This morning I was a little resentful when people aroud me were talking about stuff that they were resentful about.

Today at work I was afraid a few times when I thought I made mistakes. I found that my boss seemed very supportive to me.

I got to go to the noon meeting. We read in step 12 about the spiritual awakening. I felt that my sharing was too mechanical. For me the spiritual awakening was the shift in my core motives, the awareness of the spiritual side of my being, and my new outlook on life.

tonight I took my son to practice and I was upset with my pitching. I have to remember that it's just for fun.

My son made me proud tonight when I heard him explain to another boy what his first communion was all about.

Thanks be to God for my Spiritual Awakening.

This morning in my meditation I received a vision of God more distinctly than usual.

This morning I almost didn't go to work but I asked God for guidance and found the initiative to go. I ended up having a decent day and being ok.

Today I felt the idea that my role as a parent is the most important spiritual vocation that I have and I should spend more time seeking guidance and working at that role.

I got to go to a noon meeting today. As I left, a friend walked out with me and gave me his assurance about something I shared about my childhood. I left grateful for his support but not really thinking I needed it. Then it occured to me that God sent him to me not for me but for my children. That I not minimize the affect of verbal abuse and that I not repeat the behavior.

Tonight my son and I read about the Archangel Michael.

Thanks be to God for Guardian Angels.

THe past two days I've been struggling with a respiratory virus.

Yesterday at noon my son and I were able to play his baseball game.

This morning I was physically worn out and so was my wife. She slept in and when she got up I went back to bed and passed ou hard. I feel terrible that we didn't make it to church but we watched mass on TV. I have to remember that it is a lot of work maintaining the kids when we are ill.

We had another birthday gathering today for my 1 year old daughter. We had a great time despite the fact that we were not feelig well.

I was resentful to my wife for not getting up early. I have to remember that my serenity is not dependent upon her and I need to cut her some slack for being sick. I think that I am clinging to a prolonged resentment.
I have fallen back into fear over my job situation. I must review the fact that my main mission in life is a spiritual one.

Thanks be to God for a great weekend.

Lately I have thought about being a little more systematic about my evening review. I need to make sure and pray first. I need to make sure and find at least one instance of each shortcoming and each attribute. I need to make sure and seek corrective measures.

Today I was selfish when I did not stay focused on work.
Lately the idea of rationalization seems to be in my mind a lot.
I was resentful today with customers for their expectations of me.
This morning I was afraid of not waking up in time for work.

At work I could make it a constructive pursuit to stay focused on work related tasks at all times and staying on top of things.
I could avoid spending a lot of time on low priority tasks and avoid reacting to low priority requests.

Tonight I got to go to City Wide Sobriety Birthday Night in CA. It was a small group but it was enough people to fill our clubhouse. It turned out to be just the right size and I enjoyed everything that everyone had to share.

The only thing I felt bad about was that I forgot to thank God for my sobriety.

Today I got to live a dream again.
Thank you God for keeping me clean and sober today and for the past 5 years.

Today I got extremely busy and my boss suggested I ask for help. I was resentful that everyone expects so much from me. I was afraid that I forgot something critical. I had to seek gratitude, acceptance, and courage.

Today at our noon meeting we read from the story "Acceptance Was The Answer". I realized that the two paragraphs about acceptance draw a parallel between chemical sobriety and emotional sobriety. The paragraphs preceding that all dealt with priorities and denial.

I was sick today but I was grateful to be healthy enough to make it through the day.

I started out "feeling" that going to the noon meeting was execssive again and had a shift in thinking in which I found initiative to go. I was glad that I did because there were few people there and I felt like a contirbutor. I have found this conception of meeting attendance as an endeavor that is thge most important and interesting thing in the world, self control.

I think I forgot that last night I got to speak to an old friend in sobriety at church when I picked up my son from religious ed.

Tonight I found my son's drawing from his church class in which he drew Holy Water, Holy Blood, Holy Bread, and Holy Cross.

