Today I am grateful for the 2 inches of rain and the respite from the heat wave - Thanks be to God.

This morning I had a using dream.

Today we had to spend a lot of money on auto repairs - Thanks be to God that we had the money.

This evening I decided to take the kids to the 12 Step meeting club to play outside while my wife went to her meeting. They had a great time running around with the other kids there. My daughter said it was just like Christmas.

Thanks be to God.

Today I got off to a typical start but after getting the kids fed and cleaning up and attending to everyone's needs I sort of lost my sense of direction and initiative. Fortunately my wife needed to take her van to the shop so my inertia could be put to good use by having to watch the kids all day.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting. We read the paragraph at the beginning of A Vision For You. It was the 3rd time to read this in three meetings. I am grateful to have the fellowship that I crave today.

Thanks be to God.

This morning our Gospel reading was the woman who was healed when she touched Jesus Garment. What struck me was that it describes that He felt power flow out of him. This tells me that the concept of power as a sort of holy force. I always questioned this conception (by me) of God's power as probably incorrect. I figured that it was probably incorrect and that the term power was more of a metaphor for God's will and his code and his creation. But today I see this conception validated. I find this very edifying and I feel renewed in my faith.

I got to go to the meeting at the treatment center today. My wife was resentful about this as she had an important commitment to pick up a piece of furniture (presumably for resale). We went back and forth about the arrangements for this and I thought we finally decided that she would run the errand but she needed me to get back as soon as possible.

The meeting was very good with a new guy on the panel that did a great job. I felt bad for not working him in better but thankfully his friend did. One of the counselors asked me if I could hear a 5th step and I had to turn him down. When I left I felt very bad about this.

After the meeting I had to stop at my sponsor's to pick up a reimbursement and I talked to him about my remorse for not hearing the 5th step. He helped me immensely by pointing out to me that I have a responsibility to practice the principles in my home life and that I did the right thing since I committed to coming home early.

I got home and my wife was waiting for me to do the task and we got it done.

I cooked a nice dinner and she got to go to her meeting.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up on time again. I had a very difficult time setting aside the clamor of thoughts trying to go through my mind. I had a hard time focusing on God and getting started with my prayers. I had to stop and do a prolonged centering meditation before I could pray.

After breakfast I got the kids outside and I mowed the lawn. On my son's suggestion we set up the pool and all had a mid-morning swim. The day got hot quick and I was already starting to get demoralized. But the swim cooled me off and invigorated my spirits.

In the afternoon I went to the birthday celebration at the 12 Step club. Even though it was 105 degrees outside we all had fun. We set up in the shade and played horseshoes, washers, volleyball, and frisbee. We ate fajitas and drank cold sodas. I took my oldest son with me and we had a great time. Lots of kids played on the playscape that I set up there. It was great to spend time with my friends.

In the evening my parents and sister visited we all had a fun time eating watermelon and talking. My son did some magic tricks for my sister. My daughter told the parable of the rich man and the beggar, Lazarus to my sister.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got out of bed on time.

I got to go to a meeting in the afternoon. Before the meeting I got to meet a new friend who was at his second meeting. He did not identify himself as an alcoholic. After the meeting a guy (who did identify as an alcoholic) pulled me aside and asked me to sponsor him. As we talked the first guy seemed to want to talk and eventually had to leave. I should have tried to better to talk to him but my attention was focused on the second.

I got to watch a movie with my son.

I called my sponsee and we got caught up on things but I was terribly distracted by the kids.

I lost my serenity for a while this evening but felt better when the kids went to bed and I cleaned up.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I remember receiving many spiritual insights but I don't remember what they were.

It was a busy day at home and this evening I feel drained both mentally and physically.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I thought about how upset I was last night that my team lost the CWS. I also thought about how I stumbled on the videos of sporting deaths, suicides, and war atrocities. It made me realize how my emotional reactions to some events are disproportionate to the importance of the event. Even when I minimalize them. This helped me to regain some perspective, thanks be to God.

Today I was home all day with the kids. My wife and I talked and tentatively agreed that we should plan on this arrangement for the foreseeable future.

I wasn't able to do anything other than attend to the children today.

In the afternoon I filled up two swimming pools and we all had a blast in the 106 degree heat. There was a sprinkle of rain which gave me hope that the weather will eventually change.

I haven't been able to get to a meeting and I am seriously isolated right now. I am going to have to look hard at how to work within this scenario to resolve this.

