and lowered his arms, the army faltered but when they were raised, they prevailed.

I thought that the lesson here was about spiritual perseverance. I also thought about how I have not been going to meetings where I can be helpful to others. I wondered if I have not persevered enough lately. I have been thinking a lot lately about whether personal spiritual work (prayer, self-examination, meditation, amends, etc.) were the higher priority than meetings. I have kept these activities up for the most part.

The second reading from second Timothy was about the scriptures as giving wisdom, training, and teaching, through faith. I thought that this was like the staff that moses held, the necessary tool, but it was the means to access faith which was the real power (motivational force).

The Gospel reading was about a widow who persisted in asking a irreverent judge to render a just decision against her adversary. The reading actually stated that this was about the necessity to pray always without becoming weary. This seemed reaffirm to me that cultivation of personal faith and wellness takes priority is paramount.

Our priest, Fr. Barry gave a presentation today about Fr. Andre Besset who was being canonized today by the Pope in Rome. After mass I told Fr. Barry that I had caught a movie about Fr. Andre this week and had gotten a real sense of his trials and adversity through which he had to persevere in faith. Fr. Barry got real excited and said he had not seen the movie. He said that it was the Holy Cross brothers that were the most accusatory of Fr. Andre. He had and almost apologetic tone. I felt bad, almost as if he were over sensitive to this. I thought about how this is a problem of human nature that arises from a right motives but that people overreact. I thought of how I would have reacted if thousands of people were claiming cures and making a circus of the rectory. I thought of my own pragmatic nature and skepticism.

Interestingly, in the afternoon I read an article (http://www.abc.net.au/unleashed/40170.html) from one of my blog feeds of writer in Australia commenting on the circus in the media over the canonization of Sister Mary Mckillop. He said that he was taken aback by the extreme and irrational reactions by some of his atheist peers. I thought that this was a problem of all groups of people in any argument, that we go wrong when we characterize the other side by it's worst examples and lose our rationality.

In the afternoon I was very busy with the children. My wife had to go to school all afternoon. My younger daughter was better in the morning but then got sick again once at mid day.

I was kept very busy and had to resist feelings of worry over not being able to work on finances, school, home maintenance, and other matters.

In the afternoon the kids that were well all got lots of outdoor play time.

In the evening we had a potluck dinner scheduled that was a good thing for us to attend as a family. But by this time my spirits were flagging and I gave up on trying to make it. Thankfully my wife came home and encouraged us to make it. We had a great time and got to support our community.

Thanks be to God.

This Saturday morning we caught the second half of the remake of the Bad News Bears. The kids really got a kick out of this movie. I had reservations about some parts but let them watch it.

We had a tee ball game for my two youngest children at 10:15. I was worried about this as they behaved badly in the last game. I caught myself before the game and took a look at my attitude. I suspected that I may have fallen into unrealistic expectations, so I resolved to be patient and just work on motivating them to do their team duties without griping at them. I also thought about how the last game was an evening game which may have contributed to lack of attentiveness. I decided to accept whatever they do and to have fun.

The kids behaved and played very well and had fun. Their team looked like one of those well coached teams that is a level better than the rest. They made big hits, ran well, and made so many outs that we let the other team keep playing and their runners got to stay on base. My son (the autistic one) made a catch and tag out, which was the highlight of the game. He also did the funniest thing in the game when he came running out of the dugout to take his helmet back from his sister at home plate.

My older son did not play today so we got to focus on the older ones. He had a practice in the afternoon. I was glad to be able to get outside and active because I felt aimless otherwise. My son did well and got to run and play with the coach’s son, his friend.

On our way home I stopped at the 12 step club as I saw the lights off and people in the parking lot. My sponsor and some other friends were there. I wanted to stay at the meeting but I knew that my wife was expecting me home and doesn't really like my son hanging around there unattended so I left and took him home. This doesn't usually stop me but for some reason I felt like I needed to go home.

It was a good thing that I came home as my youngest daughter suddenly starting vomiting. My wife really needed my help with the kids that night.

Thanks be to God.

Last night my youngest child had a stomach virus and woke me up several times. One of the times I woke up with dream thoughts immersed in one of my more troublesome character defects. I tried to pray several times but struggled as I didn't have control of my mental faculties. Unfortunately an acquaintance that seems to be too interested in me entered into this malaise. I exerted myself to resist and surrender like a child and escaped.

