This morning I woke up at 1 am and did some math work.  During an interlude I thought about how primitive man relied on religion to understand and alter the properties of the universe.  But contemporary man relies upon religion to understand and alter the properties of his will.  Thus man can best understand and contend with the properties of the universe.

Last night I had a using dream.  In the dream I contacted my cousin to buy some crank.  But when the time came for me to go get it my mother was home and I couldn't go.  Later when my mother was away from home my cousin called and said that he would be at his home a block away from me at about a given time and I could come by and make the purchase.  When the time came, his roommate came to my door and advised me that he was there ready for me.  I said okay, I would be over shortly.  I anticipated the score with great desire. As the roommate darted away through a fence, my mother drove up at home and ran inside and began to question me suspiciously.  I felt stress and anxiety and anger and frustration and was thwarted in my attempt to score.  I woke up thankful that I don't have to live that way anymore and neither does my mom or wife.

This morning I thought about functional alcoholism.  This was prompted by the ravings of Charlie Sheen.  I thought about how what he is saying is based on his measure of his functionality in his work.  But at the same time his words reveal his dis-functionality of his mind.  He is lashing out at everyone around and under him and affecting all of their lives.  The dysfunctional alcoholic eventually implodes, the functional alcoholic eventually explodes.

Perhaps the ability to function in addiction is based on an inner realization that the addiction can only live if the person can keep the resources coming.

I watched a Fr. Barron's program Word on Fire.  The topic was the sin of pride and the virtue of humility.  I remembered our meeting on Friday.  Fr. Barron quoted Thomas Aquinas "Humilitas es Veritas", "humility is the awareness of the truth."  I realized that this was the lesson of my experience in the story I told about the guy with more time who asked me to sponsor him.

This Friday morning my prayers for conscience development took on a much more concise structure.

 I got to start my presentation for addictions class.

while doing math I got a phone call and talked to a friend about how my mind rejects math information.  I wondered if doing math requires shifting focus to the area of the mind devoted to that and shutting off the other areas.  Whereas with focus on some subjects this is not necessary.  For example if I were looking at biology or geology I would not need to shut down my philosophical or emotional thinking.  But when I do math, philosophical, artistic, emotional, entertainment, or psychological thought is a huge distraction.

I tried to stick to my work but I also got distracted with an idea of solving resentment like a math problem with concepts and rules.

This evening I got to go to a meeting.  We talked about the importance of humility and the difference between humility and humiliation.

Thanks be to God.

This Sunday I was very pleased to make it to worship as we missed last Sunday due to all of us being sick.  Before mass I noticed that the motivation to skip it again came up once or twice.  As we arrived I also noticed a sense of spiritual deprivation that seemed to differ from the low energy and motivation that I have been experiencing lately.

Our readings were the call to resist the compulsion to revenge and violence.  The gospel was the "turn the other cheek" verse.  This made for a great teaching opportunity with my oldest son.  I was very grateful for his level of understanding and interest in this concept.  I was also grateful for the good behavior of the kids at mass.

This day I worried about my school work.  I never got any school work done this day as we had baseball practice in the afternoon.  I had to resist the impulse to remorse and seek to accept it and move on in trust that it will get done.  I also tried to commit to using my time more wisely.

I also worried about my recovery activities, about not making meetings, writing inventory, or working with others.  In looking at my week, I did go to a meeting on Wednesday, and every day I talk to a few fellow addicts in recovery at school.  Today I thought about the idea that the autonomy of the addict is an illusion.  I thought about an approach to the resistant that appeals to their desire for liberty by stressing that one must give it up in order to get it.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I tried to make time and get through my morning prayers.  I tried to get back on track as this practice has been abbreviated recently.  Afterward I got up and made breakfast for everyone.  After breakfast I realized that I had let the kids start watching television and playing video games.  I called them all together and had my son read our daily schedule as a means of correcting this.  My son made a minimal effort to read and immediately tried to leave.  I attempted to correct him but he repeated this several times and then had a fit as I informed him of his duties that had to be completed before returning to play.  His defiant misbehavior continued until I lashed out angrily and stated an excessive consequence of losing electronic media all day.  Then while he was in his room he displaced his anger on his little brother and called him names and threw something and hit him.  I responded in kind and yelled and hit him in the arm.  Soon after, I gathered them all together and we spoke about correct behavior and I got my son to apologize.  everyone did their duties and I corrected the consequence to something more appropriate.

