I had a busy but deeply rewarding weekend, attending 2 scrimmages for my sons in baseball, participating in an event at my 12 step home group, watching the Olympics with the family, going to church, and having a dinner with my parents, brother, and sister visiting.  

I did my evening review last night verbally with my son and then passed out.

Tonight I had to meet deadlines to get in 2 assignments.

I will say that this morning I was moved to tears during mass over a small observation that opened a flood of gratitude for the love that God has freely given to me.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I thought about some simple ways to describe the 12 step program.  It is a program to overcome and change my distorted thinking.   In it's goals it is very much like therapy or CBT but it differs in that it is a simpler form that uses the power of credibility that comes from the fellowship of recovered addicts.   It also utilizes a Higher Power that helps to overcome the infinite rationalizer in us all. 

I had to stop and look at the order of priority of the things that I wanted to do today and rethink what s truly important starting with the obligatory.

     This Thursday I ran a lot of errands and I discovered all the great organizational tools in my new phone.  I realized that I will be able to cut the chord with two applications and be consolidated in one.  This means that I can get reminders to avoid missing the things that I have been.

     I got to see my sponsor briefly again today.  I went and picked up the swingset that was at his business since my truck broke down in January when I picked ti up.  I was finally able to get it to the 12 step club.

     I thought some more about the snowstorm and the scripture reading and it occured to me that it is about patience, perseverence, and the scope of God's unlimited vision compared to my limited perception.

     I got to have a conversation with a friend in the program.

     In the evening we had a great baseball practice.

    Thanks be to God.

This morning I again woke up early, probably due to the moon phase.

I thought a lot today about think, think, think.

My thoughts and prayers were with Mark Houston and the impact he made on my life.

     This morning when I woke up to the alarm my mind came to a decision about a task at hand for spring baseball.  I realized that in my pre-waking moments my mind had started working to manage the tasks in my life.  Later in the morning in thinking about this it occurred to me that I have a hyper-tasking mind..

     I must be entering a good moon cycle because I had focused and effective prayer and woke up energized.  Thanks be to God. 

I had a couple of constructive thoughts this morning. 

    First I thought about the step 2 reflections that I would like to write.  I thought about how the first would be a summary of the step as listed.   Then I would reflect on each phrase sequentially grouped at the beginning, middle, and end of the month.  Then I would select various quotations and key concepts and sort them according to which phrase they correlate best with in the days in between.  I started by reflecting on "We came to believe...".  I will place my thoughts on this in the scs blog.

     The second thing I thought about was in relation to sponsorship, specifically the introduction.   I thought that there are 3 A's that I could use as a mnemonic to call to mind what to tell them.  AAA - being sponsored is about attitude, accountability, and action.   The attitude is the HOW of recovery, the sponsee should be informed that Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness are the keys to being successful and he should place all his will power and efforts to maintain or seek this attitude.  The accountability is making the daily phone calls to the sponsor and to another addict.  The Action is to do the reading and writing assignments and to meet again with the sponsor.

This morning I stood alone outside, and watched, and listened, to a deluge of large snowflakes flurrying down from the heavens all about me.  I was grateful for the moment and felt the presence of the Spirit somehow trying to tell me something.   I thanked God for my life in this world.

I got to watch my kids throw snowballs at each other this afternoon.
I was able to get an assignment done today.

Somehow at some level today I sense that my willingness has diminished.

This evening I go to go to a meeting and was content to just listen.   I had a lot to say, too much, but the others said enough. 

I was thankful to be able to comfort my son who was afraid to sleep alone.  I thought of the sound of fear in his cry and I realized my own.  I sought to fully admit it and I said to God, "I am afraid, I am afraid" over and over.  In doing so I somehow believe my willingness will be renewed. Sleep came and I had nightmares but was not afraid. I woke up and they were gone.

Thanks be to God.

Post Script - After writing this evening's review I remembered that I was inspired somehow by today's mass reading but I couldn't remember how, so I reread it.  It was the first reading from Isaah:

Thus says the LORD:
Just as from the heavens
the rain and snow come down
And do not return there
till they have watered the earth,
making it fertile and fruitful,
Giving seed to the one who sows
and bread to the one who eats,
So shall my word be
that goes forth from my mouth;
It shall not return to me void,
but shall do my will,
achieving the end for which I sent it.

