This Wednesday morning I darted out in a rush. I decided to take my truck even though my wife warned me that I was low on gas and we made plans that I would take our van with plenty. As I made my way to work I realized what I already knew that I was SO low that I might not make it home. I also realized what I already knew that I didn't have any money for gas. I thought about how it was my wife's fault for using my truck to go and get resale goods.

I immediately turned away from resentful thoughts at my wife. I kept trying to think of resources and I called my wife to make sure that she didn't have any money. I realized after a short time that I kept having judgmental thoughts at my wife and was growing more and more resentful. I caught myself and then prayed and prayed for God to remove my anger. I prayed repeatdly and dilligently. Thoughts came that should me my wrongs for every one of my judgements. Thoughts came that showed me my wife's virtues and why I should be grateful. Unexpectedly I found willingness to examine my own fault also. I realized that I was out of gas because of my vanity of only wanting to drive my black truck.

My wife does an outstanding job of being resourceful and trying to make money for us. I need to make amends to her.

At noon our meeting ended short and I got to stay and listen to a friend.

In the evening my son's friend opened up to me about how he wants to play team sports but never got the chance.

Today at noon we read about step 4 out of the Twelve & Twelve in our meeting. I saw that the thread of balking at personal inventory was a continuous theme throughout the chapter. I found my experience in several of the paragraphs.

- I didn't think I needed in moral inventory
- I didn't think I needed the help of sponsor
... I drank again
- I balked at continuing to take inventory after doing it initially
- I resisted the idea that I needed to continue and be accountable
... I drank again
- I gradually drifted back into managing my disturbances
- I took my inventory but didn't review it with a sponsor
... I drank again

This evening I got to go to my son's team party at the pizza and games place.

Thanks be to God for a great coach, a great group of parents, a great group of kids, and a great season.

This evening I got to carry the message of a family in recovery with my wife at the treatment center that I went to.

Tonight we did something different in that my wife went first. I thought she would be rusty and out of practice as shedoessn't get to go to meetings much these days. She knocked it out of the park. I couldn't believe how good that she did. She spoke about awakenings and perspectives that I didn't have to cover in my talk.

During her talk I saw a point of light open up behind her. It was the unexpected point I light that I have been seeing lately. I don't know if I have mentioned it in my journaling but It has correlated with moments of a spritual connection.

I didn't think that I did very good but several people gave me positive feedback. I was grateful that I get to speak every day at a meeting snd that even on bad days a helpful talk can come together.

I love my life, I love my wife, I love my family...

I love my God.

Last night I was exhausted and fell asleep early. At the end of the day I thought of several times during the day when I considered the value of the experience of every moment of every day.

We had an early start to yesterday. My son and I had our last ballgame of the season.

My parents came over to our house after the game and stayed all day

Today I thought about compartmentilizing the spiritual life and the concept of practicing spiritual pricipals in all affairs. Compartmentalization is when I keep certain ideals in some areas of my life like church and meetings but don't allow them in others.

My wife amd I took a long look at Halloween today.

At noon I got to go to the meeting. I lost my concentration while talking and was disappointed in what I spoke about. Our meeting wrapped up early snd I got to talk to people afterward which is very unusual. Two people told me that they always like what I have to share.

I got to refer the new guy to a couple of faith fellowships today.

This morning I overslept and had to get up and attend to a child before finishing praying. Tonight I am trying to get to bed early to be able to wake up on time tomorrow.

I am grateful that I got to listen to some parenting programming this morning and I found good information on their website today.

I am grateful that I got to go to our noon meeting and read about tradition 3. I talked about how I read about 4 stages of alcoholism and that 3 of those might not qualify as "real" alcoholics but that all stages could benefit from the program. Therefore, I was glad that the requirement was not that I be a real alcoholic but that I simply have a desire to stop.

I am thinking now that I am also glad that it does say there must be a desire to stop because that draws the only definite qualification necessary.