I don't recall any major selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, or fear today.

I thought about Michael Jackson's and Farrah Fawcett's deaths this evening. I thought about how most people don't think of either of them as drug addicts, just disordered people. I believe it is because neither one of them dealt with it themselves.

I am grateful today that I am clear about the nature of my disease and that I get to live.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got out of bed at sunrise and went to the club and finished the playscape project. I felt good about myself for getting this done.

I didn't pay close enough attention to the time and I was late getting back to the house even though my wife called to remind me. She was pretty pissed off. This was selfish of me.

I was home the rest of the day until 6:00 pm with my kids and my nephew as my wife had a job. At times I was resentful that my wife took on this sleepover of my 6 year old nephew when she wasn't here. Due to my discomfort with tending children I was less than attentive and short tempered with him at times. When I saw this happening I remembered back when I was a kid and I spent the night at my uncle's house with his family. I remembered my uncle being less than attentive and short tempered and unloving with me. I remembered feeling unwelcome in his home. I don't know if it was real or perceived but I do know that like my nephew I came from a less disciplined and orderly home and was a less disciplined child than his children. I understand him now and I understand my nephew. I tried to amend this selfishness with my nephew but I should have done it sooner.

This evening I got to go to a meeting. I got to bring the topic. I read the paragraph on page 62 about the root of our troubles, selfishness. I read and spoke about how selfishness is at the root of all my unmanageable feelings. I spoke about how unmanageability is related to the first drink. Someone came in late to our meeting and spoke of their troubles and was seeking help with their unmanageable feelings from someone at the church. The person didn't know it was a 12 step meeting. The person drank again after 51 years sober. It was no coincidence.

Lately I have been thinking about what the difference is between the Christian faith and other faiths. The main thing that I see is the redemption of the Cross. Jesus put our redemption above His comfort. When I translate this to my walk of faith it becomes added power to have patience, tolerance, and forgiveness for others. Other faiths are inspired by the spiritual and God and offer much great moral wisdom, but they lack this added power to solve the problem of sin.

Thanks be to God for this day clean and sober.

Today was an awesome Father's Day. We got to mass on time despite waking up late and the kids behaved fairly well. Once again I had to make spiritual communion as I still haven't been to confession. I must make this my top priority.

After the mass I went to the H&I meeting at the treatment center. No one else showed up. I was grateful for the opportunity to talk about what fatherhood was like in addiction and recovery. About what it was like when I was not a very good father as an active addict, what it was like getting sober as a father, and what it's like now to be a real father and spiritual leader for our family.

I am very grateful for the privilege of getting to be a Father today. I remember that Father's Day when I was in treatment. I remember my wife telling me that my son was in the back yard every day calling for me, "Da-Da, Da-Da". Today I got to throw baseballs in the back yard with both of my sons. I got to have a great Father's Day cookout with my parents. My wife and I did not bicker or gripe at each other the entire time. We were all a loving family.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I had to make a deliberate effort to stop myself from obsessing over the project of buying, funding, and moving the playscape for our 12 Step clubhouse. My helper didn't come through in the morning and I had to make myself call around for help. One of my friends that I called had another guy call me who I didn't even consider as a possibility. I accepted his help even though I didn't have any confidence in his ability to help me. I couldn't have been more wrong. The guy was eager to help and actually motivated me when my spirits were flagging. The guy had know-how and stick-to-itiveness that made the job 10 times easier. The guy felt like he was making a contribution. The guy was a great friend to spend the afternoon with.

We both got to go to the meeting afterward.

Thanks be to God for friends.

This morning I woke up a little late and desired to get myself an the kids back on an early schedule. I thought about being free from remorse and just enjoying life despite my mistakes. My wife went to work before we woke up so I had babysitting duty by myself.

I got some job apps done today so I have a small sense of accomplishment.
I got to go and see my friend at his shop and make arrangements for moving the playscape for our club.
I got to talk to a friend who recently got a great job after 45 days unemployed and losing his car; It was very uplifting.

I've been thinking lately about the emphasis of "practice" in step 12.
Tonight I got to go to a meeting. Our topic was "patience" from "To Wives" again for the second week in a row on Thursday. Co-Incidentally I had griped impatiently at my wife just before the meeting about asking for my time frame. But it got me thinking about the hyphen in step one. I think I should write about this on the SCS blog.

