This Saturday morning we had a baseball game at 9:00 am and then another at noon.  After the first game and post game meetings and such we gathered ourselves in front of the concessions and tried to determine our course of action amidst the chaos of kids chattering and parents reacting.  My wife decided that we needed to go eat at a restaurant.   I suggested that we eat at the concession stands.  At the restaurant we enjoyed ourselves some but we also bickered over kids not wanting to eat.  I got resentful because my instincts had told me that the kids didn't really like this food but my wife can't accept it.

My older son's team lost.  He pitched a great game and hit well also.  His team also hit well but the other team made great infield plays that prevented us from scoring.

This Friday I found myself worrying about a multitude of things all at once.  It was around 10:30 am just at the time of day when I am typically in my most attuned state of mind.   I was worried about staying on task.  I was anxious about math homework.  I was worried about the presentation paper that I must write.   I was worried about not doing 12 step work.  I was worried about making appointments and getting important tasks done this day.  I was worried about making the wrong choice and stopping at the thrift store.  I was worried about scheduling and the Knights of Columbus wives dinner on Sunday night.  I was worried about being isolated due to having to care for my kids.  I was worried about preparing for baseball games this weekend.  I was worried about my house being a mess and the yard work that needs to be done and bulky pick up that needs to be put out and the cars need to be washed and whether or not the bank would let me make a withdrawal, etc.

I am not sure if these are all the things that I was worried about but I wanted to make a special effort to remember this because I struggle to think of true feelings to review in my evening reviews.  Lately it seems that I have just been journaling events of the day rather than my true states of mind or spirit.

I got to have a wonderful lunch at a restaurant with my daughter on her insistence.  She saw a restaurant patio and said "Daddy I wan't to eat I am hungry.  I want to eat at a pink restaurant like that one."  I found a Mexican restaurant that suited her because it had some pink in the decor and she liked the palm trees.  We had a nice Lenten lunch of cheese enchiladas and a grilled cheese sandwich.

I got to go to a meeting in the evening.  We talked about the second half o step twelve.  As usual I was on good track with my thoughts but when I shared I got side tracked a little and was disappointed.  But it kept me thinking about the application of the work in all areas of my life.

I had a discussion with a guy after the meeting that really got me thinking about taking spiritual initiative and the spiritual lead in couples relationships.

Thanks be to God.

This morning in Counseling Theories class we got to talk more about transactional analysis which I found very interesting.

I got almost nothing done in math as I started a new chapter.  I was heavily distracted and had math nausea.

At noon I went to the 12 step meeting.  The attendees decided to have a study session for our addictions class instead.  I had mixed feelings about this but since the meeting is not affiliated with any 12 step fellowship there are no traditions to cite as binding.  One girl said she was shaky and wished for a meeting.  But this was quickly drowned in the chaotic study group.  I just sat and listened mostly as I was unprepared for the test.  I also noticed that I had a type of anxiety that I experience when many voices are speaking at once in a group.

I believe that I did well on the test.

In the afternoon I cleaned up a section of the yard for a garden for my kids.

Thanks be to God.

This Tuesday I had a very busy morning.  I thought some about guarding my thought life and watching for slips in allowing the impulsive motives to linger.

I spent 30 minutes on one math problem in the morning but completed the first chapter for the week in the afternoon.

In the evening my son had a baseball game.  His steam was short a player and there was a couple of times that this affected there performance.  There were also two players that did not show up.  The boys made some great plays as did the other team.  It was a thriller in the end with some baserunners thrown out from the outfield. At one point my son got thrown out at second on a great play by the other team.  He cried when he got to the bench.  I was actually proud of his passion rather than worried about his hurt feelings.  I let his team mates give him encouragement as I had seen him give them earlier in the game for their mistakes.  He got to pitch the last inning and did very well.  The game ended tied.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we woke up on time and made it to mass.  Our Gospel reading today was the account of the transfiguration of Jesus.  My wife and I spoke about this late last night in preparation for her leading of the children's ministry today.  I thought of how this event signaled a number of faith transformations.  The transformation of how Jesus was understood, that he would no longer be viewed as simply a prophet, healer, or social reformer.  That the God of Abraham would no longer be just for the chosen people but for all men.  That mankind would evolve from faith based on earning favor through law abidance and sacrificial offerings, to faith based on love of God and man.  That faith would be based on transformation rather than transaction.

