Sometimes I'm not sure if my connection to God is open and clear even though I think I am doing his will. Even though I am taking care of my wife and baby and young kids.

I feel isolated for long stretches and couldn't get to church today or to a meeting. I did get to talk to my friends Rick and Robert and I got to go visit my wife in the hospital with my mom's help. I got to see my Father-in-law and his wife and my Mom and Dad. I also got to speak to my brother.

I watched the mass today on TV to try and make sure that I was part of the universal communion. I tried to get my oldest son to watch but I could have done better.

Thanks be to God for another great day.

This is a review of yesterday Saturday, 09-29-2007. Baby Sophia Delores Sepulveda as born at 3:15 in the afternoon. God blessed us with a safe and healthy childbirth. Christie was very afraid of being induced and the doctor encouraged her to go forward with a "managed" labor since the baby was potentially so big. Our prayers were answered when everything went smoothly and Christie didn't have to endure too much pain.

The night before last I had a sex dream and a using dream. In the using dream I just remember going through the planning stages. That is I made up my mind to party because Christie was going to be away on some trip and I was lying and making phone calls to line things up. As the time neared I woke up in my dream. I realized what was happening and didn't want to go through with it but it was too late. I was powerless. Then I woke up.

In looking at what is going on with me I thought of the fact that I haven't been able to go to meetings and that my praying, meditation, and review have been interrupted and inconsistent lately due to Christie's pregnancy. I accepted that this is something I just have to work through and turn to God for help in. I spoke to my sponsor yesterday and he reminded me that I have years of using around times when I had opportunities like when the wife is away. That all of this is stored in the unconscious and is a far larger volume of the mind than the conscious. I realized that in my subconscious I knew the birth was coming up and there must have been some lurking "notion" of the opportunity to party while Christie was away.

Anyway, last night I had to come straight home since my mom was here with the kids and I didn't get to go to the meeting. I feel a renewed enthusiasm for meetings and te spiritual life.

Tomorrow Christie is being induced. Baby sophia will be coming into the world, God willing. I pray that all goes well and that baby and mother come home safe.

Tonight I had a moment of resentment. - selfish

Today I got frustrated when Christie asked for my help in deciding whether to be induced. But I did my best to be supportive.

I felt a little resentful tonight that I couldn't go to the meeting.

I am grateful that we have a new member of the family coming and that I will be able to get back to my meetings soon.

So be it.

Tonight I had a hard time getting to this review. Christie was at her meeting and I had to get the kids to bed.

Bobby came to after I put them to sleep and told me he was very afraid. He said he was afraid of going away from God in the future when he got older and started doing what he wants to do. He said he was afraid that he would go to the Devil. I was very proud of him when he prayed on his own for God to help him not be afraid. I told him about when I was a kid and I had night terrors and nobody believed me. Eventually I was able to send him to bed with a cross to hold if he was afraid.

I was resentful as I started to do this review and Christie was trying to talk to me. I realize that I have an excessive fear of not getting enough sleep. Not that that is not a valid fear, I think it is within God given instinct to feel urgency to get to bed on time. But the instinct exceeds it's proper function when I let it be my justification for anger to her. That is when I let it get between me and her. - selfish

I did well to set aside my judgements today.

I was pretty busy at work today and felt useful.

This evening I was able to be helpful with the kids and my mom visited and we all had a great little dinner and then played in the backyard.

I thought about how HALT: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired might make a good meeting topic.

I was motivated to followup and draft a post on the scripture reading from my study.

I got a call from my new sponsee. I got a call from my good friend Robert.

I was able to give Christie some reassurance about her fears this morning before work.

I pray for good sleep for us all.

Today was a good day. I am grateful for good health, good employment, good love and good thoughts.

At work I could have been more productive in my downtime. - dishonest

At times I was afraid of not being useful enough. I am just grateful that I am not run over like some of my other jobs.

Last night I didn't get to right a review. I was late getting back from my Bible study.

At the bible study something interesting happened. There was a question well into the meeting that asked the question: "when have you had to rely on a power greater than yourself?". I have been restraining myself from speaking about my addiction in the company of normal people. Something kept me from speaking about it ubtil the next question: "Do you share with others how God has helped you in your life?". I felt like that was my que from God to speak about it. I tried not to be too long winded but did talk a bit. Then the meeting leader talked about his drinking and God. Then another guy talked at length about his life of delinquency, crime and drugs.

At this point I felt like several of the others may have been alienated or confused. I realized just how much normal people are not like us. I think it was the right thing to do but I also feel like I learned how important it is to be prudent in normal circles. This also reaffirmed my recent endeavors to strive to be ble to communicate the miracle that God has performed in my life in terms of unmanaeability that any human being can relate too.

