I felt out of it all morning.  I guess my body is still fighting off this virus.  I wondered if my joy/reward system is still screwed up.  I wondered if motivational fatigue is a form of depression.  Not the sort of depression where one feels sorry for themselves, but rather the sort of depression where one's motivational drive is low.  I thought about how I would probably do better at getting going if it were not for the immediate clamor of children in the house.  There were two kids here that spent the night in addition to my four.  Then two more came over and the party from last night continued.

I tried my best to recover at mid day.  I wanted to study but never was able to find the solitude.  My wife went to work at 3 so my service load doubled at that point.

At some point in the evening I was cooking dinner and I suddenly smelled something that made me think of cocaine.  I felt a moment of desire in my mind.  It passed immediately and I just found it remarkable that this could still happen, and so randomly.  I wasn't fantasizing about any part of the old life, I wasn't stewing in anger, I haven't had any conscious desire for anything remotely close to partying in years now.  Other than the occasional dream in deep sleep, the old life is like an ancient myth that doesn't even seem relevant anymore.

I was too busy to stop and think about it at the time but later I wondered again about this.  I also thought about how much time I still spend thinking about my addiction.  I thought back to the class about grieving and loss.  I thought about how drinking and using and my sex attitudes were part of my identity.  I was really attached to the part of me that savored imported beers, high quality blow, and lustful pursuits.

It is easy to understand how this left a void within me when I was in early sobriety.  When my sense of identity was still edgy, just without the intoxicants.  But what I find astonishing is how it still exists now after all these years, now that my concerns are so different.  Now my thoughts and identity are dominated my family, my studies, and religion.  You would think that there would be nothing in my thought life that were attached to the old passions.

Thanks be to God for this day.