My younger son got to carry the Bible in the procession of the children to their liturgy.  I ran into the Grand Knight of the KOFC and sheepishly apologized for not participating in the golf tournament.  He asked me to attend the officers meeting tomorrow night.

I listened to a sermon about the Gospel and heard mention of the psychological concept of the peak experience.   I recalled that I had heard about this before and equated it to the "spiritual experience" in the AA Big Book.  This is the feeling of epiphany on has when they experience a trans-formative event in their lives.  I read about it mostly from Maslow but also from Flow psychology.  The psychologists seek to naturalize what was previously thought of as a religious experience.  I thought of this as simply an objective description of a spiritual, religious experience that is a natural process.  I had a peak experience today with the Gospel.  This had a trans-formative effect on me.

In the afternoon I got to take my son to baseball practice.  We enjoyed working together, I got to pitch in the batting cage.  The coach worked with the pitchers, having them take turn pitching to live batters.  My son got to play catcher, bat and pitch.  He did well, probably best at all positions.  The coach talked alot about pitching issues. He said my son pitched best of them all, although he still doesn't seem to have faith in him.  We also got to talk about next year when the boys move up.  I was pleased to hear that he will probably be coaching again.

Back at home after the kids went to bed I did the last of my math homework that was overdue.  It was difficult and frustrating at times but I finally got it done.  I felt afraid and I wanted to give up.  Our instructor sent an email around the time I was finishing up informing us that we are officially half way through.  I am officially caught up also.  I looked at my overall grade so far and was pleasantly surprised.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I remembered again that I was having a using dream last night.  I have thought about and intended to write about this all week but have not had time or neglected this practice.  As a matter of priority when I sat down this morning to write I reviewed yesterday first.

When I woke up from the dream, I recognized that I had no significant recollection of the circumstances in the dream.  I just remembered that I was using.  In the dreams that I had this week I noticed an extraordinary difference from the using dreams that I usually have.  In each dream the only thing I was aware of was the part where I was high.  This is the exact opposite of most using dreams.  In most of these dreams I remember wanting, trying, preparing, and chasing the high.  But, I rarely remember actually getting high.  Sometimes I do remember it but it is only a small part of the dream.  I have some more thoughts about this but must get back to my school work.

Today I experienced something I had forgotten about.  I found that I had huge memory gaps in the factoring problems I was working on.  It seems that my shift last night back thinking about intra-personal logical concepts somehow affected my retention of the math lessons I worked on the past couple of days.

This Friday morning I didn't get us back on schedule as I had planned.  In fact, I woke up later than the rest of the week.

I had to make a decision after breakfast as whether to go on a Spring Break outing with my family or to stay home and do school work  It was a chaotic morning in which I fluctuated back and forth and we argued about where to go.  Eventually we decided to go to a nearby town to a river park.

While on our outing I had several instances of impatience and irritability with my children.  In each of these cases the kids needed authoritative control or correction.  They were either being rambunctious, demanding, or in potential danger.   But, in each case I overreacted.  I griped, shouted, or tugged them excessively.  This is something that I loath when I see another parent doing it in public and I was that parent at times.

Overall we did have a good time and as my wife advised me it is a critical part of the children's development.  I am grateful that we got to spend the day together at the park.

When I came home I was disappointed that I am further behind in math than all semester as I still have not completed the assignments that were due on Monday. Paradoxically, since we do not have assignments due this coming Monday (for Spring Break) I will be back on schedule.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting.  When I started out I had reservations and thought about how I could get more done at home.  But I went as a matter of schedule.  I found myself feeling uptight and out of sync away from home.  I thought about how I needed the alone time whether I felt it or not.  At a point after a short prayer I felt a sigh of decompression come over me.  It was just as the intuition had struck me.  I had a long thought, perhaps a share, about my need for active recovery and a spiritual program.

Our meeting topic was staying on the beam and keeping up our spiritual program of action.  It was just the thing I had thought about on the way. Our meeting size was smaller than usual and there was some silence before two of us chimed in.  I got to share second.

