This Friday I let the kids sleep in to prepare for staying up late and going to a New Years Eve party.  I was home all day with the kids so by the end of the day I had child fatigue.

My wife had to take her brother to the doctor so she was away from home at the time when I needed her most, while I was cooking dinner.  Then as it got later and later she still was not home.  I was a little resentful which was selfish of me.  I almost decided to cancel going to the New Years Party out of frustration for running late.   But, after saying  a prayer I gathered the kids and we went to the New Years Party at my friend's house apart from my wife, she came later. We really enjoyed ourselves as usual, all our friends were there and it was a child friendly setting.

At the party I got a little carried away and threw some fire crackers in the fire pit and scared some people and burned a spot in a ladies shirt.  I did something that made me feel like an idiot for the second day in a row.  But, I thought it over and remembered that I rarely have to exercise that sort of self control anymore because I rarely have an opportunity to be mischievous.  I resolve however to remember this in the event the opportunity should arise.

I thought some about the past year.  Once again God has provided all that I need even when I couldn't see it. My kids have all been healthy and we have a comfortable home and food on our table.  I am finally achieving the one life accomplishment that has eluded me, a higher education.  I have grown closer to my wife through learning what the real values of a realtionship are,.  For the new year I resolve to work on this more.

Thanks be to God for a great year.

This morning I had some thoughts about the types of love, Sternberg's triangular theory, and the purpose for relationships in our lives.  Perhaps relationships form a huge part of our personal identity.  They are integral in meeting the familial or parental part of our psyche.

It occurred to me that I have been referring to the triangular love concept without giving a purpose for it.  I remembered how this helped me see that passion is only a part of the relationship and that the other two parts are given less value.  I thought about how each part of the triangle is a integral need that we have.  If we lack passion in our relationship then we should consider the value of intimacy (companionship) and commitment (security).

I also thought some of the nature of identity, of personal makeup and of conscience.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting.  We talked about prayer and meditation.

This morning I found myself needing to apply extra effort to center my focus on God before entering into prayer. My mind really, really wanted to bounce from thought to thought, to start up and run on autopilot, to... I'm not sure what to call it, but it is for my mind to be unrestrained.

I got to take my son to a baseball camp today.  Before the camp he was beginning to settle into an isolated sedentary routine on a rainy day.  I remembered to remind him a few times and to get him motivated by turning on a baseball program at mid day.  He didn't give me much objection but I could tell that he really didn't wan't to go, he just wanted to stay home and play with his new toys.

I was very proud of my son at the camp.  He wasn't one of the "natural" athletes, but he showed great technique, focus, and discipline.  I was especially impressed with his running which was a major focus of this first day.  I realized that the training we have been doing is changing what I thought was his natural slowness.  After the camp he told me unprompted that it was a lot of fun even though he didn't think that it would be.

Today I thought some more about the simple strategy for sobriety.  I thought about the idea of "the solution" in the Big Book.  I need to compile this into an entry in my sobriety blog and work on it there.  Perhaps I would carry a better message if I try to be like the "Dog Whisperer" of dope fiends.

Tonight I briefly thought about a discussion recently in which I suggested that in order to make sound decisions about relationships, one must know what it means to be in a relationship first.  If one cannot answer the question, "what does it mean to be in a relationship?" then perhaps that is a sign that one does not know.  Then I thought "do i know?" well yes, I thought.  But could I answer the question concisely?  Perhaps the answer might be to have a connection of love with someone that has passion, intimacy, and commitment.  A relationship that is unselfish, trustworthy, and patient.  A bond that is a vital part my life's purpose, design, and being.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Today I remembered that my thoughts lately have been on the problem of the will.  That being willing to take directions is the way to recovery.  That when I went through the early intensive part of my recovery that I learned to carry God's will all the time and therefore take directions whether an actual physical person is giving them or not.

This morning I got up and got the kids up on time.  I had a hard time getting them to play outside.  They became eager to go out when I went out and got their new outside toys out.  At one point I became frustrated when they all kept needing help.  Later I also got irritable with my son's young cousin who came to play with him and was acting unruly.

In both of these cases I was blessed with the resilience to simply think about how lucky I am to get to have these children and get to spend time with them and I was able to get free from my discontent.  Looking back I see that this was a reaction to my need for order.  I needed motivational force to correct the children and help them behave but I did not need to become agitated.

In the afternoon I did some service work for our 12 step club by reorganizing the meeting format notebooks and repainting a sign.

My wife worked in the evening.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning we woke up a little late but at a reasonable time given the incredibly busy day before.  I got my mind trying to drift into resentment over my wife's priorities of events and activities which do not start with church.  But, I resisted this and devoted some time to praying and getting my head on straight before getting out of bed.