I thought about the idea of carrying the vision of God's will into all our activities. I thought about how this is like the bracelets that say WWJD? on them. That prayer and meditation prepare us to carry this thought with us cosntantly "what would God have me do?".

Thanks be to God for this day.

Last night I woke up in a panic dream. Later I woke up and could not go back to sleep. I was worried about not being able to sleep all night but I think that I only lost an hour or so. This morning I was late getting out of bed and late getting the girls up. I felt sluggish and lacking initiative all day. At times I sensed myself trending towards low grade depression as I was remorseful for not having the drive that I had yesterday. Add to that that my wife worked all day and again in the evening and I had to take care of the kids all day. I felt like I never got a chance to get going.

Tonight after they all went to sleep I was so tired that I almost went to bed with out this review. Thankfully I prayed and felt re-connected. I also tidied up the house to get a good start tomorrow.

I am grateful that my wife has some good work.
I am grateful that I get to spend time with my children and they tell me they love me.
I am grateful that I did connect with the people that I needed to today even if it was just to tell them I wouldn't make it today.
I am grateful that my son and i threw some baseballs.
I am grateful that I feel like I can be honest about who I am today.

Thanks be to God.

Last night I had a good, restful sleep and I woke up on time this morning.

Today I found a good little job in 12 Step recovery that I applied for... thanks be to God.

Today I went out on a limb and bought a playscape for our meeting place. I had to take a risk and use our money to buy it without knowing for sure that it would be reimbursed. Also it was a lot of work to drive out and begin taking it apart in the heat and not being certain that it would fill the bill. Also my wife was very nervous about the deal and then she was resentful that I was away getting it and made her miss her meeting.

In the end I got a commitment for reimbursement and a nod of approval from some people.

Thanks be to God for opportunities today.

Last night I was so tired that I laid down for a minute before doing my review and I passed out.

This morning I thought I should review yesterday and I started thinking about it. I was well into today when i suddenly remembered that I had a massive using dream last night.

In the dream I was in the past trying to do as big of a shot of dope as I could. Then I would shift into my current reality and panic because I didn't want to be in a relapse. Then I would shift back fully into the dream and be immersed back in the using scenario and lust for the drug. The lines between the two states began to be blurred and I seemed to simultaneously lose hope and then commit to the old obsession.

It was as if I was being attacked psychically by being driven through the feelings of the past and then woken into semi-consciousness in an attempt to propagate the obsession to use.

I realized the affects of diversion from my spiritual disciplines at the subconscious level. I don't feel a great deal of guilt or unhealthy perspective of do or die. But I see that the cumulative affect of these small spiritual deprivations would be grave.

Yesterday we were early getting up and we made it to mass on time. My wife slept in as she was working late the night before so I had to tend to the children. By the time we got home I was exhausted, the house was a wreck, I felt drained and hungry and the kids were all having meltdowns. I couldn't get myself to the meeting at the treatment center.

Over the course of the last 2 days I had kept thinking about amends, the home in turmoil, and the 12th step. This day I finally thought about how the correct application should have been to my relationship with my wife not my parents. I should have connected this to all the empty promises, and failed amends that I made to her. I should have thought of how she had had hope many times only to have her heart trounced by a relapse. I should have connected this to my expectations for her when I got sober and my unwillingness to extend her patience to make her own emotional recovery in due time.

In the evening I cooked us a nice meal.

I was disappointed and a little resentful that my wife was going to her meeting and I couldn't go to mine. I really wanted to attend the group conscience meeting.

I got to watch our team, the Longhorns in the College World Series with my kids, We had a great time and they won.

Today I was late getting up and I vowed to get to bed on time. That is not happening.

Today I read about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I saw many perspectives that made a lot of sense to me. I took a survey of my rational thinking and reviewed the results and found much of it to be in alignment with 12 step modality. I remembered when my psychologist tried to get me to understand it and I couldn't. I thought about how I had to have a spiritual experience to begin the process of open mindedness and psychic change before I could begin to embrace these perspectives.

I was grateful that I do not see these approaches to be at odds as some do. I was grateful to appreciate the concept of a higher power serves to actualize good psychological therapy.

I thought alot over the past couple of days about entry level spirituality. I thought about how apostleates and ministries typically ignore basic questions of the need for spirituality and a deity and jump straight into the case for Christ.

I got to go to a meeting tonight. After the meeting i thought of the concept of a spiritual blackout. An alcoholic blackout is induced by an overdose of alcohol causing the drinker to lose recall or consciousness of events. A spiritual blackout is induced by a grave disconnection to God.