Thanks be to God.

Recently it has hit me just how much of a dose of humility that I am receiving by getting an education.  I am seeing just how much more knowledgeable, intellectually developed, and capable many people I know are than me.  I guess I have always acknowledged this to some degree but is more profound now that I can it in greater depth and dimension.

This morning I got off to a bit of a late start again.  I suppose this was due to the time change.

I got the kids fed, did some cleaning and then worked on some school work.  I was anxious again about my upcoming assignments.

My wife and I bickered over purchasing sod for the lawn.

I got the kids to play outside a lot today.  I practiced with my oldest son and then my youngest asked me to play with her.  I played with my two daughters and then my middle son joined us.

My wife was away all afternoon and evening.  After midnight I couldn't sleep so I got up and did some more school work.

Thanks be to God.

This Monday I did some school work and some yard work.

In the afternoon we went to our church and took family photos for the church directory.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting.  When I walked up a friend gave me a comment that I looked good, that I had a glow.  I answered that it is from good living, from having a good wife and kids.  Another guy made a cynical comment that I must mean that they make you work the program.  I just laughed and thought about how blessed I am.

I just listened in the meeting.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we woke up on time and made it to mass.  This was especially noteworthy given that we lost an hour of sleep due to daylight savings time.  Everyone behaved fairly well but both boys fidgeted alot and kept tugging at me which was very distracting.  I don't recall at the moment what the gospel reading was.  I talked a lot with my sons about recalling our sins before the mass started.  I guided them in the process examining the past days to see the daily mistakes we make like griping at each other, disobeying, breaking rules, not sharing, etc.  Now I recall that our first reading was the temptation of Eve and Adam and the original sin, and the gospel was Jesus tempted in the desert.  This is the basis of the Lenten practice of abstinence.  I thought of my own difficulties with temptation and worldly dependencies.

My thoughts and prayers were with Japanese people again today.  I saw personal accounts of being caught up in the tsunami and of seeing loved ones swept away.   This was much more moving than the coverage of the material disaster of the past few days.

My body was a bit tires today from the yard work I did yesterday.  I was disappointed that I didn't get any school work done.

I worried today about my lack of twelve step activity lately.   It has been 6 days since I last wrote a journal.  As usual, my kids activities, family obligations, and wife working kept me from making a meeting.  I am grateful to have a wife and kids and that one of us is bringing in some income.

I made a mistake took my son and his siblings to the baseball fields for practice today.  I got the date wrong, it is scheduled for next week.  But since we were all ready to practice and play outdoors, i took them to the park in our neighborhood.  We had a great time and got in some good outdoor activity.

In the evening I was exhausted and fell asleep before the kids were ready for bed.  They woke me up and I can't sleep so I am journaling this day and will perhaps go back through the past week and make some entries.  It has been a wonderful week even though it is one of the most insecure times of my life.  I have experienced incredible insights that I hope to be able to recall.

Thanks be to God.

This Saturday morning we had a tee ball game.  The kids had a great time.  I was grateful to be able to attend another game, that there was no schedule conflict with my older son's team.  There was a moment when another coach that I respect and admire stopped and chatted with me as I was running the dugout.  We had an awkward conversation in which I couldn't hear half of what he said over the noise.  But it was good to hear his encouragement.

 In the afternoon I got out in the back yard and did a lot of yard work. I managed to get my two sons to help quite a bit.  We cut grass, raked and bagged leaves and cleaned up toys.   It was a sunny day and after a while the  grass began to look considerably greener.

In the evening I remembered the second half of the movie "Lourdes" was showing.  I started watching it with my wife but she had to leave for work.  It was a deeply moviong story at times adn I realized that there were many parts that I had forgotten.  I thought about how at each level of the story someone had to overcome their worldly skepticism and find belief.  Even Bernadette herself when she gained some religious formation and education.

Thanks be to God.

This Friday morning I had a good start to the day and good prayers.  Then while making breakfast I turned on the TV and saw early coverage of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan.  It was interesting at first and the magnitude and tragedy of the event did not hit me initially.