I didn't push matters and let my wife and the little children wake up at their own time.  I took my older son with me to mass.  He was a good sport about it and it was an excellent opportunity for me to give him some focused direction on how to participate more in the worship.  Our priest gave us a great talk about the way we should conduct ourselves in our family member roles.

This afternoon we worked on getting things back in order.

I had a little struggle breaking the kids away from their toys and taking the dog for a walk.  They whined and moaned the whole time.  I was grateful however that they did obey and we kept up our new practice.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting.  We read from "A Vision for You".

Thanks be to God.

This Christmas Day my kids got me out of bed at 6:30 am to open gifts from Santa.  I was pretty exhausted from the busy day before.  But, I thoroughly enjoyed watching my children blissfully open their gifts and ooh and ahh as they did.  As this event came to a close, I caught myself feeling short tempered and irritable about the busy day ahead.  I don't remember things exactly but I know that I was not as helpful to my wife as I could have been and I griped and questioned her decision to take the trip we were embarking on.

As we drove out of Austin I struggle with waves of exhaustion that kept coming over me.  I thought about how dangerous this was and went through scenarios in my mind of falling asleep and losing control and wrecking the van with my family.  I thought about my wife's Uncle and Aunt who were killed this way in an accident with their daughters on a Holiday trip like this.  I did talk to my wife about it but she was just as exhausted (if not more so).
Fortunately I became more energized around lunch time and we stopped and had a meal and got refreshed.

While we were driving into Houston I had an interesting experience.  I noticed a vehicle on the side of the road covered in mud.  The driver was talking to a tow truck driver and a cop.  Their didn't seem to be any impropriety but I envisioned a scenario where the driver on a bender the night before drove off the road and flipped the car and then quickly left the scene to avoid arrest.  I imagined being energized from drinking and hiking to a store and then coming back the next day to get the vehicle.  I got this strange feeling of adventure about the whole thing.  It seemed odd that I would think of this as fun but I guess that was the vestiges of years of alcoholic living.

We had a great time at my wife's Aunt's home.  This was the Christmas gathering of my wife's family with her father and grandfather, uncle, and cousins.  As usual, I felt a bit awkward and imposing with my children.  But; they were well behaved and there were some other children there.  I also got to play some table tennis which was a real treat.  There was one interesting point where it looked like the only thing to drink during dinner was wine.  I found myself eager to show that I still don't drink.

My wife's Aunt's husband's yearly tradition is to say a poem that he writes before the meal.  This year his poem was very religiously oriented. It showed a degree of spirituality that I had not seem in he or his wife before.  Their house seemed to be filled with much more religious iconography that before also.

All afternoon I tried to connect with people but the doors all seemed to be closed or all we could talk about were the subjects that are 20 yards wide and one inch deep.  Then my wife's best cousin showed up, the host's son.  He is the one that is a fellow recovered addict.  He really livened up the party.  We had a great time reconnecting and he helped everyone open up and talk more.

My wife's father did not seem well.  He, like my brother, seemed to be withdrawing into his troubles more and more.  He was not very communicative and hardly engaged with anyone.  This was especially sad given that he rarely gets to see his grandchildren.  At the end of the day we found that we would not be going to visit with him and his wife whom the children consider to be their grandmother.

We took the three hour drive back home at night.  We enjoyed Christmas music and seeing the lights along the highway and in the small towns.  I got to have a great talk with my wife about our future plans.  The kids enjoyed watching movies with their uncle.

We arrived safe and sound and grateful for a blessed day.

Thanks be to God.

This Christmas Eve was a very busy day and I didn't write a review at the end of the day.

I got the kids up and fed unusually early to ensure that they would get to bed on time on this Christmas Eve.  During the day we watched programs and talked about the meaning of this special day.

We spent the morning cleaning house and preparing for our trip on Christmas Day.  I remember bickering with my wife over our cleaning.  I remember taking the dog for a long walk.   I remember thinking about some ideas that I really wanted to write about.  Now that I think about it, I also remember still struggling a little to find the energy and motivation to pursue Christmas preparation as frenetically as my wife.

In the afternoon we watched the Christmas Eve vigil mass live from St. Peter's Basilica in the Vatican on television.  It was a gloriously beautiful and spiritually edifying service.  Then we prepared to attend mass ourselves at our parish.  My wife dressed our children spectacularly and my wife and I dressed in coordinated fashion also.  We were a handsome family and I was proud and enthusiastic to attend.  But, when we arrived at Church we were astonished to find it packed beyond capacity.  I had to make a decision to go back home as we would have had to stand in the Foyer and my instincts told me that we might get ushered into an untenable situation inside the sanctuary with our four little restless children.  My wife took advantage of this as a good opportunity to relate this to the real experience of Joseph and Mary being turned away from the Inn.

I did find myself resentful at my wife for her habitual tardiness.  But I quickly realized that I was just as much to blame because I forgot that the Holiday masses are always packed.  For some reason I thought that it would be lightly attended.   I thought about how despite this knowledge the feelings lingered like the light in your eyes when you look at something bright and then close them.