As I got underway with my homework, I heard my wife bickering with the kids.  I heard her escalate quickly to excessive consequences of throwing a toy away because it had been left on the back porch. I heard the kids sobbing and begging for her to renig while she berated them.  I came out for a drink of water and she started yelling at me about it.  I quickly got angry and went into a tirade at her for her intolerant and impulsive behavior.  Afterward I struggled to concentrate on my homework.

This morning I had an interesting experience in one of my classes.  We did a questionnaire looking back at our earliest childhood memories and to also write about our self-defeating behaviors that have troubled us.  It was a  study in Adlerian psychology.  I wrote about the time I remember being in the car chatting with my parents as I stood in the back seat.  It was very memorable for me for some reason, I just remember that they were extremely pleased with me and amazed at what I had to say.  I remember that it was so perfect and it was just the three of us, although my brother had to have been there.  I talked to my mom about this a little while back and  she said that I was late in talking but then one day had a verbal explosion.  I finally connected this today with memories of having complete thoughts but being frustrated and afraid to talk.  Even after I knew that I could speak I was stuck in my idea that I could not.  When I finally did speak I had actually mastered speech and the suddenness of it had to have been a shocker for them.  I realized that this was a recurring issue for me all my life.  That I was afraid to look dumb when I wasn't good at something and would not risk doing it in front of people until I was really good at it.  But if I didn't master it I would get very stuck for a long time.  I had to begin to recognize when I was being to risk aversive and learn to jump in.  I had to learn that this was better than developing a phobia and then looking really avoidant.  It is good to see this in the big picture now.

I got to learn how to graph equations this morning.
I got to go to a 12 step meeting at school today.
I got to talk to my sponsee today.
I got to play with the kids in the back yard this evening.
I got to watch a baseball program with my older son.

Thanks be to God.

I'm grateful to be recovering from the flu tonight.  For the past three days I have been completely incapacitated with 100 degrees plus fever.  I also didn't eat for a 24 hour stretch.  During that time I worried about missing a coaches meeting, not be available for my newest sponsee, the deadline for my math test, not getting any of this week's assignments done, not making meetings, and not going to church.  In my delirium these things circled round and round my mind.  Last night I finally remembered to pray for recovery.  This morning I was not energetic but I was also not feverish or achy any more.

This afternoon I had to take my test and make it back in time to take my son to practice.  I was finally able to sit down around noon and review for it.  It was demoralizing.  I could see by the problems I had done that my mind was focused and prepared for the material on Tuesday.  But none of it made any sense. I kept drawing blanks and couldn't remember how to do the work.  At one point I became frustrated and despondent.  I blamed my wife for getting me sick.  Finally I just had to leave and go take the test as I was out of time.  My wife tried to encourage me and suggested that a better attitude would help.  I grumbled that attitude wouldn't help me remember how to solve math problems.

On the way to the test I thought about how this was not the first time I felt this way going into a test.  I made myself face the fact that I was adopting a fatal final-ism and not trusting in God.  I decided to pray and to allow him to change my attitude.  I didn't become optimistic right away but I became certain that I was being self-centered and I became willing to try my best.

The test was easier than I expected.  In fact, as I did it I realized that the tests were always easier than the reviews and I had been basing my fear of the outcome on the difficulty of the review.  Also, I unexpectedly retained some of the information from the review.  I think that I did good, at least well enough to pass, God willing.  I got out in plenty of time to get my son to practice.

We had a good practice.

I called my sponsee.

My wife sent me on an errand to the store and while I was there I bought her roses for Valentine's day.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I had a rough start after a fitful nights sleep.  I almost couldn't get out of bed.  I felt like my body had been fighting off the flu or perhaps I was coming down with it.  But I did get up and get the kids to school on time.

At school I ran into my friends in the lounge while I was getting coffee.  But I made a choice to go and study.  I was glad that I made that choice.  By the end of the day I got caught up to Monday.  I ran into a friend from class who mentioned that I wasn't in class.  I found out that the lecture was not the subject that I thought, I had not missed what I thought it was.  I was grateful.