I was amazed at the synchronicity with the moment during the snowstorm when I sensed the presence of the Spirit.  After I went to bed I thought some more about the snowstorm and realized that all day and at that moment I was seeing the image of the snowflakes falling all around me in my mind.  It was like when you come from an all day boating trip and you can still feel the rocking of the boat. 

I thought about looking up seeing the huge flakes silhouetted against the sky at multiple levels coming down by the thousands.  They looked like legions of angels descending in an assault in the spiritual battle.   As I looked down the street and saw all the different size and clumps of white sparkling flakes against the backdrop of the trees and homes they looked like treasures from heaven pouring down all about me.

Perhaps God was telling me to persevere and know that He is providing me with abundance even when I can't see it.

I am thankful that I got to get my assignment done by the deadline today.

I had to apply some discipline with my oldest son this afternoon and we had a few difficult moments.  But he came through and changed his attitude for which I am grateful.

This afternoon I got my youngest son to make his practice throws.  I got frustrated because my other kids were being distracting and my son (the autistic one) was having episodic symptoms.

Tonight I got to go to a meeting and see some of my friends.  It was a speaker meeting and I really identified with the speaker.  I was disappointed that I didn't get to speak to him afterward. 

Thanks be to God.

Today was a good day, we made it to mass and everyone was relatively good.  I got to have a great practice with my son and we got to have lunch together afterward.

I got to talk to a friend from my group briefly today.

I reviewed my conduct with my sons when we said prayers.

Thanks be to God.

Tonight I had a good talk with my son about his conduct.

This morning I woke up early and got off to a great start.  after taking the kids to school I got focused on my research paper and by noon had a rough draft that meets the word count.  I am in better shape but was still afraid because I haven't done any work for the rest of my class assignments for the week.

I had a thought today that the first step might be about truth rather than honesty.  People used to tell me that I needed to get honest and I thought that I was.  But honesty is subjective.  Truth is concrete.  Honesty is an act, truth is a gift.  

The rest of the afternoon I did my child care tasks and practiced baseball with my son.  I kept putting off any further work to do other things.

I got to go to a meeting tonight.  On the way there I got stuck in a dilemma over which meeting to go to, the one with little support, or the big one where I only see those people once a week.  It was hard to make the decision and I physically changed direction several times but I eventually decided to go to the big one because of my limited availability to go make meetings.

The topic was finding balance between the program and other life tasks.  I found out that this meeting has set a 3 minute limit and I never was able to narrow down what I had to say concisely enough for the limit.  Plus a lot of other people had good things to say.  I would say that I got to try and carry the message in conversation and presence at the meeting.

In the evening I got to have a good talk with my son about managing his feelings by reviewing them and being mindful of this in prayer.

I heard of the death of one of my mentors Mark Houston tonight.  I regret that I never got to know him personally.  I feel like I know only few people who embrace the twelve step discipline and it helps me when I meet another.  I should keep this in mind about those who have not passed.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I was exceptionally tired and woke up late.  I was grateful that my wife was able to get going and get the kids to school. I resolved to get to bed early tonight.

I worked some on my research paper but am worried that I am not making enough progress.  I am worried that I am not getting anything done in my other classes. I resolve to buckle down tomorrow.

It was weird to watch the news about the guy who flew into the building today.  As I learned about the story I began to theorize that this was no exceptionally deranged man.  That he was your run of the mill anger management problem. 

Tonight we had our first little league practice.  I was worried today about the time management issue.  After talking to my friend the coach I believe it is going to be ok.

Thanks be to God.

This Tuesday I spent the morning working on a research paper and then was occupied with kid duty in the afternoon.

At school pickup time  I couldn't find my keys and I thought that my wife had forgotten to give them to me.  I had to deliberately resist getting angry.  I had to pray in order to do this effectively.  This gave me the wherewithal to take the needed actions to call my wife several times and to call my mom to pick them up.  It turned out that the keys were at home and I found them just in time.  I rushed out the door and called my mom on the way out.   I made it in time to pick up the kids but realized later when my wife came home that I had forgotten to tell her.  She got very mad at me and said some rude things.  I had to resist anger and pray hard and apologize for my part.