Tonight I got to do some service work on my fellowship's area website.

Thanks be to God for a fruitful day.

Yesterday I found myself yelling at my kid and I forgot to write about it last night. I didn't realize that I was yelling at him until he was yelling at me. I must re-assert myself to exercise discipline with him in a systematic way that does not employ yelling.

This morning I walked up to a street corner on my way to work. I saw a homeless man lumbering across the street toward me. He asked me for money and I told him no. He started to walk away but when he saw that I had to stop and wait for traffic he started grumbling at me. I ignored him and then he did something totally unexpected. He poked me in the nose.

I almost punched him but instead I yelled and threatened him. He yelled and cursed at me. Then I had to just stand there waiting for traffic. I was able to walk away without having acted on my violent thoughts. I immediately asked God to save me from being angry. I struggled some for a little while as I felt myself being sucked into violent and vindictive thoughts.

I had to persevere in seeking divine assistance and in exerting my will to seek forgiveness for him. I also had to catch the fact that I wanted to project my anger to all homeless people.

At noon we read my favorite pages about step 11. I had a lot that I wanted to share about the step. Then when my to came we were on the paragraph of the Saint Francis prayer. I read the prayer and was moved to refrain from sharing so as to not detract from the prayer.

I got to stay for the end of the meeting and pick up my 5 year coin. A lady got up before me and picked up a 13 year chip. I got to receive some humility along with my chip

Thanks be to God for everything.

Today at the noon meeting we read out of the story 'Acceptance is the Answer' or 'Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict'.

About Pills
There's no chemical solution for a spiritual problem (or an alcoholic problem, or a thinking problem).
There's no permanent sobriety with a chemical stop-gap.
All chemicals trigger the physical allergy.
All chemicals alter the mind and interfere with the spirit.

Today at work the scare that I had on Friday turned out ok.

Last night I had a bad dream about large animals. This was the same type of dream that I have had before. There was a large animal stalking me inside and outside of a house and I was trying to escape from it and it got me by the hand and mauled it. The animals were bears and when I escaped from one there was another larger, a different color, and more ferocious.

Tonight I enjoyed time with my family. I played mock football with the kids and we rode bikes. My youngest daughter is walking ten steps at a time.

Thanks be to God for a wonderful day.

This morning I was doubtful about making it to mass but I strove to do it and we did. We were on time and in good spirits and I was gratful to be there. More and more I WANT to be there rather than go as a matter of duty.

Today was our yearly talk from the priest about our conduct and protocol in church. my sons did okay today although my oldest broke protocol and went to the bathroom during the Gospel.

During communion I felt a profound sense of contact with the LORD.

I also had a lot of doubt about the party we had schedule in the afternoon. About getting ready in time, about keeping in good spirits,and about whether people would be okay in the heat. It turned out great. We got the house in decent shape, I had fans outside for the heat, there was some shade, the house and the yard looked great, and we got through it with minimal stress.

Thanks be to God for a great weekend.

This morning I found myself getting angry at my wife when we couldn't find some of my son's and my baseball uniforms. I resisted anger and we found everything and made it just on time.

During the game I had to remind myself just to have fun.

Today I had to ask God for help with my fear of my mistakes at work.

In the afternoon I got to help a friend move a couch.

My son played well in his game.

I'm going to sleep.

Thanks be to God for a great day.

Today I was as secure and confident at work as I have been for a long time. Then at the end of the day I caught a major mistake that I made. Fear gripped me immediately. I was able to set it aside and take appropriate action. I may get out of it ok but I must still find willingness to change and ask God to remove it.

Tonight I got to chair our Big Book study meeting.

I picked up my 5 year keytag tonight.

I thought about how I still feel like re-newcomer. I thought about how I couldn't stay sober more than 6 months. Then I completely gave my self to "this simple program" every day and I made a year.

I feel that the emphasis of the keytag is not time. The keytag to me means that the spiritual life has not been a theory, I have lived it... one day at a time, again for 1 more year.