After that my mom and Dad and Brother and partner visited our house for our Christmas gathering.  We ate a great barbecue dinner that my Mom provided.  It was depressing to see my brother and his girl friend in their seeming struggle in life.  They seemed like shivering denizens of addiction's mad realm.  Whereas our interaction with my Mom and Dad was upbeat and convivial.  We played a fun game of naughty or nice where I asked the kids to vote on how naughty or nice each person had been before they opened gifts.  There were lot's of laughs all around.

My kids enjoyed opening their gifts and they got bathed and made it to bed at a reasonable time.  I passed out exhausted with a terrible stomach ache.  My wife stayed up and prepped for Santa's visit overnight.   She stayed awake unreasonably late tending to tasks that she felt she had to do for our one day trip.  I and my kids are lucky to have her.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got off to a decent start albeit a little late.  I got to visit an ailing friend and exchange great conversation about the spiritual life and Christmas cheer.  

My son and I got to enjoy the pleasures of raking and bagging leaves most of the day.  There was a moment when he became obstinate and decided that he was incapable of doing the work.  He feigned weakness and inability to get the leaves in the bag.  Then he threw down his shovel and sat on a bench and pouted.  I let my anger distort my actions and I griped at him too harshly.  I also started giving him punishment (removal of electronic media privileges 2 hours at a time) and escalated too quickly.  I caught this and realized that my resourceful thinking was drained and I couldn't discern the right attitude and action objectively.   I thought about calling out my wife and turning the situation over to her.  But I asked for the right thought or action and felt compelled to step away for a few moments.  After a little while he reluctantly got up and complied.  We enjoyed the rest of the time working together.

In the afternoon I took a walk with the dog and the three oldest kids.  We went to the park and the school and the track.  I stopped the committee in my head at one point and took in the open field, the season, the sky, and the voices of the kids.

I thought a little about the middle way today.  I thought about a correlation with the narrow gate.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up on time with only lingering symptoms from my illness.

I thought some more about the problems in dealing with addiction.  I realized that I have been confusing two issues, the way we look at the behavior, and the needs of the person with addiction, and the way we approach the behavior.  Here is how they sort out for me now:

We tend to look at the problem as one of personality, environment, and human nature.
We need to address the problematic behavior just as we would any problem, we should get the larger, basic problems in order first then attend to the complex, individualistic issues later when they are better attuned to deal with them.
We should attend to the basic human nature first, environment second, complex personality issues third.
People in early stages of recovery need structure, moral discipline, and (personal therapy?) in that order.

Today I was so sick that I never got out of bed until late afternoon.

I had the feeling of guilt for lack of usefulness that I used to get when I would sleep in after using.  I remembered to think about how my debilitation is due to illness and to detach from the feelings of worthlessness.

In the evening I finally started to feel better and get back to normal.

Thanks be to God.

Last night I stayed up late working on some things for my home group.  This is something that I haven't been able to do in a long time.

This morning I thought a little again about the problem of dealing with the addict.  I thought that people attribute the behavior to environment, personality, and then a problem with being.  And since they are most accustomed to dealing with the external world they always gravitate to that first, then they speculate about personality and try to talk, coerce, convince, plead, medicate or threaten the person sober, then they are clueless about how addiction works in the mind so little effort is ever applied in this area.  Addiction is a problem of the mind and of the will so this is where primary effort should be placed.

In the afternoon I gradually felt more and more achy and run down.

I got to have a good talk to a friend in the program.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up groggy and sore.  I presume that these were the effects of a busy and physically active day yesterday.  For this I was grateful.

I made a very nice pancake breakfast for the kids including GFCF coconut flour pancakes for my son with autism.

Three of our kids have rhino virus so I had to stay home with them from mass.  My wife lead the children's liturgy today so she was our appointed family representative at church.

I was thinking about advice for a friend who just received a ministry appointment at his church.  One of the most important things that came up was the problem of dichotomies and debates about recovery, the 12 steps, and AA.  Surprisingly thought, this lead me to think of a different friend and his struggles in our counselor training.  I thought about the idea that the Big Book expresses that "argument and fault finding are to be avoided like the plague", that "we are no longer fighting anything or anyone."

I caught myself in the earliest stages of arguing and griping to the kids to get them to obey me this morning.  And they were in the earliest stages of defying me openly.  I stopped myself and gathered us together to sit and pray.  This is something we have begun doing recently.  We usually just do it in the morning for our set morning prayer, but I should employ this for times when crisis breaks out in our home.  Perhaps this would work instead of lectures and discussions.

