This morning my son had a fit because he wanted to leave his folder at home. The worse that his fit got the more that my wife and itried to correct him . Looking back I think that the attention actually served to reinforce his behavior, this is a basic concept of operant behavior. I did inform him of consequences to come this evening perhaps this willoverride the bad conditioning.

In one of my morning classes my professor mentioned some things about his 12 step group. I thought that I was glad that I didn't go to that group because of the fact that so many highly educated and affluent people go there. Then it occurred to me that it didn't matter, that I have a new confidence based on a more reasonable attitude about what I think I know. I realized that I have had an unreasonable aversion to some particular clubs for that reason. That I was afraid of being discovered as a fraud. The character values of intellect and sophistication have been a big part of my identity and I have been afraid that in the presence of legitimately educated and truly affluent people, that I will be outed. I never had this problem outside of 12 step groups because I don't have to be open and honest there.

I got to have a good talks today with friends from my class both before and after class.

My older son had a baseball game tonight. I was very impressed with his abilities. He wasn't perfect and neither were the boys, but they had a great attitude and gave a great effort.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I had a difficulty that has plagued me for as long as I can remember. The problem started in a dream I had last night. In the dream I was engaged in the sort of behavior that would be disastrous for me today. It involved an acquaintance and feelings that are problematic for me to indulge. I had no present, conscious control of the events and feelings through most of the dream. As I began to wake up, memory of the dream persisted, and I had turn away from the feelings. Throughout the day I continued to have this problem with the thoughts entering my mind automatically and being difficult to resist.

As I approached the school building this morning I heard lots of sirens and saw a police officer looking up and down the street talking on her radio. I walked by her and swore that she was saying "the second shooter is wearing a white tee shirt" as she scanned all around. It turned out that there was a shooting on another campus nearby. It was distracting to see helicopters circling outside the window as my classmate talked in our breakout group in class.

In class our subject was love. The professor talked about the writings and perspectives of a Jesuit priest from a book on the subject. She described several particular aspects essential in forming healthy love. I thought about Sternberg's triangle of love in which the three aspects of love form the three sides and must be present for consummate love. I noticed that it was a bit confusing as we shifted between different types of love without distinguishing which we were talking about. I thought about the "greek" concepts of love, motherly love, brotherly love, romantic love, charitable love, manic love, pragmatic love, needy love, etc. Based on the dilemmas presented in the dialog of my classmates I was grateful to have an adequate love concept today.

I thought of how true and sustainable love is an act of the will, it is not just a feeling, it is a sacrifice, a giving of one's self. I noted the limitations of trying to find an adequate motive to give love (in it's various forms) without including the love given by a God personal to me. I thought of how I have had to resist the seductive thoughts of my dream last night in order to deter the formation of desire that would detract me from my wife. I thought of how this is the sacrifice of my pleasures for the greater good of our marriage. I know that there is a logical reason for this, but that logic was never enough to subdue the obsessions that drove me blindly, until I began to live by the dictates of a Higher Power. But those dictates were still not enough until I became acquainted with a God concept of One who walked in my shoes and made this same (actually much greater) sacrifice for me.

In the afternoon I reluctantly got myself started on math work. I was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't as hard as I projected. I found a renewed enthusiasm for the work. At my Human Dev class I identified in my kids many of the aspects of childhood development. I spoke to the professor about my upcoming report and made a change that took a huge load off my shoulders. I felt a renewed sense of enthusiasm for that work. On the way home I thought back to last night's 12 step meeting on the topic of emotional and motivational rearrangement as the result of a spiritual experience, and how that seems to be the theme of this day. I felt a renewed sense of enthusiasm for that work.

In the evening I had to rush out dinner and get the kids to their second fall tee ball game. My wife was working and she couldn't be there to help but she got me off to a good start preparing dinner. I caught myself getting stressed with the kids and had to change my attitude and actions. We got there on time but the head coach was running late. As the parents arrived with their kids I helped get them started warming up. The parents all got worried as game time approached and still no coach. They all started asking me for directions and I made a lineup for them and got the game started with the other team's coach. I was worried as the game got started because my wife wasn't there and my 2 year old daughter was with my 9 year old son on the other side of the fence. But the head coach arrived in the middle of the first inning and I was able to exit to the stands.

