In one of my classes we have been talking about Freud's theories.  Most of the lecture has been on the developmental stages.  Finally today the professor talked about the structures of personality.  I was excited about this until the professor's bias seemed to show up again.  He characterized the super-ego as the prohibitive, strict, and overly moral "church lady" and that the ego is the appropriate balancer between the impulsive id and the oppressive super-ego.  In reading Freud, I recall that she characterized the dynamic as such to a certain extinct but most objective descriptions of the theory go on to describe the super-ego as the appropriate conscious.  I believe that the characterization that the professor described was an unhealthy psychic apparatus.

I got to talk to a friend about spiritual matters.  he seemed to need to talk and had a lot to talk about.  In fact I began to notice that it was very difficult to engage in a two way discussion. It seems that he has a real hard time stopping his mind from moving through an endless chain of thoughts.  Interestingly our conversation drifted into a discussion about the practice of contemplation to gain control of the stream of consciousness.

While doing math homework I experienced this condition where my mind just does not want to retain the information.  It seems that since I have no internal interest in the information my mind is not doing a thorough job of retaining it.  I must be willing to develop an interest in this.  I should ask God for help.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I woke up at a decent hour and got the boys going to go with me to early mass.  The KOfC had it's corporate communion this morning.  I was worried about making it there on time and as we started running late I got short tempered with the boys.  I was also anxious because I didn't know what I was expected to do.  Everything was just fine and I was grateful for the opportunity to worship together with my new fraternal brothers and for the opportunity to be a part of building up our parish.  I was however disappointed in myself for allowing the boys to dissuade me from attending the reception afterward.  It was a great opportunity to network with the men but I was a little uncertain about how the boys would behave and I was afraid of a public fit.  I should trust God more next time.

When I came home my wife was in a frenzy to get herself and the girls off to mass in time to set up the children's liturgy.  She bickered with me and then had an angry outburst when I said that the event at the previous mass was for the families.  She acted as if I neglected inviting her. I should have explained my uncertainty in a less vigorous manner.

I tried to do homework in the afternoon but only got a little done.  I also worked on my job search obligation but spent most of the afternoon migrating files from my old to new computer.

I saw a litte of a program about the patients in an emergency room with severe medical problems.  One guy beat his woman in front of his child and jumped out of a 5th floor.  I was grateful for a peaceful life and stable health today.

I got to talk to a friend with less than 30 days sobriety today.

Thanks be to God.

This morning during prayer my alertness and creative thinking were not as on point as yesterday.  I wished that I could have recorded the insights that I received for reflection.  Perhaps I will attempt to recall them after this review.  I went straight out the door and to the ball field without breakfast this morning.  It was a work day at the field.  I was grateful for the opportunity to help as our coach was able to make it due to a funeral.  I spent all morning out there and got to make some good connections with other dads and coaches. I enjoyed it so much that I lost track of time and panicked when I saw that it was 2:00 and my wife might not work.

Back at home I found out she was not working so I took my son to the park to practice.

In the evening we had a great dinner and I ran an errand for my wife.  I regret not getting any home work done and I am worried about it for tomorrow.  I might not go to mass.  I was also worried about not making the 12 step meeting tonight.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning in ethics class we talked about 3 bases for ethical decisions.  These weren't out of the textbook, they were typed and lectured by the professor.  No citations were noted.  There seemed to be a dichotomy set up with a bias.  I felt as if his agenda was to lay the groundwork for moral relativism.   

In looking them up tonight I found that his descriptions are slightly, but critically, out of order.  He set up consequentialism in opposition to intuitism and labled intuitism as ethical egoism.  But I found ethical egoism to be a form of consequentialism.

He also used examples of the Catholic church's morality and decision making in a disparaging tone.  He described decisions about abortions in hospitals as if they were indisputably unreasonable and described Catholic confession as if it were a ineffectual form of praying away people's behavioral or psychological problems.  I intuitively reserved interjecting here as a matter of prudence but it bothered my conscience.

In thinking back about it, I probably made the right choice as I would not have been allowed to make an adequate defense and it would have distracted greatly for the class topic.  Also, I am sure that better opportunities will arise and I could e better prepared to respectfully defend the church.

After class I got to work with a newly sober person on taking his 12 step program.  We talked about step 1. I took the approach of drawing the key concepts from the wording of the step itself and working on each subconcept breaking them down like a factor tree.  I think that I ought to investigate and map out this idea further. In looking up insanity in the Big Book, my student pointed out a phrase to me as a definition of insanity that I don't recall using before, "Whatever the precise definition of the word may be, we call this plain insanity. How can such a lack of proportion, of the ability to think straight, be called anything else?"


