This morning I had a difficulty that has plagued me for as long as I can remember. The problem started in a dream I had last night. In the dream I was engaged in the sort of behavior that would be disastrous for me today. It involved an acquaintance and feelings that are problematic for me to indulge. I had no present, conscious control of the events and feelings through most of the dream. As I began to wake up, memory of the dream persisted, and I had turn away from the feelings. Throughout the day I continued to have this problem with the thoughts entering my mind automatically and being difficult to resist.

As I approached the school building this morning I heard lots of sirens and saw a police officer looking up and down the street talking on her radio. I walked by her and swore that she was saying "the second shooter is wearing a white tee shirt" as she scanned all around. It turned out that there was a shooting on another campus nearby. It was distracting to see helicopters circling outside the window as my classmate talked in our breakout group in class.

In class our subject was love. The professor talked about the writings and perspectives of a Jesuit priest from a book on the subject. She described several particular aspects essential in forming healthy love. I thought about Sternberg's triangle of love in which the three aspects of love form the three sides and must be present for consummate love. I noticed that it was a bit confusing as we shifted between different types of love without distinguishing which we were talking about. I thought about the "greek" concepts of love, motherly love, brotherly love, romantic love, charitable love, manic love, pragmatic love, needy love, etc. Based on the dilemmas presented in the dialog of my classmates I was grateful to have an adequate love concept today.

I thought of how true and sustainable love is an act of the will, it is not just a feeling, it is a sacrifice, a giving of one's self. I noted the limitations of trying to find an adequate motive to give love (in it's various forms) without including the love given by a God personal to me. I thought of how I have had to resist the seductive thoughts of my dream last night in order to deter the formation of desire that would detract me from my wife. I thought of how this is the sacrifice of my pleasures for the greater good of our marriage. I know that there is a logical reason for this, but that logic was never enough to subdue the obsessions that drove me blindly, until I began to live by the dictates of a Higher Power. But those dictates were still not enough until I became acquainted with a God concept of One who walked in my shoes and made this same (actually much greater) sacrifice for me.

In the afternoon I reluctantly got myself started on math work. I was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't as hard as I projected. I found a renewed enthusiasm for the work. At my Human Dev class I identified in my kids many of the aspects of childhood development. I spoke to the professor about my upcoming report and made a change that took a huge load off my shoulders. I felt a renewed sense of enthusiasm for that work. On the way home I thought back to last night's 12 step meeting on the topic of emotional and motivational rearrangement as the result of a spiritual experience, and how that seems to be the theme of this day. I felt a renewed sense of enthusiasm for that work.

In the evening I had to rush out dinner and get the kids to their second fall tee ball game. My wife was working and she couldn't be there to help but she got me off to a good start preparing dinner. I caught myself getting stressed with the kids and had to change my attitude and actions. We got there on time but the head coach was running late. As the parents arrived with their kids I helped get them started warming up. The parents all got worried as game time approached and still no coach. They all started asking me for directions and I made a lineup for them and got the game started with the other team's coach. I was worried as the game got started because my wife wasn't there and my 2 year old daughter was with my 9 year old son on the other side of the fence. But the head coach arrived in the middle of the first inning and I was able to exit to the stands.

It was a good game. My 6 year old son (the autistic one) hit well every time at bad and caught a ball while playing second base and threw out the runner at first base. My daughter played for the first time (she got stung by a wasp before the actual first game this past Saturday and had to sit out), she hit the ball and ran the bases well. I had to talk to her after the game about tossing her cap and twirling around while playing third base. She said "dad, I'm just learning", I couldn't stay mad at her. All the other kids played well also and my youngest daughter told me after the game that she loves to go to the ball field.

We got home, got bathed, and got to bed on time.

Thanks be to God for this day.