I thought a lot this day about the lack of reflection on step 2 in the Daily Reflections book.  I thought again of my desire to write my own set of reflections.  

I got to talk to a sponsee today for about an hour.  I was grateful for the opportunity even though there doesn't appear to be an active commitment to the program.

I learned that my son was picked by a highly competitive coach on a very good team that we used to play with.  I was happy for my son but also a little worried about the expectations for my son.  I am also worried about the conflict with my moral philosophy of competition.   I resolved to set this aside and join my son in basking in the joy of the moment.  We went shopping for gear in the evening and that set me way back at bedtime.  I didn't get to do my evening review.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I got angry when I was trying to do homework and constantly got interrupted and then my wife called and then texted me that it was not important.  I started to call her and tell off my wife but I caught myself.  I prayed for God to save me from being angry and for me to accept that His will be done.  I calmed down quickly and returned to sanity.  I called her back with a helpful attitude.

I managed to get an assignment done and attend to my duties in care of the children.

Today I suddenly had a thought out of nowhere that I was grateful not to be jonesing, tweaking, craving, paranoid, or dying inside. 

This evening I got to go to a meeting.  The topic was controversial to me because it addressed an issue that is not explicitly covered in the text.  I believed it was the sort of thing that should be kept outside of the meeting between sponsor and sponsee and appropriate counsel.  The sharing deteriorated to people relating their experiences with taking prescription drugs and their hard line stances on matters.   I believe that I have an appropriate perspective that I could have shared but I hadn't thought it through in time to share.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I was awaken again by my daughter crying out "daddy I want you!"  I was very tired and sore but I stumbled out of bed and went to get her.  We went back to sleep.  Nevertheless, we made it to mass, albeit late.  I was grateful that we are so timely most days that we could be late once and not feel guilty.  There was a special period during the mass when couples that are celebrating anniversaries of multiples of 5 this year were called to the front.  My wife and I shared a moment of serenity during the blessing despite not being able to go due to the kids. When I entered the communion line the usher gave me a nod and a hand on the back which gave me a sense of inclusion in the family of our parish.  The homily of our priest really moved me with his observation that marriage is a reflection of the relationship between Christ and the church.  This got me thinking that marriage is actually the most important vocation and central to the family of the church.  He also spoke about the meaning of the beatitude "Blessed be the poor of spirit..." He talked about how it is critical for the Christian to realized that he is poor of spirit in order to be able to receive the Lord.  I thought of this in comparison to admitting powerlessness and unmanageability.

I looked back at tryouts yesterday with a great deal of gratitude to be able to be part of that family also.

My wife took the kids on a special trip to the movies to give me a chance to study.  As she was preparing to leave I was looking into the details of my assignment and seeing that it was much more difficult than I had previously realized.  I began to think it was impossible and I became very frustrated, afraid, and resentful.  Before she left she asked me to start dinner.  This set me off.  I completely lost my temper.

After she left my frustration mounted.  I had to lay down and cool off.  I settled enough to resume my research.  As I was reviewing the  syllabus I realized that the assignment was not due until next week not tonight.  I was first grateful, then embarrassed and remorseful.  I made a quick amends to my wife by phone and text. I called my sponsor also.

We got to have a nice steak dinner and my parents came to visit.  Thanks be to God.

This Saturday my son and I had baseball tryouts.  I was kinda nervous about my role as pitcher.  I was afraid that I would not do a good job in front of everyone in the league.  I was also worried that my son was not well prepared.  I took my son to do a little batting practice beforehand and we made it to the ballpark on time.  All went well.  My son got to go fifth in line and he hit on of his swings and he caught all of his balls.  I was off and on in pitching but did ok.  I only hit one kid and another hit his fingers. I was thankful for a healthy spirit to get through all the little anxieties. I was grateful for the ability to contribute.

I didn't get a chance to do school work and I was anxious and resentful that I would be doing it on the last day before the deadline.

In the evening I took the kids to get flowers and candy for my wife for Valentine's Day.  We had a crazy but fun time.  I caught myself getting to gripey at the cash register and had to resist.  We went by the 12 step club for the valentine's dance afterward but they were having their meeting and I was too worn out to stay so we went home.