It has been a very busy week and I have not been able to keep up my reviews again. There have been several events and thoughts that I desperately wanted to keep track of. I will attempt it now. My hope is that if I pray and start writing that it will all come back to me.

One of the days this week, perhaps Tuesday or Wednesday, I had a substantial shift in my prayer structure. This was repeated again another day, but I am not sure that I remember it now. I also had some significant thoughts about sanity and sobriety. But, I don't remember them either. I told my wife this week that I believe that I have brain damage. <---self pity!?

I thought about how I went through the 5 stages of grief in my addiction. Today I read in the Kubler-Ross website that she recognized that these stages occur over many life crises.

Thanks be to God.

This Thursday I thought about how skills progress in steps, some forward and some back, but over time the forward steps outnumber those back.

In the afternoon I talked over a plan with my wife for handling my math class. We concluded on a great strategy for me to accept a low grade or failure but to stay enrolled and college eligible and to retake the assessment when I am ready. It was a major relief to get this off my back.

In the evening I got to go to a 12 step meeting finally after about 2 weeks (it seems). The topic was page 17 of the Big Book, "The common bonds of the 12 step fellowship". I thought about the miner rescues this week and about how many of them had a spiritual experience and vowed to changed their lives. I wondered how many of them would be able to hold on to it. I thought of how willingness would likely wear off for many of them after some time passes. I thought of how I could relate to this experience, how I felt as if I had been rescued from my trap. I was grateful to have the fellowship to keep this alive for me.

Thanks be to God.

This Wednesday morning in class I had a test. I was a little disappointed that I could not do better. At least I think I passed.

At some point this day I recognized the need to elevate a conception of the pursuit of virtue and of God's will over my sensory arousal. I realized just how difficult this is but the effect was epiphanous.

In the evening my older son had a baseball game. The boys seemed to have taken a step back in their progress. Even my son had trouble pitching, but he worked himself through it. They still looked better than at the beginning of the season.

Thanks be to God.

This Tuesday I had a classroom report. I was preoccupied and worried about it all day but after my morning class I came home and got it finished. It went well although I was a little nervous. I spoke about the importance of early detection and early intervention of Autism or other developmental delays.

After class a friend talked to me about an issue in sobriety and the spiritual life. I was grateful for the opportunity to help.

In the evening my two middle children had a tee ball game. It did not go well with my daughter who had a fit over her cap being loose. I think that I took it too serious, evryone else was laughing at the antics.

Thanks be to God.

This Monday morning my professor talked about mental illness again in the morning.

I spent the afternoon preparing for a presentation on Tuesday. I worried alot today about my math class which I am terribly behind in. I wasn't able to get anything done for it.

This Sunday our gospel reading at mass was the story of the lepers that Jesus healed but only one came back to thank Him. Our priest gave a sermon about the attitude of gratitude. For some reason I felt certain that I had never heard this account before but I was sure that I had. Our priest delivered a great message of the benefits of this attitude.

I was still feeling the effects of my respiratory infection. We did a lot of housecleaning and I did some homework.

In the evening we watched the MLB playoffs.

Thanks be to God.

This Friday morning I had very bad allergy symptoms and probably a respiratory infection. After taking the kids to school I studied a little for a mid term in math. At mid morning I was incapacitated and had to rest. I was not able to get anything done all day and felt very unproductive. My wife was on a job and I had to babysit my youngest daughter.

In the late afternoon I had to take my test. I felt terrible and was constantly sneezing and fighting a runny nose. I was hot and might have had a fever. I did terrible on the test. I couldn't even answer 6 problems out of 20. On the way home I had to resist feelings of self pity, blame, and rash behavior to try and solve the problem. I had to make a gratitude list in my head and pray for help with anger.

I went home and watched baseball with my kids and had a nice dinner. I wished that I could have had the energy to make a meeting. As a little time went by, I felt relieved of my fears and got to bed early in hope that I would make my son's ball game in the morning.

Thanks be to God.

This Saturday morning I woke up feeling like I was on the mend but still feeling the effects of my ailment. At midmorning my son had a baseball game. I was worried as to how well I would be able to finction but all went well. My son did great, he kept a good attitude and didn't make any mistakes. I have to say that his play is the best it has ever been. Even though he is not a naturally gifted athlete, he has put in the work and it shows. At one point, one of the other coaches looked at me and said that he has a commanding presence on the mound. It was the greatest thing that a man could hear about his son.

