This morning I had to change direction  and come back home to pick up an assignment that I forgot to print out. Thank fully I made it to class on time.  I had to make a concerted effort not to think about the telling of my story constantly throughout the day today.

The children got off to a good start and when I dropped off the little ones they both stayed without any fuss.

I actually woke up late and didn't get any prayer in until I sat down to pray with the kids.

My first class was very interesting, we did an assignment in which we developed parental strategy for child development at a particular stage in their growth.  We broke out in groups and my classmates all started throwing ideas out chaotically.  I waited and reiterated what they said framed by the key points of the stage description and they asked me if I would be the speaker.  I became engrossed in this project when I realized that it would serve as a presentation for my other class as well.

On the walk back I resolved to make a better effort to return calls and I called a sponsee who I have not spoken to much recently.  We had a lengthy and fruitful conversation.  In talking about his spouse I gained insight into the relationship with mine.

My wife tried to be lighthearted and affectionate with me a couple of times today.  I pulled away from this even though I had a good attitude with her for the most part.  I realize that this must be selfish and I am confused about my feelings.  I guess that I do not like to pretend nothing has happened and just superficially get over it.  Plus her delight was over material objects that she purchased.  I know I have to let this go or talk to her about it.  I am afraid that I must tell her some difficult truths.

When I arrived at my second class I realized that I did not complete an assignment.  I felt like a slacker.  I also felt negligent for not keeping up with the reading and not having my head in the information.  I tried to change my attitude and made a good effort to participate.  I spoke to the professor and completed the assignment tonight.

I got to lay with my sons and put them to sleep tonight.
I got wake up and get caught up on my work.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up early again but less focused than yesterday.  I found myself running my story through my head in anticipation of telling it on Friday.  I had to stop myself and wait for the right time to rehearse it and try not to worry.

After dropping off the kids I went straight to school an hour early.  I rehearsed my story and managed to pare the first two thirds down well. I got through the whole thing save for some loose ends at the end when speaking about how things are now.

My human services course was again very interesting.  I noted a tendency in my professor to separate primitive treatment of social ills on religion as opposed to primitive methods.  I noticed that my text states that the Roman Catholic church was the first large scale provider of social services.  I got a good grade on my paper about why I want to help people.

After school I came home ate lunch and became engrossed in my studies.  My wife called me at 1:20 and reminded me that my youngest daughter's class was dismissed at 1:00.  I ran out of the house thinking that I had forgotten her and that I was late.  Later my wife informed me that she has aftercare and that I was not late.  Even now I have a remorseful feeling that I messed up.  I added it to my calendar just to be sure.

This afternoon my son stopped with a very concerned look on his face and said that he had a question.  He asked me "what if there is no God?"  I quickly gave him a good answer and talked him through his concerns.  But now I realize that I didn't ask him what triggered this thought.  This evening I find myself worrying about money.  I need to trust in Him.

Thanks be to God.

This morning it was nice and cool so I decided to take my son to practice baseball at the park.  I had to feed the kids as my wife slept in so by the time we got out there it was pretty hot.  We persevered despite the heat and got in a good session.  My son hit the ball well, there were many more balls in the field than in the backstop.  I saw a segment in the little league world series later in the day in which the kids that are the coaches sons and their dads were interviewed.  They talked about how it was such a special privilege to have their fathers present as many of their teammates do not, or for that matter did not even have them in their lives.  But, they all talked about what a truly awesome experience it was to be teammates with their dads and go through the experience with them on the field.  As I thought of how lucky they were, I realized this is me and my son.  We may not be at the LLWS, but we get to have this experience together.