After my class I met some friends on the way out and talked for a minute.  I mentioned the show Intervention and asked if anyone had seen it.  Three of them answered the same way, that they never watch that show and that it is staged crap.  Judging from some of their other comments they have never seen it.  I was a little disappointed.  It got me thinking about how cynical many of my fellow students seem to be. I thought perhaps this might be exactly why I need to enter the field.

I made my wife mad because I didn't rush home.  In addition to talking to my friends, I stopped at the store for some lunch items.  When she came home at night she found that I had let the kids sign their valentines cards and they had made some mistakes. She griped about this and other small things.  I had this moment like I hadn't had in years.  This feeling like I couldn't take her criticism any more.  A little while later I fell asleep and then woke up and turned on the TV.  I found a movie that seemed interesting.  A man was raising his son by himself.  His wife had left him.  The movie chronicled their daily lives and the struggles to manage the duties of both parents.  Then the mother came back and sued for custody. My son joined me and we watched it together.  It was eerily synchronous to my fleeting frustration.  It served to bring me back to my senses and see what is really important.  The movie was Kramer vs. Kramer.  The most important thing that I saw was the scenes where the lawyers were cross-examining the exes and they realized just how self-centered their criticism of each other was.  I got the sense that they regretted deeply what they had lost.  I hugged my son tight and made nice to my wife.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got out of bed on time and got off to a good start and got the kids to school on time.

At school we had a fire drill.  At the rally point outside I got to talk to our professor.  We didn't talk about anything significant just about our experiences with winter weather in Austin.  But it was meaningful to me because I had a little self-esteem issue after feeling unprepared in his class the other day.

My worry and resentment about missing addictions class to stay home with my sick kid kept cropping up this morning.  Each time I had to turn to God's will to see again that I must give up my valuation of this session of lecture on Cocaine and stimulants.  I had to trust that I will have the experience that I need.  I had to trust that my productivity in the class will meet the expectations of the professor.

I got to talk to a friend at school today about religious and spiritual matters.
I got to talk to a sponsee for a little while this afternoon.  I should have done a better job of following up with him.

I remembered that our Gospel reading this Sunday was the call to be salt and light.

Today I heard that people like miracles more than messages.  Meaning that people are quick to believe in apparitions or miracle healing but resist the call to change.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Thanks be to God.

This morning my wife and 3 of the kids were sick with the flu or something.  I was pretty tired myself but I didn't wake up too groggy or late.  My son #2 and I went to mass by ourselves.  I felt kind of spiritually dry and realized that before the meeting last night I felt completely detached from my recovery mission.  But after the meeting I felt reconnected.  As the mass got underway I felt deeply moved almost to tears.  I was overwhelmed with gratitude and spiritual rejuvenated.  I deeply enjoyed spending this one on one time with especially since it was in worship and with God.  He made me very proud when he knelt in prayer and when he eagerly marched off to the children's liturgy.  We got to talk to some friends after mass.

Our readings were about doing God's will and being demonstrations of his spirit and power by helping people and by living just lives.  The Gospel was Jesus proclaiming that we should be salt and light.  Our priest talked about being open demonstrations of faith so that others would hear the Gospel proclaimed through our actions.  he said we should not keep our faith sequestered amongst ourselves but give others the opportunity to see it.

This evening my wife and I bickered some over my school schedule.  I will have to miss my afternoon class to stay home with my sick son.  I was ok with this until I reviewed the syllabus and realized that tomorrow's lecture is on cocaine.  I had to accept this and make amends with my wife.  We both tried to change our attitude.

Thanks be to God.

This morning in prayer I was blessed with clarity and a sense of insight.  It was a good morning after that although I did catch myself worrying about whether or not I would pitch well in tryouts.  I felt bad for my wife who was sick in bed.

It was an incredible afternoon.  I had the privilege of being a major part of the youth baseball league tryout event  with my son.  He wasn't trying out but we participated at the request of our commissioner who is also the head coach of our team.  My son was catcher and I was pitcher among other positions and duties.  It was a beautiful day for baseball and we both did very well.  I am incredibly grateful to be able to have this experience with my son.  I have never been able to be this involved with a civic organization and to be able to share this with him is truly amazing.