Thanks be to God.

This Friday morning I woke up to the cries of my daughter, "daddy I want you."  I had to run out of bed and get open the door to her room. My wife worked all day and the kids were off of school for a holiday.  This kept me occupied all day and I wasn't able to do any schoolwork or other errands, or go to a meeting.
 
 I found myself getting resentful that I didn't get to start my paper.

In the afternoon I took my son to his therapy and I took the other kids to the park.  We had a great time driving around singing songs and visiting the park and exploring the create in my old neighborhood.  We also went to McDonalds.

I saw the full video of the luge athlete get killed and this left me deeply disturbed.  I prayed for him and his family, God rest his soul.

I didn't get to do a review that night as the kids kept me occupied until bedtime and I fell asleep with them.

Thanks be to God.

This Thursday morning I had a better go of it although I was still a little sick.  I just realized that I got better throughout this day not worse, thanks be to God. 

I got to go sign up my kids for summer camp today.  I had to go to an office in a part of downtown that I hadn't been to in a long time.  It had changed a lot since then and I had a pleasant time seeing the sights.   When I went in the office the lady that registered me was an old acquaintance from high school.  We had a nice conversation about old friends.  Afterward it occured to me that I never felt uncomfortable in talking about my request for financial assistance.  This is something that I should not take lightly.

I also got some other financial errands done.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting.  Our topic was step 12.  As I prepared to speak my thoughts were all over the place.  There were only a few of us so they called on me.  I was at a moment where I was thinking about a lot of things and couldn't remember how I planned to start.  I had an awkward silence and then  talked about the importance of just focusing on carrying the message somehow and not worrying about whether or not I am sponrsoring, they will come.  I was disappointed on how poorly I shared pulling out old worn out stories.  But looking back I realize it wasn't that bad.

When I got home I read an aphorism Beware the man of one book.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I thought about how people's values can be based on pleasure principles or moral principles.

This Thursday morning my prayers were clear and succinct. I had some new insight that I wished I could have logged.  When I woke up however I had a chest cold and went back to sleep for a while.

I had many things to do and when I got going I was never secure in aim.

I did go in and take my first class exam and pass.

In the evening I was grateful to remember my son's religious education.

I know it was a very busy and productive day.  I get the feeling that I thought about some real important stuff.  I know that I thought a lot about the topic of last night's meeting.   I know that I thought alot about communication as an area of personal growth.   However my wife was working all afternoon into the evening and the demands of the children wore me out.  My cold recurred and I passed out early.  I woke up at 4 am and made an effective review.  I recalled the entire day and I know I am forgetting some things as I write this.

Thanks be to God.

I got to go and have a nice Valentines Day party with my daughter at her preschool today.

Last night I woke up with a very frightened and panicky feeling and sensed a frenzied presence in the bed between myself and my wife.  I was in one of those semiconscious states where you are partly awake but still dreaming.  I couldn't see it but it felt like a weird figure in a Tool or NIN video that convulsed in fast motion.  I sensed that it was very angry.  Then I could feel it partly inside of my head trying to get back in.

Looking back I believe it was an evil spirit that was being exercised from me by my guardian angel.

Tonight I got to go to a meeting. The topic was on step one.  But the presenter expressed that this is a heart program not a head program.  This got me thinking and disagreeing.  In the end I realized that I agreed with her sentiment but disagreed with the statement.  I need to record my thoughts about this.  I was divided over my thoughts but realized that I had to speak up.  I was able to put most of my thoughts together and express them in time.  I was worried that I came across as divisive.  I talked to my sponsor and he assured me that it came across as addendum.


Thanks be to God.

Today I am grateful that I got some reading done for school.  This morning I woke up very early and got off to a good start.

At midday I had a sudden episode of inappropriate sexual thinking.  I pushed it aside and it returned.  I resisted again.  I resisted a third time and realized that I was minimizing it and that It had infiltrated and grown under my radar.  I was descending into an elaborate scenario without realizing it.

I tried to pray a few times and realized that this required more action.  I called a friend and talked to him and he gave me additional insight. I called another and the same thing happened.  I looked up the sex inventory in the Big Book and discovered that I didn't need to do a piece of inventory.  I read a little more and found what appears to be a spot-check inventory and actions for these types of urges.