In the afternoon my wife took all the kids swimming at their cousin's neighborhood pool.  I stayed home and begrudgingly pulled out my leadership in therapeutic recreation textbook to study.  I really didn't want to do this as I had coaching baseball on my mind and I wanted to watch the games to learn as much as possible.  I am worried that I will have to take on a more active role as an assistant this fall and I don't feel knowledgeable enough.  Well, low and behold, it didn't even occur to me that coaching baseball is leadership in recreation.  I thought that the team philosophy I will teach the boys will be attitude, effort, and execution.  I will guide them to focus on working as an orderly team, giving a full effort, and executing plays, rather than making emotional demands on them to win.

I got to go to a 12 step meeting tonight.  It was a speaker meeting with a friend telling his story.  I thought about how I will tell my story next week at another meeting.  I got to see 2 friends celebrate sobriety anniversaries for multiples of years.  I got to have several nice conversations with individuals going through spiritual growth and discernment.

Thanks be to God.

This Thursday I got off to a good start, I woke up early enough to get my head on straight in prayer and meditation before feeding the kids and getting them off to school. This morning I did breakfast and prep and my wife took them.

Today I had my second Psych of Personal Adjustment class.  As I was preparing to leave the house, I realized that I had a homework assignment that I hadn't been able to complete.  I had to rush through it but fortunately it was question and answer and I had some good coffee and my thoughts came together successfully.

In the class we did  an interesting exercise of drawing a map of our life story with crayons.  I drew mine based on Jellinek's diagram of the downward progression of addiction and the upward progression of recovery.  I applied this on a lifelong scope by starting with an upward path of development when I was a child.  I placed important relationships and milestones on it, loving mother, guiding father, religious devotion, academic excellence, team sports, etc.  Then the path changes direction in the teenage years, it starts into a downward slip when I started partying, drinking, and taking drugs.  This progresses into the abyss until I hit bottom in my early twenties.

My adult life is marked with a substantial period of dry abstinence but no upward trend.  This is followed by a return to a party lifestyle with period descents into small spirals and bottoms and living as a quasi-functional addict/alcoholic.  During this time I acquired a wife, a career, and some hobbies which I used at intervals to keep my addiction at bay.  Eventually however, they all stopped working and my addiction asserted itself and overwhelmed everything good in life.

I went to my first treatment and had an epiphany about the nature of my condition.   I learned about the disease concept and the need to prioritize recovery.  It didn't stick however and I descended  once again into an even worse death spiral of addiction and the hardest bottom of my life.  Here I found the willingness to take direction and completely give myself to a recovery process.

I represent the point that my life changed with another flash of epiphany like the first treatment except bigger.  this was like the launching of a rocket that gave me enough altitude to escape the gravitational pull of the black hole I was in.  This was a spiritual awakening in which I discovered an aspect of life that had always been obscured from me by my own fixed perceptions.  Here was where I found a concept of a Higher Power that could command and restrain the psychic demons that had hijacked my will.  From here I show the path on an uphill track that surpasses my childhood development.

The reason I show it higher than the first 12 years of my life is because I have a life today that is better than good.  My state of being is no longer limited by the state of my circumstances in the material world, but all my needs are met.  I don't have financial security or material prosperity but I have a loving family and a host of friends with whom I share a common philosophy of living, something that I never had before save for a destructive one. I show milestones in life such as emotional stability, motivational recovery, discovery of purpose, children, in short, self-actualization as concentric ripples on the upward path.

I had a moment in the parking garage where I was ascending the west stairwell overlooking the part of town around Shoal creek from an angle that I had never seen before.  I stopped for a second and just took it in.

In the afternoon I went to my human growth and development class.  There was a woman in there that caught my attention.  She was constantly in motion and made bizarre expressions and gestures.  She did a sort of dance that I am very familiar with, it is the tweaker twitch.  It is the dance of death that I have often seen in women with the disease of severe addiction and late stage alcoholism.  I probably wouldn't mention it except that I wondered a lot about her circumstances.  I wondered what her life is like, she has that homeless person tan and skin texture.  Then in the evening I met a person at Dairy Queen near the campus to buy a text book for the class.  While I was there the woman from the class emerged from a hole in the fence behind the building.  She was carrying several large dairy queen cups and a water jug which she filled with water.  On top of that, the person drove up with the book and she was a student from the class that had to drop.  She recognized the woman also.

