This morning as my son ran out the door to school he asked me to pray with him.

Today I restored a bike that had been thrown out for my son. God provided me with something I wished he could have but could not afford.

Today I shuttled the kids to and from school. Today I played with them in the morning and in the evening.

It was a rainy, cool morning then a sunny, warm afternoon.

This evening I got to go to a meeting. I never got to share but the things people shared and the fellowship I experienced lifted my spirits immensely. Afterwards I did not feel guilty as I sometimes do. Instead I felt like I truly accepted and appreciated the idea that God intended me to show some humility and just to listen tonight.

Later I watched a debate about religion between Christopher Hitchens and Alister McGrath. My faith is taking a great leap forward.

Thanks be to God.

Last night was up late picking up some bulk items.

Early this morning I woke up at about 3 am from a nightmare that my youngest daughter was trapped in a crevice and she was crying out for me but her face was covered by her blankets and her cries were muffled. I woke up startled but was relieved that it was just a dream.

I never did get back to sleep after that and I went ahead and got out of bed at about 4:30 and did some cleaning and reading. I went ahead and ate so that I might sleep. as I was sitting at the table I began hearing occasional cries from one of the children. this is not unusual and they weren't consistent enough for me to check on anyone. Then just as I was about to go to sleep I heard them again this time a little louder. I jumped up to check on them thinking it was my youngest son. He looked uncomfortable so I tucked him in but then I heard the muffled cries from my daughter's room. I darted in there and found my youngest daughter with her leg stuck in an awkward place between the headboard and the wall.

I went back to sleep and had a hard time getting going all morning. Although now that I think about it I did have a very focused prayer time. I found out that my wife would be home because the lady she babysits for was home sick and didn't need her. I never was able to figure out what I should be doing.

In he afternoon I got very busy cleaning a free picnic table I got and then on fixing up a BMX bike for my son. I felt like I was being selfish because I did not help my wife with any of the kid drop-off/pickups or baths. I also felt bad because we weren't able to for to the treatment center across town and speak per our invitation. I hated this but there was nothing we could do as my son had a therapy appointment late in the day. I did get to have a long talk with a guy who is new in sobriety. Now that I think about it I remember a recent conviction that my role is to do one on one work in the trenches rather than speaking engagements in the spotlight. If I truly believe that pleasing God is more important than personal acclaim then I should get just as much of a sense of constructive accomplishment.

Thanks be to God.

This morning in cleanup and preparation for breakfast I had to pray to be a joyful giver. Also this morning I had to pray for a peaceful heart over whether or not we made it to church on time and whether or not we were prepared for the birthday party for the kids. I had to pray to be joyful about my duty to have this party.

I am grateful that God blessed me a with a well focused prayer experience this morning.

I thought this morning about setting up a practice of taking men to step 3 and then providing them with the alternate course of working with another to get through the 3 inventories before step 5.

It has been a very busy day. I had a lot of cleaning to do this morning, then a big breakfast and then a baseball game. At the end of the game I kinda made a mistake and was repeatedly remorseful about it for some time later. I had to work hard to let God help me see that there are a lot of things more important and a lot of things I did right.

This evening I got to talk to a sponsee.

My wife worked all day and I had to take care of the kids. I am exhausted. I realized that I needed to spend some time with my younger son practicing baseball this evening.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I felt very busy but all I did was attend the children and keep up the housecleaning. Now that I think about it I did do a special project of putting out the bulky pickup junk.

I didn't get to speak to anyone in recovery today but I did get and return a call from a sponsee.

This evening my son had baseball practice.

Thanks be to God.

This evening I got to go to a meeting and pick up a 6 year sobriety keytag. I got to see and talk to some of my friends. I heard about a guy who has cancer.

On the way home I heard a story about a man who ran to a collapsed school after an earthquake and dug through the rubble for his 8 year old son. Many people told him it was hopeless and tried to stop him but he kept digging because he made a promise to always come and get hum. When I got home I was grateful to hug my son.

Thanks be to God.

Last night as I was reviewing my day, my wife walked in an interrupted me. My focused got lost and I couldn't go on. I had to resist getting irritated and allow her some latitude.