It was a good game. My 6 year old son (the autistic one) hit well every time at bad and caught a ball while playing second base and threw out the runner at first base. My daughter played for the first time (she got stung by a wasp before the actual first game this past Saturday and had to sit out), she hit the ball and ran the bases well. I had to talk to her after the game about tossing her cap and twirling around while playing third base. She said "dad, I'm just learning", I couldn't stay mad at her. All the other kids played well also and my youngest daughter told me after the game that she loves to go to the ball field.

We got home, got bathed, and got to bed on time.

Thanks be to God for this day.

Today I thought some more about the WAR model for the fourth step approach to resentments. The WAR is the battle between my ears, I must stop the WAR.

WAR is: What they did, my Attitude (or Anger) about it, and my Response or Reaction. In the fourth step I am taught to change the WAR into a WIN. The WIN is What they did, I take Initiative to recognize my reaction, and I take a New attitude instead of reacting. I still may need to respond but now I can do so appropriately.

I also thought about some new nuances and praying for... now I forgot. I do recall that I identified what it is about the 12 step approach to prayer is that is different than most religious prayer. 12 step prayer is almost entirely formative prayer, whereas religious prayer is much more worshipful and intercessory.

This morning we had the middle children's first tee ball game. All started out well until my daughter got stung by a wasp. It was a huge scene that started with a blood curdling scream and halted the game. It was apparent that she was not going to get over it and I had to leave with her. Unfortunately my wife was working so wasn't there to help. Fortunately my mom was nearby at my other son's practice and she was able to settle her down and keep her while I went back and finished the game with her brother. She ended up being ok in the end.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This Friday my wife brought an an issue to me in which a family member has lashed out at her at us and at my parents. In dealing with this i had to catch myself several times reacting impulsively.

This morning after class I had a great discussion with a friend about they church catholic.

This afternoon I was inspired by the ABC model of behavior. I thought about a WAR model, what happened, my Attitude about it, my Response.

This morning I some thoughts came to mind about last Friday which I never got to review. First, in the morning, after getting the kids up and taking them to school, I was able to get my truck to the tire shop to replace the bald tread-bare front tires. It was a pleasant surprise to be able to get in and out of there quickly.

I spent the majority of the morning in a sponsee appointment. We talked about alot of things but afterward I realized that I need to get us a little more focused on the spiritual practices. I was very grateful for the opportunity to do this however.

I thought a lot today about several things, starting with the topic of my Psychology of Personal Adjustment class. The objective of the class seems to be the long term effect of experiences in childhood on personal ideals, reactivity, and behavior. The butterfly effect is becoming a working part of my perspective. But I also wondered about the potential to over exaggerate these effects and allow them to become a justification to resist change.

I imagine that it goes without saying that I have been exceptionally busy the past few days. Every day I say that I am going to get back on track with my written evening review but I end up passing out at the end of a long day without doing so. It's getting to the point that at least one day I forgot altogether about this discipline. I will say however that every night I pray with the children and verbally review together with them.

This weekend my family and I celebrated my birthday. My parents came over and we had a nice little dinner. I was especially surprised to hear my sister's voice when she called me. We had an awkward conversation. The result of a lack of relationship for so many years I suppose.

Saturday morning I took the little ones to tee ball practice. All went well until my daughter decide to have a fit and throw her glove down and walk away and sit in the middle of the field. At first I confidently handled it with the threat of time out minutes. All it was was that she wanted water too soon and I didn't want to make a special exception for her. Looking back I see that I need to explain the concept of following the team, practice, and game agenda with no special treatment for anyone. But she refused to cooperate and eventually I got very embarassed and had to awkwardly carry her off the field and sit her in time out. I had to persevere with practice in spite of this. She eventually came around and I didn't overdo the punishment.

Sunday morning we had a similar experience at mass. The kids seem to have taken a step backward in their behavior. I barely perceived what the gospel reading and homily were about.

Last night I was up very late doing a homework assignment. Also, I got good news in that my wife got me enrolled in an online math class. All weekend we were worried about how I was going to get the kids to their ball games in the evening with the lecture class that I was scheduled to start today. At the eleventh hour my wife got the idea to look at the availability again and found this slot for me. Thanks be to God and God bless her.

Saturday night we made nice. I have mixed feelings about this as we haven't really communicated about our differences, but I am grateful nevertheless.

Yesterday I got an unexpected message on facebook from an unlikely friend that he is discerning a relationship with God and would like to talk. Today I thought about what advice that I might give him. Looking back I think that I might be forgetting the best plan which would be to listen.