My wife didn't have to work this evening and I got to watch a little league world series game with the kids.  I was grateful that all my needs are provided for.

Thanks be to God for this life.

This Wednesday was a very busy and productive day.  After getting the kids going I went to my social services orientation class.  The instructor gave and interesting lecture about the various orientation of social service workers and their tendency to offer their pet type of therapy be it 12 step, religious, psych meds, or psychosocial, for every person that needs help.  The common thread that I saw was the idea that we need to break our fixed perspectives.

After class I saw some classmates sitting at a bench outside smoking.  I went and sat with them and we had a very interesting discussion about our career choice and about recovery.  The weather was a little nicer as a cool front blew in and there was a breeze.  On my way home I thought perhaps I should catch a meeting.  I tried to call my wife and check with her.  I stopped in for lunch and she called me back and chewed me out for not being home yet as she had class and expected me to know about it.   I wanted to lash out but had to pray to resist.  As I payed for my food I encountered and old friend from high school who asked about my brother. I replied that I don't see him often and I suppose it is because I have to get after him about his parental delinquency every time I see him.   I was disappointed in myself for talking this way.  I realized afterward that there is a reason that I need to reply this way because I want to offer an explanation for why we don't see each other often that addresses the real issue, but that I need to speak in less pejorative terms.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting. I went to Living Faith.  The topic was discipline.  I met a new friend and saw and old one.

When I came home my wife chewed me out because she said that we only talked about me 'possibly' going to a meeting.  I found myself getting resentful to her.

I got to watch Texas play in the LLWS with my sons.

Thanks be to God

As I was getting started in the morning I thought about the amends that I still haven't formally made to my wife for my angry tirade last week.  My thoughts drifted towards minimizing the need to do this and rationalizing not doing it at all.  Just then I heard her griping at a kid needlessly and cussing.  I stomped over to her and griped at her to control herself.  I realized that I could easily have cascaded into an angry outburst and that in that moment I needed to back off and I did.  It occurred to me that this is exactly why I should have made amends quickly and still need to do so.

In my classes today I realized just how fortunate I am for this opportunity.  I had a great deal of enthusiasm for life and my educational path today.

Thanks be to God.

This Monday was the first day back to school.  Looking back on it, I am amazed at how my family has come together.  We were all prepared and well rested and got to school on time.

My experience at school was quite interesting.  The first thing that I caught my attention was how so many people felt like they had to dress themselves provocatively to express a compelling and exceptional identity.  I wondered if this need to decorate themselves on the outside was reflective of an inability to be secure in a compelling identity on the inside.

In the afternoon my wife showed me the syllabus for her philosophy class.  I was dumbstruck over the blatant anti-Christian bias expressed by the professor.  This occupied far too much of my thoughts the rest of the day but I found a great deal of satisfaction and bonding with my wife in our discussion about it.

There was so much more to this day than I can remember and I thought of some ideas that have a profound implication for my story but I just can't remember them and I wish that I could.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning we got off to mass without a hitch.  My wife led the children's liturgy and I was grateful that we were able to serve as a family.  I was also grateful that we were able to sit in the sanctuary amongst our friends.  Our Gospel reading was a difficult one about entering the kingdom through the narrow gate.  The hymn "How great thou art" was sung and I took in the words intently for the first time ever.  I was deeply moved and had moments of overwhelming gratitude during which I could not sing.

After mass my wife and I had a nice little discussion about the teaching of the Gospel.  I was exceedingly grateful for this.  There was also a moment after mass when we took the walk through the path on the church grounds to the cross and statue of Mary.  I sat down on a bench and my two sons knelt before the cross and my youngest daughter kissed the statue.  It was a moment I wish that I had captured on film.