Yesterday I heard that a friend of mind started his new career that he went to college for. I have to admit that I felt some remorse at my lack of similar accomplishment. My wife helped me see that I have been working on raising a family and that this is the ultimate constructive and rewarding pursuit.

My wife and I have an ongoing disagreement about my son riding his bike home from school. I think he needs to take on that responsibility and she doesn't. I realized today that I got too excited about this too soon and that in my enthusiasm I failed to consider that this needs to be implemented incrementally. In our disagreement I realized that I must not try to manage her feelings about this but just be willing to own my perspective and let her manage her decision.

Today I was motivated to use and manage my electronic calendar. I felt strongly that this is a life changing practice.

This morning I thought alot about how to do the personal inventory. I had a period of clarity in which I realized that the resentment, fear, and sex, inventories should all be the same format with slightly different questions.

When I picked up my oldest son his friends were locked out of their house so they had to stay at ours. At the same time my nephew came to our house as we are helping to pick him up from school now. All of the kids were doing there homework and they overwhelmed me with requests for help. I am grateful for the academic level that my son and nephew are at.

Tonight I tried to go to a meeting but found that the surrounding neighborhood has implemented a no parking zone for blocks around. After driving around for a considerable time I found the only option to be a specific parking lot designated for this a few blocks away near a greenbelt that is a hobo hangout. As I started to get out of my truck I saw my wife's purse in the back seat. I didn't go to the meeting.

I had to resist being resentful, thanks be to God for His help.

Last night I had a bad dream when I first fell asleep. There were steps scurrying around my bed, distant voices that faded in and out, and ripples in my bed. The voices were at times individual trying to seduce me and making demands just behind my head and in my ear. They were sometimes speaking to each other, some were frantic and incessant, others were howling and laughing. It was as if there were a battle going on all around me. Some of the voices were commanding the others. Some were threatening them. Some were frightened.

I woke up afraid and had to pray fervently that the angels, saints, and Holy Mother intercede on my behalf to bring the power of the Holy Spirit.

It was a normal, busy day of home maintenance and shuttling the kids to school and back. I did breakfast and house work in the morning before school and then mowed the lawn at mid-day. At times I was impatient with my daughter who is home recovering from surgery.

I was spiritually resilient and inspired in the morning but became weary in the afternoon.

At noon I took my daughter to a special lunch treat at sonic. I had a burger and she had a shake. I was remorseful about spending money but I had to let it go and allow God to take me and my daughter out for quality time together and amends.

There was a point this afternoon when I became weary and impatient with all the kids. I had to take them all with me to my son's speech therapy and sit for an hour in the waiting room. They were especially unruly. God helped me to recover and endure and to appreciate that my son gets good therapy.

Tonight I got to work with a sponsee.

Thanks be to God.

When I was trying to wake up this morning my mind started to review the baseball game yesterday, the sponsees I need to work with, the home maintenance I need to do, spiritual polemics, etc. I had to bring this to a screeching halt and focus on turning my thoughts to God.

We were late getting up and my wife was not feeling well so only the boys and I went to mass. On the way out the door I bickered with my wife about clutter. I felt stupid for giving in to anger right before I was going to see the Lord. I felt like a hypocrite for griping at her. I had to ask God for help not to be resentful. I think I was already irritable because I had to do breakfast by myself.

The boys were well behaved and I was proud of them when they went to the children's liturgy.

Afterward I got to go to the meeting at the treatment center. The topic was slowing down and putting first things first.

Thanks be to God.

Yesterday morning my son had his first fall baseball game. When we arrived the other coaches weren't there yet but some of the parents and kids were. I saw an opportunity to be helpful and get the boys started but suddenly realized that my son didn't have the belt for his uniform when I saw one of the other boys acquire and loan a belt to another. I had to make a quick decision to run home and get the belt. On the way out I saw that one boy didn't have pants and a belt so inspired by the kid that loaned a belt to the other I brought the pants and sure enough the boy needed them.