Insanity: a profound lack of proportion of the ability to think straight.


I bickered with my wife today on several home management matters today.  In thinking back to the source of my discontent I see that I was lacking tolerance and patience with her.

I griped at my kids tonight about pestering me with demands.  I yelled commands to rouse them to action to clean up and get ready for bed after they repeatedly(?) ignored me.  My oldest son protested and I assigned  him sentences.  I revoked them when I thought back about it and realized that I made decisions that contributed to that situation and I actually was impatient.  I sat them down for fruit salad and apologized to them but stood firm about the requirement to stay on schedule and do their duties.  I need to complete and post the daily schedule that I was working on.

I worked on math a little

Thanks be to God.

This Tuesday I used the learning lab at school again.  I went before class and stayed after and made a better decision about using my resources.  I wished that I had used them last semester and questioned my need for a new laptop.

Today I thought of the virtue of legacy.

I was offended by professor bias again today.

This morning I woke up on time and got a good start to the day with effective prayer and meditation.  I listened to a talk about the biblical story of the rich young man.  The priest related the story to holding on to things and being unwilling to exert ourselves in spiritual discipline in order to grow in holiness.  He talked about our struggles to give up our ease and do what we don't want to do.  He used examples like sports professionals who when they wish to move to the next level like from high school to college or from amateur sports to professional, of how they must sacrifice many things and freedoms and put in the work to achieve that skill level.  I thought of how I have struggled this weekend to complete my math assignment. On Friday it seemed so hard to get anywhere. I thought I would never be able to stay focused because I do not have a natural interest in math.  I thought that I would never be able to understand it because I have lost much of my mental faculties.  I thought that I will never be able to adjust my need to work piece meal without distractions and interruptions from my family and other obligations.  But I just tried a little harder and persevered a little longer when I was ready to give up. I prayed and considered that I have a duty to try despite my will to quit.

By Saturday evening my ideas and attitudes had changed.  I got caught up.  I felt that I had broken through my mental block and my memory was refreshed.  I gained momentum and interest and confidence that I can do this school work.  I also gained a new sense and optimism that I could maintain a spiritual life on God's terms that would keep me with Him.

We mad it to mass on time and in good spirits.  My wife and I bickered a little before.  I should have spoken a little more respectful to her when we were getting ready.  I had to have a little behavior correction talk with the kids when we got home.  Nothing major but I was grateful for the ability to speak authoritatively and with confidence of good parenting strategy.  I felt a strong sense of unity with my wife in our growth together as parents.

In the afternoon I had to resolve a problem with our printer/scanner in order to be able to send in school assignments.  I had worked on this yesterday and learned that I needed to rearrange equipment configuration in our (my wife's) office.  This required that I completely deconstruct the huge mess and bring order to the room while my wife was away at a birthday party.  Predictably when she got home she got upset and we got into an argument about it.  There was a point where I lost my temper.  But something unusual happened.  I won the argument.  I have always known that I have this potential but have never been able to maintain my mental capacity.  I always get to angry and get a mental block.

Nevertheless, I still need to apologize to her and make amends.

I felt guilty in the afternoon because I did not make time to meet with a new guy to do his step work.  I struggled to justify leaving home and doing something other than attending to my families needs.  In the evening I started have the same struggle to justify going to a meeting.  I managed to get myself out the door and get to the meeting.  My friend the new guy was there.

One of those synchronous God moment happened tonight.  We were reading from the chapter Bill's story.  A line caught my attention, "Out of this ally of drink and speculation, I commenced to forge the weapon that one day would turn in its flight like a boomerang and all but cut me to ribbons." I thought of how Bill tells of the events, interests, culture, and attitudes of his time when he developed his addiction to alcohol.  I always wondered why he included so much about himself, his war record, Wall Street, Golf, cross-country travelling, etc.   I thought perhaps it was because his self-image and and attitudes were so integrated into this
alcoholic delusion fable.

I thought of my own addiction fable and how it was fueled with drink and expirementation and attached to the counter culture of my time.  I remembered my attitudes them when I began to rebel against all the ominous warnings I received.  I was told that if I indulged in vices and sins that they would turn on me like a boomerang.  But I had begun to try these things and enjoyed them seemingly with impunity.  I remembered that song by the Stones "I'm free to do what I want any old time."