Throughout the day I watched the coverage on and off.  I had a hard time concentrating on my school work as the reports and video came in.  As the events unfolded the timescale of waring was reported I began to realize just how terrible it was.  The reports focused much on the destruction of cars, boats, and buildings.  There was also a lot of focus on the geological cause of the event.  But as I watched the video I wondered how many of those vehicles and buildings were occupied.  I heard that the coastal areas only had 10 minutes of warning.

My wife worked all day.  In the evening after dinner when she was home she noticed that I was visibly irritable.  I had hit my child exposure overload threshold and was feeling despondent.   When she asked me what was wrong I denied it of course.  At one point she asked me if I would be attending a fundraiser event at the twelve step club for a friend with cancer.  I thought about how I hadn't even planned to go to a meeting.  I snapped at her thinking it absurd that she thought I would have time for that.  I regretted this later for both reasons, treating her concern as trite, and not supporting my friends.

I think it was better for her that I stayed home.  Plus we had a game scheduled early in the morning.  But if I had planned a little better, I could have made the effort without affecting us much.  I need to make the Friday night meeting a recurring event on my schedule.

Thanks be to God.

This Wednesday Morning I thought about going to Ash Wednesday mass at noon or at five before my son's baseball game.  Before and after class I spent productive time in the learning lab doing math work.  As noon approached I was taking a quiz and forgot about mass.  I was disappointed not to make it as I doubted that I would have time in the evening.  I was especially disappointed with myself when I saw people with ashes on their foreheads at the game.

The game was competitive but they fell behind considerably  towards the middle of the game.  The starting pitcher loaded the bases and the coach put in his son.  His son missed the strike zone wildly and was pulled after two batters.  He cried in the dugout and did not want to reenter the game.   I tried to encourage him but looking back I should have done more.  I was too preoccupied with the game.  My son was put in and looked great as he warmed up and threw about 5 strikes in a row.  I thought this was going to be his moment, that he would at least get us out of the inning.  His mechanics looked great and he was close to the strike zone but he walked the first two batters.  The coach pulled him.  The next pitcher did not fair much better at first but settled in and did fairly well the rest of the game but it was not enough.  Our team lost.

We were deeply disappointed and my son told me several times that it was not fun.  He was very agitated with the mistakes and lack of effort by the younger players.  He was also upset at being thrust into a difficult situation and then being pulled too quick.  We had to have a series of talks the rest of the evening in which I had to teach him how to face adversity and disappointment and walk through it with dignity.  I had to guide him to place his sense of enjoyment on his overall productivity not on the outcome of the game.  I also had to deal with my own disappointment and mixed feelings.  I helped him to see that he had a lot of positives to look at, great hitting, base running, and fielding, and that it is a privilege just to get the opportunity to pitch and that more will come.

I had to put myself in the shoes of the coach and see that he was in a very difficult situation influenced by the unfortunate performance of his son due to a probable developmental delay.  Not to mention the pressures of being a coach.

I have a lot to be grateful for and just needed some time for my feelings to pass.  Thanks be to God.

This Tuesday evening I got to participate in a tee ball game with my middle children.  It was a fun time for all despite some really distracted kids.  I got to talk to the coach a little after the game.  We talked about a variety of things and related to each other in having young children. My daughter really enjoys playing with his daughter. I did however regret talking about a couple of coaches behaviors.  This was unnecessary and might be akin to the sin of calumny or at least gossip.

I wished that I could have made the 12 step meeting this night but I didn't regret spending time with my family and baseball friends.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we made it to mass on time.  Our readings were about God's commandments and will.  I listened to a great sermon about how God directs us as a coach directs a team in the fundamentals.   I was grateful for being able to join friends in communion with God.  I thought about the upcoming Lenten season.

After lunch my wife took the kids to a Birthday party.  During that time I did some tasks that I wanted to do, had to troubleshoot a computer problem, had a phone conversation with a sponsee in recovery and had numerous distractions that delayed me from getting started on school work. On top of this when I did do a chapter's work, I found that it was work that I had already done.  I was irritable when my wife came home.

My wife encouraged me to go to a meeting in the evening.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got off to a good start.  I didn't let my wife get under my skin when she griped at me.  I did some minor cleaning.  I got the kids fed and started off to school and got some financial aide paperwork done.