I think the keytag should read "Completely given to Him".

Thanks be to God for his power to restore me to sanity.

Last night as I drifted off to sleep I started to have a using dream. When I woke up this morning I was in a long drawn out dream that my life was a mess. I was apart from my family, I was disowned by my parents, I was living in a halfway house, I didn't have money to eat and I was not ver sober. I remembered walking out of a restaurant where my wife had met me but it felt terrible because we weren't together we were just tending to some business. As we were walking out some of my old friends were on a deck partying and they waived at me but I couldn't join them because my life was a sham. I felt ashamed, despondent, lonely and afraid.

I woke up and realized that it had just been a nightmare. I realized I was back to my real life and I was grateful. As I started my prayers I remembered 5 years ago when something similar happened. I woke up one morning and I had been dreaming about my life. I was going through a routine day. I played and cared for my son. I went to my job and was confident and productive. I was together with my wife at my home in my bed. Then I woke up.

I was in a hotel room and I suddenly felt horrible. I was coming off of a binge and I had used all the dope that I was supposed to sell. I was alone, hungry, sick exhausted, and despondent. I had lost my sobriety and everything good in my life. I couldn't believe this had happened again. I desperately wanted my wife and my son and my old good life.

That morning I woke up from a dream into a nightmare. Today I woke up from a nightmare into a dream.

Today was my 5 year sobriety birthday.

Today I woke up with my wife and my kids in my bed in my home.
Today I went to my job and was free from fear and I was productive.
Today I went to a meeting and read and shared about step 10.
Today I got to pitch in my son's baseball game.
Today I got to have dinner with my parents who gave me a card that said they were proud of me.

Today I love God with all my heart for giving me back my good life.

Thanks be to God for all his grace, love, and blessings.

Today I was afraid of losing my job. I still do not feel secure at work and I keep thinking that the plan is to fire me as soon as it is feasible for them.

I have to place my reliance upon God take care of this problem or take care of my fear.

Last night I woke up in the middle of a vivid using dream. I couldn't remember any details but I know that it was very detailed and intense.

I thought about how I have missed my evening review a few times this week and how I have been entertaining the notion that a review every night is a comittment that I can't live up to and no longer need to.

At noon our meeting was about Step 10. This was another sign to me that this is still a critical step for me to keep my spiritual experience vital.

I thought of step 10 as one of the steps in which I take responsibility for my recovery and I thought of step 10 as spiritual push ups.

Today I was grateful for my children even though attending to their needs stretches the limits of my serenity.

Yesterday I made it to church with the boys even though I was tired and sick feeling. Our Mass was the "Feast of the Exaltation of the Holy Cross". Or homily was about the crosses we all carry. The sermon by Fr.Barron was about the true real significance of the cross.

My wife was sick with the flu and couldn't get out of bed and didn't go to church. At mid-day I felt despondent at having low energy and being stuck at home.

In the afternoon a couple and their son showed up for the party that we cancelled for the hurricane. The visit caught me by surprise and I felt completely unprepared for their visit. However it ended up being the highlight of our day and my wife got out of bed. We spent great time with them and got to have a more personal visit that we would not have otherwise have had. I think it happened just as it was supposed to.

We had a good evening and I made sure to get to bed on time as I plan top do tonight.

I got to go to the noon meeting today.

It was a nice cooler day today and we played Goofy football in the back yard. I watched the begininning of the Dallas and Philly game with the boys before we sent them to bed.

Thanks be to God for a loving fsmily.

Today I got to speak to my cousin in Palestine, TX. right after Hurricane Ike passed over them. I was grateful to get to catch up on things and just to hear him talk.

My wife and I have been short with each other a few times over the past couple of days but we have managed to make amends each time.

I have been overwhelmed as usual a few times but I keep striving to take advantage of these precious years with my kids.

It was a good day.

I am grateful for our well being.

Thanks be to God.