For a long time, like Bill, I lived the high life with friends in high places.  I came out of my introversion and did things and met people like I never could before.  I became part of a scene and ran with a crew of guys that weren't losers or sots.  I drank the finest drink and snorted the finest blow.

But eventually it turned on Bill and drinking became a necessity not a luxury.  Alcohol became his master and he drank "Bathtub Gin", two bottles a day.  For me it was a twelve pack a day and some "Bathtub crank."

When the meeting was opened up for sharing, the weird thing was that two guys shared about the boomerang before me.  At the end of the meeting a guy shared about how he like Bill was now experiencing the "fourth dimension of existence." About how he was now truly free.

I got to read the paragraph where Bill's friend stressed the importance of working with others.  I thought this was synchronous also as I almost didn't go to the meeting and I was thinking that I don't have time to work with the new guy for good reasons. At the end of the meeting my enthusiasm was renewed and the new guy asserted a specific time commitment from me... awesome!

Thanks be to God.

This morning i woke up feeling physically well and was able to pray with clarity.  When I got the kids up and we said their morning prayer together.  My oldest daughter enchanted me when she asked to watch the religious kids shows that they used to watch.  I was really worried about getting caught up on math.  My wife worked late last night and was still in bed when I finished feeding the kids and cleaned up and got them going and dressed.  I finally just had to get to work in my room while she slept.  I remembered to give the kids clean up chores before letting them play.

After lunch I tasked my oldest son to practice baseball for 45 minutes which he did with due diligence.  I got to talk to a sponsee on the phone in the afternoon.  I also got my employment search emails out.

In the evening my mom and dad came to visit and brought us dinner.  We watched the Ken Burns video on baseball.  They enjoyed seeing the kids play the Wii before that.

With hard work and perseverence I got my math work caught up.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I found myself worrying about not being able to live up to sponsor and service commitments in 12 step groups.  I realized that this is a recurring worry since the beginning of the semester.  Yesterday I went so far as to think about whether I should change my willingness to take on sponsees and what my obligation is.

This morning in Ethics class we had some lively discussion about 2 dilemmas.  It was a great test me to advocate my thoughts and ideas and yet remain flexible in thought and communication.

This morning I found myself thinking about the nature of religion as the psychological philosophy of the ages.  Most religious principles direct people in the right behaviors that will brink order of mind, sanity, effective relationships, and benefit to society.

Today was my second day back to school for the new semester.  I enjoyed talking to my classmates in the student lounge.  It was interesting to see the makeup of my classes of Human Service and Addictions Counseling majors and how they differ from the normal population.  I had an awkward mid day trying to figure out whether to come home or not.  I went to the thrift store and found baseballs and a basketball for the kids.  I worried over whether I should have bought a new computer or not.  At the used electronic store I saw a bargain laptop that could have saved me a lot of money.  I am worried about not getting math done again today.

I am grateful to have an idea of what we will be studying and to feel very optimistic about it.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Today I woke up on time and with a great deal of optimism to be productive. My biggest task for the day was to get some math work done.
After getting the kids fed, I set about doing some cleaning.  In time I got resentful that my wife was still sleeping and I wanted to get things done.  When she finally did get up and about I took my oldest son outside for some baseball practice.  I was a little disappointed that we didn't get more work in.  I just didn't have the initiative to think of good practice tasks.  I got to take the dog for a walk with my 2 girls to the park.  During lunch we watched a show about Martin Luther King Jr. and had some good conversation with the kids about the civil rights movement.  Later my wife was agreeable about getting rid of some clutter and I straightened up my garage. She went on some errands and I watched the kids.  I tried to get the math work done but I got continually interrupted.  I got resentful at my wife because she called me about 4 times to ask questions about groceries that she should have known. During the time after dinner while I was cleaning up and getting the kids bathed I got to watch Intervention.  I got to talk to a friend in recovery on the phone.  At the end of the day I got back to the math and got very despondent when I realized how much I have forgotten.

Looking back, their are a lot of things that my wife did for me, our family, and our home that I just can't do alone like grocery shopping, laundry, resale, etc. despite what time she woke up.
Perhaps I am worrying too much about falling behind in my math class when I am not behind yet and thus I am feeling resentful.
I need to try and be more patient and considerate with everyone and pray for acceptance and just focus on the tasks at had today.

I am grateful for my wife for the work she puts in to keep us fed and our household going.
I am grateful for the opportunity to go back to school.
I am grateful for the time I get to spend guiding my kids.
I am grateful for the sober life that I get to have today.