Thanks be to God.

Today the most profound thing I did was to watch the animated parables of the New Testament with my kids on TV. My wife had to go to a long meeting in the morning and I had to watch the kids all day.

I just remembered that I had spiritual dreams last night. I dreamt of a weird forest with a canopy so thick that it seemed like it was underground caverns. I was with my father and he came upon a snake. He was just starting to warn me about it when it jumped up and bit him on the face. I was astounded that it could jump the 6-7 feet distance but then it jumped and bit me on the neck from 20 feet away. Then I started having one of my flying dreams. But this time I was very frightened the higher I got. Usually these dreams are exhilarating but in this case I felt so out of control that I didn't like it. I was also being flung around violently. The last thing I remember was hanging upside down thousands of feet in the air amongst the surreal forest treetops.

It was too hot for us to do anything outside during the afternoon and my wife worked this evening so I was just inside with the kids.

My kids all had good food, a good home, and lots of love today.

Thanks be to God.

Last night at the end of the day we had a bad storm with a possible tornado. I was preoccupied with this and did not write a review.

The first half of the day I felt sluggish and had a headache all morning. I was actually relieved that my symptoms were persistent as it confirmed that I was not just lazy.

It was the 9th anniversary of our marriage. Under the current circumstances my wife and I couldn't do anything special for each other but she arranged for my mom to babysit while we went to a movie. I wasn't very enthusiastic as I found myself despondent about our circumstances. But, the movie proved to be very uplifting as a repetitive theme throughout it was people becoming great in unlikely circumstances.

I shared about this using an experience with my parents that I often refer to. But afterward I was disappointed that this didn't seem to fit quite right.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting. The reading was the home in turmoil and the long period of reconstruction ahead. This was something that I had been thinking about all morning. This is what makes the amends process different than all the apologies of the past, that the focus is on true amending not just the superficial apologies of past failed sobriety or self-centered motives.

This morning I woke up on time, in good spirits, and we got off to a good start.
I got to attend my son's magic camp final show.
I got to spend time with my parents.
I got to comment to a blog.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I thought about amends out of the blue. It occurred to me that amends for the recovered alcoholic are a continuing process. Most of us have made endless apologies and pay backs. But, the amend for the recipient may only be able to take place with continued sobriety.

It was a long day in which I had to watch the kids most of the day. I started one of my home improvement projects today. I realized that I have a lot more patience for these things than I used to. In the past I would have insisted on diving into it and not stopping until it was finished. But now I am willing to do a little at a time.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I got to listen to Fr. Barron's homily from last week on Pentecost Sunday. He spoke of the nature and Power of the Holy Spirit.

I had to go on an item pickup today with my wife and kids. It was impulsive and ill-conceived. It was a long drive to another part of town to pick up an item of marginal worth that had to be moved down a very steep spiral staircase. I was resentful at first but I did my best to go along with it and have fun. I told her that I felt like Ricky Ricardo and we got a laugh out of it. We got to drive through a panoramic area of the hill country to an exclusive neighborhood with beautiful homes. The kids were amazed and loved it and we got to meet some nice people. We had a fun experience and it was great to get the kids out of our house.

After the pickup we went to a park at the lake for a picnic lunch. Again, I thought it was impulsive and ill-conceived. It was a long walk to the picnic area and keeping the kids from falling into the lake was like herding cats. But, the whole route was shady and it was an adventure for the kids. I got to see a cove where I fish in an unusually clear water and now I know what the underwater structure looks like. We got to explore a dock and boathouse that have been renovated and opened to visitors. It was an experience that the kids will treasure and so will I.

When we got back I had to drive back across town to pick up my son at the magic camp that I have reservations about. I feel that my wife's decision to enroll him in this was impulsive and ill-conceived. Earlier today my wife spoke about how much my son loves the camp and how much excitement and joy it gives him. When I picked him up I saw his enthusiasm. This was priceless. I am grateful that he gets to have this experience.

When we got back I was exhausted and fell on the bed for a nap. But, I had to get up immediately and go to a swimming trip with the kids that my wife had committed to. I felt that it was impulsive and ill conceived. She tried to reassure me by saying that it would be "relaxing". This made me even more resentful than I already was. When we got there my autistic son surprised us all in his enthusiasm to try and swim. Last year he would only stay in the foot deep water and scream at the mere notion of immersing any more. Today he made enormous strides and tried lots of things like putting his face in the water, dunking with me, kicking practice, and even pretend swimming while I held him up. My youngest daughter also amazed us at how she is such a natural to try and swim. It was a great experience for which I am grateful. The swim was actually very relaxing. I am grateful that I got to share this experience with them.