I thought today that maybe my 12 step fellowship is too close to the church where the meetings are held. I had to rethink my idea about having a meeting every night. Maybe that type of use would be better suited to a club.

Kevin called me and I called him back and had a good conversation at lunch. He was checking up on me because he heard I was going through a lot and he hadn't seen me at meetings. - grateful

Corrective Measures
--------------------------------------------

• I should jot down my thoughts during the day.
• I should also continue to try and think of ways to speak about the benefits of a spiritual life in terms that secular people would be receptive to.
• I should continue to strive to be a demonstration of good character and not a hypocrite.
• I should try to think more of others and call them

Grateful to be loved.

Today I thought about my fear of losing time. I thought about it when I was on my way to work and on my way home. About how I often engage in a competition with other drivers on the road. Sometimes it's when I overvalue the few moments I think I might gain by getting ahead of the slow people. Sometimes there's no reason at all other than I just want to beat others. I resolved to enjoy my drive instead and just turn off the radio and peacefully contemplate the things that are worth valuing.

I studied Nietchze, Jung and Joseph Campbell again today. I saw how their ideas were connected. I saw how Jung found meaning to life, Campbell fought with people and Nietzche died insane. They were all inspired by truth but they didn't all chose to see it.

I caught myself starting to react disrespectfully to Christie again today. But fortunately I remembered to set aside my judgement and to treat her with kindness. It was a good evening.

At work a couple of guys got into a conversation about reacting to customers and treating them disrespectfully because they don't do what they are supposed to. I wanted to interject and explain what I see them doing. Instead I waited until they brought me in, in an irreverant way. I had an inspiration to speak about how their conversation helped me in my marriage. About how resisting my judgements regardless of whether they are right are wrong was the way to get positive results. Not by changing her but by changing me.

Corrective Measures
------------------------------------------------------------
Tomorrow I should try to help Evan more at work
Tomorrow I should tell Christie I love her more
Tomorrow I should try to be a better example of living a moral life

This morning I woke up much later than usual, I was very tired from the yardwork I did yesterday. I was afraid for a short time about losing time. This has been a great fear of mine for a large part of my life. This brings to mind something that came to me during the homily today at mass. This fear comes from a "world centered, world view". In this mindset I can only concieve of what is possible through the limited resources of this world. More precisely the limitations of the world within my vicinity.

Living in a "God centered, world view" I don't have to fear the limitations of the world. I don't have to dread losing time on the weekend. And there's much more...

The rest of the day I watched races and bicycle jumps with Bobby. We practiced baseball in the back yard. I played with the kids in the evening. And I spent some time talking to Christie today.

I didn't get to do anything 12 step related today but I did think alot about step 3 and a breakdown of the step similar to step 1.

• Made a decision
• Turn our will over
• Turn our life over

Made a decision - This is more than just a decision, it is a change of direction. It is the beginning of a new life, a "God centered" life.

Turn my will over - This is where I turn over my powerlessness.

Turn my life over - This is where I turn over my unmanageability.

Lately I have not been spending much of my review seeking corrective measures. So I have decided to write them down so to make sure I do this part of the review.

Corrective Measures
-------------------------------------------
I should call my brother who is sick
I should call Robert my new sponsee
I should be more loving to Christie
I should be a better caretaker to my dog Pinga

This morning I was resentful when I was trying to cook breakfast and all the kids wanted something at the same time.
This morning I thought a little about just how much of an introvert that I am. About how I feel awkward around people.
I also made some observations about times when I have low level selfishness and resentment that I should be inventorying but I just haven't been aware of them. I wish I could remember what they were.

Today I did some much needed yard work including trimming some branches. I was graetful for the initiative and energy to do it. And I got a great sense of serenity from the tidiness of the back yard and seeing the kids play out there.

Tonight I went to the Stepping Stones meeting. The topic was "Why does he behave like this?...why is it he takes that one drink?"

I observed that I "take that one drink" two different times. One is when I am newly sober and trying to stay abstinent and the mental obsession takes over and I just can't get any time under my belt. The other time is when I am "down range" and I have some time under my belt and all the crises have been resolved and life id getting busy and my program begins to get sketchy.

I shared that the first scenario is easy to understand as it it rooted in that IRC from being separated from that drink or dru that give's me the sense of ease and comfort. The other scenario is not so easily explained because I usually have no indication that I'm going to drink, it just happens our of the blue.