Thanks be to God.

This morning:
woke up late, wife fed kids
stayed home with sick kid
disappointed that wife sold philosophy book
heard description of man's transcendent nature
spoke to old mentor in recovery
accidentally called old sponsee
purposely called current sponsee
looked into maintenance of laptop and did some good optimization
Spent quality time alone with son #2 while wife took other kids to party, I taught him to bowl better on the Wii
Cooked dinner for the kids
Went to meeting at night, book study, we read the Doctor's Opinion.
Went to group conscience, provided new format
Gave an old friend a ride home and had a great talk
Ran out of time to write inventory in complete sentences

This Wednesday I spent most of the day preparing for the coming semester. I researched and ordered books and ran some other errands.  It seemed like the time between kid drop offs and pick ups went by really quickly and that I didn't get much done.

I got to have a talk with someone new in recovery.  I had the feeling like I talk too much about subjects that a new person might not be ready to digest.  I also felt like I don't have an adequate, simple 3 point script for the first talk.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This Monday morning I had a sleeping habits fail.  I was late getting to sleep the night before and I had a hard time waking up.  Then after dropping off the first set of kids I came home and passed out.  My wife had said that she was taking the last kid to her preschool but she too stayed asleep and the child never made it there.  Of course I blamed her but truth be told, if I had stayed awake, I could have taken the child.

This day I thought about a conversation I had recently with someone new to recovery.  The person told me that they were addicted to a new drug called methedrone, or mephedrone.  I looked them upped and was aroused by what I read.  Apparently this drug has much of the same type of affect as cocaine and methamphetamine except it is longer lasting.  I have to admit that thoughts of what they would be like occurred to me.  I had to resist them and exert myself to re-place these thoughts with my current values and goals like family, children, school, philosophical pursuits, etc.   Now that I think about it, I don't think that I ever prayed it away, so I will do so now.

In the evening we had guests over for dinner.  It was my cousin and his family. Afterward, my wife thanked me for being a good sport because she knows I would rather have a quiet evening and not be bothered with the prep work.  I was grateful that I didn't show much irritation to her, which I did have.  This inspired me to try harder.

Thanks be to God for this day.

All that I remember about this Tuesday is that I got to go to a meeting in the evening.  It was the last session of our process of taking group inventory.  We read each remaining tradition on the list and the accompanying questions for each.  With each set we shared on our observations and experiences related to them.

I was initially not enthusiastic about this and started out to go to a different meeting.  But I thought this was selfish so I turned my truck around and went to my home group.  Once again I enjoyed this meeting and felt like it was a great benefit to our group.

Thanks be to God.

This morning as we were preparing for mass I got a little irritable with my wife and oldest son and griped at them.  I had to apologize.  Our priest talked about the virtue of humility and about seven tests of whether one is prideful or humble.  One was a test of our irritability with others when they don't meet our expectations.  I have room for improvement.

I was grateful to get some house cleaning done today while my wife was out on errands.

I got to do some inspirational reading about philosophy today.  I thought about the ideas of a universal set of values, theory of right behavior (moral philosophy), and that the word "philosophy" means the love of wisdom.

This evening I got to go to a meeting.  I got to speak to a young person and a peer type person who are both in recovery.  Our reading was the last pages of "A Vision for You".  I thought about my walk into recovery and how the spiritual experience, the common mission in the book, and the fellowship i craved have been given unto me when I sought God's will.  I also thought about how this is a renewable resource when I follow the mission of helping others.  My newest renewal is the enthusiasm I feel at the prospect of new people in the new year.

Thanks be to God.

This Saturday started early with a mass and initiation rite into the KOFC.  It was a long arduous event but I was grateful for the opportunity to increase my integration into this fraternity of like minded family men.  I really enjoyed attending mass at a different church.  I was really pleased to see the priest who was my last confessor.  I was very edified to hear his homily that we should not allow the organization to become divisive in our congregation nor should we make it an idol.

I found the rituals of the initiation to be both profoundly thought provoking and moderately troubling.  I can see room for improvement but yet conveying the same principals.  I remember my dad warning me about this.

In the afternoon I got to practice baseball with my younger son.  I also got to do some follow up yard work before the rain that was forecast.

My wife worked in the evening while I stayed home with the kids.

Thanks be to God.