I was a little hesitant as to what extent I should help out. I didn't want to step on the toes of the guys who have made a legitimate commitment. Considering that these boys are mostly new and that we only had 2 practices with no pitching and weren't prepared for the base stealing the boys did pretty darn good. I am especially grateful for the coaches that we have because they are very knowledgeable and effective communicators. I was also grateful for my mom for watching the children.

In the afternoon my wife had to work so I stayed home with the kids. I got to visit with my parents in the afternoon.

In the evening it got very busy but I had a great time watching a football game with the kids.

Thanks be to God.

Yesterday we had baseball practice and were late getting to bed and I didn't get to do a review. I had a lot to write about but was so busy today that I never was able to get to it.

Today was my birthday and my sobriety anniversary. I am grateful for all the great things God has done for me in my life.

This evening my son had baseball practice and I my wife was a little let getting home so I had to eat dinner after practice. This made for a late evening so I am only writing a brief review though I have a lot to write about.

The most profound part of this day was the scripture readings in the mass. The first reading from Timothy was encouragement to carry the religious teaching of Jesus Christ and of how anyone carrying a different message is conceited and understands nothing and about how they presume religion to be about material gain. It also talked about placing my contentment in the gain of the spirit rather than the material. The last paragraph is an exultation to pursue the life of virtue and to compete well for the faith. Finally ending by referring back to the time when we first gave testimony in the presence of others.

The Psalm was "Blessed the poor in spirit; the Kingdom of heaven is theirs!". This to me eluded back to that original admission of powerlessness and the gain of contentment from faith.

Lastly the Gospel reading was among the shortest I've ever seen. It simply states that Jesus went from town to town preaching with the 12 and that some women who had been cured of various infirmities and vices went with them. The way that this spoke to me was in reference to carrying the message in the 12 step fellowship and of also taking the message of my deliverance from my other defects of character with me.

I had a great day with my family and my wife and fellows.

Thanks be to God for 6 years of sobriety and a Spiritual Awakening!

Today I felt considerably better for the first half of the day. In the morning a friend called and we talked about our spiritual reflection for the day. In doing so I admitted more effectively that I had been resentful at the guys I talk to for keeping me too preoccupied with intensive work with others(the grunt work) and for my wife for interfering with my reflective spiritual work (the escapist type). I recalled the Gospel reading from this Sunday that stated that faith with without works was dead but paradoxically that works without faith would not lead to salvation.

I find it very synchronous that the Gospel would remind me that faith without works is dead in the week of my sobriety birthday. I suppose this is a reminder that the behind the scenes work with others is critical for my spiritual awakening to remain vital. I believe that the message about works without faith is that I should not place the spiritual work that pleases me ahead of my responsibilities to others. For me this means what Fr. Barry said 2 weeks ago that I must not confuse my worship with the means rather than the end. That I must not overvalue the work so much that I hold it in higher worth than the ends which is God's will.

Today I asserted my will over my wife to go to a meeting in the afternoon. I was strangely unable to focus my thoughts into a concise share on a familiar topic. Tonight I had to turn down a highly visible speaking engagement and was resentful to my wife for not supporting me in this. Now I realize that I have been able to make that fellowship connection and personal inventory through the time I spend talking to others. But, I like sharing at meetings, blogging my inventory, and speaking engagements because they feed my ego. God needs me to do the work He determines which is to work individually with addicts and to be a good father and husband.

I feel at peace now.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up very sick again but I took a deep nap and woke up re-invigorated.

I got to talk to several sponsees today and they helped me achieve conscious contact and to be grateful. As I talked one guy through a relationship issue it resonated with me with my wife.

Last night I watched a program about soldiers returning from the war and problems with addiction. This is going to be a big task in the 12 step fellowships.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Monday evening my wife asked me to help her with her homework because it was critical for her to pass her test. She had asked me for this earlier in the day but it was impossible to get to between all of our child and home maintenance tasks. This was just as I was about to do my evening review.

As it was I didn't review the night before and I lacked focus in morning prayer because of being sick the past few days. But, I did do a catch up review Monday for Sunday and I thought about keeping the Ends (God) above the means (spiritual tasks) in perspective in my relationship with Him so I went ahead and helped her.