Morning thought:
People learn 5 ways (hold up five fingers):
Listening (& Talking) - Trainer, lecturer, feedback
Reading - Research, study, reference
Seeing - Visuals, composition, descriptive language
Doing - Hands-on, walk-through, focus
Repeating - Continued training, Building on foundation, gradual loading of information

Today I had a good day at work. I feel like my "brand" is steadily being repaired. I feel like I am finally making the skills advancement that I need to be able to focus on relationship building. It was the type of day where anything seems possible.

I got to go to the noon meeting. I felt like a vital part of a sober community. I thought today that the most important way that I can help cultivate the tradition of primary purpose is to stick to the primary purpose myself. There is a time for fraternal correction and it is rare but by sticking to stating it only about my own conduct then I can be most effective.

Today we read from the story "The Perpetual Quest". I noted how in the beginning the author cites several examples of people he knew that died from the disease that were intelligent, prosperous, talented, successful, respected, maybe even famous and lucky in love. Yet they still succumbed to alcoholism. I always believed that alcoholics were people that lacked intelligence, creativity, prosperity, and had to have been damaged.

When it came to sobriety I thought the answer was to become successful and I wouldn't have to drink. I also thought that my solution was to correct my external problems and I would be able to control my drinking.

When all my external efforts failed I accidentally ended up in AA and I learned that something different than my conventional thinking. I learned that AA affected people even when their lives were perfect on the outside. I realized that it was so for me also. I realized the true nature of my disease, that it was a mental disorder that required an internal solution.

This afternoon I addressed the disagreement with my wife. After talking about it and disagreeing we both conceded our contempt and took amends steps. By the evening we were talking about stuff we both care about and having a good time as a couple and a family.

Tonight I give over my fears and my pride and my judgment and I ask God to transfigure my will with His will. I ask God to re-cover me at the core, I ask him to be the point of my point of view.

Thanks be to God for Love and Life.

This morning started rough for me when I woke up feeling emotionally and physically exhausted. I tried to put it aside and I asked God for help. By the time I finished my shower I felt energetic and ready to take on the day.

A few morning thoughts:

The Disease, threefold:
- Body: Physical Allergy, Phenomenon of Craving, Chronic, Progressive, & Fatal
- Mind: Mental Obsession, Mental Blank Spot, Denial, Delusion, No Power of Choice
- Spirit: Spiritual Malady, Dystonia, Dis-order (anxiety, stress, vacancy) & Disconnection

This morning an important person spoke enthusiastically of wishing to be able to rid the world of 5 unworthy persons. I was appalled but had to remind myself that that was me at one time.

By noon I was feeling like my thoughts and motives were in order again. I also felt physically energetic.

The words for the feeling that I was thinking of this weekend are aimlessness and vacancy .

I got to go to the noon meeting and had the following thoughts...
Delusion is the combination of denial and illusion. Denial comes when I look at things through the lens of my fears, desires, and judgement. My vision is limited and distorting.

We read the end of "Me an Alcoholic". I was inspired by two adjacent paragraphs where the writer spoke of his doctor's humble admission and this admission being key to power and courage. I had a sequence of thoughts about the process of admission. I guess the first part of the first step.

I realize that today I was moved by the spirit to think of step one for some reason.

I realized tonight that the vacancy I felt this weekend was from my expectation to always have my way. I am too dependent on my will at some level. I should remember that my primary duty right now is to attend to my kids. I should try and relentlessly cultivate the idea that having these children is a privelege ad that my service to them is a an opportunity.

Thanks be to God for the treasures of heaven.

Yesterday morning I had baseball practice with my son. He was very agile and coordinated. He made good catches and throws and he made good decisions. Our new coach taught us some very good fundmental mechanics and training methods. I was proud of my son's skills but I was most proud that he listened and followed directions.

The rest of the afternoon I spent cleaning and resting and constantly attending to the kids needs. In the afternoon I began to have a sense of futility that I get when I must constantly change direction from what I am thinking and planning. When I am at work I often have to do what I don't WANT to do for a long period of time. But this is worse than that. This is more like not being able to follow any kimd of constructive plan but just being in mental limbo for a long time.