Today was my older daughter's birthday.  I was the one to wake her up and be the first to tell her happy birthday.  Looking back this is a huge deal for me because I have never been the first to remember anyone's birthday.  I got to have a great time celebrating her birthday with my brother-in-law and my mom.  I wish my dad could have made it.

I got to talk to a brother in sobriety today.  One of my sponsees had a chance encounter with him at a gas station when my brother saw that he had a big book.  It was a God moment for them both, and me too.

Today  and yesterday I thought a lot about my story and about the path of sobriety.  I thought about the absolute necessity of an attitude of humility.  I thought about how it is can be received through the humiliation of hitting bottom, or as an act of the will, by taking appropriate action.  I also thought about how I didn't get a chance to share about the spiritual experience the other night but then was asked to share my story that night. Then a guy talked to me about how a teacher of ours despised stories.  I thought perhaps this was my sign to make the spiritual experience the theme of my talk.

Tonight we all prepared to go back to school tomorrow.

I thought a bit about coaching little league baseball and found a new sense of confidence I had not previously had.

I have had so much thought about things in the past two days, I wish I could remember it all, but I trust that God will allow me to retrieve what I need when I need it.

Thanks be to God.

This Saturday morning after rousing and feeding the kids, I went to the ball field to complete their registration.  I ran into the commissioner who is also the coach of our team.  I had an embarrassing moment where I walked up to him as he was talking to someone and realized that they were having an intense conversation about some issue the guy had.  My phone radio started playing  and it took me a long time to get it to stop.  Nevertheless, I had a good conversation about strategies when our sons move up and he informed me that my son would likely be good enough to play select baseball.

A little later in the morning I spoke to my sponsee and he said that our step talk for 1-3 was very helpful to him.  I was grateful for the opportunity to be of service.

My wife went to work in the afternoon leaving me with the kids for the evening which meant that I couldn't go to the meeting at my 12 step home group which I want to serve.

I got a surprise visit from an old childhood acquaintance.  His beer breathe almost knocked me over and he was very animated.  He went through vivid accounts of life in our neighborhood when were kids and I saw that he had this glorious vision of that time.  I was not so enthusiastic and had a stand offish attitude toward him.  I never invited him in and my smaller children came outside and interrupted us alot. I felt bad afterward because I was not more hospitable but after some thought I realized that I had set an appropriate boundary.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up early, said prayers, and got the kids fed.  After this it was a lot of work to get them outside and to get them to play and practice well.

I was glad to see my wife talking to her friends.

I spent the rest of the day tending to the kids.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting.  The topic was the spiritual experience.  I was disappointed that I couldn't get my thought compiled into a three minute share in time.  After the meeting a friend asked me to share my story next month.  Then I got to meet with a sponsee and get him through step 3.

Thanks be to God.

This Thursday after breakfast I hit a point of aimlessness.  My wife was in full back-to-school drive and I felt as if there were important things to be done but I couldn't bring them to mind.  The kids were particularly distracting to me this day, I was in a generally confused state.  I had some trouble in my morning prayers in contrast to the clarity I had the day before.  Perhaps I was just tired from the swimming the day before.   I never felt productive all day.  Perhaps a list of what I did do with the day would be in order as a form of gratitude.

I made breakfast for the kids.
I went to the campus to take forms for school.
I got the kids outside in the morning to ride bikes and practice baseball.
I made the kids lunch.
I talked to a sponsee.
I helped get the kids served their dinner.
I got the kids bathed.
I played bocce ball with the kids in the evening.

I had to get after the kids a lot this day and my oldest son had a major attitude problem.  I applied our disciplinary principles and made him write sentences and it helped a lot.  At first he was defiant and I thought he might escalate into a melt down but after receiving greater amounts of sentences he conformed.  As the day went on he had a better attitude and I even had some proud moments when he talked to me about faith matters.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we woke up on time again and I got the kids outside to play after breakfast.  We did a better job of making them earn video game time through chores and practice.