I guess the 4 stages in the Big Book would be social drinker, moderate, heavy drinker, and then real alcoholic.

This evening I was afraid because my wife is preparing to start working nights. Today I talked to the new guy who has been working 2 jobs now for a long time. I am grateful that I do not have to work 2 jobs right now. I see now that the extra work that I will have to do when my wife works will be a joy compared to working another job.

Thanks be to God.

Last night or the night before I had a using dream.

Today at Noon we read from the beginning of "". At a cursory glance I didn't expect to identify with the story but then upon reading it I identified on two main points:
- Feeling socially different
- What happened to me when I drank
As I read it though I thought of how many people feel socially different but don't end up being alcoholic. This to me indicated that they didn't react the way I did to alcohol. While it may have given them some of the social garces that it did to me, it did not take a hold of them and they were able to control it.

Today I started listening to a set of CD's about parenting. This is an answered prayer because I have lately been irritable with my wife that we haven't done any parenting training.

This afternoon my wife informed me that we will be speaking at the rehab soon. I was grateful for this opportunity and started thinking about my story. As i was thinking about it tonight I drifted into vivid thoughts about the combination of sex and drugs. I got drawn in by them and found myself startled by how powerfully they affected me. I realized that my mind had drifted into a desire that I could not go a lifetime without.

I had to take action so I prayed intently for God to remove the thoughts and I called a friend who identifies. He was available and said that he had been thinking about me. We talked about a lot of things and in the end he said that I helped him realize that he needed to take sex inventory in his evening review. In this moment I realized that I need to also.

Tonight I was lustful about my chemo-erotic exploits in my past.
I over valued my desires over God's will.
I was not trusting enough of God to provide me the satisfaction and joy that is in His plan.
I could have turned my heart and desires over to God more completely and immediately when this started to happen.
I could have been more aware that I was fantasizing and entertaining thoughts and turned them off quicker and more willingly.
I was not as clear as I should be about my powerlessness.
I did not believe to the extent that I should that God would restore me to sanity.
Thanks be to God that he did.

This morning I thought some about starting the practice of meditation. Some initials objectives are:
Developing the practice just by dedicating the time
Developing mental focus and centric thinking
Developing a spiritual connection

Today I considered my children's participation in halloween.

At noon we read again about step 12.

We had our last baseball practice tonight.

The new guy at work was talking to another about his christisn music today and I watched the other pull away.

I need to make amends to my wife about griping at her about spending money on the kids costumes.

Thanks be to God.

Today I thought some more about my brother and it taught me about myself. When I surrendered and became compliant it allowed for the light of truth to get a foothold. When I became open-minded it allowed for willingness to begin to grow.

I got to go to the noon meeting.

Today I feel as if I do not get a chance to be thorough at anything. Strangely enough I didn't realize that I feel this way until this moment. I have become more acustomed to this and less disturbed by it. I still need to consider it problematic enough to ask God to remove it.

Tonight I had the opportunity to be systematic in punishing my son for something he did wrong rather than getting emotional about it.

Thanks be to God.

This morning my oldest son didn't wake up in time so I got to go to church with the middle one only. It was good for both of us as I got to give him some focused attention.

I thought again about what my brother talked to me about and thought that if there were something I could say to him would be to consider the scenarion of his experience and that it could be applied to other areas of life like physical care.

Today I had to do a review of yesterday as I didn't do it for last night.

This afternoon I had a wierd headache and took a long restless nap. I had a visitation from an evil entity in a nightmare. I don't recall the circumstances but there was another dream preceding that of encountering a thief in a truck backed up to my garage.

I woke up feeling remorseful about wasting time sleeping. But I woke up amd got a lot of home maintenance done and recovered a sense of accomplishment for the day.

Thanks be to God for a good day.