We had an interesting subject in my social services class today. It was the treatment of the elderly and the prospect of growing old. We watched a movie about this and then broke out into groups to discuss the subject. Everyone started talking free form and I got us on track going in a circle answering a series of questions about this. Most people didn't have any thoughts about this and stated that it was just too difficult to deal with. I was exceedingly grateful that God has enabled me to face this life issue and come to terms with it. I was able to share some perspectives and see that I have some work to do. I need to look at it more and discern the way that all of us in my family should approach our own plan for aging and how we treat each other.

This evening I got to pick up my 7 year keytag at a 12 step meeting. It was a truly humbling experience and I was very grateful. After the meeting I got the unfortunate confirmation that my sponsor had relapsed. I am now faced with the difficult discernment of picking a new sponsor. There are only two choices that I know of offhand and it was one of them that informed me and talked to me for a long time tonight. I asked him to be my point of accountability for now.

Thanks be to God.

P.S. Holy cow! I just listened to the homily from this week's mass. It was the parable of the crafty steward who was dishonest. Jesus said to his disciples:
"The person who is trustworthy in very small matters
is also trustworthy in great ones;
and the person who is dishonest in very small matters
is also dishonest in great ones."
This is exactly what I was thinking about tonight in discussing how dishonesty leads to spiritual depravity.

Then Fr. Barron talked about something that has been coming up for me a lot lately. The time and effort and priority with which we act to maintain our physical lives, our home, car, body, finances, but we do not act so resolutely when it comes to spiritual matters.

Last night I had a nightmare, there were frenetic voices angrily trying to convince me of my fate and failure. It reminded me of a horror movie in which the voices can be faintly heard in an radio amidst the static and they grow louder and draw you in. It also reminded me of the video simulation I saw of what it's like to be schizophrenic. In the nightmare I used the FLP method (Faith-Love Principle) that Fr. Charlie taught and I took deep breaths to Je-sus' name and retreated like a child into the safety of the Father's embrace. I woke suddenly out of the dream and was not afraid to go back to sleep.

When I woke up this morning there was a song in my head, it was the Phil Pillips song "Sea of love". I never cared much for this song so it felt as if the song were being placed there. As I prayed and kept falling back to sleep and getting confused, the song just kept repeating, "Come with me, my love, to the sea, the sea of love. I want to tell you how much I love you." I thought of the embrace of God and quit trying to pray in words and just drifted into contemplation.

As the morning progressed my thoughts seemed to sequentially rotate through my shortcomings of judgement, anger, lust, and anxiety, over my wife's actions, the women I see, and my fears about school. But, instead of using the technique that I usually employ to replace my thinking, the song would just come back to mind and I would let it go, "Come with me, my love..."

When I sat down with my children for morning prayers my son started telling me that he had a bad dream. He said that he had learned to realize that he was in a dream and to wake himself up. I used this as an example for them all as to why we pray for protection in our sleep and help with our thinking, behavior, and outlook on life.

I had to take the math assessment test again this morning. I knew that I was not prepared. I felt that I needed to turn away from my injunctions. The kids got fed and off to school early so I was able to watch some instructional videos in preparation. Surprisingly, I enjoyed thinking about math and actually felt better prepared. However, when I took the test I did not pass again. As I walked back to my truck I felt anxious over the prospect of having to manage all the classes and I felt like a failure. At the stoplight, I felt the cascade of self pity starting and I sought divine help to stop it. The song returned and my thoughts drifted to the seaside and then to a blissful light looking up through the corals in the ocean.

This evening I got to go to a 12 step meeting. A friend who is carless called me and we rode together. We talked about the process of admitting personal powerlessness and seeking divine help to replace our self-defeating thoughts. We also talked about the good things that have come as the fruits of the spiritual life.

Back at home the kids were watching the movie "Finding Nemo" again, I joined them. As we watched the ocean scenes, the sea-life, and fauna, I watched my wife and kids laugh at the funny parts, hide during the scary parts, and cry in the emotional parts. My thoughts drifted into the song again, "Come with me, my-y love, to the sea, the sea of love. I want to tell you just how much I love you."

Tomorrow is my biological birthday and my 7-year sobriety anniversary,
Thanks be to God.

Today a concept came up in class that may be very basic but the fullness of which has eluded me. It is the idea of the motivational force. It is the source of initiative to impel one to achieve, acquire, or meet a need. It is also the source of over-achievement and maladjustment. It is the source of people going wrong for a good cause.