Looking back at this I believe I need to have a talk with her about the importance of these activities and keeping things in perspective. I need to make sure she is still convinced that I must pursue the course of action outlined in the 12 steps. I don't see her doing these activities herself so her actions seem to show that she doesn't hold these in priority for herself.

My wife called me this morning and said that she got a 102 on her test and she thanked me. This just verified what I thought. It wasn't a matter of what she needed (which is to pass) but rather what she wants (which is to score a 100+). So it is with me, I want to have job security, I want to have a degree so I can be authoritative at my job, I want to be the primary breadwinner so I can have a tidy life, I want to be able to give my children all the opportunities possible in all their endeavors. But, God has plans for me that require me to set aside what I think I need. God needs me to accept whatever place I am at in life and make the most of it. God needs me to stay connected to him and to help others do the same above all else. If I do this well then he provides the things that I need.

That being said it is an interesting coincidence that today is the date that she recognizes as her program start date and my sobriety date is later this week.

Yesterday I again felt the depression that comes with being sick. I got to talk to someone about it yesterday and this morning I spoke to a sponsee who had this problem himself yesterday. I explained how this is part of the rhythm of life that trials and low spots are going to come. It occurred to me that I have this idea that if I don't make any problems then I won't have any low spots. I see that this is not so. But, I see these as reasons to keep up my spiritual fitness activities and I see them as opportunities to put them into practice.

Yesterday I kept up the house and meals but I was sleeping much of the day. I did get to speak to 2 sponsees but I wasn't able to make a meeting.

I am grateful that I am in a position to be able to allow my body to recover and still do some spiritual work.

Thanks be to God.

This Sunday I woke up with a pretty serious case of rhino virus. I didn't make it to church and I was in bed most of the day. The predominant feeling I had all day was guilt. I recognized that once again that my mind associates down time with using.

I regretted that I didn't get to make a meeting and that my wife had to carry the load and that we didn't to get the kids out of the house. But I am grateful that I get to rest and get better and that my wife was supportive.

I remembered that I had a pretty serious using dream on Friday night.

I got to watch a program that was about Albert Einstein and his failure to complete a General Theory of Everything which would supersede the mutual exclusivity of General Relativity and Quantum Mechanics. The documentary posited the idea that Einstein was stuck in his ideas because he was stuck on looking into the mind of God.

Einstein did not like a theory that included the uncertainty principle and he wanted theory that made anything in the universe predictable by computation thus in his mind showing a design. It doesn't seem to me that this is a requirement for evidence of divine construction so I wondered how his religious views differed from mine.

I looked into his religious beliefs and found that he believed in a God that created everything but didn't concern Himself with the affairs of man. This idea is very familiar to me because it is the view that I held before I surrendered to a more humble and open minded approach. When I look back at this I see that this idea came out of my desire to do whatever I wanted. Here I thought I had a higher thinker's approach but really it was my basic instincts driving desires that were blinding me. Perhaps this is what blinded him.

Today I spent most of the day inside as we had heavy rain all morning and I was home alone with the kids while my wife went to yoga class. We tried to go to our parish fair but it started raining when we got there so we had to leave. My mid afternoon we were stir crazy. The rain let up and we all went again. We had a good little time and I was glad that we got to be a part of our church.

I am coming down with a cold that is making me feel very tired.

I got to go to the meeting for a little while tonight. My son and I went to the fair at the end and helped break down.

Life is good, thanks be to God.

This morning I went to our church and helped set up tents and tables for our parish fair. I had a moment at breakfast where I remembered about the set up and I got reluctant to give up my time and effort. I thought about how I hadn't made a commitment to anyone so I could just not show and no one would care.

It ended up being a great experience of fellowship and constructive recreation. I got to know some people a little better and I felt like a contributor. One of our priests thanked me and I was grateful for the opportunity to serve. I often pray to be ready to serve God and today was one of those times when I was able to do so in a more physical sense.

The best part of the experience was getting to spend some time talking to a guy from Mexico who is having a difficult life but has recently returned to the church and is finding some hope. I tried to encourage him and let him know that I am having the same experience and will include him in my prayers. This afternoon when explaining our blessings to one of my kids I told them about him. This evening when saying prayers with my daughters we prayed for Benjamin.