My son and I walked our dog again today using the "Cesar way".  We went a lot further this time around the block, down through the park, to the running track at the school and all the way around the building.  I felt a real sense of bonding with the boy and the canine.  We talked about father and son stuff and breathed in and out the clean, crisp December air.  Our dog seemed more active, alert and more like part of our family again. I actually enjoyed hearing her bark today, she seems to be recovering her sense of pack esteem.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting.  We read from "To Employers". I thought about how the example behaviors of employers that the author described listed the order of priorities of dealing with the alcoholic problem reflected the grave misunderstanding of the nature of the disease.  The methods of dealing with the problem tended to be in managing to the business affairs of the individual, trying to coerce the willpower of the person, or firing them altogether or some other extreme reaction.  The author describes an strategy that runs counter to conventional thinking.  It puts an informed understanding of the disease first, setting appropriate boundaries, and then being willing to do what is best for both parties.

A friend described a great approach to how much and what type of disclosure is appropriate as an employee:
Be discrete about recovery from addiction, there is a great and well founded stigma attached to this
It's appropriate to identify oneself as a non-drinker to deal with solicitation to drink
When attending events where there is drinking, use a two strikes rule; after the second offer (per person) to drink it's time to leave
I thought that one can identify oneself as a non-drinker without having to identify oneself as an alcoholic.  A non-drinker may have had a bad habit that they must avoid but does not necessarily connote the alcoholic disease.

My friend with whom I have an uncertain mentorship seemed to want to talk tonight.  I got to attend the group conscience after the meeting.  I got to talk to a friend about spiritual matters after that.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning we got off to another good start.  Even more so since the house was in order and we had some pastries left over so I didn't have to cook breakfast.  I did well in keeping with our daily schedule and I got my son to do chores and limited media time for them all.

At mid morning my son and I got outside and did a good amount of fall leaf raking.  Later, his cousin came over and they got to play together.

I got to talk to a friend from the program about life's gifts and trials.

I intended to walk the dog with my son but we never got to it.

I thought a lot again today about the right order and simple schema for helping people start the sober life.

In the afternoon my son and his cousin and I went to the park and practiced baseball.  Time seemed to stand still.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Today  I felt very different than recent days.  I felt industrious and inspired.  I felt that if I could just find a passion that I could make a business and make a living.

In thinking about helping others recover from addiction today I began to have a vision of a strategy to give people an immediate understanding, a breakthrough in thinking, and a doable plan of action, that could inspire them to change their lives.

I was grateful to be able to go with my family to my youngest daughter's Christmas presentation today.  Their was a moment when our priest gave a blessing amidst bustle and chaos.  I felt proud to be one of those bowed in stillness, aware of the importance of this spiritual moment.

My wife went to work in the afternoon and all night.  I never felt overwhelmed with the kids today.  I somehow still had the energy and intiative to do some of the things I needed to do.

I got to take our family dog on a walk today with my oldest son.  Later in the day he said that he would like to get another dog.  I made a plan with him to walk the dog and care for her daily as training for our next dog if it is to be.

My parents came to visit today.  My mom cooked us a wonderful dinner and we had good times talking about the nature of dogs and people.  After dinner my mom and I and a couple of kids went to the Mexican bakery and bought a variety of delicious pastries.

Tonight I thought a little about the confusion between pleasures and needs.  I thought of the problem of a moral code based on pleasures.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Last night I watched Celebrity Rehab.  It really got my passion for recovery back on track.  I thought about what addicts at the very beginning need to hear.  Dr. Drew gets them looking at their childhood issues right away.  This might not be a bad idea as a means of helping them see an begin to understand the nature of their deep ceded psychological impairments.  He called this "landscaping".  But, to me they do not at all seem prepared to look at this precisely because they are not in their right minds.  Perhaps their are hierarchical levels of behavioral and thought problems that need to be addressed in order. Perhaps a better approach would be to guide them to understand the nature of addiction and volition first, and then the nature of the things that follow after that, perhaps the process of psychic change second, and the nature of spiritual fitness and resilience third.

At noon today I got to got to a meeting at the AA club.  As I arrived I had an experience with anxiety.  I realized that I distort the nature of my interaction with the meeting attendees.  I was able to relax by thinking of talking just as if I were speaking in a normal conversation with a good friend. Our topic was insanity.

This afternoon in thinking more about approaching the new person in recovery I thought perhaps the hierarchy of approach might best be described as being first, person second, and personality third.  I thought that of what the person needs.  They need the person making the approach to help them make sense of what is happening to them.  The answer lies in the disease concept not in the personality disorder.

I was inspired today to train my dog to walk on a leash.  I practiced in the back yard and then my daughter and I took her for a walk around the block.

I got to go to a CA meeting tonight.  The topic was step 12.

After the meeting i got to meet up with friends at a restaurant.

Thanks be to God.

Last night just after going to bed I had several panic dreams in which I recall trying to call someone to wake me up and thinking I was actually doing so but then finally waking myself up and realizing that I was screaming in my sleep.  I did get to sleep on time and wake up early although I had a hard time actually getting out of bed.