My wife and I were more talkative to each other today although I have not yet made formal amends with her yet.

At midday the boys and I rode our bikes to the park and went for a swim.  My youngest did not want to get in the big pool at first but changed his mind after about forty five minutes.  Eventually he started trying to kick and paddle to me.  My oldest actually dove from the diving board and swam for the first time.  He had been jumping and dog paddling only.

I talked to a sponsee in the afternoon.

In the evening I got to go to the ballpark and sign up the kids for little league.  Then I got to go to a meeting.  It was a newcomers meeting, the topic was having a changed attitude. I was struck by how many regulars (not newcomers) there were there.  I wondered how many meetings they go to if I see them at so many at all times of the day on the off occasion that I go there.  I was also struck by the way that the sober people spoke to them.  Many had some good things to say but they talked down to them and told them what they should do.  I thought back to the meeting a few days ago when many people talked about how we should not talk down to the new man or preach as from a spiritual hilltop.  I thought about using provisional language.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got up early again and got the kids outside after feeding them.  I had them play in the circle out front for an hour and then we took a bike ride to the park.  I was glad that we didn't sell the bike trailer at our garage sale.

I remembered to make the kids earn video game time with chores and baseball practice again.

At midday I called a friend and talked over the examination of my resentment from yesterday.  Interestingly, he had an even worse event that he needed to share.  This helped minimize my remorse and find my gratitude for the life I get to live.

My wife worked in the evening so I never did get a chance to make amends.  Although I admit that I should have tried anyway.

I got to talk to a sponsee this afternoon.

In the evening I made a nice dinner for the kids and I made the pool for them and put it under the slide.  they had a blast.

Thanks be to God.

This Monday got off to a great start.  I woke up early and made breakfast for the kids after completing my prayers with clarity.  After breakfast I got my oldest son to do a baseball practice to earn video game time.  Then I took the younger kids on a walk to the neighborhood park. We had a great little time there, I read the daily reflections and mass readings while the kids played on the playscape.  I read about making amends and about the delusion of worldly power and wealth.   I most enjoyed playing the troll under the bridge and chasing them in the shady garden.

When I got back I washed our vehicles and cleaned up in the garage.  While we were at home I turned on Fr. Corapi's talk about angels.  I was glad to see my son paying attention and then we watched a program about the ten commandments.

In the afternoon I took the boys to Sports Clips and we all got hair cuts.  I was disappointed in myself for not asking for ones and then tipping 5 dollars for each one of us. After the haircuts I took my son to buy a video game.

I wanted to got to a meeting tonight but chose not to as it would probably upset my wife.  Instead I began watching the LLWS with the kids.  At some point around this time, I started to be less energetic and responsive to the kids.  My wife got very angry at some of the things I let them do or did not respond to.  She   started yelling at them and then blew up at the girls and put the things that they did not clean up in a trash bag. Without thinking about it I got up and started arguing with her to stop being ugly to them.  We bickered a bit and then I blew up at her and kicked a box and punched a portrait on the wall and broke it.  She that was it that she wanted a divorce.   I was very disappointed that I lost my temper so badly.  I haven't done this in over a year.

My wife and I didn't talk the rest of the night.  She went to bed early and I put the kids to bed and said prayers with them.

I thought about how I must have gradually let myself fall back to believing that anger and arguing is an appropriate response.  I must be afraid that she is not disciplining the children in a way that I deem appropriate.  Even though I was very upset at my conduct, I was grateful that it didn't get worse and that I have a process to work out of it.

Thanks be to God.

This Sunday morning we went to early mass so that my wife could fill in for the children's liturgy class.  There has not been anyone to do the early mass so I was grateful for this opportunity.  I was glad that we were able to get up and make it on time.