At one point in the morning I looked up and realized what a glorious day it was. The fall weather that morning was perfect and my son was getting to play the game that he sees every night on TV in the playoffs. There was a flock of grackles circling the ballpark and landing in the outfield. At one point they came flying overhead in waves. It was a captivating site and I couldn't help but think this was the greatest day of my life - so far.

In the evening my wife was working. I managed to have the energy to get the house picked up and the kids fed early. So we all went to the park and had a great time. I wished that I could make a meeting but will have to go another day.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I briefly thought about turning over one's will as conformity. But not just conformity in general but as conformity to the right set of ideals. Ideals that transcend human nature. All religions and sects provide such ideals so long as the emphasis is on personal reform not cultural demands. I also thought of how recovered addicts fall into the trap of extremism. It is because we are examples of extreme self centeredess. I also thought of how selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear are at the heart of all personality disorders.

This Tuesday morning when I entered class I suddenly remembered an helpful task that I did last week. During the class, the subject material triggered a thought that I needed to journal from the day before. Knowing that I would likely forget, I wrote it down right there in class. Later when I was reviewing the day, I was able to retrieve it. It occurred to me that I should make this a practice to jot things down as they occur during the day to help with the problem that I have been having of neglecting this vital practice. It just so happened that as I thought of this I had several of these things on my mind so when I sat down I started writing down journal notes for the past 3 days. As I was doing this, the professor walked back and forth and then settled in right near me. I realized that it might look as if I were doing other homework in her class. Thankfully I got the important points down by this time. I was very happy to make these notes, and to be able to catch up on reviews, as this was a very busy weekend and I am behind. This was one of those small occurrences that could go a long way in improving my outlook on things and helping me stay connected.

The professor talked about relationships today. One interesting idea she conveyed was the way in which we discuss our problems with others and sometimes take actions based on those conversations. She showed and illustration of triangles in which the three points were three individuals involved. The husband and wife for example, were points 1 and 2 and the wife's friend was point 3. In each case there was an arrow going back and forth illustrating communication between parties. The wife and husband discuss an issue and then the wife discusses it with the friend. The communication from the husband to the friend was I believe given from the wife in proxy for the husband. My professor showed how this pattern expands every time that a person is added and an unhealthy matrix forms. To me I thought this also illustrates how poor communication forms and bad decisions are made because party number 2 is not actually communicating for themselves. This means that the feedback received is not sound because of the potential for a distorted rendering of party #2's position. Objectivity is lost and bad ideas are perpetuated.

In the afternoon I finished my observation report from the weekend and did some math homework. I was pleased to get the report completed. I got more worried about math, which I am falling further behind on. I barely read anything on my book report but then I remembered that I still have another day, that it is not due tomorrow. I was very relieved about this, almost ecstatic. It was as if another day was miraculously dropped in to this week to help me out. Ironic that I had an experience with the perception of time.

In the evening we had a tee ball game. All went well getting there albeit a bit stressful getting everyone together. As the game went on my daughter began acting up the way she has been in the past 2 games. Her mouth got hurt when her brother bumped the water jug she was drinking from. She whined incessantly over this and got everyone to attend to her including my wife who came into the dugout. She missed her at bat unbeknownst to me as I was doing batting warm-ups and another guy was sending them in. Then on the field she continued her drama. Funny thing though, the very first batter hit a ball straight to her. She was drooping her shoulders and sticking her chin up in the air disapproving of my lack of sympathy for her plight and she instinctively reached down and caught the ball and threw it to first base. She didn't get the out but everyone cheered at the fine play. Nevertheless, from then on it was downhill and she was a big distraction. Each of the other coaches tried to get her to cooperate. Each tried their technique of cajoling her with kindness as I was clearly flustered. They all failed but eventually she did turn her attitude around when she accidentally started laughing with one of her friends. Her misbehavior seemed contagious as all of the kids began to play with each other and dig in the dirt and ignore baseball. At one point it looked like a free for all with an army of assistant coaches desperately trying to get the kids focused on the game. This was especially embarrassing as we were playing the best team, coached by the head of the umpires association, with kids that make run down tags and throw outs. But those kids seemed to have the same problem and he was preoccupied keeping them in it too.