Today I had a splitting headache but was a lot more active than yesterday.  I had a weird unsettled stomach and episodes of low energy.  At mid morning I got to talk to a friend in the program.  I felt unusually uninspired and had trouble expressing some ideas to him about a subject that came up.

I did a longstanding cleaning project and had an appointment in the afternoon.  When the kids came home I did some yard work and played ball with the younger ones.

I got some bad financial news this afternoon.  I found out a major source of income was expired.  As I drove away from the bank I realized that I was not really prepared for this news even though I knew this day was coming.  I suddenly had a rush of feelings of inadequacy as a provider for my family.  Fortunately I was able to put my trust in God and think about several resources and options.  Mostly though, I turned to the experience that God always comes through with resources that I couldn't forsee.

I thought some today about the idea of surrendering the will as a matter of autonomy.  I also thought about calm assertive discipline.

Thanks be to God.

This Tuesday I had a very difficult morning and never made it through my morning prayers.  After I returned from dropping off the kids I worked on some school arrangements and made an appointment. Then I sat down and tried to pray and fell asleep hard.  I slept for a long time and woke up very disoriented.

I got going a little better in the afternoon when I got out and did all the kid pickups.  I had to climb up on the roof and fix the lights on the roof.  At some time during the day I read a great article from medical journal about the health benefits of prayer.

In the evening we attended my son's Christmas program at the school and then a neighborhood program at the park.  At the school I saw some friends from the program whose child attends our school.  We also saw my cousin and his family.  I had a weird experience at the park in which a woman sitting on a bench tried to start conversation with my cousin and I.  She had a very small child and looked and sounded as if she may have felt very isolated and was trying to make acquaintances.   I felt as if I should have been more neighborly and exchanged names and information.  Perhaps I should treat these situations just as I would standing outside 12 step meetings.

It was a good night out with my family.

Thanks be to God.

     This Monday morning was a little rough as we were all tired from the long Sunday before.  My wife and the kids all said the impromptu trip to Burnet for the Bethlehem town was worth it but I still question it.

     During the day I felt aimless at times but I encountered several tasks that kept me busy including dealing with an educational issue.  Thankfully I was able to get in to see someone and get it straightened out.

     I heard a discussion on the radio in the morning about the biblical passage from Matthew 7:1 that says "judge not lest ye be judged." The speaker said that it was a common axiom thrown back at Christians as a rebuttal to criticism, "Christian don't judge me."   The speaker went on to say that it is an incorrect interpretation of the meaning but I felt that he didn't explain very well why this was incorrect.  I actually thought the case he made as the "devil's advocate" was better than his own.

     When I got home I looked it up and read a little before and after and quickly identified the true meaning.  The  footnotes state that this is a statement about judgemental-ism.  It is about passing judgement in a spirit of arrogance in spite of one's own faults.   It is not a prohibition on recognizing the faults of others, just about being hyper-critical of their faults while minimizing or ignoring one's own.  The lines that followed in which the impenitent are called dogs and swine show clearly that it is not a prohibition on recognizing faults. (note how I judged the speaker ;) )

   I think that the main point of this text is that one cannot help others recover from their faulty logic if they have not recovered themselves. It is less about judgementalism than it is about the nature of spiritual consent.  A person to whom one is trying to help will not be open to another if another doesn't live up to that standard.

     Perhaps the beauty in this is that one could answer both sides of the argument with "yes, you are right."   The person who feels judged is right in their motive to defend the just.  But while their conclusion might come from a right motive their premise may not hold up in light of moral truth.  If their truth is based on a relative assessment then the problem is one of perception.


"Stop judging, that you may not be judged.  For as you judge, so will you be judged, and the measure with which you measure will be measured out to you. Why do you notice the splinter in your brother's eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove that splinter from your eye,' while the wooden beam is in your eye?  You hypocrite, remove the wooden beam from your eye first; then you will see clearly to remove the splinter from your brother's eye.  "Do not give what is holy to dogs, 4 or throw your pearls before swine, lest they trample them underfoot, and turn and tear you to pieces.

  This led me to think about moral relativism all afternoon.

My wife worked all day so I didn't get to go to a meeting in the evening.  I sat down and re-strung our Bethlehem Star ornament with lights and remounted it on the roof.

Thanks be to God.