Last night my wife worked the church carnival and I stayed home with the kids. It was an overwhelming amount of work for me and I passed out exhausted late last night without being able to do an evening review. This gave me an idea of what it will be like when she goes to work. I will have to find ways to get things done like starting right after dinner.

Today my wife slept in and none of us made it to church. I made sure to watch the mass on TV and make spiritual communion.

Most of the morning I was exceptionally tired and slept on and off. I also had that same sense of mental vacancy that I had yesterday. It's like I have no sense of direction, initiative, or motivation. I feel as if I am just idling and that I am not getting something done that should I should be doing. During my time awake I was very busy with the kids and housework. I started thinking about the baseball game, yardwork, and party that we have to do next week and I started getting resentful.

I had to pray for God to remove my resentment and I had to realize that I needed to be grateful for beautiful children and a fruitful life.

This evening the cloudiness in my spirits lifted. My brother-in-law visited and the kids played with their uncle. I got to watch a baseball game and a football game and practice with my son.

I am ready to read today's scriptures and go to bed.

Thanks be to God for a fruitful life.

The last two mornings I have had a really hard time waking up and the last two nights I have been exhausted and passed out early. I have felt like my body was trying to get sick at times. The good thing is that I didn't get sick. The other good thing is that I didn't feel tired all day.

I am grateful for good health.

I went to the noon meeting today and the Big Book Study tonight.

Life is good, thanks be to God.

The last two days at work I have been extremely busy and I have been afraid of not keeping up and making mistakes at work. I must try to be grateful that we have lots of work as that keeps me employed and gives me the opportunity to succeed.

Yesterday was my son's first fall baseball practice. We had a great time and I was proud of my son.

Today I got to go to the noon meeting and read "Winner Takes All" again. There was a guy at his first AA meeting.

Monday night a guy asked me to sponsor him. He called me late last night but I was asleep. I tried to visit him at the sally but the attendant was not helpful. I had to accept things as they are and know that he and I will get together in God's time. I left a note and I will try and see him at that meeting soon.

Recently I have had using dreams again but I'm not sure when.

Yesterday I noticed how everyone came in exhausted and beat after the long weekend. I was grateful that I have a healthy lifestyle today and did not feel like they looked.

Thanks be to God for giving me everything I need.

Tonight in our meeting my blind friend brought the following topic:

My friend promised when these things were done I would enter upon a new relationship with my Creator; that I would have the elements of a way of living which answered all my problems.

I remembered a moment this weekend when I was discontent because I had too much to do and not enough time to do it. My wife had errands, my son needed to practice, I needed to do yardwork, my parents were coming to visit, I had service work to do, We had church, I needed to check on work, etc., etc.

I had to stop and have a moment of inventory and a turn over my feelings to God. A few minutes later I found acceptance and was able to be content in the moment. Then I realized that we had a holiday on Monday and I had more time. It was like a miracle. God gave me an extra day and he made everybody else believe it was already on the calendar.

I remember that I didn't do the inventory for a purpose. I simply did it automatically out of the habit of my commitment to work the program. I didn't do it because I thought I was an addict. I didn't do it because I thought I wanted a better life. I just did it. Afterward I was grateful that I no longer was discontent, but I didn't feel a strong association of this action with my disease.

I remembered that lately my mind has been very focused on my life responsibilities and I seem to forget my addiction as something in the distant past. I remembered that I have lots of thoughts of spiritual relationship and growth but not so much about my redemption. I remembered that I had using dreams the past couple of nights.

I am grateful for the good things in my life but I have to remember that these are also the current distractions to my continued recovery. I have to remember that I still suffer from a mental blank spot, just on a different plane. The topic tonight help to vivify why I work the program and live the spiritual life.

Thanks be to God for the elements of a way of living which answers all my problems.