This Saturday morning my two middle children had a tee ball game.  It was incredibly windy and cool and we had 10 minutes of rain.  I was grateful that my two children were dressed warm enough that they were able to stay focused and participate, some children were not.  My son got to be the pitcher and he made an out at first base.  For this he received a game ball.  He was very proud of his accomplishment.  This was especially meaningful for me given that he is on the autism spectrum.  My older son was not dressed warm enough and got wet and cold and traumatized.  I was proud of him for overcoming this when his game time came following the kids game.  I was especially proud of him for hitting a home run in a clutch situation in the game.

After lunch I passed out hard.  I was disappointed that I didn't get any school work done.

My wife worked all afternoon and I attended to the children and cleaned the house and made dinner.

In the evening we watched the movie "Bernadette." about Bernadette subirous.

Thanks be to God.

My son had his first baseball game of this season this evening.  The team came out and surprised everyone by playing well on defense and pitching.  They did so well that they built a huge lead and the game was mistakenly called.  The other team lined up for the mercy rule but the umpires realized that the game was still too early to be called.  Then the other team crawled back in an stayed alive.  As another and another inning progressed the other team gained confidence and momentum and tied us.  In the end I was disappointed although every one else treated this as a win.  I guess I should do the same and be grateful that the boys played above our expectations.  It was a classic case of the glass being perceived as half empty or half full.  But, my intuition tells me that I can exhort the boys to greater achievement by using the loss aspect in balance with confidence building.  In looking back I realize that my expectations became reset in the middle of the game when the boys looked so good, I expected them to trounce the opponent.  But then the skill ratio equalized.  Perhaps this is how I can communicate this to them.  A big win in the beginning and an opportunity to improve attitude, effort, and execution and finish with a win.

Thanks be to God.

This Thursday I had a test.  I felt unprepared and rushed.  It was the last day and I only had a small time window in the middle of the day to get it done.  I went to class in the morning and when I got out I went to the learning lab to review.  I got through a little material but then  became distracted with sleepiness and hunger.  I decided that I would go eat and then take the test.  I drove across town to the testing center and ate on the way.  When I saw the time I got very worried and anxious because there was not enough time left.  Then my wife called and informed me that my mother would be picking up my first kid.  Thankfully I was able to go review because I was even less prepared than i thought.  When I took the test it took longer than expected and i had to leave 3 questions unanswered.  I was deeply disappointed.  However, I was able to look at it as another case of the glass half full.  At least I got a grade, possibly even a passing one.  Prior to the test this was questionable.

In the evening I took my son and all the little ones to the ball field for practice.

Thanks be to God.

This Wednesday I got to go to a meeting.  It was the noon meeting at my college.  I got to bring the topic so I talked about how I related to the state of mind that Charlie Sheen is showing.  I remembered going through this period of defiant tirade.  My wife remembered it too.  She remembered dates and locations and everything.  I just remember my attitude of thinking I was done with substances by my decisiveness and blaming everyone else and then saying that I deserved that lifestyle and not committing to complete abstinence.  I was grateful that I didn't have "people" validating me and that I didn't have resources to bolster my ego and a huge microphone to record it all.   Thankfully I made it through that and discovered the truth about myself and some measure of humility.

This morning I had to jump out of bed as our alarm was not set.  I had to find a quiet moment alone for prayer.  I thought of a practical term for it, "spiritual alignment."

I talked and thought alot about Charlie Sheen and Moammar Ghaddafi again this morning.  They provided me food for thought although some of it bordered on gossip (gotta watch that).

Watching Charlie's tirade stage made me think of my story.  I was also reading that MHR is back in business with speaker meetings and part of my story came into focus.

In 1986 I read the AA book which inspired me to some contemporary interpretation but I judged AA or outside help as for the old and the lame.

In 1998 I went to treatment (where MH came and spoke) and was inspired to accept sobriety as desirable but judged AA as for the dysfunctional, low functioning, and incorrigible.

In 2002 I accepted AA and the program,  I had a psychic change and spiritual experience, but relapsed.

In 2004 I discovered humility as the answer to keeping it. I learned to put first things first.

Thanks be to God.