This Saturday I got the kids going in the morning with breakfast and I remembered again to select the religious cahnnels for Saturday morning kid's programming. At noon we had a baseball game and Barbeque afterward. We played the team that won the chanpionship in the spring. It was interesting to compare the difference in the way the inequity was handled differently.

My brother joined us for the game and came to my house afterward. He helped me with a problem that I had with my truck. While my truck problem presennts a huge issue that I need to overcome financially, logistically, and emotionally. It presented an opportunity for us to spend some time set apart together. My son shadowed us the whole time.

My brother has some difficult health problems that he spoke to me about. And he has had some vocational difficulties also. As he told me about them he culminated by telling me that he hit a breakpoint where he surrendered his will and that some good fortune came after. He totally caught me off guard by saying that he got help from "the man upstairs".

This Saturday I got the kids going in the morning with breakfast and I remembered again to select the religious cahnnels for Saturday morning kid's programming. At noon we had a baseball game and Barbeque afterward. We played the team that won the chanpionship in the spring. It was interesting to compare The difference in the way the inequity was handled differently.

My brother joined us for the game and came to my house afterward. He helped me with a problem that I had with my truck. While my truck problem presennts a huge issue that I need to overcome financially, logistically, and emotionally. It presented an opportunity for us to spend some time set apart together. My son shadowed us the whole time.

My brother has some difficult health problems that he spoke to me about. And he has had some vocational difficulties also. As he told me about them he culminated by telling me that he hit a breakpoint where he surrendered his will and that some good fortune came after. He totally caught me off guard by saying that he got help from "the man upstairs".

At that point in the day I was very fatigued and I didn't have anything to say to edify his experience. I regretted this afterward but it was probably as it needed (was intended) to be. He has a brand new truck and I thought about the contradiction of him in this pwerful vehicle yet in one of the most vulnerable states that I have seen him.

My wife worked in the evening. I had prepared myself mentally but still found myself experiencing a sense of dread over the prospect of house chairing alone. My parents surprised us around bathtime and we all had a great time watching the ballgame.

Thanks be to God.

This Friday we had a couple of long meetings at work. During these meetings some of the things that I was worried about came up. But much o the extenuating circumstances and the lack of execution of my other team members also came up. Also much of the way that i handled difficult situations well also came to light and at the end of the day I felt soe closure and reassurance.

Thanks be to God.

This evening I went to our Book Study Meeting and we read "My Bottle, My Resentments, and Me". I looked at the differences again in this story and the previous and I noted that the on ething in common was "How they drank" not "how much" or "how long" they drank.

Amen

This morning I was interrupted from praying and had to stop myself from leaving for work without doing so. I stopped, put back my seat, set aside the time, and prayed in my truck in the driveway.

I looked up principles to live by.

I thought of thresholds of willingness related to depth of belief.

I got to go to the noon meeting and read about step 2.

I got a haircut from a lady with a corpus necklass.

The kids are crying and I am tired.

I love the life God has given me, thanks be to God.

I started my day with the scripture readings about following the spirit and not the law.

I had another mistake at work jump up and bite me today. This is really putting me to the test. The mistake was because I deviate from the process. I remembered how when I was a quality systems auditor I realized that even the best people cannot follow the letter of the law 100%.

At noon I got to go to the meeting. The story tellers many attempts at getting her life manageable reminded me about my own attempts. I especially related to how she drank when times were good.

I remembered going to jail several times and resolving to get sober but drinking immediately when I got out. I remember that when I got out of treatment and worked the steps I did not drink.

I thought about how step 2 that we read in the twelve and twelve is laid out in concise paragraphs.

I thought about trying to lay out what my principles of living are again in secular terms.

I had a service call that I need to return.

I need to update the area website.

Thanks be to God.

Last night I got resentful that I got interrupted by my kids and then my wife while trying to do my evening review.

This morning I heard and then read about repetetive praying. I was grateful for this revelation and opportunity to sort out the teaching on this.