In either case the solution is that I turn over my will and my life to God as I understand him. Early on I mostly turn over my will and am restored to the type of sanity that is power over that obsession. But later it has to equally be my life that I turn over. That is the other areas of life that are seemingly unrelated to my sobriety.

I said that the most recent example of doing this is when I had to stop staring at the tatoo of a naked woman on someone's arm in the room. That this was an example of the type of area where I have a character defect, that is, an area of my life where my basic instinct has exceeded it's proper function and it blocks me from the power of God that restores me to sanity.

I thought maybe I should have siad something about internal unmanageability but now I realize that I said enough.

Grateful for another "Best Day"

It's been an up and down day.

All day I had a persistent pressure in my ureter as my kidney stone is trying to come out. I had to go to the bathroom alot. The good thing is that I didn't have excrutiating pain and I didn't have to take the day off from work.

Work was good, I got to work on a creative project in the morning and it was slow in the afternoon. As I left work this afternoon I stopped on the corner of 6th and Congress and realized how blessed I am to have the job I have. Tonight I saw a commercial for etrade and I remembered a recurring moment of wishful thinking when I would wish that I could get lucky enough to find a support job with an ecommerce company. Today I have that job.

In the early evening I enjoyed some time with the kids. After Christie left I got overwhelmed by their energy. Tonight I almost didn't do this review again but I remembered a talk I recently heard about bearing one's cross.

I was resentful at the kid's at times.
I was afraid of not being helpful at work.
I was selfish when I wanted to zone out on the tv.
I thought of myself most of the time and not enough about helping others.

Last night I went to our second bible study at St. Paul's. There were only 5 of us attending. I had read the psalm and gospel and study questions but I still was brought to the most inspiring points by our group participation. I had been able to see some things from my personal study but could only see the most important things when we worked together.

When the moderator spoke about Catholic theology I realized that I was very well informed. When we did the study and were asked questions, I had very profound thoughts and things to share and even things I held back. When the moderator asked the lady with a mental disability to pray at the end, she prayed insightfully and without hesitation and powerfully in a way I can only aspire to do. "Out of the mouths of babes..."

Yesterday was my 4th year of sobriety date and my God given birthday.

The Gospel reading was Jesus' raising the son of the widow from the dead, which speaks to me of being restored from the death of addiction by God's power.

The Daily Reflectons reading was a great summary of the basic premise of spiritual healing in which I must relinquish my will fully.

Today I had to come home from work with a kidney stone.

I was in excruciating pain, I remembered to pray for God to help me. A little while later it stopped.

Later I was afraid about missing time at work. I must pray for him to remove my fear so I can better be the person he needs me to be.

Today I didn't feel as helpful at work as last week. It was slow and I didn't really focus like I should have. It wasn't all bad or anything. But I just didn't stay focused enough. Tomorrow I should resolve to spend all of my free time either on the dealer testing or the typing tutor.

I realized tonight that my dream about my grandmother last week was a visit from her for my birthday. It was a joy to talk to my Dad about it today and I think that these talks are part of my continuing amends.

Tonight I came home instead of a meeting because of the late stage of Christie's pregnancy. Tonight she thanked me for that because even though she's tired, she's not as worn out as she could be if I didn't come home.

Last night I didn't finish my review but I connected with my wife.

This morning our Gospel reading was the parable of the prodigal sun.

Wherever you go, there you are.

Tonight at the meeting I was asked to bring the topic. I didn't really want to because I get to do it too much. I suggested the chair ask a person who never has been asked. He declined so I went ahead and did it.

So as I started to think about it, I was inspired to ask her to help me. She gave me a great idea so I read from page 101. "...any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed...". As everyone shared I was given a different perspective on this. I finished the meeting with a share but might thoughts fine tuned a little later.

My restoration to sanity is an "inside job". The "shield from temptation" has to happen within. I have to be made "safe and protected" by God's power internally not protect and save myself by attempting to control my external circumstances. And I can't do the inside job through self-help or affirmation or therapy, the shield doesn't "come from within but it "happens" there.

Today I got a little resentful when I went to pay at the store and Christie had my card. I tried not to be resentful but I don't remember if I prayed like I should have. I couldn't resist being snipey about it. I need to make amends to her. Later today I was grateful for her.

Today was another blessed day.

Last night I didn't write an evening review so I thought I might try my first online version . Yesterday I spent most of the day working on the SCTA website so I was afraid that I wasn't doing what should be doing to look for a job. At some point during the day I was reminded about my old dreams of flying. In those dreams I always would have to keep my arms spread and really believe I could fly. If I didn't then I would drop down. I always thought that these dreams were as Freud said. That they were about sex. Now I don't believe that anymore. I believe these dreams are about faith. perhaps this is a great deception by the adversary through Freud. I find this to be agreat revelation that points to that inate awareness of our spiritual hunger. I fully believe now that I had a subconcious need for faith all along.

