Last night or the night before I had a using dream.

Today at Noon we read from the beginning of "". At a cursory glance I didn't expect to identify with the story but then upon reading it I identified on two main points:
- Feeling socially different
- What happened to me when I drank
As I read it though I thought of how many people feel socially different but don't end up being alcoholic. This to me indicated that they didn't react the way I did to alcohol. While it may have given them some of the social garces that it did to me, it did not take a hold of them and they were able to control it.

Today I started listening to a set of CD's about parenting. This is an answered prayer because I have lately been irritable with my wife that we haven't done any parenting training.

This afternoon my wife informed me that we will be speaking at the rehab soon. I was grateful for this opportunity and started thinking about my story. As i was thinking about it tonight I drifted into vivid thoughts about the combination of sex and drugs. I got drawn in by them and found myself startled by how powerfully they affected me. I realized that my mind had drifted into a desire that I could not go a lifetime without.

I had to take action so I prayed intently for God to remove the thoughts and I called a friend who identifies. He was available and said that he had been thinking about me. We talked about a lot of things and in the end he said that I helped him realize that he needed to take sex inventory in his evening review. In this moment I realized that I need to also.

Tonight I was lustful about my chemo-erotic exploits in my past.
I over valued my desires over God's will.
I was not trusting enough of God to provide me the satisfaction and joy that is in His plan.
I could have turned my heart and desires over to God more completely and immediately when this started to happen.
I could have been more aware that I was fantasizing and entertaining thoughts and turned them off quicker and more willingly.
I was not as clear as I should be about my powerlessness.
I did not believe to the extent that I should that God would restore me to sanity.
Thanks be to God that he did.