This Saturday morning I had some important thoughts during morning meditation but I got so busy right away that I was not able to record them and I eventually forgot. It was a very busy day…

Right now my daughter just woke up hungry and my wife is asleep. I have to forgo this journal once again to feed her. It's frustrating; I am very concerned about not having time to review mental state. It is getting to be less and less consistent, and I am a strong believer in this practice as critical to my sobriety.

(resumed later)
In the morning we had our first baseball practice with my oldest son at 9:00 am. I got up at the usual time and fed the kids. I was irritated that my wife stayed in bed until I had to get her up. As a result, my son and I ran later than I would have liked, but it turned out okay as the head coach was late himself. I reminded myself that I make myself irritable, my wife does not. My feelings are not a result of her actions, but rather of my own making.

We got started and right away I noticed a boy who was completely new and unskilled, to the extent that it was dangerous. He didn't know how to catch and really just did not have adequate reaction abilities to catch a ball thrown from a 9 year old kid. I had to stand and monitor him and train him basic skills. At one point the coach's son had a runny nose and was throwing with my son so I grabbed a towel and handed it to him. While I was doing that, a kid threw a ball to the boy who could not catch, and it hit him right in the ribs. He was hurt, but not seriously. I felt guilty for having turned away.

I was very proud of my son's skills and his conduct. I gave a lot of positive verbal reinforcement to the other boys; I didn't say anything to my son because I don't want it to go to his head. The other coaches gave him great feedback.

After practice I had to go to our Parish fair and man the football toss booth. My son and I had a great time doing this service and I was grateful to get to spend time with my fellow parishioners. By the time I got home I felt like I had heatstroke with a headache and nausea. I tried not to let this idea proliferate in my thoughts and I tried my best to rest and cool off before the next practice.

I took the Irish twins to their practice at 2:00 PM. I was worried as to my young ones lack of skills when some other kids seemed to be better. But as the practice transpired I was very proud of them for their effort and attitude, especially my daughter at her first practice. She was cute and persevered in the intense heat. They caught, threw, hit, and ran very well for 5 year olds.

By the time we came home I was exhausted. I worried about not studying for my pending math assessment. At this point I think there is no way I will be able to pass it. I wish that I would have just taken the 16 week class. I really had to work to change my attitude to stay in today and not worry about tomorrow. Just think it through for planning if necessary, but resist worry.

My wife volunteered to work a booth in the evening. Surprisingly after she left I felt better and became motivated to take the children to the fair. We had a great time playing the games and listening to music and eating treats, even though I constantly had to monitor and corral three children. I felt like an octopus. Meanwhile my oldest was off running around with his friends.

We were coming to the close of a great family day when something terrible happened. My oldest son was very wound up and he was impatiently trying to play the putting game. I had to stop him and direct him to be patient. I was standing right behind him when he decided to take a full swing at the ball as if he were driving it. He made contact, and it flew up, and ricocheted off a tree onto a picnic table. It nailed a teenage girl right between the eyes on the bridge of the nose.

I was horrified and immediately admonished my son with a barrage of words. I loomed over him and got right into his face. I grabbed him by the shirt and marched him over to the table to see what he had done and to apologize to the girl. It was a very scary situation, and for all I knew she had a broken nose. I was infuriated, and sat him down on the ground for a bit, and then took him home. As we rode home in the truck I resisted berating him further and chose to let myself cool off and think it through.

When I got home I realized that the whole way home I had been thinking about how my dad would have handled it. I went through a flashback of thoughts of the times I had done something similar as a child and had been punished severely. Many times the punishment worked and I would later associated my unruly behavior with the events and modify my conduct. But something about it didn't sit right with me and I felt it was equally consequential in destroying my relationship with my dad.

My anger didn't subside much but I resisted haranguing my son and resisted thoughts of corporal punishment. I felt that he did not grasp the gravity of his actions. I felt confused as to where to draw the line and what punishment to administer. I decided it would be best to sleep on it. Eventually I just felt sad for both the young girl and my son.

In the morning during meditation, the thought came to mind of the scripture passage that directs parents not to provoke their children, "Children, obey your parents in everything, for this is pleasing to the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, so they may not become discouraged." (Col. 3:20-21) I also thought about the emphasis in my psychology training on the lasting effects of the traumatic events in childhood, of how they can impact future behaviors.