I also thought some about taking inventory in my head. This is a bad place to take it because that is where rationalization takes place. That is where the magic happens. This is where my mind plays slight of hand with the truth. I have to remember that my mind has a mind of it's own. It is looking out for my best interests... at any costs, especially the truth.

When I take inventory in black and white I have a better chance of seeing the truth. Better yet, when I get someone else to review my inventory I get to hear the truth from an someone who is not influenced by the voices in my head.

At noon I went to the meeting. I got to read about Tradition One. I apprehended some insights about the parallels with step three but it was later this evening that I really got the simple truth about the tradition. The parallel is with the first part of the first step, "We admitted...", unity is the primary actuator of the power of recovery. Together we are greater than the sum of our parts. Unity of purpose must supercede individual ambition.

Today I realized that I made a major mistake and was very fearful about it. I had to revisit the inventory that I previously did about it and seek dilligently to place my reliance upon God.

Tonight the family and I had a nice evening and I got to do my evening review undisturbed.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I had some thoughts and ideas that I wanted to write about. I tried just now to lock myself in my room and meditate but all the kids came in

Today after the noon meeting I got to talk to a friend who needed to talk. I got to do my little 12th step part for the day.

This evening I was exhaus

This morning we made it to mass on time with little stress again despite the fact that I woke up late. I was worried about the boys and I dressing a little too casual. One of the priests greeted us at the door and he told me that I was a good father for bringing my sons to church faithfully.

We had an active fun day, I was pleased that the kids played with their friends outside all day instead of just being stuck inside.

Thanks be to God.

Last night I had a short but intense using dream. In the dream I remember a lot of the preparation steps and anticipation of the high but I couldn't get the drugs in my system. Then my dream jumped to a scene of pornography and homo erotic sex. It was as if I was suddenly back in one of those short periods where I was in an intense rush and completely engrossed in lust and uninhibited sexual activity.

As I drifted in and out of sleep I struggled with the desire to use. As I began my morning prayers I felt like I needed to talk to someone about this and teh only person I could think of was a woman in the fellowship who I probably shouldn't talk to about it.

Thankfully when I woke up and finshed my prayers sanity returned and my desire abated. It is not yet reconciled however.

There are two main and plain things that I can see that may have led up to the spiritual attack in the dream. One, the spiritual service that we are undertaking in the using dream. And, I didn't pray for protection in my dreams last night.

My son and I had a baseball game today.

After the game I got to watch the Longhorns beat the Sooners with my Mom, Dad, Wife, and kids.

I thought a lot about the new format of our meeting.

God please grant me willingness and protect me in my dreams tonight.

This day was Friday.

I had a work meeting at noon and didn't get to go to the 12 step meeting.

At the end of the day I had a meeting with my boss in which he told me that I was doing a lot better and gave me a small raise. He also gave me a lot of encouragement in the possiblility to increase my pay and in the future and direction of the company. On my way home and when I told my wife I tried to really appreciate
this as a great turn of fortune. It hasn't really sunk in until now. My wife ad I both had feelings of disappointment because of our fears and desires to meet our income deficit. But, we both knew that we should be grateful that my job is not in the imminent danger that it was before and there is hope for the future. I feel like the pay I am getting is realistic for my skill level and tenure and if I can just fully appreciate what my employer and what God is doing for me that I can get highly motivated to do better in my company.

In the evening I facilitated the Big Book Study and Group Conscience afterward. Our reading was the personal story "Window of Opportunity". There were many facets of this story that I did not see before. I realized that the "Window of Opportunity" could be seen as a metaphor for the moment of clarity, surrender, and willingness that comes when one hits a bottom. I liked the way that the story teller spoke of a bottom as being when something in your life you lose or are about to lose becomes more important that alcohol. I noted that the reader spoke of several events and circumstances that came together that facilitated his first step and resulted in his first awakening.

After the meeting we had a group conscience to discuss our servant positions and the format of the meeting. The meeting went very well and the group elected to allow me to continuee as a servant and to make a motion. We are going to do a step study.

