Last night I was so tired that I laid down for a minute before doing my review and I passed out.

This morning I thought I should review yesterday and I started thinking about it. I was well into today when i suddenly remembered that I had a massive using dream last night.

In the dream I was in the past trying to do as big of a shot of dope as I could. Then I would shift into my current reality and panic because I didn't want to be in a relapse. Then I would shift back fully into the dream and be immersed back in the using scenario and lust for the drug. The lines between the two states began to be blurred and I seemed to simultaneously lose hope and then commit to the old obsession.

It was as if I was being attacked psychically by being driven through the feelings of the past and then woken into semi-consciousness in an attempt to propagate the obsession to use.

I realized the affects of diversion from my spiritual disciplines at the subconscious level. I don't feel a great deal of guilt or unhealthy perspective of do or die. But I see that the cumulative affect of these small spiritual deprivations would be grave.

Yesterday we were early getting up and we made it to mass on time. My wife slept in as she was working late the night before so I had to tend to the children. By the time we got home I was exhausted, the house was a wreck, I felt drained and hungry and the kids were all having meltdowns. I couldn't get myself to the meeting at the treatment center.

Over the course of the last 2 days I had kept thinking about amends, the home in turmoil, and the 12th step. This day I finally thought about how the correct application should have been to my relationship with my wife not my parents. I should have connected this to all the empty promises, and failed amends that I made to her. I should have thought of how she had had hope many times only to have her heart trounced by a relapse. I should have connected this to my expectations for her when I got sober and my unwillingness to extend her patience to make her own emotional recovery in due time.

In the evening I cooked us a nice meal.

I was disappointed and a little resentful that my wife was going to her meeting and I couldn't go to mine. I really wanted to attend the group conscience meeting.

I got to watch our team, the Longhorns in the College World Series with my kids, We had a great time and they won.

Today I was late getting up and I vowed to get to bed on time. That is not happening.

Today I read about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I saw many perspectives that made a lot of sense to me. I took a survey of my rational thinking and reviewed the results and found much of it to be in alignment with 12 step modality. I remembered when my psychologist tried to get me to understand it and I couldn't. I thought about how I had to have a spiritual experience to begin the process of open mindedness and psychic change before I could begin to embrace these perspectives.

I was grateful that I do not see these approaches to be at odds as some do. I was grateful to appreciate the concept of a higher power serves to actualize good psychological therapy.

I thought alot over the past couple of days about entry level spirituality. I thought about how apostleates and ministries typically ignore basic questions of the need for spirituality and a deity and jump straight into the case for Christ.

I got to go to a meeting tonight. After the meeting i thought of the concept of a spiritual blackout. An alcoholic blackout is induced by an overdose of alcohol causing the drinker to lose recall or consciousness of events. A spiritual blackout is induced by a grave disconnection to God.

Thanks be to God.