I recalled one such event when I was playing with ketchup packets at a restaurant. I was about my son's age. One of the ketchup packets splattered all over my grandparents and a stranger in the next booth. My father berated me furiously and sent me out to the car with no meal. I both feared and hated him, yet the punishment was effective and I practiced much more self-control after that.

I thought about how the punishment was effective because I associated a negative consequence with the poor conduct, and changed my behavior. I thought that this is probably operant conditioning. I also remembered that I grasped the gravity of what I had done, and knew that I deserved punishment, and didn't dispute that. So why then, I wondered, did this affect my relationship with my father?

In thinking deeper about it I realized that my father really hammered me about being stupid and unworthy. He often said that I got this from my mother and I took this to mean that he thought it was my nature. He used a lot of words and stayed angry with me for a long time. This was probably his instinctive way of trying to condition me to change. But it wasn't the punishment that hurt me; it was his words and feelings. I thought he hated me and wished he had a different son. I felt unloved and became resentful toward him.

Therein I found my answer. I just needed to enact cause and affect consequence without the thoughtless, excessive emotional coercion. I needed to do this without destroying his self-esteem.

I had an objective talk with my son without anger and belittlement. We recalled the events of the night before. We decided that the young girl had both short term and long term affects from his actions. She had pain last night, and would have bruising for a week (thankfully it wasn't broken). So my son's punishment would reflect this, 50 sentences today, and loss of all electronic media for a week. I was clear with him that this was actually probably much less painful than what the girl went through, but I resisted belittling him any further and I let him know that even though he made this mistake, I am proud to be his father.

I resolved to continue to guide his formation with discipline, but with a greater amount of love.

Thanks be to God.

This evening I got to go to a meeting. Just before it started I felt very spiritually flat. The room seemed uninviting and the idea seemed stale. I stared into a corner of the room and got that optical illusion of inversion. I acknowledged my discontent and reminded myself that it was just a matter of perspective that could be changed. I considered that my spiritual condition may be obscured due to the mental focus that I must exert on academics.

The topic was the distinction of the real alcoholic and the difficulty in choosing the spiritual solution. No one opened up and I had some thoughts so I jumped in there. I started well and made most of the points but I lost my train of thought and I had the feeling that I was on to more. I thought about the importance of understanding the distinction between the powerless and the problem substance abuser. I thought about how this is where the misunderstanding of those who disparage the spiritual solution arises because they often cite that some people recover without it. While they are right that some do, what they fail to understand is that there is a distinct class that does not. There is a failure to distinguish between the truly addicted from the chemically dependent.

I was once asked when I knew that I was powerless. I started to answer that it was when I learned about the disease concept. But instead I answered that it was probably the second or third time that I drank. The reason was because I intuitively realized that my reaction was very very different than others.

This also got me thinking that the spiritual solution is the only way for some people because we know that drinking was a spiritual experience for us. That being said, the spiritual solution is effective for anyone who wants it.

A guy that I recently started sponsoring mentioned that his old sponsor used to ask him what his mental state was. This resonated with me as I have recently started asking people that same question.

I had a whole lot going on and still do after that meeting. The floodgates have opened.

Thanks be to God.

This morning my commute in to school after dropping the kids off was very interesting. There was flood damage everywhere and the river through town was very swollen. In the cafeteria, there was a lot of buzz about the high water last night.

As I sat down with my coffee to read a chapter before class I saw a friend sitting with someone who looked familiar. I had seen them on the way in but chose not to sit with them uninvited. On my way out however I realized that the other guy looked very familiar, so much so that I had to stop and talk to him. He was very friendly and asked me about my academic path. We ended our conversation without figuring out where we knew each other from. I am grateful that these things are not that awkward for me anymore.

My professor gave a very interesting lecture today. He talked about the academic choices that we must discern. He laid it out very well and it was exceedingly helpful to me. I came out of it with a renewed sense of enthusiasm and a feeling of having made some right choices. I also had a sense of optimism that I can make it through college.

I had to return to class to get my umbrella that I left. I remembered where I knew the guy from the cafeteria. We knew each other from the meeting that I used to attend downtown when I worked there. For some unknown reason it occurred to me that that my tenure at that job was destined to be a term not lasting. I felt less regret about having been let go.

This morning I recall thinking about several significant ideas that I wished to write about that I can't recall now. It seems that I was thinking about the benefits of knowing the stages of development and the development of character. I was also thinking about a way to communicate the opposite of virtues without calling them vices or sins. Perhaps it was related to something my professor was saying about the protestant work ethic and the related treatment of the poor. I was thinking that the problem was the lack of reason and objectivity and a purely emotion based attitude of shame and contempt.