Last night I got to work with a guy until late in the evening. When I came home I was exhausted and went straight to bed so I am reviewing this morning.

Wednesday night I had a dream that I was being stalked by a huge white tiger and a really fat crocodile. The beasts kept attacking each other but still kept after me. They caught me more than once in the mud by fortunately I didn't dream the outcome, just the terror of the chase.

Last night when I was working with Clay I was describing the volume of the unconscious mind in relation to the conscious and preconscious. I described how our dreams may be an indicator of the struggle and processes happening in the hidden world of the spirit.

This is why I can't rely on my conscious thoughts or feelings as the gauge of my spiritual condition.

Even though I may not be getting resentful, or being selfish, or thinking of drinking (or using) I shouldn't think all is well. The only way I can ensure immunity or be in that safe place of neutrality is to do the spiritual work.

Yesterday I made it through my second day of answering calls at work all day on my own. I even did an IM in the afternoon. I am grateful for the initiative that God has graced me with to be able to do it. I felt useful at work and I am really learning the system.

Payday snuck up on me and I just ended the day with a great sense of optimism that God will provide for my family and he is building my self esteem.

This morning I woke up from a dream that I was visiting my Grandmother (My Dad's Mother; My Abuela). She and I were talking about things in here house and in her garden. The house was a surreal, dream version of their home. We were taking up a conversation from a previous visit, I remember her welcoming me back and we were very happy to see each other again and we were getting to know each other.

Things like the dirt in the garden were dream like and strange, the dirt was like beads. I felt like the dream had been long and extended but I don't remember any details. I also remembered that this was the second night in a row that I dreamed about her. The only thing I remembered about last night's dream was that she was kissing me goodnight like you would kiss a baby.

Tonight I again became very resentful with Christie. We were having a discussion and it began to escalate into an argument. I was resentful of the way she communicates. I think I might be the one with the communication. It doesn't matter though, all that is important is that I was angry, judgemental and unforgiving.

Right after our disagreement a guy came to the door selling newspaper subscriptions. I was rude and sorry to him. I didn't treat him with the dignity a human being deserves. I know he would have taken advantage of my kindness if I would have spoken nicely to him. But I must persevere to be kind anyway. I know it is possible to do so and still let him know I don't take solicitations at the door. God, please forgive me. Thy will be done.

Today I had to take calls all day with Evan out on vacation. God blessed me with resourceful thinking and conversational ability. Things went better than expected.

Tonight I went to the store to cash in some coins. As I was doing that I got a tap on the back, it was Cassandra my ex-coworker. I was soo embarrased. But I sucked it up and humbly talked to her about how things are going. It was good to see she is doing well.

I was happy to be able to speak to her with a light spirit and know that I have been blessed with a great family and a wonderful wife. Even though I was embarrased to be broke monetarily I know that God has blessed me with a life that you can't buy.

Tonight I find myself resentful of another person. I have to listen to what sounds like a person struggling to wrest satisfaction out of others if they would just behave right. I feel forced to have to listen. Maybe this is the cross I have to bear. Maybe this is me being self-righteous and judgemental. Maybe I see in her what I don't like about myself.

I will take refuge in the Lord.

This morning it was very rainy and I was late to work. I did a small thing different than I might have in the past. I called in to let them know I would be late. This may not seem like a big deal but I have been irresponsible all my life and I like to note when that changes.

Today I found out that Dave's son Ceasar was killed in an automobile accident. I talked to Rudy about it on the way home and he said Dave and Norma were headed home so I went by to see them and offer some condolences. I felt awkward and never know what to say in these situations but I was grateful that God gives me such great friends today and that he carries me through my doubts so that I can be a good friend too. I feel terrible for them and I am only reassured by God's word and by the times I spoke to Ceasar about his faith.

Tonight I got to go to my first Bible study ever. It was very small and no one there was a scholar but everyone has a lot of faith. I look forward to the next five weeks of study. We read a Psalm and the Gospel.

I was inspired to "...take refuge in the Lord".

This morning Christie was too sick to go to church. When she decided not to go we had a disagreement about whether I should take Ivan. When she first spoke about it she presumed I would be taking him. I presumed he would be staying home. Somewhere in there one of us talked angrily to the other and we both ended up griping at each other. > resentful

I realized that I hadn't necessarily made a decision either way about it yet. A short time later I thought some more about it and decided to take him.