We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache. 

 I prayed for the right ideal, for sanity, and strength to do the right thing.

Thanks be to God.

This morning we had a good start and got to mass on time despite waking up later than I would have liked.

Today my wife and I noticed a behavioral issue with my autistic son.  Even thought this is a regression it made me grateful for the progress he has made.  I see this as a temporary condition.

In the afternoon I did some speech reading and received some very valuable insights into personal interaction and communication that have a great deal of value in the spiritual life.  I learned about the ladder of abstraction, the self-serving bias, the schema of attribution, personal constructs, and more.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting.  Afterward, I got to have a great talk with a good friend about our experiences in the spiritual life.  There was a point when I perceived a difference of faith principles.  This got me thinking and helped resolve a spiritual matter that had eluded me in the recent past.  It is a problem of attitude in talking to non-believers about Jesus Christ.  I have had an intuition that it is counter productive to use Jesus name to someone who bristles with antagonism. Instead I should speak of God in terms the person is open to hear.  I should seek and find unity of Truth with the person's faith or reason.  This might still cause them dissonance but it will be a productive small step towards Him.  I believe to preach the name of Jesus to the non-receptive person is to use the Lord's name in vain.  Both in the sense of futility and in self-serving motive.

I believe where we religious people go wrong is attaching conversion to our own ambitions.  When we need to be right so much that we demand it from others in the name of our religion we actually drive the potential convert away and we separate ourselves from God. 

Thanks be to God.

This morning when I woke up I immediately started thinking about my homework, the baseball tryouts next week, and all the things that I need to get done.  I was afraid.  I had to stop it abruptly and pray.  I had to push out these thoughts repeatedly and my prayer was interrupted but I made it through and the fears abated.

I was late getting up and during the morning I felt aimless.  But I attacked my homework and got an assignment done.

In the afternoon I got to do baseball practice with my son.  We could only do catching and throwing in the street because the yard was too muddy.  But then I got an idea to use the plastic balls to pitch and hit.  It was a success and the neighborhood boys and my son had fun.  My youngest son even joined in and had a blast.

I got to see my mom tonight.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up early and was able to experience a deep focus in prayer.  I got to take the kids to school in peace.

This afternoon the sun came out and I had a moment outside when my yard in God's world looked like paradise.

I got to make some progress on my paper today.
I got to spend some time outside with my kids in the afternoon sun.
My wife got resentful at me but made amends by getting over it.
I got to go to a meeting and hear an old friend from the downtown group that I used to go to.
I got to watch Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs with my family.
We got to pray as a family.

Thanks be to God.

This Thursday I took the kids to school in the rain.  I caught myself griping at them to hurry too much and had to stop and let them be kids.

I got started on my persuasive paper regarding animal rights.  I was resentful that I couldn't stay on it.  I read the daily reflection and really wanted to comment on it but was not able to and was resentful about this. 

Then I had a moment sometime during the day perhaps inspired by a religious television program when I was moved to really let go and accept my circumstances as God's will.  I suddenly felt like I could accept and embrace working piecemeal something I could never accept before.

In the evening my wife went to a conference.  After dinner and cleanup I was exhausted and passed out early.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up early and listened to the rain fall outside my window and thanked God for this day.

I had to buy my son a wheel for his bike.  I spent too much money on it and I have had a lot of remorse.  I can't see any other way for some bike specific reasons so I don't regret taking a different route.  I had to be thankful for the free bike that I found and accept that there was no cheaper way to do it.

I got to do some assignments today.
I got to talk to a friend in recovery.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I thought some more of my good fortune. 

Today was a routine day.

I got to go to a meeting tonight and bring the topic.  I talked about how my motivation to surrender to God's will was based on an deep acceptance of the insanity of addiction. 

Thanks be to God.

This morning I found out that the job opening I was contacted about was now closed and I missed the opportunity.  I was both disappointed and relieved.  I don't think that I could take it on but I am still afraid of the current situation.  I have to face the fact that no one else is responsible for my situation but me.  That being said I thought today about just how good my life actually is if I just look at the fact that the bills are paid and I get to got to school and I get to spend a great deal of time with my kids.

Thanks be to God.