I am grateful to have the physical abilities to play with my kids at my age despite the abuse I put it through.
I am grateful for the mental faculties to be able to go to college despite the abuse that I put it through.
I am grateful for recovery from the spiritual malady and restoration to moral sanity despite the depths of depravity that I put it through.

Today was my parent's 50th wedding anniversary.  I am grateful for them and resolve to do more to honor them.  They are an inspiration to me on how a couple should raise a family.

I got to go to a meeting tonight.  We talked about how could not be rid of it on our own power.  We had to have God's help.

Thanks be to God.

P.S.  I remembered that last night I had a dream that I ran into an old friend.  We went to the friends mother's house and I had to wait there.  I wandered into another room and started looking at pictures on the wall.  There was a great big picture of us eating dinner with my family when I was a teenager. Strange that this would occur on my parent's anniversary.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we woke up to an idyllic snowscape.  It was a lot of fun for the kids.  But I had to catch my grouchiness several times and turn it over.  I kept getting frustrated at the endless demands to get them properly dressed, then fed, then dried off, etc.   I had to turn over my moments of resentment and self pity.  It worked and I was able to enjoy the morning.

I tried to get somewhat caught up on my daily ledgers.  I had notes written down in between my school work.  I have been worried about not doing my spiritual exercises.  I am also worried about not not staying connected with friends and sponsees in recovery.

I thought some about the reasons for my choice of career.  I thought about some of the steps of helping break people's evasion and denial.  I thought about the steps before the steps.  I thought about helping people who are not addicted but are chemically dependent to see that they might be on the way to addiction.  I thought about promoting sobriety as a great way to live regardless if you need to or not.  I thought about helping people who are not addicted to see the virtues of self-examination, super-centeredness, and real communication in relationships.

I completed 2 chapters in math today and am getting closer to being back on track.

Thanks be to God.

This Thursday I made it to school okay despite the frigid weather and a little ice.  I had to work on my math in small increments periodically all day.  At the end of the day I finally got last week's assignments finished.

I got to go to a meeting in the evening despite some bickering from my wife.  I left thinking I had resisted being angry.  It was great to make it to the meeting and see my friends.  The topic was read from page 64. The guy read all the details of the nature of resentments and the spiritual malady.  I thought of the revolutionary and radical nature of these concepts.  I recalled how I thought that I had overcome resentment previously in my life but that i had actually only wished it away.  I had never looked at it as a manifestation of self and the ways they defeated me.  I had only concluded that other people were wrong and stayed sore and continued to fight and made things worse.  I had always been limited to thinking about how I was sick physically and mentally but never  thought about being sick spiritually.  I had never considered that the other person was spiritually sick also.  I had never been willing to treat them like a sick person and be truly tolerant and forgiving.  That I had to have God's help, that he could save me from being angry.

Thus the key to life was revealed to me and obviously tonight I needed to be reminded.

Thanks be to God.

This Wednesday morning in class we discussed a scenario in which we had to make a difficult ethical decision.  We broke out in groups to do this.  I advocated a decision that might conflict with my moral convictions.  I made my decision objectively from a business and legal standard, perhaps using conventional thinking.  The more I thought about it later the more I regretted it.

Also in class I got into a discussion about expressing personal values or new values to clients.  As the discussion ensued I spoke up about the nature of values as they were not clear in the questions.  later, after class, I looked them up in the textbook.  I realized that they are clarified and discussed in detail but I had not read it prior to class.  I felt like an idiot, but as always this is an extreme reaction and I realized that this was just a discussion to get us going.

This Tuesday I thought about the nature of spiritual insight.  Often it is (an I have) described as a voice within that was not my voice.  I thought about how my thoughts often sound like a voice and often like voices other than my.  This called into question the reliability of this perception as divine guidance.  But I thought of the distinguishing factor of insight as the fact that the thought is "outside the box" of the person's normal mode of reasoning.  Especially when it is radically counter to the personal paradigm.

In class today we talked about Kohlberg's theory of stages of moral development.  I thought that the professor expressed his personal bias against established value systems again by characterizing people who demonstrated what he thinks is conventional  (George W. Bush) and preconventional (Barack Obama) behaviors as inane and childish whereas people who recklessly follow their own conscience like Hawkeye Pierce is a mature postconventional thinker.

My thought is that these moral stages build upon each other and continue to operate as a hierarchy rather than replacing each other.