Tonight I got to go to a meeting, we read about God as a power to restore us to sanity. I talked to my friends about what a great day this was. Tonight in thinking about my resentments today I see that they are always impulsive and ill conceived. I also see that the Power of God helps me to overcome them.

Thanks be to God for this experience.

This morning I got off to a slow start, I felt almost like I had a hangover. At times I felt as though I had been spiritually drained by the lengthy 5th step I did yesterday. I found myself still being resentful about it. I realized that I was not making a thorough enough effort to forgive the guy, give it to God, and leave it in yesterday. I prayed and decided that I was done fighting.

I remembered that I had a long drinking dream last night. I don't remember the details, just that it was long and realistic and hopeless. Thanks be to God that I was protected from the real obsession.

In the first half of this day I felt distracted, worried, and without direction. I made an effort to seek renewal from God and trust that he would solve all my problems and that my worries would pass. By the second half of the day my outlook had shifted considerably. Some things then changed also and I felt like I could enjoy this time of my life.

This evening I took the boys to the meeting clubhouse and we just hung out there while the guys had their meeting. They had a great time running around in a place different than their yard. I was grateful to get out also and be around my friends.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning we got off to a good start. My wife and I woke up on time and made a pancake breakfast for the kids. This is no simple task for our bunch as my autisic son has a special diet and my wife has a food program to stick to. She had to make his pancakes from scratch and then make her breakfast. We all got fed then preppked for church and made it to mass on time. I still haven't made it to confession and had to make spiritual communion.

After mass I went to the meeting at the treatment center. We had a good meeting and afterward I got to play a couple of games of ping pong. After that I stayed hearing fifth steps and it went way too long. I was there until after 5:00. I was resentful about this and had to pray for God's help. I was then grateful for the life that I have that I have a home and family to be late getting home to.

Thanks be to God.

Today I had to watch the kids all day. I managed to get through the day without any great difficulty but by about 2 o'clock I was feeling pretty coo-coo. This morning I got to watch the animated Gospel series today. The main point today was the question about why Jesus taught in parables instead of teaching more directly. Someone said that he teaches this way so that a person would discover the point for themselves. Jesus spoke about having an open heart through the work of the Holy Spirit. It seems to me that he was trying to guide us to have a relationship with the spirit not just get the point. I just read a good article about this.

I got to go to a meeting tonight, it was a speaker meeting. The speaker was a young person who really get's it and carried a good message. I spoke to her afterward and it made me think about how important it is to let these people know when they are doing this well.

I was grateful for my home group tonight and feel compelled to serve more now that I have more time.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I stuck to my daily schedule commitment and woke up on time at 6:15. After feeding all the kids and getting everyone cleaned up and dressed. I had enough time to go for a bike ride with my son.

Throughout this day as most these days I felt undisciplined and disorderly but I managed to stay on top of household maintenance. During my job search today I made a decision to focus my search on a particular type of job. I also thought of how I would handle job offers that are not what I want, I will be honest and they will either not hire me or give me what I need.

Several times today I thought about how scheduled I need to be. Then it occurred to me that I should schedule things loosely for sections of the day and "due by" dates rather than specific times.

Today I remembered alot not to yell at the kids.

I didn't get to go to a meeting today because my wife had business during the day, my parents asked me to grill in the afternoon, and my wife had her meeting in the evening.

I thought a lot today about practical reasons for faith. As this day comes to a close I feel optimistic about our future and I feel optimistic about order and direction.

Thanks be to God.

Today when I woke up I made some decisions about a permanent regular schedule. My bed time will be 9:45 - 10:00. My wake up time will be 6:15. I also thought about some other daily tasks scheduled at regular times.

I got to spend some time with my parents this morning and we talked about how sleep patterns contribute to good health and good feelings about oneself.

I thought some more tonight about the process of finding belief through the AA steps without religion. I think that this is possible is because of the nature of the relationship between man and God. Knowledge and correct theology are not needed to have the connection, it is already there to some extent by nature, by design simply because we have a soul. The only thing necessary is belief in order to begin the relationship. Even if we have a poor understanding we can still drink from the spiritual tap. We simply stop the things that block the flow, and start drinking to improve our intake.