     This morning I got up on time and got off to a good start.  Before my oldest son woke up I remembered his self-esteem crisis from the night before and I took up where I left off wondering how to approach him.  My thoughts seemed very crisp this morning and I realized just how futile my approach had been last night.  It occurred to me that perhaps the idea of "the glass half full" would be appropriate.
     After a little while I turned on the TV for Fr. Barron's show "Word on Fire."  He gave a good talk about how we read the Bible and how we should know the great Church Fathers, like Origen, Aquinas, Agustin, etc.
     At mass our priest gave a wonderful sermon that was incredibly synchronous for me.  It was about the idea of perception of our problems.  He talked about the type of person who always sees the problems but never sees the good things in life.  He gave an analogy of looking at our yard and seeing only the few weeds cropping up and not the beautiful grass.  He also told of a saying that best sums it up: “Two men look out the same prison bars; one sees mud and the other stars.”  This was incredibly apropos for the problem with my son.
     It was a very busy day and I couldn't get over how much more active I was able to be than yesterday.  I fed the kids at both meals and i did some cleaning and played with the boys.  In the evening we went to a Jerusalem reenactment in a small town 50 miles away and stopped at a trail of lights on the way home.  I thought that my body must have been fighting off a virus or something yesterday.  In fact I heard there is one going around on the news tonight.  But I also did some catching up on journals tonight and realized what an incredibly busy and trying week it has been for me.
    Thanks be to God for this life.

     This morning I got up on early to keep us on schedule.  Everything went well and all the kids got up and got going and my wife even woke up around 9:30.  The only problem was that I fell asleep after feeding the kids and cleaning up.
     I felt selfish today as I found myself unable to do much besides feed the kids until mid afternoon.
     I took my sons to the park to practice baseball.  I seemed to lack direction and realized that I need to work with my son on quickness.  We had fun and forgot to get home on time as my wife had to leave for a job.  When I did get home the girls were at the neighbors and she had left.  I have to admit that it was a change for her to just find a solution and move on.  She wasn't even that mad at me when I called her.
     I grilled a nice dinner and played washers with my son's friend.
     This evening my son decided that he was depressed. I had a hard time acknowledging his feelings and just wanted to urge him to snap out of it.  As I talked to him I remembered going through this myself as a child.  Feeling sorry for myself for no good reason.  At first I tried to talk him through it and reason with him.  But then I realized that this will not fix it, that it must be worked out and pass in his mind.
     Thanks be to God for this day.

     This morning I woke up with some persistent thoughts that interfered with my concentration in prayer.  As I got to the parts of my prayer where I ask for a resolute attention span, my attention wandered back to the thoughts. I stopped and took some time to examine my motives and saw that over the course of the past few days my resolve to subdue the arousal of my senses has waned.  This has progressed subtly into a more overt form of one of my character defects.
    As I examined the problem and prayed against the basic drive that was the motive for it, I considered that the feeling arises automatically and if allow it to perpetuate it becomes so powerful that it controls me.  This led me to revisit the idea of the moral inventory.  Specifically my early objection that it would not help my addiction because I couldn't see how morals were related to a problem of an overpowering internal drive to get high.  My objection better crystallized here as I realized that I thought the word "moral" implied behavioral law unrelated to the thought processes involved in addiction.
     I thought perhaps an inventory of feelings, motives, forces, or drives might be a better approach.  Perhaps this could at least make for a good way to communicate the idea to the reluctant individual.  I also thought about how the Big Book says that men and women drink because they like the affect.  Here I think is the only consideration of the sensation that alcohol produces, that it feels so good.  Perhaps this indicates that some sort of drive should be added to the inventory.  Perhaps in addition to resentment, fear, and sex, we ought to add pleasure.
"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol."
     Perhaps the reason a moral inventory is in order is because the root of our troubles is in the fact that our control limits is based on what we like.  That turning our will and life over to God is to make His truth the baseline for our behavior, thus imparting power for control of our selves.
     Tonight I got to go to a meeting.  I really needed it.  I was very uptight by the end of this day.  Going to the meeting took me out of my isolation and got me reconnected with others and God.  It got me out of self.
     Our topic was our experience with resentment and the struggle to find acceptance in our circumstances.  I thought first about the concept of locus of control; internal locus or external locus.  But I dropped that train of thought and looked at how acceptance is sometimes achievable through prayerful introspection, but sometimes it is not, even though I might know that I should find it, I just still have the feelings.  It is then that I have to dissect my resentment and find the basic drives that are awry and the desires that I am defending.  Then I can pray for it to be removed.  I have to remember that I am not just finding knowledge about myself and exerting my will but that I must also turn it over to God.  Just like in steps 6 and 7, I have a part and God has a part.
     This also led me to think about the other affect on acceptance when I treat the offender (or perceived offender) as a sick person too and forgive them just as I was forgiven.  Here also it is important for me to discern that I placed my self in a position to be hurt, not necessarily wronged, that my part is strictly in my feelings and judgement, not necessarily in the circumstances.

Thanks be to God.