Thanks be to God for a great Friday and a great life!

I really had to call on God's presence in meditation this morning. My thoughts were immediately all over the place when I woke up. As I prayed I could not focus on the meaning of my prayers and on seeking God's will. I had to empty my self in meditation.

At the noon meeting we read the end of step twelve. My thoughts lead me to the shift from dependence upon the material world and my circumstances for contentment to dependence upon the spiritual life and God reliance for everything.

This evening my wife was very frazzled. I did ok at resisting anger but I reached a breaking point when she did something inexplicable with the baby. I had a short but extremme spike of anger. I immediately let it go and didn't hold it agqainst her. She is sick.

Tonight I watched a program about a guy in a come living in te past. Sometimes I feel like I am living on Mars.

Thanks be to God for my spiritual awakening.

This morning at work I got to have a talk with someone starting a family and needing a little encouragement.

At noon I got to go to the meeting and we read "He Lived Only to Drink". I noted that of all the stories this person seemingly had the least reason to drink. He had security, love, support, friendship, family, strong moral formation, good education, and even a spiritual life. He mentioned a heavily religious upbringing but I didn't notice any complaints about a lack of spirituality or disdain for it. He did describe often feeling shy and uncomfortable but I think this is something even normal people have, I don't think it can be the sole cause of alcoholism.

(note: this could be indicative of some disorder or incomplete spiritual life, but I will give the writer the benefit of a doubt)

The only thing that seemed to indicate his alcoholism was his reaction to it. I took this to be a prime example that just the physical allergy is enough to get alcoholism. Once he started drinking, he quickly progressed to great depravation.

I had a good afternoon and made it home quickly. I was resourceful and accepting about dinner.

Later I got resentful when my wife told me that she was dropping off the kids and running errands. She asked me if I was mad and I lied that I wasn't. It made me angrier that she had to ask me and can never accept that I just need a little time to get over it.

I need to ask for this anger to be removed.

Otherwise we all had a good evening and I am grateful for this day.

Thanks be to God.

Today was a reasonable day at work but I did notice the separation between people. I thought about how fear keeps me from reaching out to make connections and build relationships.

I got to go to the noon meeting. I was a little dissapointed in what I had to share.

This morning I thought again about how my using dream was interrupted by the dream people right as it was about to get started. It was interrupted just before the part where I usually begin to have the obsession. I thought that this had to be the choir of angels intervening a spiritual attack in that realm.

Tonight right before doing this review I remembered a website I was shown some time ago where people blog their drug experiences. I looked it up to see what it said. As I read the descriptions of their experiences I realiaed that this had aroused old feelings within me. Afterward I thought that I should't take this too lightly and just rely on myself to stop thinking about them, especially right before bed. I prayed for God to remove the feelings from me.

Today I got to go to the noon meeting. On my way there I contemplated how I had not helped anyone in the past few days. I received this idea that I want to focus more on helping others and less on myself. At that moment in my walk to the church where the meeting is held I remembered to think of God as walking with me having a conversation. I saw an alley and walked down it to be alone with God. I asked him to show me how I can help others more.

I was happy to see a friend their who had not been to our meeting in a while. We read from "My Bottle, My Resentments, and Me" again. When it was my turn I had already scanned ahead to the beginning of my paragraph to read and planned what I was going to share about my sponsor and about what alcohol did to me. But when I read the paragraph I was moved to share about my resentments also. I talked about a particular resentment that I rarely go to but I knew it was the right thing to say. Then a guy said he was at his very first meeting and he opened up about his difficulties and related to my experience.

On the walk back from the meeting I ran into a guy at an intersection who I hadn't seen in a long time who is still sober but struggling with unmanagability. Later after the meeting I got a call from a guy in a psych ward who has been deeply depressed. Then I got a call from a guy out of the blue who I hadn't heard from in a long time who is still sober. I was particularly grateful that when he asked me how things are that I had something to say about every part of my life and every member of my family.