After mass I tried to find out if my friend was ok but could not.  I did find out that he threatened to hurt me if I was sent to him.  I had selfish thoughts about how this affects me.

In the afternoon I spent some time practice throwing and catching a soft ball with my youngest son. Being autistic he has a physical coordination issues and can not catch a fly ball.  I need to do this more regularly with him.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting.  We read "To Employers" from the Big Book.  The thing I saw the most was how critical it is to understand the disease concept and to differentiate this from a bad habit.  I saw that the greatest struggle was in treating this problem like other problems and not understanding how willpower and standard approaches do not work for real alcoholism.  I saw how it was important not to neglect the problem.

Thanks be to God.

This morning my wife and I woke up extra early and set up a garage sale.  I was just as much in support of this was as she was.  But as we went about setting up I fell into an old pattern of thinking in which my attitude shifted to criticism.  Then a neighbor backed into her van which was parked across the street from his house.  I immediately blamed my wife.  Fortunately I resisted getting angry about this and turned my thoughts to acceptance.  I tried to remember that in accordance with God's will it was my duty to be a supportive husband.  I tried to think of it as an unfortunate little bump in the car which the insurance will cover.

The garage sale went well and we made a little money to help pay the bills.  Thanks be to God.

This afternoon I began to be aware of a tragic situation, a good friend of mine may have relapsed.  This should have been around the time of his 8th year anniversary of sobriety.

Several times over the past few days I have noticed small moments of perforations in my faith.  Times when I sensed in my mind the idea of thinking about recovery from character defects in purely biological terms.  I found much security and comfort when I sought and received revival of belief.

I got to go to a meeting tonight.  we talked about the personal examination and breaking our demands and dependencies.

On the way home I thought about whether I should go and pay a surprise visit to my friend.  I sought God's will and felt an intuition to go but didn't act on that.  I questioned myself later and then remembered where the Big Book says "Don't deal with him when he is very drunk, unless he is ugly and the family needs your help. Wait for the end of the spree, or at least for a lucid interval."

Thanks be to God.

This Friday was the last day of summer camps and the last day that I have any school work, thanks be to God.  I look forward to this week and a little vacation before school starts.

After dropping the kids off I had an errand to run and took the circuitous route through the country.   It was a nice interlude. I was grateful to be approved for childcare assistance for the fall.

I got my oldest son to do chores to earn media time.  I need to stick to this strategy.

At mid day I found out that a good friend of mine got sick on vacation and upon returning home founbd that his home had been broken into.  I pray that he and his family will be ok.

It was a peaceful and routine afternoon.  I practiced baseball a little with the kids.

I didn't get to go to a twelve step meeting

This Thursday morning it was nice to wake up and have finals behind me.  I felt stress less

Today was a routine day except that I had to take my last final for the summer.  I think I did good, but I didn't feel as prepared as I would like.  It's my own fault, I haven't been as disciplined as I should at studying.  But I was grateful to get it done.

I thought about going to a meeting afterward but decided that it would be more helpful to come home.  It was good that I did as my wife was napping and I was able to pick up the kids.

In the evening my wife griped at me for taking a side trip to the thrift store.  I had to resist laying on the matrimonial correction.

I got to visit with my mom this morning and we talked about how stress affects my dad's health.

I got to watch some little league world series with my boys.

Thanks be to God.

This Tuesday I mostly did school work all day.  It was difficult as my youngest daughter has gotten extremely engaging and wanted to do things all day.  I am grateful for the time we get together.

In doing my math work I learned about the difference between an acute angle and an obtuse angle.  It occurred to me that this corresponds to the concept of acute alcoholism and chronic alcoholism.  I imagined that my life is the ray starting at the vertex of my life and headed towards the goal?  When I engaged in heavy drinking the angel changed from going straight to the goal to a downward angle but still in the generally same direction.  As my alcoholism progressed, the angle got more and more pronounced until eventually it was headed in the opposite direction and became obtuse.