In religious bodies the traditions typically require that a person accept the articles of faith to begin the process. Their is no simple way to begin the relationship and allow the Holy Spirit to work in the individual as they study the faith traditions.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning in meditation I received a synopsis of the non-religious "gnosis" that is experienced in taking step 2 in AA. Being a devout Catholic I occasionally wonder about how I was able to begin the process of Theosis outside of the Church and without a clear conception of God. I know that all people have a natural capacity for communion with God just by virtue of design. I know that my religion gives me the fullness of this relationship that I would not receive otherwise. My experience was that I received enough power to get sober and achieve sanity without religion.

I tried to write this in the morning but I had to attend to some request and I wasn't able to complete it. Even now the baby just started crying in her room and I have to get up and check her. I get resentful that I can't stop for these things and I forget them. I think the idea was that since the relationship with God is a union by nature then a full understanding is not needed to make the connection to the soul.

I also contemplated the reason for praying the Hail Mary in the structure of the prayer. The first part is the Gospel narrative of the coming of Christ, "Hail Mary full of grace the LORD is with thee..." this is not meant to worship her but to declare Him; that he has come, that He is in her and she is with Him, also, to declare the Good News. The narrative leads up to the central figure of the prayer, "...the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.".

In praying the rosary the leader reads the narrative, then the congregation pray the intention of the prayer: Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners...

At about 10 am I was doing some cleaning that I haven't been able to do in forever and I found my 4 year coin from AA. I thought of how joyful I was to get it as it marked the milestone of the amount of clean time I had done when I was young. I lost the coin the day I got it and never found it again all that year. I was very disappointed. I remembered that I got the coin at the Central group and I realized that I could got to that meeting today. Finding the coin led me to remember to go to that meeting.

I went to that meeting and was grateful to finally let my friends know that I wouldn't be a regular anymore. We read from a personal story and I got to stay and hang out after the meeting.

As I was downtown I found myself feeling grateful that God gave me the opportunity to do the type of job and in the place that I always dreamed of. I was grateful also that I wasn't filled with regret and remorse as I would have been before the spiritual life.

I dropped off my friend and stopped to visit my sponsor on the way home. Later in the afternoon I went to my home group's meeting place and did some picking up.

Tonight I got to cook a fajita dinner for the family and watch a baseball game.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up early and got my youngest son off to a good start. I got to work on my job search and found 2 good postings that I applied for. After all the routine morning tasks I was able to do a big cleaning project that has been desperately needed.

My wife had a job today so I had to pick up my son from school. He was very happy to see us and I love his reaction. On the way home I took the kids to the park and they had a great little time and even made a friend and saw some friends there.

In addition to my wife having a job I made a sale today for $100, thanks be to God.

I got to watch the animated new testament today in the afternoon. The story included the parable of the sower.

This evening I got to go to a meeting. Before the meeting I got to see an old friend and talk about a resentment. After the meeting I got to talk to another friend about a resentment. Our meeting topic was about resentments. As we read the paragraphs the words jumped out of the page and had multiple facets and depth of meaning, especially the part that said that for us resentment is infinitely grave. It was as if I was reading them with new ears.

Thanks be to God for seeds of faith in good soil.

Today my wife had a job and I had to take care of the kids all day. It was a good day and I only gripe-yelled a couple of times. I was able to pick up the boys from 2 different schools and take care of the girls at home. nobody got seriously injured, they got fed decent meals, I gave them each one-on-one attention a few times, I made sure to balance TV with play time, and made sure they watched edu-tainment only. I also made sure that the house was kept clean and in order.

I checked job postings throughout the day but because of the constant demands of the kids I was never able to be thorough or systematic. At some point during this day I fell into a low grade form of insanity. My thoughts went numb and I lost my sense of direction and initiative. I am grateful that we are being taken care of and my wife is getting these jobs. I think that I need to watch my expectations and I might be able to avoid this feeling of being lost.

After the kids went to bed and I took a shower I thought of some guides to restore my sense of direction.

1. I need to apply for 2 jobs a day.
2. My goal is either:
- to get a job with the government or a large company or institution (I don;t want to work for a small company again).
- to get a job for 40k or more per year, or to get a job doing something I love.
3. Do a thorough cleaning and makeover of this house.
4. Plan to go fishing.
5. Ride my bike.
6. Take the kids to parks and swimming.

Thanks be to God for this day.