Back at home I turned on the TV to check the weather and became captivated by a movie about Karol Wojtyla. I made plans to watch it with my family on Saturday night. There was one particular scene that was very moving. A young Karol saw a Nazi exiting the confessional as he entered the church to visit his mentor. He chastised the priest about this in the midst of the reign of terror that was being inflicted upon them. They showed the Nazi praying his penance in the pew. This was after repeatedly portraying the cruelty, depravity, and brutality of them in previous scenes. It reminded me very much of the movie Schindler's List. Later in the movie the Nazi officer is shown tendering his resignation as a matter of conscience. He is put before a firing squad and the priest is called upon to take his last confession. The priest was also executed. I had the sense that this was a life changing event for me, although I also felt that I should have been studying math.

In the evening my wife asked me to run some errands. I stopped in to the thrift store but sat in the truck talking to a sponsee who just moved here from another city and is distressed over his unemployment. He is now stressed over a job prospect. I was grateful about this for him and talked him through his anxiety. He helped me very much. I saw that I have a great life and the opportunities to serve are emdless.

Thanks be to God for this day.

This Monday morning I had my truck towed to the shop to be repaired. After that I took the girls on a walk to the park. Their was a young boy their with his father and it was very cute to watch them pretend they were on the bus on the playscape and do a puppet show. My youngest daughter pretended to be a marionette.

Around noon I got a call that my truck was fixed. I was blown away that it was just a minor problem and I was very grateful that my friend the mechanic got it done so quickly. I was so blessed to have avoided a much more significant problem.

My wife and I took the girls to lunch at a fast food place that turned out to be very good. Again I was very grateful for our blessings.

I got to talk to my friend who is going through problems in recovery. He asked me to do a favor for him. I looked in his eyes and saw the ravages of physical and psychological trauma. I was again very grateful.

Later in the day I became worried that I am not getting enough done study wise. But looking back at the day I realize just how fortunate I am.

Thanks be to God.

This morning my truck was towed to the shop, it is broken down. I thought about how we know about and attend to vehicle maintenanca and house keeping and even our physical health but we don,t know a thing about our psychic or spiritual makeup or health.

Generosity, self-denial, and forgiveness, these are the virtues against self-centeredness.

This morning we woke up on schedule and had the easiest time preparing for mass that I can remember for a long time.  It was a good thing too because my wife ad to do the children's liturgy and it was a difficult gospel in which Jesus says that if you wish to follow Him you must hate your mother and father and your own life and renounce all your possessions.

I was very inspired by the first reading in which the message is about the impossibility for man to understand or completely grasp the scope of God's will.

I got to spend some time with my parents today.  I got to talk to a good friend today.  I got to talk to a sponsee today.

Thanks be to God.

This Saturday morning we went to a Bicycle Rodeo at my son's elementary school in our neighborhood.  I wanted to get up early and make it their on time so as not to miss anything and to ensure that my kids got to participate.  I envisioned us all riding their with the little ones in the bike trailer.

When I woke up I had to go to the store because we didn't have enough of the breakfast foods that I had bought the day before.  I blamed my wife for letting my son eat them.  But I also let him eat some first.

When I got back we had to rush to get to the event.  As we all got dressed and ready and unready, it began to get chaotic and tense.  Outside I had to get bikes ready and I couldn't find the air pump and the kids were on their bikes riding out of sight and my wife was inside.  When she came outside we bickered, and tripped over each others intentions, culminating with me accidentally pinching my daughter's neck with the chin strap of her helmet making her cry.  I blamed my wife for sleeping late and making us rushed.

Undaunted, we made it to the bike rodeo and all had a great time.  The kids really enjoyed going through the course and getting stickers and eating doughnuts.   It was cute to see my youngest daughter determinedly following her brother on the course.  I was proud of seeing my autistic son proficiently navigating the course at 5 years old.  I was disappointed at my wife for running off to the car and blamed her that I could not follow him and take pictures.  I was most proud when he loaned his bike to another kid his size to go through the course.

After lunch we were all tired and rested.  I was very worried that I wasn't getting homework done.  Then there was a UT football game and I felt neglectful for sitting and watching it with the boys.  Partway through I got up and cleaned up and attended to my truck and practiced baseball with the younger kids.  At one point my youngest daughter was harassing me to push her on the swing and I asked my wife to deal with her implying that she was not helping me.