In the afternoon I set the kids up with a big sprinkler party in the back yard.

It was a good day.

Thanks be to God.

This Sunday morning the kids and wife were still at the coast.  I was disappointed that my wife didn't make sure that they made it to mass somehow.  I just had to accept it and consider that I should be more assertive about this next time.

We were blessed to have Fr. Charlie Van Winkle preach for us.  He talked about his Faith-Love Principle or FLP. This is a simple way of calling on the name of Jesus the minute that we begin to entertain sinful thoughts.  Without going into detail I thought this was particularly appropriate for me.

I struggled to get focused on school work but was very happy to get some done.

I was very happy to see my family home in the afternoon.  I got to walk with the kids to the park in the late afternoon.

I thought a lot this day about the blessing of carrying the message of recovery to others.  I thought of a new outline to tell mys story, citing the major attempts to get sober, the way that my orientation to the material and aversion to the spiritual was my persistent obstrucle, and then cite one-by-one, the blessings of recovery.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got off to a good start.  The part of our parental duties that I did was shuttle the kids to camp.

Back at home after breakfast I got really tired and fell asleep.  I felt remorseful at not being more productive.   But, I did waker up and get going.  I really felt back on track today after what was a really bizarre, intense disconnection and then recovery this weekend.

I got a little resentful this afternoon as I repeatedly tried to do school work and my daughter kept interrupting me.  But I tried to trust God that what needed to get done, would get done, when it needed to get done, and I tried to think of my daughter's and wife's needs and appreciate that I get to be a part of their lives.

Right on cue an email came to my inbox granting an extension on my homework.  I got to watch an episode of Intervention and I felt another renewal of enthusiasm for participating in the recovery of others.  I realized that I had been falling into doubt, even regret, about my choice of education in addiction counseling.  On the way to pick up the kids it occurred to me that this could be for God's will and that I should ignore the apparent obstacles and trust that he will find the way in which I will apply this profession.  I also received an edification to fully commit myself to pursuing this education.

At 6:30 I made a choice to go to a meeting.  I didn't want to do this again.  My impulse was to avoid contention with my wife, I suspected she would not be enthusiastic about this.  But. I remembered my renewed commitment to help others in recovery and chose to let her own her feelings and to place my dependence on God.  She asked me to do the dishes first, so I did.

I got to go to the meeting and see people laugh, cry, stomp out angrily and share passionately about recovery.  The topic was "Rarely have we seen a person fail..." as read from the original manuscript.  I regretted that I didn't get my thoughts completed well enough to share in time.  I realized that 6 years ago just before I got sober this term, I had the experience with this reading in which I realized I was one of those "unfortunates".

Thanks be to God.

This evening

This morning I woke up feeling anxious and worried.  I still could not stop running my story through my head in preparation for my talk at the treatment center.  I tried my best to pray and pray and turn my thoughts away but still struggled.  I took comfort in the fact that I managed to get it together in my thoughts and get through it.  At this point my story began to coalesce on the all the times I had to get sober and how I always got distracted by my material needs and worldly affairs.

I felt really weird alone in the home, with sore legs and feeling unrested.  I felt as if I had been up all night on a binge.

At noon I went to the treatment center and the talk went very well.  Afterward, many people approached me and gave me their thanks.

I came home and was able to relax and get some math work done.

In the evening I got to go to a 12 step meeting.  We talked about the distraction of material needs and worldly affairs.

Thanks be to God.

This Friday was a very odd day.  I got off to a good start and took a long walk in the park, something I need to do more often.  I came home, cleaned the house and got settled in to catch up on my homework.   I was optimistic about being productive this day because my children and wife were still away on vacation and I was past the work and rest of the first day.  Then I got a call from a treatment center, it was a staff member friend asking me to go and speak for the family session. This was great news and I was pleased with the opportunity.  But then I became exceedingly distracted and paced the house back and forth for the next three hours going over and over my story.  At early evening I was stressed out anxious and powerless to stop my story from running in my head.