My son (the kid with autism) had a great game. He played second base and covered the base every time. He actually looked like a baseball player. He caught a grounder and threw it to first. He played pitcher and made several run downs. He batted well and slid into home when he got around. He was very proud that he got to wear sliding pants today.

This evening I thought about my friend's invitation to speak at the treatment center. I finally spoke to my wife about it. I realized that I should make a better effort to accept this invitation. I felt obliged to give back for the blessings that I have received.

Thanks be to God.

I woke up this Monday with each important task in my week on my mind, My book report due Wednesday, my observation report due Tuesday, my son's baseball instruction, my math homework that I am behind on, the house work and laundry that needs to get done, the yardwork, and the call that I got from my friend about speaking at a treatment center.

I had to exert myself to stop the whirlwind in my mind. I had to let go of my tendency to delve into each issue and try and think everything through only to digress into another one. I had to pray for order and priority and patience. I had to let go and let God guide me through them at the appropriate time, even if that means the eleventh hour.

It occurred to me this day that I am not addressing the ongoing disagreement with the decisions, attitudes, and actions that my wife takes. This has been simmering for some time and she and I are almost distant on a daily basis now. Guess that my disagreement could be best stated as a boundary that I have had to set because she always seems to need me to buy into her level of life management. I am going along with her plan but reluctantly. What sucks is that we are doing what I would like to be accomplishing in life in an education and time raising our children. But, I feel that if she could communicate better then we could place ourselves in a less stressful and secure position. If she could become open to doing fewer of the things that she thinks are important then she would not have an unmanageable life, and would be less angry at me. She would not need so much from me and would not have so many unmet expectations.

I know this can't be healthy for me to take her inventory, but I feel that I can't ignore it any longer.

This Sunday we made it to mass on time in the morning. The kids behaved much better today.

In the afternoon my oldest son had baseball practice. I had a strange feeling that something was not effective about the practice but I couldn't place my finger on it. Perhaps it was ineffective communication with the boys. Or it seemed that we coaches weren't quite sure how to explain what we needed to work on. I individually felt confused the whole time. But it was good to be out there and to get some work in with them.

I persevered to get some school work done in the afternoon despite the fact that my wife was asleep and I had to constantly attend to the children. I managed not to be resentful about this.

At the end of the day the whole family took a walk to the park as the weather was spectacular today. As we started to go, my wife woke up and joined us. We had a fun time while I made observations of attachment styles for my report due Tuesday. I enjoyed discussing this with my wife. I like this about her, that she has interests in these types of subjects. I regret that we are not closer now and couldn't share more intimate moments. The kids got me to chase them through the garden and play hide and go seek.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up on time and had good prayer and got the dishes cleaned and the kids fed quickly.

The kids had baseball games early so we watched baseball to get them mentally prepared. I should have also had them pray for the same reason.

I coached in my older son's game and he did well.

This morning I thought of a slight nuance of the faith vs. science debate; that they are not "oppositional". I also thought again about the concept of the moral inventory as a method to reform the errant motivational forces. While I was doing my math work I learned about the Venn diagram and Eulerian circles, these are the conceptual diagrams that I have been visualizing to represent the structures of the psyche (intellect, emotion, intuition) and their relationship to each other.

This morning I had one of those prayer sessions in which I felt a great sense of divinization and insight.

I realized that I am farther behind in my math class than I thought. I tried to get some work done but kept getting interrupted by my daughter. I grew more and more anxious as I thought about how each day is like this. I began to write a script for the future as futile. At one point thoughts of giving up and quitting school came to mind. But, I asked for help and stuck with it and thought about the fact that she would be taking a nap in the afternoon and I could get some work done then. I did finally get to work steadily. I didn't get much dome but I got something done and I felt enthusiastic about math.

I had a ramdom thought about describing 12 step work to someone new. I thought about relating the moral inventory to managing addictive behaviors. About how regulating the emotions and motivational forces in order to manage the moods and decision making in small daily matters, conditions a person with addiction to have power to resist their deep desires and obsession.

In the evening my parents came over for my daughter's 3rd birthday celebration. I enjoyed spending time with them and sharing laughs and conversation. I had an awkward moment with my dad when I had to insist that we not pursue his idea to have my son pitch at his target contraption. But, surprisingly I misread him and he wasn't really mad and we had a good time. I even got an opportunity to inform him about not talking bad about poor players when he mention how critical parents can be.

Thanks be to God.