I spoke to one of the guys I recently started working with and he conveyed to me the blessings that are occurring in his life. I felt bad that I couldn't get together to do his third step today but was grateful that he is getting to go to a convention this weekend with several guys including my sponsor. I realized that it is all going according to God's plan.

This afternoon my son and I took a bike ride with his friends. All went well until my son didn't like one of my directions and decided to ride off by himself. It was odd to just let him go. Then when I got home with the other boys my son (still on his bike) refused to go inside. It again felt odd not to fly into anger or pleading but just repeat my directions and inform him of consequences. When he finally did come in he repeatedly did not follow directions and ignored his punishment.

At this point I did get a little angry but again felt odd. I felt like I wasn't sure if I should be giving him punishment because I wasn't sure he did anything so wrong. I guess I am so dependent upon gauging the severity of misbehavior by how mad I got.

It was really hard to hear the desperation in his cries as his consequences mounted up on him. But, I had to persevere and know that it was in his best interest and I do it out of love. I had a good talk with him afterward and got the opportunity to share this with him. Later the TV was on and the parenting expert whose methods I am employing was on a rare appearance. I received affirmation.

Thanks be to God for this day.

I was thinking about meditation this morning. I was asked what it means the other night and I responded that it means focused thinking and planning about spiritual matters as well as as a psychic fitness activity. I thought about how I often blog my thoughts about spiritual matters. I realized that I should do this a little more deliberately and teach it that way. It should be based on either a daily devotional and include a focus on corrective measures.

This morning the readings from the mass were about practicing forgiveness. The Gospel reading was the "turn the other cheek" account. This morning I remembered almost every time to resist griping at anyone and to simply stick to the disciplinary plan of cause and effect consequences.

I got to do step work again with someone today.
I got to spend lunch with my two middle children today at their lunch with dad event.


In the afternoon I forgot to pick up my daughter. I was deeply embarrassed when the program director called me and I was afraid they would think I was deeply irresponsible or negligent. When I got there they were very understanding and we had a good laugh and talked. But, there was this moment when I was standing in the office and I felt the old fear of whether they would smell pot, or alcohol, or otherwise sense that I was up to no good. I was grateful to have a clear conscience today and be able to look people in the eye.

Tonight I got to go to a meeting. The topic was how one addict working with another is the means by which one actualizes faith. I thought about how I became aware of the true nature of my addiction insanity when I first started going to twelve step meetings. I realized that I felt the effect of drugs more powerfully, that I obsessed over them to the extent that it affected my judgement gravely. So much so that I was living an astonishingly disordered life. Somehow these people had been able to get through to me where so many others had not been able to. I realized that many people had told me the same thing but I just never had been able to hear it from them. Even though I didn't forget or even consciously dismiss what they said, I just couldn't comprehend it effectively enough to seek recovery.

When I heard it from the people in meetings it occured to me that I had know what they were saying about the disease concept all along. But, while I KNEW it I couldn't GET it. Somehow these people had connected to something within me. They had touched that intuitive part of the consciousness within me that is the place where inspiration occurs, that sort of chakra or thought center that is the mind's eye. Thus I became willing to seek recovery with the necessary open mindedness.

I believe they had made a spiritual connection with me. That is why I need to continue to work with others because it is the means by which I get to tap in to and be a conduit for the spiritual power source.

We had a nice rainy cool day again.

Thanks be to God.

I am grateful for rain and a cooler day. I unexpectedly got to work a first step with someone today. It was eye opening to be taken back to powerlessness.

I read about chakras today and particularly about the third eye. I am thinking about the the mind's eye. The guy I was working with has been reading the AA Big Book and remarked about how much things he has read before seem different. He said the same happens with the bible. He asked why? I think it is spiritual illumination, filiosis, connection to God that opens the mind's eye, the eye of the spirit.

Today I thought about how many times I have fear and have to turn to God to relieve them. I felt an awareness of just how much I was driven by fear.