     This Thursday morning I went to my last Psychology of Personal Adjustment class and took the final.  I was disappointed that I wasn't better prepared as I didn't study at all before the test.  Fortunately I'm sure that I did okay but I felt the class and my professor deserved much more of an effort from me.
     I wondered if I will look back on this class as a pivotal event in my life.  I thought of the comparison of this class and Human Growth and Development.  In the HG&D class it seems that we mostly focused on the facts of the ages and stages of life, but in PPA class we looked at the application of theories and experience in how to live and change and thrive.
     I learned or was inspired into discovery in several concepts that have already changed my understanding of the inner life.  Just reading the book "Tuesdays with Morrie" alone was invaluable.  From that book I was moved to the idea of "Life's greatest lesson: A person must learn to die, in order to learn how to live." But there have been many others also like existential psychology, the Flow of experience, self-esteem injunctions, resilience, etc.
     This afternoon I was stringing lights on the roof and entered a very focused state of mind.  I was systematically mounting lights on the peak of the roof and backing along a little at a time when suddenly I noticed tree limbs to my side.  I was suddenly startled by the realization that I a had backed to within a few feet of the edge.  It would have been horrible for my children to have seen such a tragic incident.  I believe that my Guardian Angel protected me from this for my children.
   I was very happy that my wife and son went to reconciliation mass tonight.  I was very proud of them both for the attitude of valuation of their spiritual life.
    Thanks be to God!

     This Wednesday morning my wife and I got mixed up about who was going to do what in kid drop offs.  I was talking to her and trying to sort what to do and how they affected my errands.  She directed me to take the youngest which in the moment I thought would affect me making it to the driver's license office on time and when I declined she blew a fuse.  I tried not to openly react but did feel resentful.  I was able to resist and change my attitude by just thinking it through a little and during the first drop off changed my mind back to my original thought to help her with the last kid.  I did for a moment have a thought from my old thinking which was to let her  reap the consequences of what I deemed to be poor communication skills, but I realized the stupidity and selfishness of that right away. Surprisingly she accepted my help and was very civil to me.
     I made it to the Department of Public safety and got my expired license renewed.  The line was long and the staff was few but I got through in a reasonable time and relative ease.  I was worried at first as I heard partial conversations that lead me to believe I might encounter problems, but I decided to trust God and accept whatever obstacles I might encounter and try to have a good attitude.  I saw a lady who was with her son decide to make a scene and complain about her idea that there were "too many obstacles" in this process.  She seemed to be a well to do woman who expected to get her way.  I felt bad for her in her futile pursuit and I remembered how poorly I would have handled this in the past.
    In the evening I got to go with my son to a college women's basketball game.  It was fun to interact with my son and his friends from school for an extended time like this.  I got to meet his principle.  It was loads of fun and i wish that I had taken more photos of all the kids and not just my son so that I could have provided them for the school.  I was inspired to take a more active role in his life and the school.  It was a late night but it was worth it.
     Thanks be to God for this day.

This morning I had a hard time waking up despite getting to bed on time last night.  I guess it was just that busy of a day yesterday.

On my way to school I thought about some basic concepts that an addict must realign his will...

I met with my friends in the cafeteria this morning before class.  I really enjoy this time in the morning and the crazy characters that I go to school with.

We had presentations for my class.

In the afternoon my father called me and we went to sporting goods stores and thrift stores shopping for Christmas gifts.  I enjoyed spending time with him again.  Sometimes when I am with him I find myself doing small things in patterns that formed in my childhood.

I took my son and his youngest sister to his science fair tonight.  It was a crisp fall evening and we had a great time walking through the neighborhood and park amidst the Christmas lights.

After that I got to go to a 12 step meeting.  Our topic was the bedevilments and the promises.  I thought about how I worked the steps with a sponsor and got a little downrange when I started having more problems with frustration and resentment.  I looked for information about what it meant for a life to be unmanageable and found only the bedevilments.  I wondered why this was the only nod to this yet the steps were a spiritual modification program.  I realized that it might be because alcoholics wouldn't care or believe that they have problems in these areas until they have begun to realize a spiritual awakening.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we were all late waking up and had a major problem with my son.  He was grouchy and willful.  I vowed to get disciplined about sticking to our schedule and getting to sleep on time.

At school we listened to reports on interviews with human service workers.  They were very helpful to get a better picture of the field.

After class I ran into a guy that I hadn't seen in a long time.  We had a great time catching up and he informed me that my old fishing buddy is doing well.

I felt really motivated today to get active in the 12 step fellowship again.
This afternoon I put up Christmas decorations with the family.

Thanks be to God.

This Saturday morning we got off to an early start as my wife had a garage sale.  The house was in order so things went fairly well and I kept the kids from sleeping too late. In the morning I got them all outside and had my oldest practice baseball and do the dishes.

I thought a lot about several things related to personal adjustment and sobriety but I don't remember any of it.

I got to watch the movie, "The Alamo".  It was the most historically  credible rendition I have seen of the event.  I was intrigued by the personalities on both sides and noted how none of them were perfect heros or villains.  They all had virtues and flaws.  I thought the movie captured the full scope of perspectives.  I was especially interested in the dynamic between the Tejanos and Mexicans.  Juan Seguin had been a Mexican loyalist but battled the corruption of Santa Anna.  Santa Anna while corrupt was a powerful leader that the Mexican people needed and continued to follow despite his flaws.