I talked to my wife and decided to go to a meeting to get out of myself.  It was speaker night and a good friend was telling his story.  It was a good talk but the guy was nervous and it made me more anxious.  I did my best to resist these feelings, went to the yogurt shop with some friends and came home to sleep.  I tossed and turned and relived my life all night.

May God's will be done, thanks be to God.

This morning I got up super-early to help my wife and kids off on a 4 day trip to the beach without me.  I had very conflicted feelings about this.  But, I had to stay out of the way and let my wife do what she thinks she needs to do and let God decide if it is right for her or not.  Meanwhile I had to stick to the best choice for my sanity and stay.

I got to do some much needed cleaning and I caught a great program about the big bang theory.  While the program did the usual false dichotomy of the church against Galileo and science, I was surprised to see that the attitude was much more greatly improved there was significant attention given to the role and contribution of religion and churchmen to astronomy.  I was also impressed in how Georges Lemaitre was featured.  I began to think of a new idea that draws a parallel between the shift from geocentrism to heliocentrism to the shift from legalism to theocentrism (as initiated by Christ) in religion.  Perhaps a more fitting dichotomy would be that between anthropocentrism and theocentrism.  Perhaps this is written into the stars themselves.

I had an attack of troubling feelings after cleaning up in the morning.  I fell asleep several times during the day and was very unproductive and isolated.  I felt like I was in a deep depression by late afternoon.  I prayed to be willing to let God change me and asked for Him to do so.

This evening I got to go to a meeting.  The topic was again the reading "acceptance is the answer".  I thought again about how the reading offers this insight about acceptance and can sometimes be treated as another practice of the program.  I thought about how acceptance is a virtue and how I could not effectively practice virtues prior to the process of egocentric deconstruction, amends, and spiritual development.  I shared about how I struggled to accept the program even though I thought I knew I was an addict.  I remembered when I heard a guy describe how the obsession drove him against his will and I thought about how a few days after each of my binges the switch flipped in my head and drove me like a robot to the first hit.  I realized this was plain insanity and I received acceptance of my disease through the sharing from this guy.

I wished that I would have been able to say it that concisely in the meeting.  I also regretted adding on to that in commenting on a point of struggle of the topic bearer.  I need to remember to limit my sharing to the reading.

I felt a lot better after the meeting.  I also remembered that my troubles are sometimes the unavoidable consequence of being human.  I sometimes get physically sick, tired, and miss my family but I always have a process to cope with it.

Thanks be to God.

This Wednesday I did a good deal of  math work in the morning and then turned to psychology study for a test in the evening.

I got to spend a good deal of time with my kids.  My wife and I are warming up to each other but are still experiencing a great deal of distance due to our school and her choices (or my attitude toward them).

I was very anxious going into the test but prayed for calm and received it.  I think I did good.

Thanks be to God.

This morning my wife woke up first and I was worried that she would gripe at me for not jumping out of bed as it was late.  But I felt a special need to stay and pray.

Several times today I had to change direction and was ok with it.  As I was driving home from dropping off the kids I thought of a new perspective on self control.

I was grateful to get some math work done today.

I found myself feeling critical of my wife and thinking that I am too far separated from my recovery program and fellowship.

I got to play bocce ball, throw baseballs, and watch a game with my sons.

Thanks be to God.

This Monday I was very disappointed at not getting enough school work done.

I found myself anxious and stressed out going into my psychology class.

I went to a 12 step meeting after class.  I felt really weird about my part as a member of the fellowship.  After listening I felt better but I began to sense that my understanding of the human psyche has shifted a bit.  I was disappointed that I couldn't contribute to the meeting.  Afterward I realized that I had been too focused on what the speaker said and not on what she read.  If I had just commented on what she read I would have been able to  carry the message.

Thanks be to God.