I got to go on a bike ride this evening with my son. There was a moment when the sun was setting and we were riding fast down a long drive and into an open space in the park and I felt like it was the image of a recovered life.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I ran an errand to the Parks and Rec office near Lady Bird Lake. I took a walk on the trail and over to the ball fields where I played when I was a boy. It felt like I was back their in that time, it was a great spiritual recharge. I got to fix my bike and take a ride around 10:00 am.

Today I had another sort of "on" day in my latest series of on again off again days. I just went from one task to the next felt like I was accomplishing things all day. I got started fixing the fence. I am grateful to my wife for getting me started with a honey-do first thing.

I got to spend focused time with my youngest daughter in the shade trees this morning. I got to throw footballs with my oldest son and his pals.

Today I thought about the meeting the other night in which I was disappointed that I did not speak. I realized that it gave me a chance to listen and learn because it kept me thinking about the topic of fear of surrender. I thought about the reading on fear in which it says that all men of faith have courage. I thought about how it also states that we never be afraid to talk about faith. I wondered if this was a place where the writer got sidetracked to a similar idea. I know it has been my experience that it takes a lot of strength, initiative, and will power to set aside my will and surrender to God's will.

In the evening I got to do step work with a guy and go to a meeting.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I felt spiritually drained. I wonder if it has to do with the intensive work that I did with guys yesterday.

I had weird dreams last night. The dream scenes were all parties with drinking and drugs but all my partying friends were cartoonish animals. I felt like I was on an X rated version of HR Puff-n-stuff.

My wife was out all morning so I felt like I wasn't able to anything but serve the kids. My mom and dad came to visit and I got the house clean just before they got here.

In the afternoon we threw some passes in the circle.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we got off to a great start with cornmeal pancakes. I think the gluten free meal really helps me to have a clear mind and to dispell the sense of aimlessness that I sometimes get.

We all got to mass on time and in good spirits. As the time came to go and we were close to being late and my anxiety began to rise I remembered to practice acceptance again and it worked. As the mass began they announced the liturgy of the word for children and the two boys elected to go. Then my wife made a rash decision to take my oldest daughter. From the moment they left through the second reading my youngest daughter cried at the top of her lungs. I quickly descended into a brainstorm of anger at my wife even though I was conscious of it and attempting to resist. The daughter never stopped and I had to get up and walk out with her. But, we encountered my wife and I had to turn around and take a humiliating walk back to my seat. I had to use all the willpower I could muster up for the next 10 minutes to turn it over to God and to make peace with my wife. I actually took a 4th step look at this during this time. It passed fully by the time we came to the sign of peace in the mass.

Who - Christie
Why was I mad - She left with the kids and the baby cried at the top of her lungs for 10 minutes.
What part of self was affected - pride, personal relations
My Part - I could have gotten up sooner, I could have not worried about what people think so much.
Fear - I was afraid of what people thought of me.

The rest of the day was a great little relaxing day at home. I was busy tending to the kid's and our home needs all day while my wife ran errands but I felt constructive and content.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting. I never got to share on the topic which is just as well because I would have sounded like a broken record. It was an interesting topic and several people were cross talking.

I got to do step work with guys before and after the meeting.

Thanks be to God.

This morning was grateful to be able to sleep in a bit. When I prayed I remembered that yesterday morning Thinking the most precise words that have ever come to me in morning prayer. But, this morning my thoughts were groggy and I could barely get through them. I was grateful to see the parable of the 3 talents and hear the songs on The Friar with my kids.

I got the kids to play outside all morning. I had a talk with them early about following directions and I applied consistent discipline all day instead of pleading. But, I still griped a few too many times. I resolve not to gripe tomorrow.

I did some much needed yard work in the storage part of the back yard.
I cooked lunch and dinner.
I repaired bike tires.
I got to practice baseball with my son and watch the astros.
I forgot to return a couple of calls.

It was a good day, thanks be to God.

This morning we got off to a good start and my wife was less mad at me. She had a flat tire at the grocery store so I had the opportunity to help her by going to change the tire for her. I was keen on that and it had the potential to really mess up my plans as I was supposed to meet up with a sponsee to do a fifth step. Nevertheless I resisted irritability and and realized that I was only a few dozen feet away from an air pump and 2 blocks away from the tire store where she bought them. I drove carefully to it and filled up the tire and drove to the tire store and dropped off the van.