An interesting thing happened later in the afternoon.  My brother stopped by unexpectedly.  He needed some help as he is having to move.  He had a friend he has known since high school. As I talked to the friend, he related to me his story of recovery from addiction and religious conversion. It was a great conversation, I just wish that I could have engaged my brother a little more.  I invited him to our recovery group. I wish that I could have been a better host as I was in the back yard and never invited them in.  I had to make a difficult decision about giving appropriate help when my brother asked me to rent a vehicle for him to move his stuff.  Fortunately my license is expired so it was a moot point, thank God.

In the evening I went to a meeting.  It was a speaker meeting with a guest from Laredo.  He had a great story, it was one of those "high bottom" but deep obsession stories.  The guy did well in telling a complete story including how he recovered and how his life has gotten better.  He also did well in including the spiritual component.

Thanks be to God

This Sunday morning we got off to a good start and made it to mass on time and out in good spirits.  One of my daughters had a little melt down  but she recovered from it well.  Our priest gave a sermon on the importance of keeping priorities in order and placing our spiritual life before all things.

In the afternoon my parents came to visit.  The neighbors were having a birthday party and engagement celebration for their daughter.  They had a taco grill set up with genuine Mexican cuisine.  My father and I had a great time eating and talking with them.

Afterward my wife and mom went shopping and left us men with the kids.  My dad and I had a good talk about the nature of people's behaviors and appropriate help for addicts constantly in trouble and seeking bail outs.  We also watched a little of Ken Burn's baseball series.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Last night my son suddenly started throwing up and my wife had to stay up late helping him.  She also had to get up in the middle of the night with him.  This morning I got up a little early and tried to do more to help with the kids.  I had hoped she wouldn't have to get up early but there were things she had to do anyway.  I was less than supportive about her garage sale.

This morning i had some burdgening thoughts about the need for all people to surrender the will, the need to concede the scope of one's power over their world. I also thought about how tolerance as a virtue toward resilience might have been taught in personal adjustment class.

This afternoon while I dropped off my son at therapy I thought about the distinction of the 12 steps as a spiritual conditioning program not a drinking behavior modification program.  that the will and moral standards are reformed.  Drinking and other behavior modification are then poossible.

All afternoon and evening an intriguing deliberation has been going on in my thoughts.  I keep thinking back to my presentation about the importance of an afterlife concept.  I have had some thoughts to give it more depth and complete the presentation, I have experienced doubts as to whether I should have done that subject and then lastly I have realized that it may very well be life's greatest lesson.  I watched some programs with my children tonight and I realized some even more contemporary sources of mythological archetypes.  This afternoon I went to the bookstore and looked at some books about this subject.  It is a subject of great interest to scholars and there is a lot of literature about it.

Thanks be to God.

This morning before class I sat with my friends who are studying to be counselors.  One person talked to me about her experiences as a counselor prior to needing to meet education requirements.  She took me on a journey through the seedy side of the recovery industry.  It was eye opening.  It was something that I was not familiar with but was not too surprised to hear.  I also got to hear about the various types of flawed personalities that go into the field.

In Personal Adjustment class I gave my final presentation.  I was the last person to present.  The people that went before me did really well and had good visual media.  I was a little nervous and intimidated.  A girl went before me who started her talk about being passionate about recovery.  I found this very helpful as I was the only one talking about the book rather than some personal interest.  I was able to open by talking about my passion for personal adjustment.  My presentation went well but I was a little disappointed to miss two key points.  All in all I am grateful for this experience and for the opportunity to take this class.

In the afternoon I took a final in Human Growth and Development.  I think I did well.  I also turned in my eulogy project.  My professor surprised me by saying that it was good and she was moved in reading it.

Once again I am deeply grateful for these great classes I got to take and the wonderful teachers who led them.

I was sad to here that my wife's friend's son died of an overdose this week.  My prayers go out for him and his family.

I got to throw baseballs in the back yard with my two sons this afternoon.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This Wednesday morning I got to talk to a friend and fellow student about his career history and why he chose to pursue a career as a counselor.  I was surprised to hear that he had an education and twenty year tenure wuth a major corporation in a rewarding and lucrative industry.  He also discussed with me some of his experience and knowledge about the many types of opportunities in the counseling field. The was immensely helpful to me and gave me a great uplift.   In our Social Services class people gave presentation of their interviews with service workers.  It was great to get a picture of all the types of human services workers there are and what there experiences and employment conditions are.  One lady shared that she interviewed a staff director who told her that her counselors start at a really reasonable pay grade.

All afternoon I worked on my final presentation for tomorrow.

Thanks be to God.