On the way to my vehicle I realized that my weekdays are starting to be just as good as my weekend days.

This afternoon I took my youngest daughter out to explore the front yard while everyone else was gone. When they came home a kid from the neighborhood came and played and motivated my son to throw the football like I wanted him to.

Thanks be to God for answering my prayers.

Saturday I went to bed without an evening review.

Sunday morning I had the beginnings of a using dream. Just as the dream was kicking off it was drowned out by a chorus of dream characters.

Sunday morning my boys and I made it to church on time and they behaved fairly decently.

My wife and daughter made it on time and peacefully also. Today was the first time that my daughter ever came back and was able to asay that she did not misbehave. I need to reward her for that.

A neighbor kid came to play and then darted back home suspiciously. I suspected that he might have taken something and I found myself think poorly of him when he came back later. I decided to value people over thinghs and to treat him with the benefitof of a doubt. I resisted thinking badly of him and I experienced a change of heart and really enjoyed seeing him play with my son. We invited him for dinner.

In the afternoon we watched the beginning of a ball game but I oculd not just sit and watch it selfishly. I took the kids all outside to play while I sanded their wooden playset swinghorse.

In the evening I got inexplicably exhausetd and retired early. I realize that I still had a cold and we had two ball games this weekend.

Today was a very busy morning in which I was buried in my work. Bt at noon I got to go to the noon meeting. It was a much needed interlude.

We read from the personal story "My Bottle, My Resentments, and Me. We read several paragraphs about a low bottom alcoholic. I observed the stark contrast with the previous story, "Window of Opportunity". I thought about the diverse and extremely variant backgrounds of people who have alcoholism. I thought about how they only have two common threads, the presence of the disease, and the spiritual malady.

I thought about how people come to recovery at various stages in the progression. I thought about how the disease is not limited to those with previous disorder but also affects those with succesful lives. Likewise, recovery is not limited to those who have not progressed beyond all hope, but even the worst low bottom cases can find recovery.

I thought about the alcoholism spectrum. About how people have varied symptoms to different extremes. I think we have a tendency to set the bar for alcoholism too high. I think the measure simply has to be whether or not it affects our lives and whether or not we can leave it alone.

Tonight my son and I had a baseball game and I forgot to open the meeting house and I forgot to call someone and make sure they knew I would not be there to open.

We had a great game and my Dad took us out to eat afterward.

Thanks be to God for a Spiritual Awakening.

This morning I thought that I need to continue to look at the meaning of a spiritual awakening.

At noon we read about a twelfth step jod well done and about carrying the message and practicing the principles.

I thought that this is how I should determine if I have practiced the twelfth step well:

Did I try? - Did i think to practice the principles in my affairs? Or, do I just act impulsively? Did I try to carry the message? Or, do I just aimlessly share?

Did I execute? - Did I actually apply the principles (inventory, God-reliance, amends) in my affairs? Or, do I just intend to and hope that I did? Did the message I carried focus on the principles? Or, did I share my story, troubles, advice, religion, or opinion?

Did I get results? - Did I stay sober? Or, did I base my success on whether the other guy did or did not get sober? Was I restored to sanity? Or did I put my expectations on a turn of fortune or someone else changing?

Today I was inundated at work but I did my best.

A person in distress asked me for my advice on financial troubles and I got to share experience with him.

I had a wonderful evening with my family.

Thanks be to God for taking care of us all.

This morning one of my customers had a huge problem in which some advice that I gave him contributed to the problem. Either I or our company miscommunicated. He called the owner of the company and I was in a difficult position because someone else higher than me might also be faulted. The owner called the customer after speaking to me and I expected the worst. When my boss called me back I was shocked to hear that everything was OK and he just needed me to give the customer some TLC.

I realized just how powerful God can be in changing any circumstance.

Thanks be to GOD for peace of mind.