Later I talked to a sponsee that I picked up yesterday.  As I spoke to him about relationship issues felt that he needed guidance to escape a self-centered, fault-finding perspective.  During this I realized that this is me.  I am self-centered and fault-finding with my wife.  Regardless of whether or not she behaves well, I must set aside my expectations and demands.   I must love and appreciate and value God so much that I am willing to love, appreciate, and value her unconditionally and realize how lucky I am to have a good woman who lives by the same values as me.

In the evening I got to go to a meeting.  We talked about step 3, understanding what faith means, and grasping it's implication for our lives.

Thanks be to God.

This  morning I started the day worried about a math assessment that I failed to adequately prepare for.  My wife was helpful in making allowances for me to get their in the best frame of mind possible and in trying to visualize a positive outcome.  I didn't believe that just wishing it would make it so but her words did help me to have a positive attitude.  In the end, I did not pass the test.  I did however, feel that I can pass the test if I were better prepared and I know what areas to target.   I don't see how I will find the time, but I will need to try.  I had to rely on God to overcome my feelings of disappointment and doubt.

I got spend some time attending to the problems with my truck.   It was kinda cool to get under the hood and troubleshoot it and work through the problems with a more functional mind than I recall from ever before.  I felt a great sense of confidence from this even though I sensed that the problems might not be permanently fixed.

Tonight I got to tell my addiction recovery story at the CA group that was my first home group.  I did good at turning away from anxiety during the day and then again on the way there and outside the meeting hall.  I thought a lot about humility this week and caught myself needing it.  Strangely it was this thought that relieved my anxieties a few times.  I had to pray that God remove my fears and I had to quit running through it in my mind and just relax and be in the moment.  As the time approached my heart raced and I forgot how to transition through the first segment but it came to me during the 2 minute meditation.

I was a little disappointed that I forgot a couple of things and I seemed to go a little long but all in all I stayed on track and covered the three main bases, what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now.  I got chills at one point talking about crossing onto "Brazos", the loving arms of God.

I love the feeling afterward when you get away from the crowd and you drive home and your imagination is fired and you think of things to say that will make it better next time.  Several people gave thanks and so do I.

Thanks be to God.

This morning when I woke up I found myself thinking ahead to the day ahead and to tomorrow and all over the place.  I had to stop and make a concerted effort to come back to the present.  The rest of the day I was able to stay in the place where I was at.

When I got to my first class I presented the work I had done to the small group of my class mates assigned to review one of the stages of human development.  I found myself having to make an effort to resist a prideful attitude.  I was grateful for the awareness of this because  when my class mates started talking and the professor began giving her analysis I realized that I lacked understanding and missed some key concepts.  I then had to resist letting it bother me.

I arrived early for my next class and ran into some classmates in the lounge.  We had an interesting conversation with one asking questions about counseling.  During the conversation the other guy broke out into his story.  He was talking loudly and I saw people all around looking and listening.  I felt bad for the guy and saw how important it is to go to meetings and get to share this appropriately.

This evening I briefly spoke to my friend who is going through a crisis.  He called me at a very busy time and asked me to unlock the 12 step club.  I wish that I would have been able to speak to him more but it was good to hear his voice.

Thanks be to God.

This morning I woke up and got started in a decent state.  I helped get the kids off to school and I went to class.

At class we had a lively discussion about who is the worthy poor and the unworthy poor. I was grateful for the opportunity to discuss this because

The discussion digressed into a debate over what is enabling of addicts and alcoholics and about whether the professor is doing so with his son.  He used his experience with sending him to La Hacienda multiple times and how this is sending him off to a resort.  I thought that I was listening to my wife describe it.

After class I sat at the smoking table where a discussion ensued about each person's ideas and experiences with what approach to addiction treatment is best.  I had to exercise patience and let people talk and not try to resolve every perspective.

When I made it home a TV program caught my attention.  It was a made for TV movie about Saint Marie-Bernarde Soubirous.  The principle character was a doctor named Henri Guillomet who met Bernadette and who's wife was miraculously healed of her consumption.  What caught my attention was a discussion between the Doctor and his students about miracles and science.  In the movie the doctor was a student of Jean-Martin Charcot who sought to convince the doctor that the miracle was a form of hypnosis.  This was only significant to me because my professor spoke about Charcot recently in class.