This Friday morning I got off to a good start.  I got up on time, got the kids fed and off to school.  I had good energy and initiative and did a great deal of yard work and ran errands.  I finally got my oil changed.  I had some revolutionary thoughts about the spiritual life, I wish that I could remember them.

In the evening I got to go to a 12 step meeting.  I went to one of my favorite groups but found that it was a speaker meeting.  The speaker was a guy that I have seen before who doesn't even attend the fellowship of the group.  Outside the meeting I got to talk to a new person.  When the meeting started I decided to seek out a different group.  

I went to a group that I rarely attend.  Their meeting was an unusual format and an unusual book, "Living Sober".   I have to admit that I almost left that one also due to my preconceptions of that book.  But as the meeting transpired and I read some of the book, I was surprised to find the content appealing.  It seems that with an open mind, through the lens of the 12 step principles, and with consideration of the intention of the book, it was incredibly appealing and made a lot more sense.  I thought of it as sort of a text about the steps before the steps.  I got to meet some good people.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Last night I had a using dream.  It got me thinking that years of engaging in such an arousing activity leave a huge volume of memory that perpetuates itself in the psyche and is the source of the chronic nature of addiction.  Thank God for a process of psychic change in which convictions based on the commands of a higher power are invoked to neutralize the power of arousal.

I had a very hard time waking up this morning but once I got going I had a refreshingly decent sense of initiative and got the outdoor Christmas decorations put away and made a great dent on the leaf cleanup in my yard.  I even had enough energy to play some kickball with my kids.

I went to a meeting at my home group in the evening.  It was a group inventory meeting.  I almost went to a different group as I wasn't enthusiastic about the format.  I was pleasantly surprised at how it went.  I did however notice that there were a number of new faces.  I realized that this is a time of year, right after the holidays, when many new people are prompted to try to get sober.  This gave me a sense of enthusiasm to make meetings.

This morning it was hard to wake up again but I did get up and get the kids to school on time.  Also, I had a normal energy level and didn't feel terribly fatigued (although I was sore from the Wii) and I never had to take a nap.  I did vow to do my best to get to bed on time tonight and I plan to keep that shortly.

I got to talk to a friend in recovery today.  I talked alot about work related subjects of interest.  It was a helpful conversation to me because I seemed to recover a sense of professional capability that I seemed to have lost.  Afterward however I thought about how little I had to say about recovery and the spiritual life.  It was as if I lost some motivation or sense of being a recovered addict.

I had a moment of exhiliration this morning when I took a detour while on an errand.  I went to the top of a hill where a new road was built.  It is poised on the edge of plateau where a fault line causes a geographic uplift.  I viewed a panoramic vista of my region of the county that I hadn't ever seen before which is in a location that I have passed near for years.

This afternoon I spent some quality time practicing catching and throwing with my autistic son.  I realized that I needed to rehearse receiving the ball at first base and give him a chance to play that position this spring.  He still has problems with his coordination but also may just need to be motivated to execute.

I regretted spending too much money on dinner last night.
I regretted spending too much money on groceries today.
My wife and I argued once over some trivial matter but we cut it out and didn't stay sore.
I should have tried to go to a meeting today.

This evening I watched celebrity rehab. Watching addicts struggling in early recovery and watching addicts with some clean time talk to them really rejuvinated my passion for recovery.

Thanks be to God.

Today was the first day back to school.  It was painful to wake up at the early time but we did better than I expected and made it to school early. My daughter was eager to go back and see her friends and teacher but at the drop off she expressed some separation anxiety.  I was awkward handling it but her ex teacher stepped in and took care of it.  I need to plan a strategy.

I seemed to regain my meditation ability today.  That is, I regained my control of mental focus.  I thought of the mind as a corridor, at the end is God, the light.  Along the walls are doorways.  Some doors are opened some are closed.  Some should be opened, some should be closed.  Some have the doorways broken off, but there is a door of spiritual force closing the doorway.  The doors that should be opened are the affairs in my life.  I must move back and forth and attend to them at the appropriate times.  I must glance in them and sometimes enter into them partially to plan accordingly.   But they all beckon me, and sometimes this becomes a din of voices sending rushing back and forth in the corridor fretting over my plans.  This can assume a frantic pace.  I can get crazy and plan incessantly and excessively.

In meditation I focus on the light at the end of the hall and gently close all the doors.  If I lose focus I begin to hear the voices from behind the doors clamoring for my attention.  Sometimes the forces within the doors throw them open and chatter incessantly until I draw power from the light to close them again.  I may go back and forth like this until I achieve focus.