This did interfere with my appointment but when I called the guy he had decided to go look for a job instead of doing the step work. Amazing how God has these thinks all worked out.

I listened to a well known speaker this morning, I was renewed in my enthusiasm to carry the clear cut message in meetings.

When or van was done I deliberated over whether or not to take my truck back to inspection because the engine light was back on. But I thought that maybe the reason for it to be on was not a failable error. I really didn't believe this and was further discouraged because it was the last day, but I prayed for God to help me in my decision and remembered that God could come up with something I might not even think of. Sure enough the reason the light was on was because the misfire was back. The technician then said that he would extend my time to get it corrected - Thanks be to God!

I went to the shop where it was fixed and got to talk several friends in the program and to my sponsor. Afterward I went to a meeting with one of those friends.

At the meeting I asked the lady if I was there at the right time. She answered, "yes do you want to chair?". I immediately said no and my conscience told me that I should have said yes. Just before the meeting I was reading about the spiritual experience. When the lady started up she asked if anyone would like to suggest a topic. My conscience told me that I should speak up but I did not. She chose the topic to be tradition 9. The meeting was a bit of a train wreck. My friend tried to share the solution and I tried to relate the tradition to the solution but the meeting had already degenrated into polemics about authority and a debate about singleness of purpose. Afterward I thought about how I should always be ready with a topic about the solution to alcoholism and will never turn down any opportunities to bring it. I also thought that it was no coincidence that I had randomly started reading about the spiritual experience.

This evening I got to throw passes with my son in the circle.
Thanks be to God.

This morning my wife got very angry with me again because I didn't get the kids up as early as she wanted me to. Several times my thoughts wanted to swirl into motion and whip up a counter attack but I had to resist and surrender.

I got to talk to 2 sponsees in the program. I got to get many tasks and daily maintenance done for my family.

I got to go to a meeting tonight. The topic was surrender.

Thanks be to God.

This morning my wife got angry because I didn't get the kids up by 6:30. The kids were ready by 6:50 which was 25 minutes before they needed to leave. Later in the morning she griped at me about it and I argued back. I didn't get too angry but I had to be assertive. I had to resist being resentful and leave things be once I had stated my point of view once. I had to let go of any desire for her to be convinced of my way.

It was a good day but I felt aimless again even though I did home maintenance tasks.

Two guys from the twelve step fellowship called but I wasn't able to talk to them as I was busy with the family.

Today I thought about Jesus' authority from today's scripture readings. The sermons I read spoke of his deep confidence in the truth of what he spoke but the thing that gets me is that we cannot fully comprehend just how astonishing his prophecy must have been because he spoke with the sort of mastery of revelation that exceeded the priest and scribes. Only teachers of the highest order had this sort of insight and only after a lifetime of learning and preaching. And Jesus didn't come from the learned class of people.

This evening the whole family took a drive scouting a location for a birthday party. I enjoyed the time in conversation with my wife

Tonight my wife got angry with me because I didn't agree with a punishment for my son because he went around the block to a friends house and because he was talking to me before bed. I had to agree to disagree.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I thought some about an idea that I have never quite been able to express in a concise manner. It is the method at which contemporary society approaches the problems in the world and the moral values that it prioritizes. Today's society holds that global warming, social injustice, geo political conflicts, economics, and governmental philosophies are the most important issues in the world and that everyone must devote all their energies become galvanized to solve these issues.

There is no doubt that solving these issues is important but I believe the solution to these problems is not to change the world but to change the man.

I believe that people would do better to focus on the means rather than the ends. The problem with all these issues is the short sighted decisions that people make that cumulatively add up to these crises. The problem is that people don't have self-control and higher vision. If the hearts of men were changed then these issues would be solved by attrition.

People are putting the ends before the means.

The means is a process of personal self-control of the basic instincts that lead to values and belief systems.

If this were the primary issue to which society devoted all of it's energies then the world's problems would disappear.

Today I felt aimless at times.

In the morning I got to spend some quiet time with my daughter outside.

It was somewhat cool again.

Thanks be to God.