As I thought about our argument I realized that we argued because of the way we speak to each other and presume things.

At mass Fr. Barry was ill with his diabetes and had to go to the hospital. Deacon John had to fill in. The gospel was from Luke about "Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple."

I thought about what this means for me, that my cross is to persevere to be patient and forgiving and loving to Christie and to keep trying to treat her more respectfully even though it goes against my nature.

We were kind to each other when I got home.

Today when I was getting ready for the area mtg. I was resentful at Christie and was kinda short with her. I was resentul that she went in the morning to look at a van and I had to rush to get ready for the meeting. I had plenty of time to prepare before.

At the area meeting I found myself getting apprehensive and a little nervous to speak. I had to pray for serenity and it worked. The meeting was good and it felt good to be of service. I also noticed that it's been a while now since we had any of those argumentative or confrontational meetings. Some people have changed and some people aren't around anymore. Whatever the case is we are working together better now and it is beginning to be something that people might feel attracted to do.

Tonight Christie went to look at another van and I again was a little resentful that I didn't get to go to a meeting. I was also resentful that the house wasn't cleaned up to my liking. I thought about the reading from Daily Reflections today - "we asked His protection and care with complete abandon. ".

The author spoke of complete abandon in terms of complete surrender. I quit fighting and cleaned up the house and tried to stopped getting angry with the kids.

I felt peace and serenity and was able to work together with Christie.

In the next few weeks things are going to be tight and I might not get to go to meetings as much as I might like. I must be wiling to go wherever God needs me and let him grant me acceptance.

- another "best day ever".

For the past 2 nights I've been too tired to do my review. I don't recall the things I did to get off track but I was just so exhausted each night that I couldn't do it. Perhaps I was still tired from the holiday weekend. In that case it was not wise for me to have gone fishing twice. - selfish

Last night I had a dream that I was drinking. In my dream I was rationalizing having just one beer. I was saying that it wouldn't be a relapse because i didn't get drunk. It was weird to be inside my own head but in such a shift in thinking. I had another dream that I was hanging out with old acquaintances and they were talking to me about getting high and the sexual things they did on their binge.

Tonight I feel a renewed sense of priority for my Evening Review.

Today I was resentful for a short time with Christie when she didn't want to shop for a vehicle my way. Fortunately I had a change of heart and was able to accept that she will do it her way.

When I came home she had a change of heart and was doing what I had suggested.

Today I felt more productive and like I was learning more. And I felt more optimistic.

Al day today I could not shake the idea of doing step work meetings Stepping Stones.

I found out yesterday that the CA mtg. at The Ranch is moving to Tuesday night. I felt sad about this because I won't be able to attend anymore.

Wednesday night I called a guy about the new Bible study at St. Pauls. I was very encouraged by his helpfullness and he sounded kind of enthusiastic.

It's just a few days before my sobriety birthday, I will have 4 years.

Thank God for another "Best Day".

God Always Provides

Tonight I almost went back to writing my thoughts on paper. I thought that maybe doing it electronically might be too much of a distraction. I questioned whether I can make the spiritual connection. But I decided that these writings might be useful n the future to persons who would like to know what a person's evening review looks like.

Today I was tired but my renewed optimism in life made it easy to get up and go.

Today i felt enthusiastic about working to help others find recovery.

I was not resentful.
I was not afraid.
I was not dishonest.

Iwas grateful for my wife, my job and my family.

Last night I wrote that I was afraid to ask my Dad for financial help. At the end of our dinner I told him that we didn't use a check he had given us to pay for Bobby's baseball. He said we should use it to pay a bill or something. I didn't feel right asking him for more. I just accepted that it would be enough and we would find a way to get by. I never asked him and they left.

This morning Christie called me to say that Dad had called and given us substantial financial help.

God always provides.

Labor Day

This morning I went fishing with Bobby and Dad. I tried to be patient with Bobby so that he could have a good time. I got impatient a few times but it wasn't too bad and we all had a great day on the lake. Dad caught a couple of fish and Bobby got to reel a couple in.

At the boat ramp I broke my prop on the hole in the launch and at first I blamed it on Bobby. I apologized to him afterward and reminded myself that the boat is not more important than him. Also I felt a lingering remorse about the broken prop and had to remember that something like that shouldn't affect my contentment. If it is the I am worshipping a false god.

We had a little fajita dinner in the evening with Mom and Dad. We all had a great time but I was afraid to ask my dad to borrow some money. It turned out OK.

Another "Best Day".