When I spend appropriate time here I draw enough strength from the light to control my attention span.  Then I can plan on goals of virtue in all my activity for the day.  In this way I carry a vision of God's will into all my activities.

This also got me thinking about the doorways that must stay shut.  In most of those doorways are a variety of spiritually taxing pursuits like politics, celebrity gossip, selfish pursuits, etc.  In some are vices like resentments, personal injunctions, self pity, self centered thinking, etc.  In one of those doorways there are two hookers and an eight ball.

This morning my wife informed me that our dog was missing.  I was a little upset by this but I started thinking about dog psychology which eased my worries.  I thought about how she was probably wandering around a small radius in our neighborhood.  I noticed some evidence of digging in the ground outside the front window and envisioned her finding her way back in the middle of the night only to be locked out and then wandering away again.  I drove around after dropping the kids off but didn't see any sign of her.  Later in the morning I set out to look for her again.  When I walked out the door I found dig marks that I didn't see before.  On a hunch I went in the direction of our walks to the park.  At the park I saw two men staring in the same direction across the busy thoroughfare as if they might have just seen a stray, aimless dog almost get hit crossing the road.  I went passed the intersection but turned into the neighborhood in the direction the men were looking and doubled back to where she would have entered.  I circled around a couple of blocks and found wandering aimlessly in a yard.

I brought our dog home safely.
I helped do kid drop offs and pick ups today.
This evening I got to play Wii games.
I got to take my middle son to buy shoes tonight, it was quality one-on-one time.

Thanks be to God for all the good things He did for me today.

This Monday I was very late waking up.  On Sunday night I had a hard time getting to sleep and then woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep.  But when I did get up, I resolved to set it behind me and make the most out of the day.  I did a lot of yard work and ended up with a great sense of productivity for the day.

In the evening I went to my first KOFC council meeting.  It had a strange feel for me.  I felt out of place by age and social status.  I wasn't really that out of place but I felt that way.  The guys there were very friendly so I know it was just me.  I also thought the rituals were awkward, but I could get used to them.  I thought about how important this is for my family.  I thought about how this is the way that I need to get involved in a family appropriate organization at my church.

Thanks be to God.

Today was a very busy day.  We went to mass in the morning and then a Christmas Party in the afternoon.  In the evening I went to a 12 step meeting.

I had an interesting dilemma for the past 3 mornings in that I have struggled to get through meditation.  It seems to be a congruence with the fact that I said in a meeting the other night that I felt like and expert at meditation and prayer.  This has troubled me greatly because it just doesn't seem right but I was trying to make a point.  I was trying to convey the message that we don't have to stay stuck. That we don't have to settle for mediocrity in our spiritual practices.  That we should set a goal to improve in understanding and effectiveness.  Nevertheless, I still felt that I could have said it a different way.

I heard a very good talk by Fr. Barron this morning.  He talked about a different view of Christ the King and the spiritual realm.  What struck me in particular was his view of the angels as extra dimensional beings that would appear very imposing and invoke fear.  That angels were not the docile tame creatures that they are typically portrayed as.

This evening when I arrived at the meeting I realized that it was city wide birthday night.  I was able to be the one to initiate set up of the room.  But then I really didn't want to stay there.  I dreaded the thought of that type of meeting with an endless list of speeches.  But as the crowd gathered I became motivated by the old friends that I had not seen in a long time and the new faces that I had never seen.  I decided to stay for one speaker and kept that going one speaker at a time. There were several points where I had to turn to God to free me from my critical nature.  Mid way through the meeting God removed my apathy and restored my enthusiasm and gratitude.  I truly enjoyed being a part of the recovery community.

I had few thoughts to jot down tonight:

Complete Psychic Change - profound and fundamental rehabilitation of the guiding forces, instinctual drives, and motivational values 

Strategy - retool the conscience, replace the values, revive the spirit

Thanks be to God for this day.

This New Years Day I felt like I had a hangover.  I forced myself out of bed at a reasonable time, given how late we were up, so that I could keep the kids close to their proper schedule.  I was grateful that I was just tired and wasn't suffering the effects of alcohol or other substances.

I also felt spiritually flat at some level this day.  I felt as if my faith was depleted somehow.

We had a good day doing yard work and practicing baseball.  But at the end of the day I was very tired and didn't go to a meeting.

I was grateful that I did an evening review 324 out of 365 days last year.

Thanks be to God for the beginning of another great new year.